From cate3@netcom.com Tue Feb 7 08:35:22 1995
Subject: Life C.T
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
From: "cate3@netcom.com" [Henry_Cate_III@netcom.com]
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 30 Mar 94 17:04:55 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life C.T
The following selections are from the newsgroup rec.humor.funny
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From: bruce.pennypacker@channel1.com (Bruce Pennypacker)
The White Houses recent embarassment regarding cabinet nominations,
specifically dealing with Zoe Baird, Kimba Wood, and most recently, Bobby
Ray Inman, all of whom failed to pay delinquint Social Security taxes until
nominated, has given President Clinton an idea for filling the nations
coffers.
Starting next week the IRS will begin nominating everybody who owes back
taxes to U.S. cabinet posts. If it works then they may even fight
organized crime by offering Senate seats to mafia bosses.
--------------------------
From: cwatters@acorn.co.uk (Colin Watters)
I just got back from a sailing holiday where I remembered this true tale
you might be interested in.
A friend was looking for a second hand boat (a Laser) to buy, when he
hit on a great idea...
At his sailing club (the Queen Mary in London) there was a large trailer
park and a smaller yard where the management put trailers and boats if
the owner didn't pay their membership for 12 months. The Queen Mary club
is very big and at the time there were three or four Lasers in this
yard that judging from their condition hadn't been sailed for at least
a year.
My friend took down the numbers of these boats and asked the club secretary
for the owners address so that he could make them an offer. The first chap
he rang said he wasn't interested in selling as he was going to sail it
himself "one of these days".
He then rang the second owner who lived about 100 miles away. A woman
answered the phone and confirmed that they did still own the Laser. My
friend explained that he had seen it in the defaulters yard and that as it
clearly hadn't been sailed for a year - did she think her husband would be
interested in selling?
"Oh no" she said "there must be some mistake - come rain or shine my husband
spends one weekend a month in London sailing..."
I bet he had some explaining to do when he got home!
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From: wb8foz@netcom.com (David Lesher)
Only in America......
It's Elvis's 59th Birthday, and the airlines, sensing the interest,
has special deals.
Northwest started it. $59 to Memphis.
American called that and raised it -- if you showed up in costume,
$20.00 off.
But it took United to call - If you sang the ALL of Jailhouse Rock
you get a free upgrade to first class.
Plus, the piece de resistance - if the REAL Elvis shows up;
EVERYONE rides for free.
--------------------------
From: roger.firestone@permanet.org (roger firestone)
At a major medical convention a noted internist arises to announce
that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.
"What's it cure?" asks a member of the audience.
"Nothing we don't already have a drug for," the internist
replies.
"Well, what's so miraculous about it?"
"One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my
patients have paid my bill three or four times."
--------------------------
From: derek@netcom.com (Derek LeLash)
It was recently announced that BART (the Bay Area Rapid Transit company)
will be selling stuff like T-shirts, coffee mugs and watches with the BART
logo on them. I'm worried about the watches, though: they're all 5 minutes
slow, and they don't work between midnight and 6 AM.
--------------------------
From: BPennypa@iii-devl.mhs.compuserve.com (Bruce Pennypacker)
This is a true story...
Back in the late 1950's my father, an electrical engineer, was one of three
people doing research at MIT for the space race, primarially focusing on the
computers to be used in the space capsules.
One day a professor that all three engineers knew fairly well stopped by.
The professor (also an engineer) had previously shown only passing interest
in the work that they were doing. This day, however, the professor spent
half an hour with my father asking all sorts of questions about what he was
working on. Afterwards the professor went to the two other engineers and
spent time with each, asking similar detailed questions.
After the professor left, the three got together and discussed this strange
visit. It didn't take them long to realize that the professor was going to
give a lecture on the research they'd been working on, and it took less time
to discover which class this lecture was intended for. Determined to spice
up the lecture, they dropped everything and ran over to the lecture hall
where the class was about to start. They got to the class and sat down in
the back before the professor arrived, determined to ask him all sorts of
questions that he couldn't possibly answer.
When the professor walked in he stopped for an instant after noticing the
three engineers sitting in the back. He walked up to the podium and
immediately began his lecture:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I promised you that today I would bring you all up to
date on the latest developments in our research involving putting a man in
space. Well, I'm pleased to announce that I've done even better than that.
Today I have with me the three engineers who are heading the project, and
they will each be speaking for twenty minutes on their respective areas of
focus."
Luckily my father was called on last, giving him 40 minutes to compose his
lecture...
--------------------------
From: gumby@cygnus.com (D. V. Henkel-Wallace)
This morning on the radio I heard an ad for a "Virtual Reality Show"
(sort of like a boat show) where you could go to try out all sorts of
gizmos VR. Without skipping a beat, the announcer ended his pitch
with:
"Sponsored by Coke -- the Real Thing!"
--------------------------
From: jb8x+@andrew.cmu.edu (Jeffrey David Brown)
Problems with Jehovah's Witnesses, Encyclopedia Salesmen, or The Kid
Next Door? Simply invite them inside, slip out the back door ("Just to
get some sugar from the neighbors"), and go call the police to report
burglars.
[Developed from a comment made by someone here at CMU.]
--------------------------
From: jonathan@cad.ucla.edu (Jonathan Katz)
Rather recently LA has been hit with floods, riots, fires, and
now earthquakes....
I have figured it out.. Somebody is playing Simcity with LA and the
next disaster, therefore, has to be the Hollywood Monster!
--------------------------
From: ted+@pitt.edu (William E Williams)
During the recent cold spell in many parts of the nation, the call
went out to close all non-essential services.
Did anybody notice that the federal and state government offices were
the first to shut down?
--------------------------
From: ajvander@sunnyboy.edaco.ingr.com (Alain van der Heide)
What with the recent string of disasters in California, I think I'm going to
invest in Orkin [pest control company], since the only thing they haven't had
yet is a plague of locusts.
--------------------------
From: stef@netcom.com (Stef Jones)
My father told me this:
Mom was talking with a friend today. They were kidding about all the
disasters that have befallen the country of late.
Mom asked, "Do you think THE END is near, Shirley?"
Shirley said, "Well, I surely wouldn't buy any green bananas."
--------------------------
From: alan@elroy.jpl.nasa.gov (Alan S. Mazer)
A recent AST advertisement claims their engineers are so busy thinking about
work that even their hobbies suffer. Their example is one engineer who
forgot about his radio-controlled airplane while he pondered improvements to
their PC architecture.
Unfortunately, the casual reader, missing the text, sees only a large picture
of a plane in a tree and the logo "Intel Inside".
--------------------------
From: andrewd@sunburn.sli.unimelb.edu.au (Andrew Disseldorp)
[Heard on JJJ FM "Hard Coffee" program 19/1/94]
With the freeways in LA being affected by the earthquake,
the car reliant citizens of LA are really going to have to change their
lifestyles.
I mean walk by shootings just aren't the same.
--------------------------
From: ifcr267@mcl.cc.utexas.edu (Jim Bob Howard)
[This is not original, although I don't remember who told it to me...]
A mama polar bear is out in the stream fishing, while her son is
playing on the bank. After awhile, the baby polar bear comes over to his
mother and says, "Mom, what kind of bear am I?," to which she replys,
"You're polar bear, son." "Okay," he says and returns to the bank to play.
In a little while he comes back over and says, "Mom, *what* kind of
bear am I?" "Why, you're a polar bear, son." "Hmmm...," say the baby, "okay."
And off he goes to play.
A little more time goes by and the baby polar bear comes back and says,
"Mom, are *sure* I'm a polar bear?" "Yes," the mama polar bear replies, "I'm
sure you're a polar bear. Why don't you believe me?"
"'Cause I'm cold!" exclaims the baby bear.
--------------------------
From: bruce.pennypacker@channel1.com (Bruce Pennypacker)
This story was told to me by a friend of a friend. I don't know if it's
true or not, but makes for a great story. This (supposedly) takes place
before radar detectors were as popular as they are today.
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders
along a well traveled stretch of highway. The location, at a bend in the
road, allowed him to hide his car out of sight of oncoming traffic while
setting up his radar to nab any speeders who passed by. He had used this
location successfully a number of times, especially on holidays, and
decided to use it again one Labor Day weekend.
The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up, settling down
to wait for the first speeders to appear. After a half hour or so the
officer hadn't seen anybody speeding. In fact most of the cars that
passed him were travelling exactly at the speed limit, and some of the
passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and waving at him. He
couldn't believe this was happening since his hiding place was so well
concealed.
Finally, after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he was
there, the officer decided that something was wrong and went investigate.
He got out of his car and walked up the road a short distance. About 100
yards before his hiding place the officer found the problem: a 10 year
old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign
which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". A little more investigative work led the
officer to the boys accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the
radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet full of
change.
--------------------------
From: raj@margaux.fc.hp.com (Bob Jewett)
And you didn't think Al Gore was funny.
We all know about Whitewater and the alleged shredding of documents. On
Sunday (3/6) Al responded to an interviewer's question about evidence:
"Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every shred
of evidence they have." ^^^^^
--------------------------
From: hise@iastate.edu (Allan R Hise)
In the August 1993 issue of PS magazine, the Army's preventive
maintenance magazine, I ran across this paragraph on page 9:
"A slipping sear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left
of your unit."
--------------------------
From: harvie@bedford.progress.com (John Harvie)
Overheard recently at a Northwest staff party:
You've probably heard USAir's new slogan "USAir begins with YOU."
Well, ours should be "Northwest begins with NO!"
--------------------------
From: tmorris@scofflaw.convex.com (Terry Morris)
You know those screen savers that divide a display into little
squares, and then endlessly shuffle them about? How about one that makes
each square a Federal Form while a little on-screen Al Gore shuffles them
from place to place? We could call the program "Re-Inventing Government".
Of course we would have to figure out what to do with all those extra little
squares which would mysteriously appear...
--------------------------
From: rvireday@pldote.intel.com (~Vireday)
My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems,
that really points up some of the differences between the sexes.
We were watching CNN's Technology program they have on weekends,
when a segment on Virtual Reality came on.
Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me
and said that Virtual Reality would never catch on with women.
I was puzzled by this, until she explained.
"Every womens first thought on seeing that helmet will be,
'I can't wear that. It will mess up my hair!'"
--------------------------
From: psrc@pegasus.att.com (Paul S R Chisholm)
(This is an original joke by Sean O'Connell, sean@hacks.arizona.edu;
it was originally posted in alt.tv.babylon-5. I'm submitting it on his
behalf and with his permission.)
J. Michael Straczynski, the creator of the TV series BABYLON 5, was
discussing computer generated graphics. He's just seen images of a
computer generated *character* (an alien) that will appear in an
episode.
Joe mentioned an attempt to replace the words "actor" and "actress"
with the word "actron"; this didn't catch on, but perhaps it could be
used for computer generated act-nonpersons?
Sean suggested they should instead be called "bit-players".
--------------------------
From: daugher@cs.tamu.edu (Walter Daugherity)
Every semester there are some students who look for old tests for a given
class or professor, either to enhance their learning (Pollyanna view) or to
memorize mindlessly to get an undeservedly higher grade (cynical view).
Today a student posted the following to a local news group:
|] If anyone has old tests for [course number] I'm willing to take them
|] of your hands. In particular I'm looking for tests from Mr. [instructor's
|] first name]. I've got a range of old tests myself if anyone wants to trade.
|]
|] [lists courses and professors]
|]
|] Please respond to [student's e-mail address].
|]
The instructor posted the following reply:
|] I have quite a few of the old tests. You should be advised that oft times
|] the questions stay the same, but the answers are changed.
|] Plus some faculty actually read news groups.
|] See ya.
--------------------------
From: garrett@cs.unc.edu (Bill Garrett)
[Heard through friends:]
Rumor has it that the state of California, which recently enacted a
"Three Strikes" crime bill (three felonies and you're jailed for life),
was considering the following amendment:
Three strikes and you're out, unless the judge drops the
gavel on the third strike and you can run out of the
courtroom before the bailiff grabs you.
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