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Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 10:05:55 -0700
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Subject: Life D.I
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Status: R
---------------------------------------
Date: 6 May 94 16:29:23 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life D.I
All of the following are selections from Keith Bostic's mailing list
bostic@vangogh.cs.berkeley.edu
----------------------------------------------------
]From leedom@gauss.asd.sgi.com Mon Feb 7 19:20:43 1994
From: Mitch Ratcliffe [godsdog@netcom.com]
Subj: The NSA and CallerID
I just got a call from the National Security Agency. After hanging up,
I noticed that my Caller ID reader showed the message "Data Error",
rather than the standard "Out of Area" displayed when someone calls from
out of state (I'm in Washington, and I subscribe to US West's CallerID
service). The NSA called back a few minutes later, and, once again, the
unit displayed the message "Data Error".
Coincidence, I ask you?
--------------------------
Forwarded-by: JR Oldroyd [jr@opal.com]
Helsinki, Feb 15 (Reuter) - Well-insulated Finns, clad
bear-like against their icy winters, fear new European rules on
the dimensions of buses mean they will not be able to squeeze
into them.
Finland hopes to join the European Union (EU) next year but
its buses are longer and heavier than a new eu directive would
ultimately allow.
"The rules will mean there should be only buses 2.50 metres
wide after the year 2001. Our buses are 2.60 metres wide and it
is impossibly expensive to change them by then," an official of
a bus owners' organisation said on Tuesday.
--------------------------
From: jamesm@dialogic.com (Mark James)
This is going around the company:
Q. What machine does Windows NT run best on?
A. A 35mm slide projector.
--------------------------
From: ramon@MITL.Research.Panasonic.COM (Ramon Caceres)
Below is a selection of recent newspaper and magazine
headlines, courtesy of the CPSR/Berkeley Newsletter:
Lost on the information highway
(Washington Post, Dec. 16, 1993)
Roadkill on the information highway
(Washington Post, Dec. 6, 1993)
Traffic jams already on the information highway
(New York Times, Nov. 3, 1993)
US West-Time Warner deal could put a pothole in the
information highway (Washington Post, May 21, 1993)
Looking for a road map to the data highway
(Washington Post, April 5, 1993)
Building the on ramp to the electronic highway
(Time, May 31, 1993)
Hitting the brakes on the data highway
(Business Week, Sept. 27, 1993)
I'm afraid we're going to see a lot more of these.
For instance, I think the following are inevitable:
Toll booths coming to the information highway.
Car pool lanes proposed for the information highway.
Rubbernecking delays plague the information highway.
--------------------------
Newswire Item 3/2/94:
A hunter in Uganda is being sought by local authorities for illegally
hunting gorillas. He shoots them with a tranquilizer gun and dresses
them in clown suits. So far six (6) gorillas have been found wandering
around in this condition.
A Ugandan spokesman stated that this was a person with a truly sick
sense of humor. They felt this was a cruel practice, since they had
to tranquilize the gorillas again to take the suits off!
--------------------------
From: Donn Seeley [donn@BSDI.COM]
Here's a joke from the desert wastes which has surely been around for
a hundred years (Utah's centennial is coming up in '96 :-).
Q: Do Mormons recognize the separation of Church and State?
A: Yes; it's about two blocks.
If you disremember your geography of Salt Lake City, the tallest
edifice in town is the LDS Church World Headquarters, conveniently
located just down State Street from the State Capitol building...
--------------------------
John Laroquette, talking to an omniscient angel:
What's the weirdest thing that causes cancer?
Omniscient angel: Looking at goldfish.
--------------------------
Forwarded-by: Chris Torek [torek@BSDI.COM]
(from an article in the San Francisco Chronicle on errors in Yellow Pages)
... Pacific Bell settled out of court in 1991 with Banner Travel
after changing its ad to say that the Sonora company specialized
in ``erotic'' instead of ``exotic'' travel.
At least they probably got interesting calls,
--------------------------
Forwarded-by: sef@kithrup.com
]From today's Mercury News, in a column by Donald Kaul:
A year-and-a-half ago, at a dinner in honor of Margaret
Thatcher, in the course of his prepared speech [Ronald] Reagan
gave Thatcher a lengthy, warm introduction which stopped the
show. The audience gave her a standing ovation and she got up
and bowed graciously. When she sat down again, Reagan proceeded
to read from the top of the same page and gave her the same
introduction, word-for-word, without embarrassment. The
audience was forced to stand again and clap listlessly and she
had to take another bow, praying that the Gipper would turn the
page this time. He did.
--------------------------
Forwarded-by: "James W. Williams" [williams@bolero.gsfc.nasa.gov]
Forwarded-by: Fred Blonder [fred@nasirc.hq.nasa.gov]
Forwarded-by: Dave.Leibold@f730.n250.z1.fidonet.org (Dave Leibold)
Subject: New BT Advertising is No Yolk
{Reuter} reports that British Telecommunications PLC will advertise on
eggs. The idea of "eggvertising" is that non-toxic ink is applied to
the egg shells. In this case, BT wants to plug reduced daytime call
charges. The report didn't state how much BT will shell out for this
campaign. One has to wait to see if this marketing is what it's
cracked up to be, being in a scramble to poach on its competition.
(ref: {The Toronto Star} 25 March 1994)
--------------------------
Forwarded-by: tale@uunet.uu.net (David C Lawrence)
Subject: Re: Strange DNS names...
From: jcc@uunet.uu.net (Jonathan Cohn)
This request was sent to the InterNic yesterday...
1. Top-level domain: org
2. Complete Domain Name: clueless.org
3a. Organization name: Bradford Technical Seminars
3b. Organization address: 17703-E Baltimore Avenue, Suite 238
Laurel, MD 20707
...
Bradford Technical Seminars is a non-profit organization providing
introductory seminars on a cost-recovery basis with topics ranging
from computer basics to internetworking.
--------------------------
Theologians have been meeting for 15 years to revise the Revised
Standard Version the Bible. The New Revised Standard Version (or
NRSV) will be published in 1990.
Among the changes are two that were made to avoid possible
misunderstanding:
Psalm 50:9 is being changed from "I will accept no bull from your
house" to "I will not accept a bull from your house."
2 Corinthians 11:25 is being changed from "Once I was stoned" to
"Once I received a stoning."
Strange but true.
--------------------------
From: andrew@pixar.com (Andrew Stanton)
Iwai's latest hit is a Japanese television show called Ugo Ugo Lhuga
(Go-Go Girl pronounced backwards - sort of). Ostensibly a children's
program, many of its fans are from the nightclub and art scenes who tune
in every day for a dose of psychedelic cartoon fun. In the show, which
incorporates surrealistic Amiga image files manipulated in real-time,
two children travel through virtual worlds with virtual characters
(whose lips are synched to live narrators via MIDI signals). The
soundtrack is also live, with some of Tokyo's hippest "rave" DJs doing
their thing.
Besides its atypical imagery - ....
.... - there are also interactive spots. Take "Voice Sumo"
for example. Kids from all over Japan draw monsters on postcards and
send them in. The drawings are scanned into the computer and put into
a cartoon sumo ring, poised for battle. Kids phone up the show, choose
a side, and scream as loud as they can into the phone. Whoever raises
the highest voltage over the phone pushes the opponent's creature out
of the sumo ring. Now that's interactivity.
--------------------------
Forwarded-by: bert@theory.pppl.gov (John Cuthbertson)
[...] Coubertin International Fair Play Trophy, which is awarded
for conspicuous acts of Sportsmanship. The trophy is awarded by
the "Comite International pour le Fair Play", so named, according
to the committee's general secretary, because...
"there is no expression for this concept in French."
--------------------------
From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Subj: Why people should use their d*mn shift keys
The following was the subject of a posting in "misc.health.diabetes":
on the chief ends of knowledge, after bacon
I was wondering why the acquisition of bacon was one of the chief ends
of knowledge, until I read the posting and found that she was referring
to *Francis* Bacon.
--------------------------
From: Eric Hollander [hh@xcf.Berkeley.EDU]
I was at my motorcycle dealer to pick up some parts and I was looking
through "Kawakasaki 1994 Good Times", kawasaki's adzine/magalogue. It
was great; lots of blue-collar directed advertising. On page 7 was a
photo of some guy in racing leathers all leaned over on the latest
Ninja ZX-9R. And this is what it said next to the photo: "You can tilt
the horizon at will on a ZX-9R. At 12,000 RPM this engine runs like a
486 computer at 66 megahertz."
Now I'm glad that I ride a Suzuki.
--------------------------
You know, sometimes a magazine can change your life,
like MAD Magazine, or Rolling Stone before the cigarette ads,
or the Co-Evolution Quarterly, or Scientific American,
or for God's sake, even the New Yorker, but so far, MONDO 2000
and WIRED just make me want to keep mine the way it is...
- ericl@miles.esd.sgi.com (Eric Linstadt)
--------------------------
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
]From a recent *Road & Track* magazine:
Gentlemen, start your Black & Deckers!
Here's a great way to polish up your racing skills: belt sander racing.
After locking up the on/off switch, competitors simultaneously apply
power to their (stock or modified) belt sanders, sending them skittering
(at a scale 600 mph) toward the "finish line," reports Dan Nell,
automotive editor for the Raleigh, North Carolina *News & Observer*.
--------------------------
From: little@ragnarok.hks.com (Jim Littlefield)
This is original. After this experience, I wrote it up for a local
newsgroup. I was asked for some clarification, and I posted the
followup at the bottom.
Last Sunday, I was waaaaaaiting for my son (7 years old) to get
ready for church. Since I had him trapped, I decided it was time
to discuss some of the 'Facts of Life' with him:
Son, you have gotten old enough that you can be trusted with one
of the Important Secrets of Manhood. You must never tell this
secret to any women or girls.
'OK'
You have probably noticed that most things are run by men. The
boss is usually a man. Men usually get paid more than women.
HOWEVER, there isn't all that much difference between men and women.
'But what about...'
OH that. That isn't all that important. Are you any smarter
than the girls your age?
'Nope'
And I am not any smarter than the women my age. And you know
your mother could probably whip me in a fair fight. So, why do
you suppose that men are usually in charge?
'[SHRUG]'
It is because we don't play fair. We cheat. We men have lots
of little tricks that we use to make sure that women don't win.
And I am about to tell you one of the Most Important!
'[EXPECTANT STARE]'
Pockets!
'What!?'
It is true! Long ago, we men managed to convince the women
that they would rather wear clothing that looked pretty,
than wear clothing that worked right. And then we convinced
the women that pockets were ugly. So, now, most women's clothes
don't have pockets.
'Naaah'
Well, check for yourself. How many pockets do you have?
[1,2,3,4,5] '5'
How many pockets in your sisters dress?
[...] '0'
How many pockets in my suit?
[1,2,3, .. 13,14] '14!'
How many pockets in your mothers dress?
'0'
If you don't have any pockets, then you can't carry important things.
Important things like money, or keys, or tools. Men get to be in
charge because they can get things done, while the women are still
asking to borrow somebody's keys.
[Kid tries to escape, but I block the door.]
Son, I want you to remember that if you wear clothes that don't
work right, then people will think you are Useless. They might
even call you one of those nasty names that mean Useless like:
Fashionable! or Chic!
[Wife sweeps in.]
'What is taking you two so long? Are you ready?'
'[Shrug]'
My that dress looks nice. May I zip it up for you?
--------------------------
Forwarded-by: mweaver@heartland.bradley.edu (Monica Weaver)
In a previous article, wwilson@heartland.bradley.edu (William Wilson)
says:
One of my psych profs over here was telling our Learing &
Conditioning class an interesting story a while ago which I thought
might strike a few people over here in a reinforcing manner.
There's this bird named the gray-legged goose which has a
tendency to build its nest on top of a little hill it makes for itself.
Since it can't always be on top of the nest, it has a few instincts to
help it protect its unhatched eggs. The first of these is known as the
egg-retrieval instinct.
Essentially, the theory is this: If an egg rolls out, the goose
will see it. Upon seeing this egg, it will get up off its nest,
straddle the egg, try to knock it back up the hill with its beak, and
sit back down. Of course, this isn't an easy task and more often than
not, the goose loses the egg after a few taps. But, trapped in its
fixed action pattern, the bird will continue with the knocking motions
all the way up the hill, never even noticing that it's lost the egg.
Until, that is, it sees it again from the top of the nest.
All fine and dandy. Except for one problem... Other things
than eggs trigger this egg-retrieval instinct. Foremost among these is
a beer can. Apparently, beer cans and eggs are very similar in the
goose's mind, so it will waddle down its hill, tap the beer can up into
its nest, and sit back down.
Ordinarily, this wouldn't cause a problem. Unfortunately, the
goose has another instinct known as the "egg-rejection" instinct. The
rejection instinct works like this: if the goose is sitting on
something which doesn't feel like an egg, it will kick it out of the
nest. And beer cans, though they might look like eggs to the
gray-legged goose, definitely do not *feel* like eggs. So, soon after
the goose sits upon its new beer can, it will toss it out of the nest.
Here's where the problem comes in. The goose, after kicking
the can out of its nest will eventually notice the beer can again (Oh!
An egg!) and will waddle out towards it, tap it up the hill, and sit
down upon it a second time, whereupon it will throw the can out again.
And, yes, this process proceeds indefinitely. Just goes to
show you that nature never intended beer to come in cans...
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
Back to my Life Humor Page
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