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Date: Thu, 27 Oct 1994 06:39:38 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199410271339.GAA17899@netcom9.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life C.7
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 4 Feb 94 13:07:31 PST (Friday)
Subject: Life C.7
The following are from random places
----------------------------------------------------
]From comp.compression Frequently Asked Questions
"I've already explained this once, but repetition is
the very soul of the net." (from alt.config)
----------------------------------------------------
From: ecs@te01.wg2.waii.com (Ed Sarlls)
To: zion@bolis.sf-bay.org (ZION Mailing List),
I just installed the new version of Financial Information Systems (V2.T)
which uses a modem to transmit batches of information to headquarters.
Try reading the following quote from the operating instructions manual
with a straight face:
If Transmission Is Not Successful
If your first try at transmitting a batch is not successful, you
will get the message "Session Was Not Successful." This means
that the transmission was not successful ...
----------------------------------------------------
From: cate3@netcom.com
My sister in-law was commenting last week that at her company they
joke about quality being Job 1.1. A couple of us joked about how
at our companies it is Job 2.0.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Louis Cardali [lcardali@encore.com]
The Miami Herald, Tuesday December 21, 1993. page 10A.
India - Students demanding the right to cheat on their
examinations rioted in the northeast state of Bihar, and
one was killed and about a dozen wounded when police
opened fire.
----------------------------------------------------
From: "Embley, Paul" [pembley@spco.com (Paul Embley) ]
]From the San Jose Mecury;
According to the Knoxville News-Sentinel, among the
inquiries received by the sheriff's department in Oak Ridge,
Tenn., during the weekend of the "storm of the century" in March:
One caller wanted to know how she'd know when the power came back
on, and another wanted to know how come his power was off when he
had just seen a car go by with its lights on.
--------------------------
| It's only January, and already I've had my best call of the year.
|
| This very nice lady calls in, and has a problem she can't
| figure out. She's using Mac Works, and needs to get a file
| across to a colleague using a PC. The colleague has told her
| the format he needs the file to be in, but she can't figure
| out how to get Mac Works to save a "Nasty Text File".
|
| Pulling out my trusty PSS Customer Language Conversion Chart, I found:
|
| Customer Phrase: Technician Phrase:
| A Nasty Text File An ASCII Text File
|
| With this information I was able to bring the call to a successful close.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Dan Harling [harling@stingray.pictel.com]
] Vini, Vici, Hacki
] I came, I saw, I hacked
Here's a variation that you might be able to use:
Veni, Vidi, Vittles
I came, I saw, I ate
----------------------------------------------------
From: langelrj@phibred.com (Everyone's righthanded, only the smart overcome it)
In the theme of this morning's mailing, in a town near my hometown, there's a
sign on a road into a cemetary that says, "Dead End". It sure is!
BTW, for reference sake, the town's in Eastern Iowa.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Jeff Schwegman:StLouis
I heard this one the other night on the sitcom "The John Laroquette(sp?) Show":
A widower had been placed by his family in the "old folks" home. His friends in the home noticed that he was feeling kind down and decided to do something to cheer him up so they all chipped in and paid for a visit from a Prositute. The hooker comes in and says to the old gent; "I'm here to give you super sex!". The gentleman ponders this and after a short pause looks up and says; "OK, I think I'll have the soup."
----------------------------------------------------
From: Michael_Cottam@beav.intersolv.com
FYI, the "chicken gun" is also known as the "Rooster Booster". Saw
an article on this a couple years back.
----------------------------------------------------
From: jfoust@athena.mit.edu (Jeffrey A Foust)
Newsgroups: alt.current-events.la-quake
]From sig:
"We'll sell you a car no matter what planet
you're from." -- from a TV ad for a used car
dealership in Council Bluffs, Iowa.
----------------------------------------------------
From: "Jim Kurck" [kurck@netcom.com]
Well, every now and then the gang on alt.buddha.short.fat.guy come up with
good ones, but the S/N ratio is not great. My favorite, taken from the
group's FAQ:
3-5. So Master, is the soul immortal or not? Do we survive our bodily
death or do we get annihilated? Do we really reincarnate? Does our
soul split up into component parts which get recycled, or do we as
a single unit enter the body of a biological organism? And do we
retain our memories or not? Or is the doctrine of reincarnation
false? Is perhaps the Christian notion of survival more correct?
And if so, do we get bodily resurrected, or does our soul enter a
purely Platonic spiritual realm?
Your breakfast is getting cold.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Leigh Smith:XSIS:XEROX
from the LA Times, 21 Jan 1994, quoting a radio-station traffic reporter:
"Traffic is at a standstill, but the freeways are moving!"
----------------------------------------------------
Sender: "China News Digest (Global Service) IV" [CNDPSU-L@PSUVM.PSU.EDU]
--------------------------
Source: The Economists, 01/15/94--01/21/94
During the culture revolution in the late 1960s, zealous Red Guards in
Beijing decided it was reactionary for a red traffic light to signify
"stop". Cars were instructed to stop at green.
Economic policy is currently being run in a similar way. On the one hand,
the government has this month introduced perhaps the biggest single swathe
of market reforms in a decade. But, while issuing this signal to business
to proceed full speed ahead, leaders are flapping their arms in a desperate
appeal for a slow-down.
----------------------------------------------------
From: jdhinter@mit.edu [Jason D.Hintersteiner]
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what
to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies:
"My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are
food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice
cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long
time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's
advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like
spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his
father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He
asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and
there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice
and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother,
would he like spinach?"
----------------------------------------------------
From: JOAN U. SZECHTMAN:HARTFORD, who got it from a friend
DEAR DIARY
AUG. 12 Moved to our new home in Vermont. It is so beautiful here. The
mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.
OCT. 14 Vermont is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turned
all the colors and shades of Red and Orange. Went for a ride through the
beautiful mountains and saw some Deer. They are so graceful, certainly they
are the most wonderful animal on earth. This must be Paradise. I love it here.
NOV. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill
such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white.
It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and
shoveled the driveway. We had a snow ball fight (I won), and when the snow-plow
came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love
Vermont.
DEC. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again to
the driveway. I love it here.
DEC. 19 More snow last night. Couldnšt get out of the driveway to get to work.
I am exhausted from shoveling. Damned snow-plow.
DEC. 22 More of that white @#$~% snow fell last night. I've got blisters on my
hands from shoveling. I think the snow-plow hides around the curve and waits
until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Ugh!
DEC. 25 Merry Christmas! More friggen snow. If I ever get my hands on that SOB
who drives that snow-plow, i swear I'll kill him. Don't know why they don't use
more salt on the roads to melt the damned ice.
DEC. 27 More white @#$~% last night. Been inside for 3 days except for shoveling
out the driveway after that snow-plow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere,
car's stuck in a mountain of white @#$~%. The weatherman says to expect another
10' of the @#$~% again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10' is?
DEC. 28 The weather man was wrong. We go 34' of that white @#$~% this time. At
this rate it won't melt before we get more next winter. The snow-plow got stuck
up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel.
After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the @#$~% he
pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his brainless head.
JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food
and on the way back a damned Deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about
$3,000 damage to the car. Those beasts should be killed or something. Wish the
hunters had killed them all last November.
MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would believe the thing is
rusting out from that damned salt they put all over the road.
MAY 10 Moved to Georgia. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would
still live in that God-forsaken state of Vermont.
----------------------------------------------------
The following is stuff forwarded to me by Sarah M. Elkins:Wbst139
--------------------------
Added-to-by: Gene Hanselman:wbst147:xerox
From: Mark E. Rickert:Henr801C
Artery ---The study of paintings
Bacteria --- Back door of a cafeteria
Barium --- What you do when CPR fails
Cesarean Section --- A district in Rome
Cat Scan --- Searching for Kitty
Cauterize --- Made eye contact with her
Colic --- A sheep dog
Coma --- A puncuation mark
Congenital --- Friendly
D&C --- Capitol of the USA
Dilate --- To live longer
Enema --- Not a friend
Fester --- Quicker
G.I. Series --- Baseball game between teams of soldiers
Grippe --- A suit case
Hangnail --- A coat hook
Impotent --- Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain --- Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff --- A doctors cane
Morbid --- A higher offer
Nitrate --- Lower than the day rate
Node --- Was aware of
Organic --- Musical
Outpatient --- A person who has fainted
Pap Smear --- Fatherhood test
Pelvis --- A cousin of Elvis
Post-operative --- A letter carrier
Protein --- In favor of young people
Rectum --- Darn near killed šem
Secretion --- Hiding anything
Serology --- Study of English knighthood
Tablet --- A small table
Terminal Illness --- Getting sick at airport
Tumor --- An extra pair
Urine --- Opposite of youšre out
Varicose veins --- Veins which are very close together
Vein --- Conceited
--------------------------
Subject: Mass. state police confuse car owners with gun carriers
My wife received a letter yesterday from the Massachusetts state police,
informing her that it was time to renew her "License to Carry Firearms".
It included a renewal form that she was to take to her local licensing
authority, the police station in our case.
A bit of background: In Massachusetts, a "License to Carry" allows you
to carry or transport a handgun. My wife not only has never had such a
license, but does not even have the pre-requisite Firearms ID card, which
allows ownership and transport of rifles and shotguns.
Concerned that someone had used her name and address to get a carry permit, my
wife called the phone number indicated. The person answering ("State Police")
explained that my wife shouldn't worry. Everyone else who got that letter by
mistake was also concerned.
They have not yet figured out exactly what happened, but apparently someone
loaded a tape containing the list of car owners who needed to renew their
automobile registration instead of the list of gun owners needing to renew
their carry permits. They generated and mailed many thousands of these
letters, and never did any sanity checks.
They assured my wife she would get a letter explaining what had happened as
soon as they figured it out.
Fortunately, in order to actually renew a carry permit, my wife would have
to present the form in person at the local constabulary, who would know
that she did not have such a permit. Unless, of course, someone loaded
the wrong tape when updating the local police records...
In retrospect, since a car is a much more dangerous weapon than a handgun,
I suppose this is not a very big RISK after all.
--------------------------
From: msb@sq.com
Posted on the RISKS mailing list
The "Rich Bastard" bank mailing list blooper (RISKS-14.89) was also posted to
alt.folklore.computes, where it spawned a thread on incorrect transformations
of personal and other names in mailing lists.
The following are collected from articles by John Miller, John Switzer,
Jeff Hibbard, Jay Maynard, Joel Sumner, Jeff DelPapa, Hugh JE Davies,
Terry Kennedy, Jake Richter, Kevin Stevens, Scott Telford, and Brad Heintz.
Remarks in ["..."] are from the above people and not me.
Georgia-Pacific Corporation
-] Georgia P. Corporati
-] Dear Ms. Corporati ["So how long have you been an Italian
transvestite and how did the bank find
out about it?"]
Bradley University
-] Mrs. Bradley Un, IV
-] Dear Mrs. Un
James R. Maynard III
-] Mr. Iii [but in the same software...]
James R. Maynard, III [but "I've always signed my name without the comma"]
-] Mr. Maynard
Lambda Chi Alpha
-] Alpha, Lambda C.
Undergraduate Lounge
-] Dear Mr. Ung Lounge,
-] Just think what the neighbors will think when they see you and the
other members of the Lounge family riding around the neighborhood in
your new Cadillac. ...
Lord xxxx
-] Dear Mr. Lord
St. Peter's College
-] Saint Peter S. College
-] Dear Saint College ["It's amazing that they actually parse for a
salutation of 'Saint'. How many of those are
still receiving mail?"]
Citibank
-] Pending Deletion, Citibank
Department of Computer Science
-] Dear Mr. Science,
Nuclear Physics Department
-] Dear Mr. Nuclear [The recipient "put it on his door, thus buying
himself an instant nickname."]
And finally
["I had been sharing a house rental for several months, a few years back,
when we received a dunning notice from a collection agency. ... Took
a bit of the pace off that it was personalized to 'Resident', though."]
Mark Brader, Toronto utzoo!sq!msb msb@sq.com
[PGN adds that the RISKS archives include bunch of others
that could be included in this list, the most amusing of which
were probably these:
Friedman Wedd etal
-] Etalfried Wedd [a letter offered the recipient a pre-approved loan
for $750. A follow-up spoof story given in RISKS-10.16
had "Etalfried" complaining about the paltriness of the
amount, and being offered an unsecured cash loan for
$250,000!]
Mail sent to Switzerland
-] wound up routed to Switzerla ND (North Dakota). ]
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