From cate3@netcom.com Tue Apr 4 12:34:52 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life D.E
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 28 Apr 94 11:00:16 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life D.E
The following are from the humor list:
HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu (Or HUMOR@uga.bitnet)
To add yourself send to LISTSERV@UGA.bitnet the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, as the first line in the message
----------------------------------------------------
From: Jesse DuPont [cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU]
Q: What do you call a blond up in a tree wearing a suit and carrying a
brief case?
A: A branch manager . . .
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
As a pretty large number of culprits were going to take their last
degree at Tyburn, the wife of one of them pressed through the crowd,
and told the sheriff she had come to see her poor husband executed,
and begged that he might be hanged first in the morning, as she had
great ways to go home. (The New York, Connecticut, and New Jersey
Almanack for 1799)
Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American
Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
Tyburn Hill at London was once the place of public executions.
--------------------------
From: Paul Robinson [PAUL@TDR.COM]
Subj: From our 'You can't do that!' department...
A man's attorney was trying to represent his client who was charged with
knowingly mailing obscene material. He asked the prosecutor for the
Justice Department to let him see the material in question. The prosecutor
had a copy of the material made, and mailed it to the attorney.
--------------------------
From: [JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU]
April 15, 1993 (Special)
The IRS reported today that thousands of Macintosh owners were filing
Form 4868 (Application for Automatic Extension of Time To File U.S.
Individual Income Tax Return).
It seems that they all used MacInTax, and Form 4868 was the only form
that printed out correctly.
--------------------------
From: Whitmark Christop CDT [x63555f1@USMA3.USMA.EDU]
This joke is not funny to read, but should be good to play on someone else, I
got a kick out of it.
I was driving down the road the other day and saw a hitchhiker. So I stopped
and picked him up. Well, he got in the back seat with a bag. Well, my friend,
being nosey, asked him what was in the bag. He said, "none of your business."
OK. So we go on a few more minutes, and my friend asked agian, "hey whats in
the bag?" He again said, "none of your business." Well, this sounded too
fishy for us so we pulled over and told him to get out. Well, he jumped out
and we took off. My friend looks in the bcak seat and sees the bag.
**Now the person listening to the joke has to ask, "whats in the bag?"**
You say, "none of your business."
--------------------------
From: -= Brandon =- [bab137@PSU.EDU]
Excerpt from the Daily Collegian. All this week the paper has been printing
a series of articles about the internet. Yesterday's articles was about
dating on the internet. Here is a portion of the article.
There are people who find love at first sight. Some people on the internet
find love at first byte.
--------------------------
From: Les Pourciau at UMem [POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU]
One Sunday morning after the church service, the minister was standing
on the church steps, shaking hands and visiting with members of the
congregation. One couple walked up with a small girl who appeared to
be barely four years old. The young girl was counting "...three,
four, five,..." when the minister said, "Sally! You can count. Good
for you! Please go on." Sally started again with "...six, seven,
eight, nine, ten." The minister said, "Very good! Now, do you know
what comes after ten?" Sally said, "Joker, Queen, Ace, ..."
--------------------------
From: Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber [jeffrh@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM]
"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding
a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their
command pathways?"
"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." [Geordi
presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]
[Riker looks puzzled.] "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
[Data turns to answer.] "Allow me to explain. We will send this program,
for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once
inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources
at an unstoppable rate."
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric
shape' idea."
--------------------------
From: Phil Corless [APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET]
There's a new Barbie doll in the stores...
It's called Divorced Barbie.
It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
--------------------------
From: John Beck [FABJ@NMUMUS.BITNET]
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it." The juggler
gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man
driving by slows to watch.
"Wow," says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test
they're giving now!"
----------------------------------------------------
The following are about Nasrudin
This pieces were posted to the HUMOR digest over several months
--------------------------
From: Joe Mole [JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET]
This is another humorous lesson taught through the Sufi teacher (Mulla
Nasrudin). These stories are more like one of Aesop's fables than a
joke. Several people have written to say that they have recognized
some of these stories as Yiddish. I've noticed that too. Culturally
and geographically, it shouldn't be surprising that Jews, Arabs, and
Persians (Iranians) would share some similar art forms.
Now the stories:
------
BLOWING ON HIS HAND
Nasrudin is visited by a would-be disciple. The man, after many
vicissitudes, arrives at the hut on the mountain side where the
Mulla is sitting. Knowing that every single action of the
illuminated Sufi is meaningful, the newcomer asks Nasrudin why he
is blowing on his hands. "To warm myself in the cold, of course."
Shortly afterward, Nasrudin pours out two bowls of soup, and
blows on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" asks the
disciple. "To cool it, course," says the teacher.
At this point the disciple leaves Nasrudin, unable to trust any
longer a man who uses the same process to arrive a different
resutls--heat and cold.
------
THE KING TOLD ME
The Mulla had returned to his village from the imperial
capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what he had to
say of his adventures.
"At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the
King spoke to me."
There was a gasp of excitement. A citizen of their village
had actually been spoken to by the King! The tidbit was more than
enough for the yokels. They dispersed to pass on the wonderful
news.
But the least sophisticated of all hung back, and asked the
Mulla exactly what the King had said.
"What he said--quite distinctly, mind you, for anyone to hear-
-was 'Get out of my way!'"
------
THE BULL GORED THE COW
A yokel came to the Mulla and said, "Your bull gored my cow.
Am I entitled to any compensation?"
"No," said the Mulla at once, "the bull is not responsible for
its actions."
"Sorry," said the crafty villager, "I put it the wrong way
around. I meant that it was your cow which was gored by my bull.
But the situation is the same."
"Oh, no," said Nasrudin, "I think I had better look up my law
books to see whether there is a precedent for this."
------
FAVORITE SAYINGS OF THE MULLA NASRUDIN
Truth is something which I never speak.
A sample is a sample. Yet nobody would buy my house when I
showed them a brick from it.
People sell talking parrots for huge sums. They never pause
to compare the possible value of a thinking parrot.
------
A GOLD COIN, THEN A COPPER COIN
Nasrudin visited a Turkish bath. Because he was dressed in
rags, he was cavalierly treated by the attendants, who gave him an
old towel and a scrap of soap. When he left, he handed the amazed
bath men a gold coin. The next day he appeared again,
magnificently attired, and was naturally given the best possible
attention and deference.
When the bath was over, he presented the bath keepers with the
smallest copper coin available.
"This," he said, "was for the attendance last time. The gold
coin was for your treatment of me this time."
------
WHOM DO YOU BELIEVE?
A neighbor went to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It
is out on loan," said the Mulla.
At that moment the donkey was heard to bray, somewhere inside
the stable.
"But I can hear it bray, in there."
"Whom do you believe," said the Mulla, "me or a donkey?"
------
A CLOTHESLINE
A neighbor came to borrow Nasrudin's clothesline.
"I am sorry but I am drying flour on it."
"But how can you dry flour on a line?"
"It is less difficult than you think, when you don't want to
lend it."
------
There was once a woman who had heard of the Fruit of Heaven.
She coveted it.
She asked a certain dervish, Mulla Nasrudin:
"How can I find this fruit, so that I may attain to immediate knowledge?"
"You would be best advised to study with me," answered the Mulla. "But
if you will not do so, you will have to travel resolutely and at time
restlessly throughout the world."
She was dissatisfied and left him and sought another teacher, Arif the
Wise One, and then found Hakim the Sage, then Majzub the Mad, then
Alim the Scientist, and many more.
She passed thirty years in her search. Finally she came to a garden.
There stood the Tree of Heaven, and from its branches hung the bright
Fruit of Heaven.
Standing beside the Tree was Nasrudin, the person who first tried to
be her teacher.
"Why did you not tell me when we first met that you were the Custodian
of the Fruit of Heaven?" she asked him.
"Because you would not then have believed me. Besides, the Tree produces
fruit only once in thirty years and then only for 30 days."
------
ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE GLASS
Nasrudin was walking along a dusty road with a friend, when
they realized that they were very thirsty. They stopped at a
teahouse and found that they had between them only enough money to
buy a glass of milk. The friend said: "Drink your half first; I
have a twist of sugar here which I will add to my share."
"Add it now, brother, and we shall both partake," said the
Mulla.
"No, there is not enough to sweeten a whole glass."
Nasrudin went to the kitchen, and came back with a saltcellar.
"Good news, friend, I am having my half with salt and there is
enough for the whole glass."
--------------------------
From: Ali Mohajer [ACC_ALI@EXODUS.VALPO.EDU]
Hello All, here's another Nasruddin fable,
The good Mulla was observed sitting in a tree in his yard and sawing the branch
he was sitting on. A neighbor asked what he was doing. Nasruddin replied: "I'm
cutting down the tree; except for this branch: I like the shade it casts."
(Maybe if he was using an ACME saw...)
--------------------------
From: Se Lareow Patricius [PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET]
Here's a Nasrudin tale from "The Schrodinger's Cat Trilogy" by
Robert Anton Wilson
One day, Nasrudin managed to create a magic wand. Wishing to patent
this powerful and valuable device, he waved the wand and a patent office
appeared. As he entered the building, the patent officer said "Can I
help you?" Nasrudin answered "I would like to patent this magic wand
that I have created." The patent officer said "You can't patent a magic
wand! There's no such thing!"
So Nasrudin waved the wand and made the patent office disappear.
--------
The Mulla nearly fell into a pool of water. A passerby saved
him in the nick of time. Every time they met in the future, the
man reminded Nasrudin about how he had prevented him from getting
wet.
Unable to stand it any longer, the Mulla took his friend to
the pool, jumped in as far as the neck, and shouted: "Now I am as
wet as I would have been if I had never met you! Will you leave me
alone?"
--------------------------
From: Len Freedman [lenf@NETCOM.COM]
I really enjoy the Nasrudin stories (keep 'em coming!) They remind
me of ethnic humorous stories from the old country that I heard from my
immigrant grandparents and uncles. Like this one:
In the little Jewish _shtetls_ of Russia, the local rabbi was loved and
respected, considered the wisest man in the community. Once, in a tavern,
three Jews were arguing about whose rabbi was the wisest.
"Once, in our community," one said, "we had a drought that lasted for
months. The crops were dying, even the animals were dying. Our rabbi
went outside and said a prayer and it rained that very day."
"That's nothing," another said. "a few years ago, we had _too_ much
rain and we were afraid our shtetl would float away! Our rabbi said a
prayer and the rain stopped!"
"I can top that," said a third man. "Once our town was overrun by
Cossacks who said they were going to rob every man, rape every woman, and
knock down every house. The rabbi went outside and recited the Sh'ma,
and they all left."
"Isn't your rabbi that funny-looking short fellow with the broken
nose?" the second asked the third.
"Yes, that's him," he replied. "A wonderful rabbi!"
"How did he get the broken nose?"
"One of the Cossacks was a little hard of hearing."
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page