Return-Path: [cate3@netcom.com]
Received: from netcom13.netcom.com by piccolo.cco.caltech.edu with ESMTP
(8.6.7/DEI:4.41) id PAA02523; Tue, 6 Dec 1994 15:16:28 -0800
Received: by netcom13.netcom.com (8.6.9/Netcom)
id KAA22568; Tue, 6 Dec 1994 10:38:47 -0800
Date: Tue, 6 Dec 1994 10:38:47 -0800
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199412061838.KAA22568@netcom13.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life C.H
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 17 Feb 94 10:17:11 PST (Thursday)
Subject: Life C.H
The following are from random places
----------------------------------------------------
From: fritz@unr.edu (Fritz Grupe)
Quotations:
Wisdom is the booby prize
Given when you've been unwise. Piet Hein
Advice on pitching -- Thrown the ball as far away from the bat
and as close to the plate as possible Casey Stengel
Organizational principles are like football plays: They work
without fail as long as there is no opposition. Chris Argyris
A common strategm of those who wish to escape the swirling
currents of change is to stand on high moral ground.
John W. Gardner
What does it take to become the heavyweight champion?
"Fight one more round." James J. Corbett
In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sociology: The study of people who do not need to be studied by
people who do. Anon
Make three guesses consecutively and you will establish a
reputation as an expert. L. J. Peter
The most inert material I have found in my scientific
explorations is the human mind with one exception: a group of
human minds. Edward Teller
Mrs. Albert Einstein was asked if she understood the theory of
relativity. "No," she answered, "but I know my husband and I
know he can be trusted!"
A weaponless Polish soldier found his way into Russian territory.
Confronted by a wolf, he tried in vain to arm himself by pulling
a stick from the frozen ground. "What kind of stupid country is
this," he said. "Instead of tying up the dogs, they tie down the
sticks."
Supreme Court Justice Hugo Black was at a funeral for another
justice who he truly disliked. A friend arrived late asked,
"Is the service over." Black responded, "They just opened the
defence."
----------------------------------------------------
From: djor!rubin@apple.com (Owen Rubin account)
For future quotes of the day, this was heard on the radio this morning.
A commercial for a home equity loan says:
"Why pay more for a home equity loan? Prudential Prime has the answer!"
I guess it is comforting, in a way, to know that when Prudential charges you
more, at least you will know why!
----------------------------------------------------
From: gurgle@netcom.com (Pete Gontier)
"Bedrock does support a form of drag and drop. Development dragged on
for about 2 years, and then was dropped." -- Brian Clark
----------------------------------------------------
From: MASCHLER@vms.huji.ac.il
A Pole, a Russian, an American and an Israeli were approached by a journalist
who said to them:
"Excuse me, I would like to have your opinion on the shortage of meat."
Now, none of them really understood him.
The Pole asked: "What is meat?"
The Russian asked: "What is opinion?"
The American asked: "What is shortage?"
The Israeli asked: "What is `excuse me'?"
----------------------------------------------------
From: Matthias Dominick:MCHP08:SNI-DS
This takes place, when there was the wall between East and West Germany.
A car is driving from the East part of Germany to West-Germany and is waiting at the boarder on the East side. So the police man comes to the car and says to the driver:
Police: "Congratulations. You are the 1,000,000 car driving from East to West. You won $1000. What you gonna do with that money ?"
Driver: "That's great, I'm gonna make my driver's license."
His wife (co-driver): "Don't believe any word. He always says stupid things when he is drunk."
Grandpa (from the backseat, who is having hear-problem): "Didn't I tell you, that they will catch us with that stolen car."
Suddenly the trunk is opening and somebody asks: "Are we already in West-Germany".
----------------------------------------------------
From: Malcolm Crystal [mcrystal@liberty.uc.wlu.edu]
A rabbit walks into a men's store, and the clerk says, "May I help you?"
"Yes. I've just graduated from medical school, and I need a new
suit as is befitting my new profession." The clerk asks,
"Congratulations. Just what branch of medicine are you in?" The rabbit
answers, "I'm in anesthesiology." the clerk: "I'm sorry, what's that?"
"Well," says the rabbit, "you can just call me the ether bunny."
----------------------------------------------------
From: Timo Talasmaa [timo@mdata.fi]
Bill Clinton asks God how long it will take to resolve his country's problems.
God says 10 years.
Bill Clinton begins to cry, saying he'll be out of office by then.
John Majors asks God how long it will take to resolve his country's problems.
God says 30 years.
John Majors begins to cry, saying he'll be dead by then.
Boris Yeltsin asks God how long it will take to resolve his country's problems.
God begins to cry . . .
----------------------------------------------------
From: Linda White [snowhite@eskimo.com]
Feeny: Do you ever worry your boss will replace you with a computer?
Sweeny: Nah. Where's he going to find a computer that grovels?
----------------------------------------------------
From: Miles O'Neal [meo@pencom.com]
TOP TEN SLOGANS FOR IBM
#10 - Not so Big; Not so Blue; Still IBM
#9 - Hey, Remember Us?
#8 - At IBM, We waste more talent than most companies ever have!
#7 - We're IBM and you'd never have talked that way about us 10 years ago.
#6 - IBM: Bringing yesterday's technology to today's economy.
#5 - Don't kid yourself; we invented ALL the buzz words!
#4 - When our stock is overvalued; we do something about it!
#3 - Well, we never actually said we knew what we were doing.
#2 - Honk if you bought a PCjr!
And the number one slogan for the new IBM:
#1 - IBM: Laying off Thousands and Passing the Savings on to You!
----------------------------------------------------
From: spectre@uiuc.edu (Ian Chai)
I just came across this today from the newswires. To avoid copyright
problems, I'm retelling it in my own words. (Since only the article is
copyrighted, while the information is not, this should do it.)
AP reports (2/14/94) that in Ballston, NY, (20 miles north of Albany)
MasterCard has given an 8-year-old Brittany spaniel, Ginger Calvert, a
TEN GRAND credit limit card! (Yow, that's more than they gave *this*
poor grad student!) Her owner, Harold Calvert, takes her shopping and
she buys "the best dog food credit can buy with the card."
"I pay the bills. They're not being cheated out of a penny. But I'm
having helluva lot of fun," said Harold.
Ginger's good credit came about when Harold decided to see how easy it
would be for a dog to get a credit card after MC stressed how careful
they were on who they gave cards to. So Harold began sending in coupons
and manufacturer's warrantees with Ginger's name on it. Pretty soon,
she was on all sorts of mailing lists and getting calls from telephone
solicitors and magazines and newspapers... and finally, credit card
offers.
The application that got Ginger her card wasn't even signed... but
when they go shopping, Ginger puts her paw pprint on the dotted line!
She carries her card around her neck with a fishing line.
"MasterCard officials were unavailable for comment Sunday," the Times
Union of Albany (the newspaper that broke the story) reported.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Leigh Smith:XSIS
Excerpted from: TidBITS #190/23-Aug-93
------------------------------------
Your Customer Could be a Space Alien
------------------------------------
by Tonya Engst, TidBITS editor
This article, a deliberate takeoff of urban legend article, "Your
Co-worker Could be a Space Alien," goes out with a grin to people
who do telephone technical support.
Many callers are actually space aliens who sound human, but you
can expose these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts.
Odd or mismatched software and hardware.
Aliens might run "MacWriter on their Apple Microsoft," or use
"PerfectWord on a Claris 610."
Strange or unusual software habits.
An alien might not understand the hierarchical filing system, so
she might put all her files and applications in the same folder.
Aliens can also exhibit paranoia, so an alien may worry that if he
throws out one document, all other documents will disappear.
Perhaps this occurs in different solar systems.
Bizarre sense of humor.
Aliens often exhibit inappropriate senses of humor. For instance,
an alien may burst out laughing in the middle of a serious
discussion about the difference between clicking and dragging.
Puts you on hold frequently.
Aliens have trouble with human language and often must put you on
hold to consult references in order to figure out what you are saying.
Keeps a written or recorded diary.
Aliens worry that they won't retain every subtlety of the
conversation and feel more comfortable recording it.
Misuses everyday items.
Aliens have trouble with human-based objects, so an alien would be
more likely to use a mouse upside down. Aliens having Pivot
monitors are constantly pivoting them. Scientists speculate that
they are trying to align their monitors with a distant magnetic
wave system, but tests have been inconclusive.
Constant questions about customs.
Aliens want to know why thing happen as they do, so they may
interrupt every suggestion you make to ask why or to suggest
another way of doing it. Don't be put off by this behavior, aliens
can't help it.
Secretive about personal life-style and home.
Aliens don't like to give anything away for fear of blowing their
cover. If a caller has a great deal of difficulty telling you,
say, the names of the fields used in a print merge, and then
finally tells you the information is classified, you are probably
assisting a space alien. Another tip-off is aliens that cannot
reveal the names of their hard drives.
Frequently talks to himself.
The alien may be rehearsing or practicing what he will say next.
Displays a change of mood when near certain high-tech hardware.
An alien may become nervous or hyperventilate when near computer
hardware. Aliens also become unobservant and have trouble reading
labels. If a customer cannot identify the name of the computer,
and the name is affixed to the front of the computer, you may have
a space alien on your hands.
Experts point out that a caller would have to display most if not
all of these traits before you can positively identify her as an
alien.
----------------------------------------------------
From: jjsterrejjsterre@acs.ucalgary.ca [James Sterrett]
Jokes from Kiev:
These are in no particular order, but simply some of the ones I remember.
The notebook in which I collected them is unfortunately about 2000 miles
away at the moment, in Pennsylvania.
Gorbachev was most unpopular while I was in Kiev (1989-1990 academic
year). As a result, quite a few jokes on him came out.....
1)
Gorby Goes To Kiev, Take I
Gorbachev goes to Kiev. When he arrives, and is taken on a procession
down the Khreshatik (Kiev's main street), he finds that the honor guard
and party members are there, but none of "the people" - the everyday
people - are there. This disturbs him.
He asks Kuchma, the General Secretary for Ukraine, where the people are.
Kuchma doesn't know. Gorbachev, now very curious, has the car stopped,
gets out, and asks one of the soldiers lining the road where the
people are. The soldier doesn't know either. Gorby orders the soldier
to fire a shot into the air, to see if there's any result.
BABANG! High up in a building (no more than c. 6-10 stories when I
was there) a window opens.
"Have you found vodka?" a voice calls down.
"No, just Gorbachev." the soldier answers.
"Oh." the voice responds, and the window slams shut.
Gorby is nonplussed, and tells the soldier, "Shoot again."
BABANG! High up in the same building, the same window opens.
"Have you found vodka?" the voice inquires again.
"No, just Gorbachev."
After a short, slightly stunned silence, the voice replies,
"You didn't kill him the first time?"
2)
Gorby Goes To Kiev, Take II
Gorby goes to Kiev, and when he gets there, he finds it utterly deserted.
Wandering around, he hears a telephone ringing. He picks it up, and
on the line is Shevardnadze (then the Foreign Minister of the USSR.)
"Where is everybody?" Gorby enquires.
"Well, while you were on the way down, we opened the borders."
"So everybody's gone except you and me?"
"What do you mean 'you and me'? I'm calling from Canada!"
3)
Raisa and Gorby
Even more detested than Gorby was Raisa Gorbachev, because she used
her position to acquire good clothes (in part to show off to the West
that Soviets could look elegant) and thereby made people quite
jealous. She was known informally by the derisive nickname "Raika".
Several jokes made the rounds, all pretty much like this one:
Gorbachev goes to Minsk in order to visit a factory. Tragically,
Raika falls ill with the flu and can't attend the visit. Gorby
goes nonetheless, and finds that none of the factory workers will
pay any attention to him. Finally, he accosts one, and says,
"I'm Mikhail Gorbachev. Is there anything you need to talk about?"
The worker responds, "I'm so sorry, Comrade General Secretary!
I didn't recognize you without your wife."
4)
National Pride....
While I was in Kiev, the Ukrainian Nationalist movement picked up steam,
from a fringe group to a major force demanding secession from the USSR.
Given attempts over the years to suppress the Ukranian language and
culture, there was a certain amount of bitterness towards both Russians
and Russian's slanted understanding of their own history.
The first of these requires a quick history background:
Kiev, founded in the 500's AD by Viking traders as a base on the water
route to Byzantium, soon grew into one of the most powerful cities in
Christendom and the center of Slavic culture. This ended in the 1100's,
when the Mongol Horde stormed Kiev and left it in ruins. The centers
of Slavic culture thus wound up further north thereafter, around
Novgorod and Moscow. Once the dust settled and the Russian empire had firm
control of both Russia and Ukraine, in the 1700's, the previous ethnic
group had developed into three closely related groups: Russians, Ukranians,
and Belorussians. Russians sometimes seem to forget that the groups
are so closely related, and that the location of the original group
was well south of Moscow.
Supposeddly, the following story is true:
A tour guide is leading a group of Russians around Kiev. She tells
them that "Kiev is known as the mother of all the Russias because of
its important place in Russian history."
A Russian tourist, confused, raises his hand and asks,
"When did the Ukranians conquer Kiev?"
5)
National Pride, Take III
In the 1930's (when Stalin's terror was at its height, and literally
millions of Ukrainian peasants were starving), a Ukrainian gets
hauled up before a commissar.
"If you had only one bullet, and you saw a Russian and a German, which
one would you shoot?
The peasant responds immediately and proudly, "I'd shoot the Russian."
He is sent off to a labor camp for ten years. By some miracle, he
survives, and is asked the question again; again he chooses to
shoot the Russian first, and is sent back to a labor camp for another
ten years. Again, he survives to get interviewed again - and he's become
a bit cleverer now:
"If you saw a Russian and a German, which one would you shoot?
"Comrade Commissar, which one would you shoot?"
The commissar proudly and quickly answers, "The German, of course."
"Then I'll shoot the other one."
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page