Return-Path: [cate3@netcom.com]
Received: from netcom16.netcom.com by piccolo.cco.caltech.edu with ESMTP
(8.6.7/DEI:4.41) id HAA02601; Tue, 15 Nov 1994 07:25:10 -0800
Received: by netcom16.netcom.com (8.6.9/Netcom)
id GAA08971; Tue, 15 Nov 1994 06:36:50 -0800
Date: Tue, 15 Nov 1994 06:36:50 -0800
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199411151436.GAA08971@netcom16.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life C.C
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 7 Feb 94 15:21:21 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life C.C
The following are selections from the GIGGLES Digest
To subscribe send a message to: LISTSERV@vtvm1.cc.vt.edu
with the body of text: "Sub GIGGLES [Your Name]"
----------------------------------------------------
From: Richard Hudson [rhudson@SYSTEMA.WESTARK.EDU]
The first- and second-string quarterbacks were out of the game
with injuries. Only seconds were left and the team was behind by 4
points. The coach had no choice but to go with big, dumb Clarence in the
QB slot. In the closing seconds of the game, Clarence called the perfect
play and, lo and behold, the game was won! The shocked and delighted
coach ran to Clarence and asked, "How did you know to call that play?"
Clarence explained, "Coach, I just looked up that big lineman,
No. 67. I added 6+7 and got 14, so I called play No. 14!"
"You dummy," the coach exclaimed, 6+7 is not 14!"
"Gosh, coach," Clarence said, "if I was as smart as you, we'd have
lost that ballgame!"
--------------------------
From: 01mrlambert@LEO.BSUVC.BSU.EDU
Q: Was Lassie a boy or a girl?
A: (It doesn't really matter, but for the sake of the joke)
Lassie was a boy, everyone knows that!
Response: If Lassie were a boy, how did they get him into
that little dog suit?
--------------------------
From: Charles Pecheur [pecheur@MONTEFIORE.ULG.AC.BE]
The son of the President of the Republic of [Ethny] is in a European
country to obtain a university diploma. However he doesn't work much and
fails year after year. Since the country in question has critical
diplomatic relations to maintain with [Ethny], the government feels very
embarrassed by these repeated failures and puts a commission in charge of
finding a solution.
After numerous meetings, the commission decides to award some diploma to
the President's son by special government decision. The discussion then
focuses on the title: making him doctor in medicine would be immoral,
making him engineer could be dangerous. They finally agree upon a Master
Degree in Orchestra Leading.
A small ceremony is therefore organized, with some academic and
governmental authorities, during which the diploma is officially delivered.
The government also offers a special prize: two music instruments to be
chosen in a famous music shop. The President's son is thus brought to the
shop, where he is received by the shop owner. The latter has of course been
warned of the importance of his visitor and the nature of the prize. He
welcomes him with much etiquette and invites him to make his choice.
- Well, I will first take that red saxophone hanging on the wall.
- You mean the... (discrete but autoritary gesture of an official
representative) The red saxophone, certainly your Excellence.
- And... The white accordion, over there, below the window.
- The... But... (new gesture) And the white accordion, they're both yours,
your Excellence.
- And I want to take them away immediately.
- Your Excellence, I am afraid this will not be possible...
The official representative, visibly upset:
- Why the hell would this not be possible ?
- Well, he may take the extinguisher away today, but he will have to wait
at least for tomorrow till the radiator is disconnected !
--------------------------
From: Charles Pecheur [pecheur@MONTEFIORE.ULG.AC.BE]
This one was heard on the radio, in a (humorous) presentation of musical
instruments for children by Philippe Geluck (a Belgian humorist). I don't
remember the exact words, but it was something like this:
"...In percussion instruments, the sound is produced by striking an object
with another object. For example, when you strike a violin with a
saxophone, you are playing a percussion instrument."
--------------------------
From: Charles Pecheur [pecheur@MONTEFIORE.ULG.AC.BE]
Those anecdotes remind me of a famous encounter.
I had just connected my brand new Atari to the home TV set (yes, this was
in the good old days). Everyone was glaring at the empty screen with the
"READY" prompt written in fat white letters on a blue background. There was
some excitement in the air.
While passing by, our domestic help stopped to take a look at the new
"beast". After a few seconds of silent comtemplation, she had those
unforgettable words:
"What a nice blue !"
I had expected many naive questions or banalities, but that one really took
me by surprise.
--------------------------
From: "Pat E. Perez" [PATEP@CCIT.ARIZONA.EDU]
]From the National Boards - Part I (Exam required by 2nd yr med.students)
Question 1. A man wants toast for breakfast.
a. He has a .3 percent chance of fatal electric shock if the toaster
he uses was built before the 1972 Uniform toaster Standards
(epidemiology).
b. His risk of botulism is significantly greater should he choose
canned strawberry jam instead of bottled elderberry, because bottled
elderberry is more acidic (microbiology).
c. His risk of divorce in the next decade is significantly greater
should his wife not habitually join him for breakfast, according to the
1920 landmark study by dr. j. kay (psychiatry).
d. The median age of death for unmarried males in afghanistan is 38
(left-field).
Answer in the following format :
1. a and c are true
2. b and d are true.
3. a,b, and c are true.
4. d is true
5. All are true.
6. You are panicking because you have 350 more questions to answer in
this session, and it just took you five minutes to read the first
question.
7. You are wondering just exactly what you were doing for the last two
years, because nothing you know seems to be on this exam.
--------------------------
From: Chris Schnaars [SNARF@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
Here's a good, clean joke I heard recently:
There's a man trying to cross the street. But when he steps off the curb
a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The
man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes
lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back,
but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the
car is so close and the man so scared that he just stops in the middle
of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible
moment and stops next to the man. The driver rolls down the window. It's
a squirrel. He says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks."
--------------------------
From: EDWARDRC@CTRVAX.VANDERBILT.EDU
I have been on the list for awhile now, but this is my first time putting a
joke on.
One day two young boys are walking by a church graveyard and they notice a
walnut tree growing on the inside of the cemetary fence. Well, they decide
they are hungry, so they hop the fence, climb the fence and start dividing out
the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,", and so on.
Well about this time the minister of the church happens to walk by the
cemetary. He just as happy as can be walking along, until he hears two voies
from the cemetary.. "One for you, one for me, one for you one for me..."
The minister gets scared and run to talk to another minister friend about his
frightening experience.
Now the boys have no clue that they have been heard, and they just continue
dividing out nuts.... "one for you, one for me" But then they accidently drop
two walnuts that happen to roll down to rest by the fence. The first boy says
"We'll just get them later.", and the keep counting.
Well, when the minister finally arrives at his friend's house, he is out of
breath and scared as can be. His friend answers the door and says. "Why Bob,
Whats wrong with you?"
Bob the scared minister manages to catch his breath and says, "Well, Fred, I was
walking by the graveyard fence and I swear I heard God and Satan dividing out
souls!"
Well, Fred just had to go check this out for himself, so the two ministers
go back to the graveyard fence. And as they arrive the boys are just about done,
so the two ministers, hiding behind the fence arrive just in time to hear this:
"One for you, and one for me! Well that just about does it! Now lets go get
those two nuts by the fence!"
The two ministers have a heart attack on the spot.
--------------------------
From: Steve Rafferty [E7L8RAF@TOWSONVX.BITNET]
Some time ago, I lived in a small town in NW New Jersey. The local
paper carried the demise of the Peoples' Express Airline -- after that bout
of the continuing airline wars -- under the headline:
PEOPLE SQUEEZED FROM SKY!
--------------------------
From: "Joel W./Mirjam D." [yoel@BRACHOT.JCT.AC.IL]
The following is from the 11 January 1994 issue of the Jerusalem Post:
"Some anonymous wit has been faxing journalists the following advertisement:
"FOR SALE: State, in excellent condition, model 1948. Defective
steering, pulls to the left. For details, please contact the Government
of Israel, and ask for Yitzhak or Shimon. 02-705555.
"The phone number is that if the Prime Minister's Office in Jerusalem."
--------------------------
From: Joe Howard [JRHOWARD@GENVAX.GLAMORGAN.AC.UK]
"An IBM salesman & an Archbishop die on the same day and arrive together at
the gates of heaven. St Peter appears and personally greets the IBMer.
He shows him his special place on a comfortable cloud, his personal angel
and is invited to dine with the saints that evening. Next the Archbishop is
greeted bluntly and ushered towards a crouded cloud with 10 other high
clergymen. He is told that he will have to eat on the last sitting, in the
canteen, and will be expected to do some daily chores.
Clearly nonplussed by this reward for a lifetime spent in the service
of God, he asked St Peter why the IBM salesman was treated so much better.
'Well', replied St Peter 'we get thousands of bishops up here, but this is the
IBM salesman we've ever had!"
--------------------------
From: Sam Towers [SLTOWE01@UKCC.UKY.EDU]
Recently our family sat down to a meal of curried chicken which neither of
our sons had eaten before. Our five year old apparently didn't think that
he would like it because it was his turn to say a prayer over the meal and he
prayed, "God, thanks for this food and please help me not taste it."
--------------------------
From: TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
2. A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.
--- Farmers Almanac
6. I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell.
--- Harry Truman
7. Legend --- a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
--- H. L. Mencken
``I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of
Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call
for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want
is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than
when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political
statistic.'' (Winston Churchill)
--------------------------
From: Gail VanCourt [ICSGDV@ASUVM.INRE.ASU.EDU]
"Too often travel, instead of broadening the mind, merely lengthens
the conversation." Elizabeth Drew 1887 - 1965
"Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people
don't recognize them." Ann Landers
"Once you see the drivers in Indonesia, you understand why religion
plays such a big part in their lives." Erma Bombeck
--------------------------
From: Ted Hermary [CZTH@MUSICA.MCGILL.CA]
Myths and Misinformation About Canada
Actual Questions from American Tourists
The following was taken from CANADA-L contributors. It was
prompted by one poster who related that someone at U Minn asked her
in all seriousness if Canada was a country or a state. The people
who sent these in had worked in the tourism industry here, as guides
and such. [My comments in brackets.]
Warning: Some knowledge of Canada (a democratic country, BTW)
may be necessary to appreciate the humour in these questions.
]From former employee who worked at a Niagra Falls (Can side) tourist
station:
1. "Do you have any brochures in American?"
2. (pointing across the river) "Is that the Empire State Building?" (figure
it out.)
3. "Where are the Mounties?" (my ans: Drive 6 hours in that direction and
ask for the Parliament buildings. Their response: Oh, Thanks!)
4. "How do I get to Windsor?" (this one is asked so frequently that the
Niagara Parks Police carry small descriptions in their caps! "Take QEW
towards Toronto, exit on Hwy 403 West, then Hwy 6 north to 401 West (London
direction) and keep going.") [I have no idea why people would want to go
to Windsor.]
5. (pointing up river) "Is that Mexico over there?" (I'm not kidding)
6. "Why did I have to leave my gun at the border?"
7. "When do they shut off the water?"
8. "Is Toronto a city or a province?"
9. "Are we in Canada now?"
]From another tourism employee in Calgary.
(It's a city BTW, in Alberta.):
1. "I came here to get away from cities and people! All you
have up here are cities and people!"
2. While working prior to the Olympics: "Can I get a room with
a toilet? You know, plumbing?"
3. "We want to see a movie tonight. Do you have movie theatres
here?"
4. "I want to go to the mall. You know, the big one you have
here." Reply: "Well it's about three and a half hours from
here....In Edmonton!" [I think Pittsburgh recently took over the
dubious honors of having the world's largest shopping mall/mini-city.]
5. The Stampede: "We want to go to the Stampede. You know,
where you run the cows through the city?" I think they've go us
confused with Spain! [The Calgary Stampede used to be the world's
largest outdoor rodeo.]
6. "Is there any problem getting food in Calgary?" Well, we
have to get it specially sent out from Toronto you know! [Toronto is
approx. 2500 miles away.]
7. "I thought we have to drive on the left side of the road in
Canada! Boy, am I relieved!" [We drive on the right.]
Another American visitor wanted to know the regulations for
hunting Inuit. (He apprently confused them with walruses.)
--------------------------
From: "MARY E. FISCHER" [fischr@VAXA.WEEG.UIOWA.EDU]
alaskans hear much the same remarks from tourists as you hear in Canada. Some
of my favorites while working in the tourist industry are:
When do the moose turn into carbou?
why did they build the mountain (McKinley) so far from the road?
Do you take American money?
--------------------------
From: Ted Hermary [CZTH@MUSICA.MCGILL.CA]
So here's a few more, including ones from Americans living here
and elsewhere. Personally, I'd appreciate hearing *any* amusing stories
of geographical or cultural ignorance (regardless of country of origin),
whether publicly or privately. Embrace the global electronic world!
Oh yes, two for the price of one. In New York recently a
bartender when I told him I was from Canada, wanted to know if I lived
"in the French part or the American part."
[From another American (I think)]:
Many Americans are just as ignorant about their own country.
Many residents of New Mexico have had problems with Federal officials
who assumed that New Mexico was a part of Mexico and told them that
they needed proof of citizenship and other immigration paperwork to apply
for student loans and other govt programs. I think the State of New
Mexico has responded by putting NEW MEXICO USA on their license plates.
["Is this true?"]
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page