From cate3@netcom.com Tue Apr 11 09:28:12 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life D.G
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
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Date: 28 Apr 94 11:01:08 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life D.G
The following selections are from a collection built by:
Leif Bennnett [LBennett.el_segundo@xerox.com]
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An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.
-- Winston Churchill
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The patriot must always be prepared to defend his country from his government.
-- Ed Abbey
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I've heard that the government wants to put a tax on the mathematically
ignorant. Funny, I thought that's what the lottery was!
-- Gallagher
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People are more violently opposed to fur than leather, because it's safer to
harass rich women than biker gangs.
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"I see computers as an engine, and that's a good term because computers are like automobiles...Computers help you an awful lot with speed but are almost useless in terms of charting direction."
-- Nobel Prize Winner Arno Penzias
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Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
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When the only tool you have is an axe, every problem looks like a tree.
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He who saves a single life saves the entire world.
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In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.
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The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments.
-- PBS Underwriting Annoucement
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"If you will not fight for right when you can easily win without
bloodshed; if you will not fight when your victory will be sure and not
too costly; you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with
all the odds against you and only a precarious chance of survival.
"There may be even a worse case. You may have to fight when there
is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than live as slaves."
-- Winston Churchill
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In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any
highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two
officers or unless she be armed with a club"
An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this
statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor
exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."
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For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over
public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled.
-- Richard Feynman
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Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover.
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As for gross ignorance, it is 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance.
--Bennett Cerf
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Missouri loves company.
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Dane-Geld
A.D. 980-1016 by Rudyard Kipling.
It is always a temptation to an armed and agile nation
To call upon a neighbor and to say: --
"We invaded you last night--we are quite prepared to fight,
Unless you pay us cash to go away."
And that is called asking for Dane-geld,
And the people who ask it explain
That you've only to pay 'em the Dane-geld
And then you'll get rid of the Dane!
It is always a temptation to a rich and lazy nation,
To puff and look important and to say: --
"Though we know we should defeat you, we have not the time to meet you.
We will therefore pay you cash to go away."
And that is called paying the Dane-geld;
But we've proved it again and again,
That if once you have paid him the Dane-geld
You never get rid of the Dane.
It is wrong to put temptation in the path of any nation,
For fear they should succumb and go astray;
So when you are requested to pay up or be molested,
You will find it better policy to say: --
"We never pay *any*-one Dane-geld,
No matter how trifling the cost;
For the end of that game is opression and shame,
And the nation that plays it is lost!"
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Religious differences
Five died and dozens were injured as 2,000 warriors battled
for four days near Papua, New Guinea, in May, after a dispute
between two tribes about how to serve a roasted pig at a
peace ceremony.
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The following is from the L.A. Times Magazine Nov.11,1990:
Brief anecdotes from the Dumb Crook News an occasional feature
of Out Front from the Charlotte Observer.
Robbery victims inspected a lineup up of 5 men in San Diego.
Each of the men in the lineup were ordered to step forward and
say,"Give me all the money-and I need some change in quarters and dimes.
The first two men got it right. The third man stepped forward and said,
"That isn't what I said."
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A man in Delaware represented himselft at his trial for robbing a woman
at a gas station. In cross-examining a detective he said," Why are
you talking about some witness, man? There was only me and her at the store."
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There was a bank robber once that was *so* stupid that he tried to have the
teller deposit the money he was stealing into his own bank account!
I think don't the police required *any* deduction to find him.
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From: Tom Lincoln [lincoln%iris@rand.org]
Subj: The need for utilities to deal with non-standard situations
Take the case of a nearby hardware store: They have tried to order some power
tools from Black & Decker. However, the order has been rejected because there
is a non-zero balance of over 60 days. In this case, however, it is not a
debit, but a $8.49 credit! B&D does not send out checks to adjust a credit
balance, but rather applies the credit to the next order... But in this case...
And there is no override...
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This item comes by way of MicroSoftie EdH:
Here's a story related by a speaker at the recent aviation seminar
in Tacoma.
The speaker recalled an incident at one of California's major
airports. A PSA jet was taxiing out behind a Delta. It was very
busy, and a long line of jets was lined up for departure.
PSA, Delta, and Ground Control had a conversation that went
something like:
PSA: "Ground Control [GC], could you ask the Delta ahead of
me to come up on (radio frequency) 1xx.35?"
[a pause followed]
Delta: "GC, please inform PSA that we at Delta are
professionals; we do not use unauthorized frequencies."
[Another pause followed by:]
PSA: "GC, now for all listening to this frequency and for the
FAA tapes -- would you please inform Delta that their very
professional gear pins are still in place?"
[A much longer silence (actually I imagine a lot of folks laughing
too hard to talk except in the Delta Cabin)]
Delta: "GC, Delta Flight xxx requests taxi back to the gate."
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A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he fell
among thieves, who took all his goods, beat him savagely and left him
dying by the wayside.
As it happend on that same day two social workers passed that way, and
looking upon him were filled with pity and concern. Whereupon one
turned to the other and said
"The person who did this needs our help!"
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I read (in "Reader's Digest", I think -- this story is just too
precious to be from one of my more usual sources) the story of a
kid who'd cut open a golf ball, and who had *eaten* the liquid
centre. The stuff in this case was a thick, dark fluid, and the
child's mother naturally assumed that it was some petroleum product.
She frantically called the family doctor, and as she was rushing
to the doctor's office with the apparently poisoned kid, the GP
was rapidly flipping through the "Common Household Poisons" book.
No dice -- there was no mention of golf balls in it. The doc called
up a golf ball manufacturer and explained the situation; but they
said that their golf balls had a solid core.
"I wish I'd asked the name of the manufacturer!" the doctor lamented.
The ball manufacturer helpfully named their sole competitor that
made balls with liquid centres.
Another quick phone call, and the answer: the centre was made of
cod liver oil.
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From: johnson@sleipnir.mnesouth.corp.mot.com ("Johnson")
I knew a guy with two parrots. The first one I heard kept making sort of
grunting noises, like he was trying to bush his sushi. I asked what it was,
and was told that was his dog imitation. "What kind of dog do you have?" I
asked, since the sound was nothing like any dog I'd ever heard. "I don't,"
he told me. "He's imitating the neighbor's dog." Sure enough, it sounded
exactly like a dog barking *outside*, muffled by the walls.
His second parrot lived in his "game room", where he had all his computers
and video games. Until you've experienced it yourself, you have no idea how
difficult it is to play such a game with the bird making video game sounds
which are in no way related to the game you're playing.
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On a street corner in London, circa 1942:
A gentleman walked up to a soldier and asked, "Pardon me,
sir, which side is the War Ministry on ?"
"Ours, I hope."
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From: shaig@Think.COM (Shai Guday)
I served in the subs for two years as an electricians mate.
We had one great prank that we pulled on an electronics expert
that came aborad to debug some hardware. Now this hotshot was
supposed to be on board for a full one day cruise.
We had wired the seat of the chair in front of the rudder control
by running fine copper wire through the cushion fabric. As the
cushion was reddish, this was not easily spotted. We than connected
an insulated wire to the copper wire, and ran it some distance away.
One end of the insultaed wire was connected to a resistance meter,
the kind with the manual crank, and the other end to the hull.
When the hotshot came on board, we offered him the chance to take the
wheel. The wheel was a solid metal control, similar to an airplane
wheel used by pilots. As are all electronic/electrical items in a sub,
it is grounded to the hull. Well, our victim sat down and began steering,
whereupon one crewmember turned the crank furiously. He jumped up complaining
of "electrical shocks" and said that the grounding must be faulty.
Whereupon someone brought out a FLUKE and showed that the grounding
was perfect.
We kept this up for 10 mins, while he was getting frustrated over his
inability to locate the source of the "leakage". Finally, the
chief told him that it was probably being caused by static electricity
generated by his dacron uniform (we were all in shipboard fatigues).
He suggested a simple remedy, brought out a 4 ft. long wire with
alligator clips on either end. He attached one end to the bozo's
lapel, and the other end to a grounding surface. Mysteriously,
the shocks stopped. For the rest of the cruise this guy was walking
around attaching an alligator clip to the nearest grounding plate
to avoid shocks. 8^)
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From: Swinehart
[From the Telecom news group; contributed by John Higdon of San Jose. What I want to know is that if it was a wrong number, why did he answer it in the first place?]
There is a particular breed of telephone user that I would greatly
like to see exterminated. It is the Dedicated Wrong Number Caller.
This pest will call and ask to speak to someone who does not reside at
your number (say "Sue"). You say, "I'm sorry there is no 'Sue' at this
number." The caller hangs up. Phone rings again. Same caller. You say,
"What number are you trying to reach?"
Caller recites your number. You say, "You must have gotten a wrong
number since there is no 'Sue' here." Caller hangs up. Phone rings
again. Caller says, "May I speak to Sue, it's very important." This
time, losing your patience, you invite the caller to not call again.
Caller asks how long you have had this number. More than twenty years.
Caller hangs up.
Then, apparently in the belief that if the matter is laid to rest for
about twenty minutes everything will straighten itself out, the caller
tries again, this time with a Pac*Bell operator in tow. Phone is
answered and the voice on the other end says, "This is the Pacific
Bell operator. Have I reached 723-XXXX?"
"Yes, you have."
"Is there a Sue at this number?"
"No, there isn't and never has been."
"Did you recently get this number?"
"I have had this number since the exchange was created. In other words
no one has ever had this number other than myself."
Operator to caller, "I'm sorry, the party you are trying to reach does
not seem to be at this number." Disconnect.
Just when you think that it's over, you get a call from Pac*Bell repair
asking what sort of trouble you are having on the line. A caller
reported the line out of order because he kept getting the wrong party
for the number he was dialing!
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From: Douglas R. Hitchcock:WBST102A
1) "A Rose is a rose is a rose."
Gertrude Stein actually wrote "Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose" from Sacred Emily, 1913.
2) "Yesterday, December 7, 1941 - a day that will live in infamy"
The actual quote was "Yesterday, December 7, 1941 - a date which will live in infamy".
3) "We hold these truths to be self evident - that all men are created equal; that they are endowed certain inalienable rights . . ."
The actual quote is "Unalienable rights . . . . "
4) "God save the gracious queen! Long live the noble queen!"
The British national anthem speaks of "OUR gracious queen" and "OUR noble queen".
5) "All that glitters is not gold."
From Shakespeare in The Merchant of Venice (Act 2, Scene 7) the proper quotation is "All that glistens is not gold".
6) "Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!"
"Damn the torpedoes, captain Drayton, go ahead!" is what Admiral David G. Farragut said at the battle of Mobile Bay (8/5/1864). The confederate torpedoes luckily proved to be defective.
7) "You are what you eat"
"Tell me what you eat and I will tell you what you are", wrote Anthelme Brillat-Savarin in 'Physiologie din Gout' (1825).
8) "Play it again, Sam."
Ingred Bergman actually said "Play it, Sam", in Casablanca.
9) "Alas poor Yorick, I knew him well."
Hamlet actually said, "Alas poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."
10) "Once more into the breach, dear friends."
King Henry said |Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more." in Shakespeare's Henry V (act 3, scene 1)
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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