From cate3@netcom.com Thu Mar 9 08:35:52 1995
Subject: Life D.7
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
From: Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 11 Apr 94 12:59:00 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life D.7
The following are selections from the GIGGLES Digest
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----------------------------------------------------
From: "Meretta J. Marks" [meretta@AOL.COM]
A surgeon was operating on a patient when all of a sudden another doctor ran
into the operating room and asked, "May I cut in?"
Postcard to psychiatrist from patient on vacation: "Having a good time.
Why?"
When surgical stitches were first used, the inventor said, "Suture self."
What was the podiatrist's favorite song?
"There's No Business like Toe Business."
A man goes to see his physician. "You've got to help me, Doc," he says. "I
keep seeing talking dogs, talking mice, talking crickets, even talking ducks.
I'm concerned - what should I do?" "Don't worry about it," replies the
doctor. "You're just having Disney spells."
A psychiatrist had two bins on the top of his desk. One was marked OUTGOING;
the other was marked INHIBITED.
Sickness comes in three stages - ill, pill, and bill.
The surgeon was discussing a forthcoming operation with a wealthy patient.
"Would you prefer a local anaesthetic?" he inquired. "I can afford the
best," replied the wealthy patient. "Get something imported."
Plumber on the phone: "Sure - I'll be glad to have a look at your sink, Dr.
Wimble. Bring it in two weeks from Thursday at 3:15".
--------------------------
From: Linda Kaiser [CRALIN@MIZZOU1.BITNET]
I was playing in the back yard one day with my son, who was at the time much
younger (around 2, I think). He noticed a spot in the yard where no grass was
growing and asked, "What's that?" I replied, "Oh, it's just a bare spot." and
certainly thought nothing more about it. A few days later I asked him if he
wanted to play in the yard again and he said "No! That bear might get me!"
--------------------------
From: "MARY E. FISCHER" [fischr@VAXA.WEEG.UIOWA.EDU]
When my daughter was about 3 years old, my husbands brother was married. My
husband was his best man. All the groomsmen (all brothers) were dressed
alike in 1970's white dinner jackets. The music played; the bride came down
the aisle. WHen the groom stepped forward to meet his bride, my daughter
stood up on the pew and shouted, "Daddy."
--------------------------
From: Haz-Mat [LOAC9687@SNYPLAVA.BITNET]
#####################################################################
## [One of the problems with the upgraded NCC1701D Galaxy Class...] ##
## ##
## Riker: O'Brien, beam us up NOW! The Klingons are attacking the ##
## landing party! ##
## ##
## Answer: "You have reached the USS Enterprise. If you need ##
## medical assistance, tap your communicator pin once; if ##
## you need assistance from Security Personnel, tap twice; ##
## if you need to speak to the captain, tap three times... ##
## ##
## [...the new computerized communications system.] ##
#####################################################################
--------------------------
From: Steve Bell [BELL_SW@BRUTUS.VOUGHT.COM]
UPI - 8 August 1993
HIGH COURT STRIKES DOWN NATURE'S FIRST LAW
In a decision sure to cause major controversy for several minutes, the US
Supreme Court struck down the First Law of Nature, judging it to be unlawfully
discriminatory.
Though never actually written down, the First Law of Nature is generally
accepted by the American Bar Association to be, "If an individual or collection
of individuals puts into practice or causes to be put into practice an action
which, measured against the judgment of a reasonable person, is unwise or
lacking in basic common sense, then the aforementioned individual or collection
of individuals shall suffer all consequences resulting from that action, up to
and including loss of life."
Translation: "You do something stupid, you die."
In a ruling handed down yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled that such a law was
too vague and unfairly discriminatory. Justice Rhenquist, author of the
decision, wrote, "The terms 'unwise' and 'basic common sense' are never defined
anywhere, and are left to the interpretation of the presiding judge... [which
could lead] to multiple standards of justice." The court also felt that the
penalty was too vaguely defined and too harsh. Writes Rhenquist, "It is
theoretically possible for an individual to lose his/her life by, for example,
sticking their tongue into a 120-volt outlet. While such an action would
clearly demand explanation from the individual attempting it, it is not Our
[sic] opinion that such an action warrants the penalty of death, particularly
if the outlet in question lacks a label warning of such practice..."
In striking down the First Law, the Court also mandated that steps be taken to
correct the discrimination the law imposed. Affirmative Action has already
drafted a set of standards. Though not final, the suggestions include:
- Requiring employers to hire a set percentage quota of stupid people (most
employers with union contracts already meet the proposed standard),
- Requiring all non-profit organizations receiving public funds (PBS, National
Endowment for the Arts, et al) to spend a set percentage of those funds
promoting stupidity (the NEA, based on recent censorship mandates, already
qualifies),
- Equal time for the views of the stupid on national issues,
- A constitutional amendment banning discrimination based on stupidity, and
- A national TV and press campaign to raise the nation's awareness of the
plight of stupid people (the draft suggests the slogan, "Stupid Is Beautifull
[sic]").
When interviewed, Bill Clinton said, "It's the most significant step forward
this country has taken since Neil Diamond set foot on the moon."
--------------------------
From: Kathleen Thompson [katht@MICROSOFT.COM]
collected anecdotes about Alaskan Airlines, from the Pilots alias. A
strange airline...
---------
yesterday evening i took Alaska Airlines from LA to SeaTac
and it was very funny. Two of their announcements:
"Please make sure you have all your personal belongings when
leaving the aircraft. Everything left will be split evenly
among the crew members."
and
"We sincerely hope you enjoyed your flight with Alaska Airlines
tonight. If for one or the other reason this is not the case
please advise your friends you took Delta flight 620."
I was flying on Alaskan flight 362 from Portland to Chicago once.
As we taxied onto the runway, the pilot came on the intercom:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome you aboard United
flight 824 to San Francisco..."
About 90% of the passengers panicked.
Once on an Alaska flight, the steward announced that the smoking section
was from row 28 to the back of the plane - I was in row 27, which was
the last row....
Once on an Alaskan flight into San Diego the steward announced,
"Please return your seat backs to their original upright and most
uncomfortable positions."
--------------------------
From: Thayne Breetzke [9216189@ML.PETECH.AC.ZA]
Nobody writes fairy tales anymore. You know why? That's because all
the fairy tale writers can make more money writing TV commercials.
--------------------------
From: Ted Hermary [CZTH@MUSICA.MCGILL.CA]
Culled from CANADA-L.
What is a Canadian's favourite colour? Grey.
What is our favourite flower? Wheat.
--------------------------
From: Chris Schnaars [SNARF@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
"Disco is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art."
--------------------------
From: DOC GIRARD [GIRARDBW@SNYPLAVB.BITNET]
Mayor Clifford was riding to work one morning when he noticed something odd.
Along the edge of the highway, a workman was digging a row of holes. But
as soon as he finished digging one hole, another workman would step up and
fill it in again! The mayor had h is driver pull over and sent his aid to
investigate. The aide returned to the car looking relievd: "Nothing out of
the ordinary, sir. They're usually a three-man crew, but the fellow who
plants the trees is out sick today!"
--------------------------
From: EUGENE KATSMAN [KATSMAN@HWS.BITNET]
What's the difference between the Kennedy family and the Iraqi Home Guard.
The Iraqi Home Guard never actually killed anyone.
--------------------------
From: Michael Cottam [Michael_Cottam@BEAV.INTERSOLV.COM]
There's this guy who ALWAYS wanted a cuckoo clock,
but as he's a software developer, and not a software
salesperson, he doesn't make much money and
couldn't really afford one.
He came up with this brilliant idea...thought he could
get one really cheap at the local army surplus store.
Went down, found one, got a good price on it,
took it home. All seemed OK until 10PM that night,
when it went off 2200 times.
--------------------------
From: ANGELINE SANDERS [BO10@UTMARTN.BITNET]
TRUE STORY:
Several years ago my sister worked in a small neighborhood grocery. One
day a tough-looking little kid about 8 years old swaggered into the stor
e and up to her check out counter. "Gimme a sucker," he demanded.
Thinking to remind this child of good manners, she leaned over and qu
oted those famous "Mother words" she used with her own children in such
situations: "And what's the Magic wo-o-rd?" to which the young monster
hatefully replied, "I don't know, lady, I ain't never been in this store
before!"
--------------------------
From: Brad Pardee [bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU]
There is a new display at the art museum. In amongst the paintings and
sculptures is one of those flatbed carts that people use to move
furniture, heavy boxes, etc. This particular cart was imported from
Central America. People asked the museum director what was so artistic
about this cart, and his reply was that this was an original Salvador dolly.
--------------------------
From: Tony Kirchgessner [kirchges@HUH.HARVARD.EDU]
Two elderly gentlemen are sitting on the front porch one afternoon, when
one comments on how his arthritis has been a problem of late. "What
medication do you use?", he asks the other. At this, the fellow thinks
for a bit, then replies, "Oh, my memory is just terrible. Let's see. What's
the name of that flower that grows on a long, thorny stem, and has lots of
red petals and smells so nice?" "A rose?", his companion ventures. "A rose!
That's it!", he says as he turns toward the front door to ask, "HEY ROSE!
What's the name of that arthritis medicine I've been using?!"
--------------------------
From: Thomas Chenier [BSCHENIE@ECUVM1.BITNET]
We cat people are all over the place, so please bear with the onrush
of kitty stories.
My cat Katie was about 1 year old. Her favorite activity in the world
was sitting at the glass patio store and staring out. What was even
better was that the people in the apartment upstairs puts out bird
seed, so there would always be wrens and chickadees and other assorted
small birds outside the door.
When Katie would see these small birds, here tail would start flicking
back and forth and see would start making a "chattering" noise deep
in her throat. It was not difficult seeing her imagine that she was
doing unspeakable things to these poor defenseless critters.
One day Katie was sitting by the door, "chattering" away and completely
content with the world. All of a sudden, a sea gull landed and started
feeding outside the door. Poor Katie -- her eyes became as big as
saucers, and after giving a look of "that bird is big enough to eat
poor defenseless kitties", she took off for the bedroom and hid for the
rest of the morning. I guess my laughing as hard as I was didn't give
her the idea that I was sympathetic to her problem.
--------------------------
From: Chris Brown Witt [wittchri@STUDENT.MSU.EDU]
A towing company in town has the slogan:
"We don't want an arm and a leg, just your tows!"
--------------------------
From: Brad Pardee [bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU]
Obligatory humor: From real-life
My fiancee's last name is Guy, and she and I have had great fun with
it. For example this morning, she said that she has fallen in love with
a wonderful guy, and I said, "Well, so did I."
--------------------------
From: Paul Marquardt [MARPAUB@YALEVM.CIS.YALE.EDU]
"The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the
job." Reagan in 1973
"Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
would have lost." Mort Sahl
"Walter Mondale has all the charisma of a speed bump." Will Durst
--------------------------
From: Ole Olson [GEO1@PSUADMIN.BITNET]
THE TROUBLE WITH LAWYER JOKES IS THAT LAWYERS DON'T THINK THEY'RE
FUNNY AND THE REST OF DON'T THINK THEY'RE JOKES
--------------------------
From: Hamill Katie [hamill_katie@NOCMSMGW.HARVARD.EDU]
Reminds me of a time when I was little, when my brother & I went to the police
station (I forget why... maybe his bike was stolen) and the sign outside said
"WAUWATOSA POLICE EPARTMENT." When I asked one of the cops what happened to
the D, he said, "Someone stole it."
The confidence in police that this experience insipred in me lasts to this day!
--------------------------
From: Brad Pardee [bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU]
This reminds me of the greatest paradox in childhood: when your parents
expect you to sit down and sit up at the same time!
--------------------------
From: J Yew [jayyew@CSC.ALBANY.EDU]
I don't know how well this riddle will work
in written form... but here goes.
Mary's father August, had three daughters...
April, May, and.... ??????
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