From cate3@netcom.com Thu Apr 6 10:55:02 1995 From: cate3@netcom.com Subject: Life D.F To: jwry.dli@netcom.com Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com --------------------------------------- Date: 28 Apr 94 11:00:22 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life D.F The following are selections of stuff from Jay Leno: ---------------------------------------------------- They say Hussein is using a double; a guy to act as a decoy. That's a great job, huh - look at those benefits! Great pay, travel, and REAL early retirement!. Did you see the diagrams of Hussein's hideout? The military says its a reinforced concrete bunker, 60 feet underground, bombproof steel doors, 6 feet thick walls, and guards with machine guns. Yesterday, an Amway salesman still got through! The Iraqi Air Force took another pounding yesterday. They have a new slogan: "I'd walk a mile for a Camel". I understand that all the Iraqi planes have a "bumper sticker" on the back that says: "If you can read this, you must be leaving the country too." Actually, things ARE getting worse for the Iraqi Air Force. Did you hear the latest? An Iraqi fighter plane was shot down by a DHL delivery truck. I'm sure you know by now that last week Saddam Hussein sent something like 100 of his best planes to Iran for safekeeping. See, in military circles this is known as the Taco Bell defense. If you're losing, "Make a run for the Border!" The U.N. Sanctions seem to be having an impact. The latest satellite photos Iraqi troops holding up signs saying "We'll fight for food." Hussein is also running low on supplies. He's already used up half his stockpile of ammunition just by executing his own generals. Iraq has accused Britain of being cowardly. In fact, Hussein issued this statement personally - from his secret hiding place 60' underground. Boy, he's one tough guy! Iraqi TV wanted to have some of THEIR retired generals on, but there aren't any! (When Saddam retires you - HE RETIRES YOU.) Here's something interesting. The CIA is reporting that Saddam has another three-level underground bunker he uses as a vacation home, 30 miles west of Baghdad. Officials say he'd probably be there now, but its one of those time-sharing bunkers and its Khaddafy's week to have the place. And, of course, you've got people capitalizing on this war. Have you seen some of the novelty items they've come out with? They're selling these golf balls with Saddam's picture on them. The trouble is once you've got them in the hole, you can't get them out! How about those Desert Storm trading cards they've come out with. They look like baseball cards except they have pictures of military personnel on them. You can get like Gen. Schwartzkopf, Colin Powell. But here's a tip. If you want Saddam Hussein's card autographed - you'd better do it REAL soon. I'll tell you something. The war is having an effect on the Soviet Union. When the Russian people first saw the Iraqi soldiers getting food, folks in Moscow started surrendering to the allies as well! Did you hear about this? New York City is going to have a ticker tape parade for the soldiers returning from the Middle East. Is that fair? C'mon. The last thing our soldiers need right now is to be surrounded by gun fire again. Give them a break! Here is an interesting fact about the Middle East you may not have known. Did you know there are an estimated 6500 princes in Saudi Arabia ---- but NO frogs. Something to think about. The drought is causing a lot of problems. Kind of a sad scene at Universal Studios. Did you see what's been going on there? They've got "JAWS" lying in two inches of water trying to surprise the tourists. .....its not the same.... In the Middle East, they found a group of Iraqi soldiers wandering in the desert. They didn't know the war had ended - they were still surrendering! Can you imagine? Do you know about this Biosphere II experiment? They have created several environments in there. In fact, the desert in Biosphere II is so real, that yesterday, 100 Iraqi soldiers surrendered to one of the scientists! -------------------------- In Hollywood, filming has begun on Star Trek VI. I'm a big fan, but aren't Captain Kirk and the crew getting a little old for this kind of activity? The newspaper today said they're having to find easier opponents for them to have fist fights with. This latest movie is gonna be called "The Wrath of Barnaby Jones." Now they started filming "Star Trek VI". Isn't the cast getting just a little old for this? Shouldn't this movie be called "Cocoon III"? -------------------------- How about this! Did you know they're sending The Geraldo Rivera Show to Russia? This is true. I'm not making it up. A lot of people say sending Geraldo to Russia at a time of turmoil is a bad idea. I think its a GREAT idea! I think bringing him BACK is a bad idea. Experts tell us that Russia is now where the U.S. was in the 1950's. If you look at it, you'll see it's true. They have black and white TVs, they drive funny looking cars, they wear baggy suits, and they're all afraid of communism! I think the anti-Communists are beginning to go a little crazy. Yesterday, 10,000 Ukranians tore down a statue of Harpo Marx. (A little over reacting, perhaps?) Soviet author Alexander Solzenitzyn returned to Russia after 17 years in exile. Can you imagine exiling someone for 17 years just for writing a book? Okay, maybe....in Geraldo Rivera's case.... The Soviets announced that they have an experiment like Biosphere II, but that it's bigger and better than ours. They call theirs Cuba.... Do you know what Boris Yeltsin's salary is? It's $40.00 a month! Can you imaginge that.....$40.00 a month? Wow... for all the mistakes the Russians have made, I'll give them this.....at least they pay their politicians exactly what they're worth! Russian economists are concerned that it will take the Russians a couple of generations to develop a healthy middle class. Ah c'mon... if we can live without one...so can they! The food shortage in Russia is so bad....that when someone gives a Russian a fruitcake - he eats it! -------------------------- President Bush has been complaining that an on-going drum beat from the park across the street from the White House has been keeping him awake at night. At first they though it was anti-war protesters, but then they found out it was just that stupid Energizer bunny caught in the hedges. February 12th was the anniversary of Abraham Lincoln's Birthday. As you know, Lincoln was certainly a great man. Thanks to him the slaves were freed, the union was preserved, and all TVs and applicances are 30-50% off! You know.....this is really a fun job. The other day I was thinking - Just when you think you're running out of jokes, and you can't write any more, Jerry Brown announces he's gonna run for the Presidency of the U.S.!!!! Yes! Here's something that makes the Democratic race really interesting. Three of the candidates are unmarried. That will make the primary balloting easier. You can just vote for bachelor #1, or bachelor #2, or bachelor #3. Yesterday was election day in most parts of the country. Boy, these campaigns are so-o-o-o nasty!!! The Republicans call the Democrats dishonest..... The Democrats call the Republicans liars.... Which just goes to show you that both parties ARE capable of telling the truth when they want to..... New York Governor Mario Cuomo says he's still undecided about running for the Presidency. He said deciding to run is a struggle between his heart and his mind. Well....if he has both a heart and a mind....he's way OVERqualified for either party. Did you see it on the news? They had lots of footage of President Bush buying some socks and some clothes for his grandchildren for Christmas. SOCKS? for Christmas? Boy.....if you thought his popularity was slipping before ---- wait til his grandkids wake up Christmas morning! (and you know, of course, Hussein's kids are probably getting Game Boy, Nintendo, and G.I. Joe....) You know what's really amazing? Despite all this talk, top economic forecasters say we're not in a recession -- we're just having a slow recovery. Yeah. That's like saying we don't have a lot of unemployed......just a lot of people who are really, REALLY, late for work! A lot of critics feel that the problem at the White House is that there's no one there that has any feel for the middle class. See...that's where the Democrats are lucky. They've got REAL middle class people advising them. People who know what its like to work for a living. People with names like Rockefeller..... Kennedy.... I got a chain letter in the mail the other day. It said to send money to the person at the top of the list, put MY name at the bottom of the list, and send the letter to ten friends....or else I would have bad luck. Boy..... that Jerry Brown will do ANYTHING to raise money... Here's something I didn't know. Every time Governor Clinton says "I didn't do it"........ Gary Hart gets a royalty. The most annoying thing about this campaign is that we still don't know WHERE the candidates stand on the issues. All we know for sure is that: Ross Perot hasn't SAID anything; President Bush hasn't DONE anything; and Bill Clinton hasn't INHALED anything.... I like when the Presidential candidates take advantage of something. Did you all see the candidates touring the riot torn area? Here's the part that was interesting. After the candidates toured the area, the looting stopped. I guess they figured that once politicians walk through an area....there's nothing left to steal! This whole controversy is starting to affect the other candidates as well. In fact, yesterday Bill Clinton was asked where HE stood on the Murphy Brown pregnancy and Clinton said, "Hey. I never even touched her.....okay?" Then Brown met with some other gang members. This is true.... He asked the gang members to vote for him. Some of the gang members said they couldn't vote for him because they were convicted felons and they weren't allowed to vote. (This is all true.) I can understand that. I mean you can't let convicted felons vote.... Hey...they might put DISHONEST people in office!!! Perot said the real reason he quit was if the election were thrown into the House, it could throw Congress into disarray. PUHLEASE.... Congress has got a three trillion dollar debt; they've bounced thousands of checks; they walk out on lunch tabs; they've got sex scandals, drinking... Heaven forbid a FINE organization like this should be thrown into disarray... My problem with Perot was he never looked like a President to me. He always looked like he belonged in a hollowed out tree making Keebler cookies or something. And, Jerry Brown said he will keep his "800" number and keep traveling around the country to continue to talk to voters. I don't get it.... Ross Perot had 20 MILLION supporters and he wouldn't run. Brown has SIX supporters and he won't stop running. What's going on? And of course you've heard about Wayne Newton. He declared bankruptcy this week. He's $20 million in debt. $20 million in debt. He went from Republican to Democrat.....(finger-snap) just like that! President Bush then went after Clinton. He said "Clinton has been spotted in more places than Elvis Presley". It isn't really true. There was ONE place Elvis was spotted at that Clinton was never seen at....The Draft Board! New controversy surrounding Bill Clinton. Everyday its something! I guess a retired Naval Officer said it was Bill Clinton's UNCLE helped keep Clinton out of the draft. Clinton got help from his uncle; Quayle got help from his father. No wonder these guys are such big fans of family values! Clinton's in trouble now for this draft thing. This is going to haunt him through the campaign. I guess there are three principal players: Clinton's uncle, who is a car salesman; his uncle's lawyer; and Clinton himself. You've got a car salesman, a lawyer, and a politician. I know this is a stretch...but do you think there's a chance ONE of those guys could be lying? Dan Quayle said during the Tuesday night debates that the three words Bill Clinton fears most are "Telling the Truth". I don't think so. I think the three words Bill Clinton fears most are "You've been drafted". Alternate three words::::: "Hi, remember me?" (in a soft female voice) -------------------------- Michael Jackson's biography has been delayed again. The book has been finished for a long time - but they keep having to update the picture for the cover. Not all good news though. Another major setback for American business. A huge shipload of "Buy American" stickers were lost on their way here from Japan. (That will hold up production another few weeks.) Well, some happy news for a change. (Last week) was the Chinese New Year. The Year of the Ram. You know I can't believe it's the Year of the Ram... I'm still writing Year of the Goat on all my checks. Are you doing that too? Yugo is now coming out with a mini-van. Well, that makes sense. This way there'll always be an extra two or three people to help you push. There's so much crime in New York City now, police are getting worried. They say that, within the next five years, they could completely run out of chalk to outline dead bodies with... The manufacturers of the Yugo automobile have just put something on their cars to discourage car theft. They made the name "YUGO" bigger! TWA and American Airlines are now negotiating to divide up Pan Am. They're going to decide who gets the planes, who gets the overseas routes, who gets the terminal gates, and, of course, the big one.... who is going to get that big 18-story warehouse in New Jersey filled with luggage..... There is still a water shortage in Los Angeles. Of course, you're not supposed to water your lawns too much. I've got an idea. Why don't we truck in water from the Sacramento River... you know the one that had the herbicide spill??? This way, you can water your lawn AND kill the weeds all at the same time! Doctors say that within 20 years they will be able to replace human hearts with mechanically operated pumps. Boy, you think doctors make a lot of money now....wait til they start doing plumbing!!!!! Seattle police arrested a man in April for defrauding a cab driver out of a combined $27.20 fare, incurred for taking him to several stores in order to find one that would cash two non-negotiable checks clearly marked "void" and "sample". The Clarence Thomas hearings taught us an awful lot about how our government works. For example, do you know WHY we have two senators from each state? One is the designated driver! There is now a move to make Washington, D.C. our 51st state. Think it should be a state? I don't know.... If we want to make America more competitive again, maybe we should make Japan the 51st state! More bad economic news. Sears has announced that they're going to lay off 7,000 employees. How can Sears lay off 7,000 employees? When I shop at Sears I have a hard time finding even ONE employee!! Lawyers at the American Bar Association convention in San Francisco were charged $37.00 to attend a luncheon. $37.00 to eat lunch! There's something about seeing lawyers get overcharged that makes you feel good all over....
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