From cate3@netcom.com Thu Apr 13 11:41:08 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life D.H
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 28 Apr 94 16:19:56 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life D.H
The following was sifted out of alt.quotations
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From: "Scott Hibbetts" [scotth@cs.indiana.edu]
Don Geddis [geddis@CS.Stanford.EDU] wrote:
]"Are tectonic plates dishwashwer-safe?"
] -- Herb Caen, S. F. Chronicle, 8/12/93
"ABC News will be right back with the Great Quake of '89, brought
to you by Subaru."
-ABC News, October 18?, 1989. (The day after the quake, when the power
came back on in Milpitas where I lived.)
This quote comes back to me every time I hear the name Subaru or ABC News.
--------------------------
From: winterh@emunix.emich.edu (Twist)
Heh heh... The PBS short series, "The Civil War" has something very similar
at the end. I believe it says, "The Civil War was brought to you by
the Mobil Oil Corporation."
--------------------------
From: kebarnes@msuvx1.memst.edu
And then there's the ever-popular:
"Nature is made possible by a grant from the Corporation
for Public Broadcasting." :)
(At times it would seem so... That, and the Discovery Channel.)
--------------------------
From: tom@HAN.Paramax.COM (Tom Jewell)
]From cable last week
"We now present the conclusion of . . . The Never-ending Story"
--------------------------
From: reda@watnow.uwaterloo.ca (Reda Ezzat FAYEK)
Happy are those who dream dreams and are willing
to pay the price to make them come true.
--------------------------
From: cochran@spam.rtp.dg.com (A. Jing Hippy)
|Rude Awakenings #457: Nobody really cares what |
|your GPA was. |
--------------------------
From: jars@halcyon.com (Juan Rodriguez)
In article [628900025@peg.apc.org], [sgard@peg.apc.org] wrote:
]And can anyone explain why Einstein, a physicist, should be so relentlessly
]quoted today on any subject? I'm sure he would be horrified. It's the
]'prominent figure as guru' effect. Why not asked Michael Jacksona about war?
]Or Shirley McLean? Magic Johnson? Andrew Lloyd Weber? Lorena Bobbitt?
]Stephen Gard
Among other reasons, because Albert Einstein was smart and profound, and
the other you mention were (and, who know? Maybe still are) neither.
Also, Albert Einstein' person and work were of lasting interest; the others
you mention are not. In one more generation those others will be utterly
forgotten, even by those who might ever think of them now; even now they
are forgettable and unimportant.
--------------------------
From: beesley@cn.ecn.purdue.edu (Chad Christopher Beesley)
One of my favorite WWII quotes:
"Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give the signal."
- Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower
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The following was sifted out of alt.quotations by:
LBennett:El Segundo
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"If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to
get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that
netnews is far more addictive than cocaine." -- Rob Stampfli
--------------------------
"An old puzzle asks how a barometer can be used to measure the height of a
building. Answers range from dropping the instrument from the top and
measuring the time of its fall to giving it to the building's superintendent
in return for a look at the plans. A modern version of the puzzle asks how
a personal computer can balance a checkbook. An elegant solution is to sell
the machine and deposit the money." -- Jon Bentley, More Programming Pearls
--------------------------
"The danger from computers is not that they will eventually get as
smart as men, but that we will meanwhile agree to meet them halfway."
-- Bernard Avishai
--------------------------
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree,
is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals.
We cause accidents."
-- Nathaniel Borenstein
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The following was sifted out of alt.quotations by:
Nancy L. Crawford:WBST129
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From: myong@flute.aix.calpoly.edu ()
Before the Fall, Hungarians used to joke about Soviet research into
genetic engineering. The Soviets were trying tocross a giraffe with
a cow. The new animal could eat in Budapest and be milked in Moscow.
--------------------------
From: fryt@pobox.upenn.edu (Miracle on 34th Street)
Here are a few quotes from former Philadelphia mayor Frank Rizzo, last of
the great "democratic machine" politicians. Her mayoral term (1971-1979)
was preceded by many years as Police Commissioner, and as a beat cop before
that.
"My police (say: pleece) force could invade Cuba and win."
"A conservative is a liberal who just got mugged."
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The following was sifted out of alt.quotations by:
krisna@cs.wisc.edu (Krishna Kunchithapadam)
--------------------------
From: grumpy@cbnewse.cb.att.com (Paul J Lucas)
Also a philosophy final exam: Define courage.
Student: This.
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The following was sifted out of alt.quotations by:
tonyp@cnvxla.convex.com (honey bunny)
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From: grendel@camelot.bradley.edu (Alyosha Bourgea)
Subj: Mark Twain quotes
MARK TWAIN
----------
Crank - a man with a new idea until it succeeds.
Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
Methuselah lived to be 969 years old. You boys and girls will see more in the
next fifty years than Methuselah saw in his whole lifetime.
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The following was sifted out of alt.quotations by:
dani@netcom.com (Dani Zweig)
--------------------------
From: dvaughn@vax1.umkc.edu
Do unto others, just don't get caught.
-Anonymous.
Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's
useless.
-Thomas Edison.
`Weird' is a relative term, not an absolute.
-Baron Frank N. Furter.
--------------------------
From: msb@sq.sq.com (Mark Brader)
Subj: Re: Quotations about logic ???
Here are two from my signature quotes collection:
"He's suffering from Politicians' Logic."
"Something must be done, this is something, therefore we must do it."
-- From "Yes, Prime Minister" by Jonathan Lynn and Antony Jay
--------------------------
From: bmm2012@tamsun.tamu.edu (Brian Mcdaniel)
Subj: Re: Quotations about logic ???
A physicist visits a colleague and notice a horseshoe hanging on the wall
above the entrance. "Do you really believe that a horseshoe brings luck ?"
he asks. "No", replies the colleague,"but I've been told that it works
even if you don't believe in it"
-- Told by Niels Bohrs
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The following was sifted out of alt.quotations by:
Keith Hendrickson:omaha
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From: kriman@acsu.buffalo.edu (Alfred M. Kriman)
William F. Buckley:
"I'd rather entrust the government of the United States to the
first 400 people listed in the Boston telephone directory than
to the faculty of Harvard University."
Edward Gibbon
"Dr. -- well remembered that he had a salary to receive, and only
forgot that he had a duty to perform."
[Autobiography]
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The following was sifted out of alt.quotations by:
Bill Mackiewicz [mutara@ccs.neu.edu]
--------------------------
From: jbruni@sfe.com (John R. Bruni)
The following was given to me by a USFS Marshall...it is attributed in its
entirety to one "Jack Neafsey." I have no idea who that is, and if anyone
else does please feel free to comment.
Laws to Remember
1. If you dance with a grizzly bear, you'd better let him lead. (The law
of "volunteering.")
2. When putting cheese in the mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
(The law of avoiding oversell.)
3. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. (The
know-when-to-quit law.)
4. Never accept a drink from a urologist. (The law of common sense.)
5. There are days when no matter which way you spit, it's upwind. (The
first law of reality.)
6. When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. (The second law
of reality.)
7. Whatever it is that hits the fan, it will not be evenly distributed.
(The third law of reality.)
8. Never get into fights with ugly people. They have nothing to lose.
(The fourth law of reality.)
9. Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. (The fifth law of reality.)
10. Reality is a crutch for those who can't cope with fantasy. (The law of
goal-setting.)
Jack Neafsey
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The following was sifted out of alt.quotations by:
the anonymous sifter
--------------------------
From: faber@parmesan.cs.wisc.edu (Ted)
"As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand."
-- Josh Billings
"Do you believe in justice?"
"I don't believe it's a natural law, like gravity. I think you have to fight
for it." --- HELLBLAZER
"Never pray for justice, because you might get some." -- Margaret Atwood
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The following was sifted out of alt.quotations by:
watts@lams.msd.lmsc.lockheed.com (Robyn M Watts)
--------------------------
From: faber@parmesan.cs.wisc.edu (Ted)
"Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends.
People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising
glance at his pals." -- Cynthia Heimel
"Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and VERY important." --Lisa Hoffmann
"Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last
romance." -- Ocsar Wilde
--------------------------
From: vkw1000@cl.cam.ac.uk (V.K. Wilks)
My Dad'd company recently had some Quality Assurance Auditors in, generally
checking that the company is supplying products to high enough standards etc.
When they had gone, a poster appeared witht the slogan :
Arguing with a QA Auditor is like wrestling with a pig in mud -
After a while you realise the pig is enjoying it!
I thought this was rather a good quote - and I guess it could be changed to annoy
people from many other professions as well!
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The following was sifted out of alt.quotations by:
nickless@mcs.anl.gov (Bill Nickless)
--------------------------
'Planet Bog - pools of toxic chemicals burble under a choking atmosphere
of poisonous gases - but other than that it's not much like the earth.
- Calvin & Hobbes
--------------------------
Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.
-- Rimmer - Red Dwarf "The End"
--------------------------
"There was a point to this narrative, but it has presently escaped
the chronicler's mind." --Douglas Adams
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The following was sifted out of alt.quotations by:
neil@robots.ox.ac.uk
--------------------------
From: sc015c@uhura.cc.rochester.edu (Seth Cohen)
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
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The following was sifted out of alt.quotations by:
Leigh Smith:XSIS
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From: mrc@access2.digex.net (mark chartrand)
When composing correct limericks,
Keep in mind a neat couple of tricks:
If your rhyme won't survive
In the requisite five,
You can cheat and go on to
Line six.
--------------------------
From: rdippold@qualcomm.com (Ron "Asbestos" Dippold)
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal,
the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment
of David Steele to the post."
-- Barrington, RI superintendent of (public) schools
And what is a good citizen? Simply one who never says, does or thinks
anything that is unusual. Schools are maintained in order to bring
this uniformity up to the highest possible point. -- H.L. Mencken
It sometimes seems as though we were trying to combine the ideal of no
schools at all with the democratic ideal of schools for everybody by
having schools without education. -- Robert Maynard Hutchins
Public school is like going to the world's greatest restaurant and
being fed the menu.
Public Schools are the Collective Farms of Education.
--------------------------
From: faber@swiss.cs.wisc.edu (Ted)
"The major cause of accidents remains hunter error, Johnson says. And it's
hard to teach people not to be stupid."
-- The Capitol Times (a paper in Wisconsin)
--------------------------
From: wnjohnny@wiscon.weizmann.ac.il (Yuval Kfir)
In the movie "Harvey", James Stewart explains his life philosophy in a
sentence which charmed me. Problem is, I can't recall the exact wording.
He says something like:
"My mother always said that in this life, you can either be smart or
you can be pleasant. I've tried 'smart'. I recommend 'pleasant'."
----------------------------------------------------
From: larsa@colargol.edb.tih.no (Lars Joergen Aas)
Subj: LIST: Movie Quotes (Memorable Quotes from Movies)
EMAIL: * You can contribute to this list by sending quotes and/or
corrections to: quotes.list@colargol.edb.tih.no
* Send comments/suggestions regarding the quotes.list to:
larsa@colargol.edb.tih.no
* Send comments/suggestions regarding the whole movie database
to: cn@ibmpcug.co.uk
The lists are available via anonymous FTP from:
cathouse.org in pub/cathouse/movies/database
ftp.funet.fi in pub/culture/tv+films/lists
--------------------------
# 'Crocodile' Dundee
Neville Bell: Oh no, you can't take my photograph.
Sue Charlton: Oh, I'm sorry, you believe it will take your spirit away?
Neville Bell: No, you got the lens-cap on.
--------------------------
# 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
Captain Nemo: I wonder if you are familiar with utensils, Mr. Land?
Ned Land: I'm indifferent to 'em.
--------------------------
# Die Hard 2
Grant: You are the wrong person at the wrong place at the wrong time!
John McClane: Story of my life.
--------------------------
# Empire Strikes Back, The
Han Solo: Afraid I was gonna leave without giving you a good bye kiss?
Princess Leia Organa: I'd just as soon kiss a wookie!
Han Solo: I can arrange that!
--------------------------
# Ghostbusters
Dekanus: This university will no longer continue any funding of any kind
for your group's activities.
Doctor Peter Venkman: But the kids love us!
--------------------------
# Grand Canyon (1991)
Davis: All of life's riddles are answered in the movies.
--------------------------
# Holiday (1938)
Johnny Case: When I find myself in a position like this, I ask myself what
would General Motors do? ...and then I do the opposite!
--------------------------
# Hook (1991)
Peter Banning: I'm not a pirate! It so happens that I am a lawyer.
--------------------------
# How to Marry a Millionaire
[Referring to older men marrying young women]
Lauren Bacall: Look at Roosevelt, look at Churchill, look at old fella
what's his name in The African Queen.
--------------------------
# In the Line of Fire
Lilly Raines: What makes you think he'll call back?
Frank Horrigan: Oh, he'll call back. He's got "panache".
Lilly Raines: Panache?
Frank Horrigan: Yeah, it means flamboyance.
Lilly Raines: I know what it means.
Frank Horrigan: Really? I had to look it up...
--------------------------
# Into the Night
Ed Okin: Are we under arrest or what?
FBI Agent: I think you fall into the 'or what' category.
--------------------------
# Jurassic Park
Ian Malcolm: Oh no. We're in the hands of engineers!
Ian Malcolm: Yes, John. But when the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down,
the pirates don't eat the tourists.
--------------------------
# Last Action Hero
Jack Slater: My daughter's not normal. For the prom, she stayed home and
field stripped an AK-47.
--------------------------
# Last Boy Scout, The
Joe Hallenbeck: This ain't no game, Flash! Real guns. Real bullets. It's
dangerous.
Jimmy Dix: "Dangerous" is my middle name.
Joe Hallenbeck: Mine is "Cornelius".
--------------------------
# Lethal Weapon
Roger Murtaugh: Have you ever met anybody you didn't kill?
Martin Riggs: I haven't killed you, have I?
--------------------------
# Manhunter (1986)
Wil Graham: I know that I'm not smarter than you.
Dr. Hannibal Lector: Then how did you catch me?
Wil Graham: You had disadvantages.
Dr. Hannibal Lector: What disadvantages?
Wil Graham: You're insane.
--------------------------
# North by Northwest
Roger O. Thornhill: I didn't realize you were an art collector. I thought
you only collected corpses.
--------------------------
# Raiders of the Lost Ark
Indiana Jones: It's not the years honey, it's the mileage.
[Army Intelligence officer describing Indiana Jones]
Officer: Professor of Archeology, expert on the occult, and how does one
say it? Obtainer of rare antiquities.
Sallah: Indy, why does the floor move?
Indiana Jones: Snakes ... why did it hafta be snakes?
Sallah: Asps ... very dangerous. You go first.
Indiana Jones: This site also demonstrates one of the great dangers of
archeology, not to life and limb, although that does sometimes take place,
I'm talking about folklore.
--------------------------
# Return of the Jedi
Han Solo: I think my eyes are getting better. Instead of a big dark blur
it's a big light blur.
Luke Skywalker: There's nothing to see. I used to live here you know.
Han Solo: You gonna die here you know. Convenient!
C3PO: I do believe they think I am some kind of god.
Han Solo: Well, why dont you use your divine influence and get us out of
this?
C3PO: I beg your pardon general Solo, but that just wouldn't be proper.
Han Solo: Proper???
C3PO: It's against my programming to impersonate a deity.
--------------------------
# Star Wars
[R2D2 and Chewbacca are playing the holographic game on Millennium Falcon]
Chewbacca: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh
C3PO: He made a fair move. Screaming about it can't help it.
Han Solo: I don't get it. It's not wise to upset a wookie.
C3PO: But Sir, nobody worries about upsetting a droid.
Han Solo: That's because droids don't pull peoples arms out of their
sockets if they lose. Wookies are known to do that.
C3PO: I see your point, Sir. I suggest a new strategy, R2... Let the
wookie win.
Han Solo: Not a bad bit of rescue. You know, sometimes I amaze even
myself.
Princess Leia Organa: That doesn't seem too hard.
--------------------------
# Under Siege (1992)
Admiral Bates: This is Admiral Bates speaking. I am trying to get a hold
of chief Ryback. Is he about?
Jordan Tate: He is in a gunfight right now. I'm gonna have to take a
message.
--------------------------
# Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Jessica: I've loved you more than any woman's loved a rabbit.
--------------------------
# Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Willy Wonka: No other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by
waterfall.
Willy Wonka: So much time and so little to do ... strike that, reverse it.
--------------------------
# Witness (1985)
Rachel Lapp: I just don't like my son spending all his time with a man who
carries a gun and goes around whacking people.
John Book: How do I look - I mean, do I look Amish?
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
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