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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199411221429.GAA05387@netcom7.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life C.E
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 9 Feb 94 15:27:35 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life C.E
Small chunks from:
Miles O'Neal [meo@pencom.com]
Andrew Houston:wgc-e:rx
[Ian Chai] chai@cs.uiuc:edu
----------------------------------------------------
The following is from: Miles O'Neal [meo@pencom.com]
--------------------------
From: Claude W. Anderson [anderson@shylock.cs.rose-hulman.edu]
Since my last two attempts at getting something into rec.humor.funny were
successful, I decided to try again today. Since any joke submitted there
has a low probability of making it, I thought I'd inflict them on you
now (while they are still timely).
------
Subject: (Original) Are there any infinite loops in this one?
Bill Clinton announced his plan to re-invent government yesterday.
How will he accomplish this?
It's simple -- He'll use his new Al Gore ithm.
------
Subject: Government: Exploring NEU TERritory (original)
The major headline on the front page of the September 7 USA Today was
Clinton Goal: Fix Government
It occurred to me that they chose just the right verb.
When one has a cat whose excursions are interfering with the peace of the
neighborhood and producing unwanted results, one usually gets the animal
"fixed".
--------------------------
This needs to be "From one of our correspondents"...
[This note meets all Corporate Political Correctness Guidelines]
This appeared late one night after our President/CEO had kitchen
duty (truly, we are an equal opportunity employer).
------------
Hi y'all,
This is the 'short guide to cleaning out the dishwasher after someone
puts sink soap in it (instead of dishwasher soap)':
1) Get the thing to drain. From empirical evidence, this may be anywhere
from 100 to 1000 times (depending on how much soap was used).
2) Pour in clean water after every drain.
3) Don't let the sprayer bar churn up any extra foam.
4) Get [name removed] to help. [gender removed] is a miracle worker in the
'dishwasher repair field'.
Of course, preventive maintenance is best, so a standard 3 day course on
dishwasher care and use should be provided to all upper management personnel.
Live long and prosper,
The Phantom
------------
The excuse? "Well, I never do this at home."
The best part is, this is the second time *this year* this person
has done this, and been told off in public!
--------------------------
A while back, Tom Van Vlec said...
Multics - Iliad
UNIX - Aeneid
OS/360 - Internal revenue code
MSDOS - Gilligan's Island
Mac OS - Cheers
Windows - Married With Children
Not only is this so derogatory to Gilligan's Island
that the verdict in the resultant slander case will
probably be carried out by a Scott Dorsey surplus
Chinese sniper rifle, it's just plain wrong.
MSDOS is clearly more like Days of Our Lives, or any
of the other mindless, pointless, dreary soap operas
which seem to go on eternally, their very existence
a sad commentary on the miserable state of millions
of human beings. Their continuance is predicated on
ignorance and antisocial behavior among voluntarily
braindead morons with the conscience and mental
capacity (nevermind the effect of) the brown recluse
spider. Nevertheless, those millions of miserable
wretches, whose lives are so consumed by this vile
cancer, refuse to give it up.
----------------------------------------------------
The following is from Andrew Houston:wgc-e:rx
--------------------------
A gardener calls a spade - A spade.
A builder calls a spade - A shovel.
A lawyer calls a spade - A one person manually operated agricultural instrument whose purpose is but not solely to excavate trenches ditches & foundations and to undertake other such earth spoil or soil removal applications under the operation of said manual worker or workers who may, from time to time be empowered so to act whilst under the direction of a supervisor or supervisors in order to most cost and time effectively complete the said task or tasks at hand - or under foot.
NB.
This in no way implies any responsibility on my present client or clients for the correct operation of said article herein afterwards referred to as THE SPADE whether caused directly or indirectly by any negligent act on the part of my client or clients howsoever caused.
E&OE
--------------------------
A True Story from Michael Bentine, a famous English comedian, in an 'autobiographical journey' on BBC Radio. Michael was in RAF Intelligence during WWII.
During the war, one of Michael's friends was transferred to camouflage duties in the RAF. His first task was to build, with the help of a 'regiment of squadies', an exact replica of an RAF Airfield between the enemy and the real airfield "somewhere in Britain". Objective:- To fool the Germans into bombing the replica instead of the original.
Armed with shovels, rakes and other implements of construction and using copious amounts of wood, cardboard and string he finally finishes the task.
The replica looks, to all intents and purposes, like a fully operational RAF Airfield complete with hangers, HQ buildings, runways and aircraft. All made from 'ersatz materials'.
Two days after the replica is completed, a 'lone raider' (an Me108 single seater fighter) flies across the channel, hops over the cliffs at Dover and, flying low over Kent, finally bombs the replica - - - - with a wooden bomb.
--------------------------
In a bid to cut costs and still offer a luxury flight, the newly formed Botswanian Airways Co invested heavily in the latest, 'state of the art', computer controlled, fly by wire Aircraft. On it's first flight, the following message is played to passengers shortly after takeoff.
"Welcome to Botswanian Airways Flight B337A. This plane features the latest in automatic pilots, instrument landing systems and robot controlled in-flight service. For your comfort and safety, all routine activities, previously carried out by humans, have now been automated. Since this is now a fully automatic flight nothing can go wrong - - can go wrong - - can go wrong - -"
--------------------------
"This is air-traffic control West Drayton calling all aircraft. The following is a local time check."
"For BA flight zero niner twoer; the time is 13:30 hours precisely"
"For JAL flight ni-ju-ichi; Ichi-ji han desu."
"For PanAm flight seven-oh-nine; it's half after one."
"For Irish Airways' green plane; the big hand is on 6 and the little hand - - - "
--------------------------
Yet Another True Story from Michael Bentine, a famous English comedian, in an 'autobiographical journey' on BBC Radio. Michael was in RAF Intelligence during WWII.
Seems there was an RAF Officer who had the dubious record of being the only person ever to have been shot down whilst flying a Link Trainer.
For those who don't know, a Link Trainer, was a very early form of 'Flight Simulator' consisting of a small wooden 'aircraft' and associated mechanical computer used to train WWII pilots in instrument flying. The whole being firmly bolted to the floor of a hut.
The circumstances of the 'shooting down' were as follows:-
Whilst the RAF officer was seated in the Link Trainer, the blackout curtains of the hut were not properly closed. A small shaft of light shone across the airfield. A German night fighter, seeking 'targets of opportunity' homed in on the light and commenced to strafe the 'field and hut with 50mm cannon shells. One of these hit the link trainer and, in fact, succeeded in removing a portion of the hapless RAF officer's face. Luckily he survived and was subsequently posted several times.
On each new posting, being asked and giving his name, he was regaled with the retort, "Oh you're the silly - - - (rank) that managed to get shot down in a Link Trainer"
--------------------------
Q: How many British National Health Service Employees does it take - - -
A: 6.
Note: This is not a joke but a fact. The result of a recent Government Survey into NHS efficiency showed that there were 6 persons involved in the process and up to 18 'interfaces' needed before the mission could be accomplished.
----------------------------------------------------
The following is from: [Ian Chai] chai@cs.uiuc:edu
--------------------------
I just read in UPI that an audit commission has found that it actually
takes six (British) National Health Service employees to change a
hospital lightbulb!
It's true! The Daily Mail reported that it's a "sick joke" of a process
for each lightbulb requires 17 separate administrative procedures, from
ordering bulbs to a worker reporting a burnt-out lamp to the recording
of the fact that a new bulb is in place and working.
The audit commission was looking into ways of reducing NHS costs by
reducing time wasted by employees on administrative nonsense, so that
more of the limited supply of pounds could be used for actual patient
care.
--------------------------
I had told this joke:
- Witness: Well, I think...
- Lawyer: Don't think, just tell us what you saw.
- Witness: I'm sorry, I'm not a lawyer, I can't speak without thinking.
One of my conservative friends replied:
- This reminds of something I read in Charles Colson's new book: A Dance
- With Deception. He was discussing the lawsuits brought by the ACLU to
- bar nativity scenes on public property.
-
- It went something like this:
-
- The reason the ACLU is so jealous of manger scenes is that they don't
- have three wise men and a virgin in their organization.
--------------------------
I read in a religious mailing list:
=======
] I've said for a long time that we ought to quietly change the namess
] of teams like braves, indians and redskins to names like pilgrims, puritans
] and calvinists. Let those who understand honor be honored; let those who
] view such names as a dishonor slink quietly away. Who cares. There are
] real problems in the world today without manufacturing petty ones.
GOOD IDEA! As long as it doesn't foster too much competition between the
different groups. I can see it now: The Calvinists womped up on the
Arminians 10-2 in last nights game. It must have been foreordained!
=======
For those of you who don't know, Calvinists believe that everything is
predestined while Arminians believe in free will.
--------------------------
I read this on CONCHR-L in the middle of a long message:
...And in Wisconsin we have four distinct seasons --
fall, winter, spring, and construction.
- Russ Neumeier [russn@SSEC.WISC.EDU]
--------------------------
What did St. John say to his brother St. James when he came back from
the empty tomb on Jesus resurrection day?
"He's alive, Jim."
--------------------------
One must first know that traditionally a Japanese bus has carried not
only a driver but one or more young girls who stand in the aisles
and sell tickets, announce stops, and in general console the
passengers for the inadequacies and discomforts of this transient
world.
--- Roy Andrew Miller, _The Japanese Language_, p. 251
--------------------------
Q: How much nit could a nit pick pick if a nit pick could pick nits?
A: That's how *many* nits!
--------------------------
NEW USE FOR RAW BACON: Bacon may not be the healthiest food to
eat, but it works wonders to get insect larvae and maggots out
from under the skin. Massachusetts General Hospital doctors
report in the Journal of the American Medical Association that
two strips of raw bacon placed on top of larvae or maggot-caused
lesions will draw the tiny bugs out. While such infestations are
uncommon in the United States, some insects in Latin America and
Africa like to grow just beneath human skin. Dr. Timothy Brewer
says the usual surgery for the problem is unnecessary. Bacon on
top of the lesions forces the insects to come up for air - poking
their heads out enough so that they can be plucked out. ``Bacon
and surgeons probably cost about the same per pound, but you need
a quarter pound of bacon (compared to) 150 to 170 pounds of
surgeon'' to take care of the insects, he said.
--------------------------
Remember that old story about the computer programmer who was found
dead in the shower with a bottle of shampoo that said: "Directions:
Wet hair. Shampoo. Rinse. Repeat." ? Well, it looks like "Pert Plus
Shampoo Plus Conditioner" has taken precautions to prevent that from
happening again. The directions say, "Wet hair and lather. Rinse
thoroughly. Repeat if desired." Note the new conditional branching! 8-)
^^^^^^^^^^
--------------------------
I just got a phone call:
He: Hello, Mr. Chai. I'm calling to let you know that you've been
selected to win a holiday for two, congratulations. Now just a few
small questions. Do you own or rent your home?
Me: Rent.
He: Ah... well, sorry, but we are doing homeowners right now and will
call you back about renters at an earlier time. Thank you. [click]
At an *earlier* time??? So, aside from swindling homeowners, they also
have a time machine, eh?
--------------------------
]From: Randy Baker [RBAKER@GC1.GEORCOLL.ON.CA]
Phsycic: Do you have an appointment sir?
Sir: You mean you weren't expecting me?
--------------------------
I just got a letter in the mail today (1/3/94). The envelope looks like
this:
+----------------------------------------------------------------+
| vvvvvv |
| ] Bulk [ |
| ] Rate [ |
| ] USA. [ |
| ^^^^^^ |
| |
| PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL |
| |
| |
| |
| **** CAR-RT SORT ** CR09 |
| Fred Smith |
| Or Current Resident |
| 123 E. Jalan Street # 9 |
| Urbana, IL 61801-9325 |
| MEMBERSHIP CARD ENCLOSED |
| |
+----------------------------------------------------------------+
"Fred Smith" (the previous occupant) was crossed out (I assume by the
postal carrier) to indicate it's going to "Current Resident" (me)...
It's the "PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL" part that had me ROTFL 8-)
Ian
P.S. The name and address have been changed to protect "Fred's"
anonymity.
--------------------------
Tom Deahl told me this one:
Q: Who was the least pleased to hear of the return of the prodigal son?
A: The fatted calf.
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