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Date: Thu, 20 Oct 1994 06:39:16 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199410201339.GAA05721@netcom9.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life C.5
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 3 Feb 94 17:35:05 PST (Thursday)
Subject: Life C.5
The following was sifted out of rec.humor:
----------------------------------------------------
From: cs9h3bbt@swan.pyr (b.tabrah)
My grandpa's so old, his TV doesn't have a remote control.
--------------------------
From: Nveilleu@emr1.emr.ca (Normand Veilleux)
About two years ago I was working for a computer consultant firm and across
the hall from my desk, a gentleman in his late 50s had been hired to
I V & V documents (that's Independent Validation & Verification in case
you're wondering).
He was reviewing a document from another consultant that was proposing
that a large company purchase what has been termed in computer jargon
'a turnkey system'. Meaning that you buy it, you have it installed and it's
ready for use (no development of software needed).
In any case, the person that had typed the report made a royal typo that
read like this: "We recommend that your company purchase from us this
complete turkey system."
--------------------------
From: psyre@netcom.com (David S. Jones)
Subj: You know you're a red-neck when...
You know you're a red-neck when you have 5 cars that are
immobile and house that is! 8^)
--------------------------
From: kmd@fico.uucp
One of my cats is accustomed to using the windows as an entry/exit.
Unfortunately she can not get used to the idea that only ONE window
is used for this purpose........I will be sitting inside quite
snug and content when suddenly I hear "THUD!!!!" A quick glace
over at the window confirms my suspicion..there she is again-this time
on the window LEDGE sniffing at the glass to make sure it really is
solid!! And she has been using the one window for 8 years!! She has
also been attepting to use the other windows in the house for ten years....
hence her name "Booby"
--------------------------
From: umthoma5@cc.umanitoba.ca (Craig Thomasson)
Did you hear about the two Newfies that went ice fishing? They didn't catch
anything because they spent the whole day making a whole big enough for the
boat to fit in.
Then there were the ones that went downhill skiing. They only went down the
hill once - they couldn't get the boat back up to the top of the hill.
--------------------------
From: pdaugher@bdmserver.mcl.bdm.com (pat daugherty)
Subj: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
We once had an Old English Sheepdog. If it was raining, she would refuse to
go out and would want to hold it all day. But if it was thundering, she
didn't care if it was raining and would stay out in the rain forever running
around and barking at the thunder until we yelled enough and she came in.
--------------------------
From: barryg@lsid.hp.com ( Barry Gunn)
AUTOMATION IN THE 20th CENTURY
By Michael J. Clark
The setting is a typical bedroom, a woman is in the bed asleep,
next to her bed is a night stand with an alarm clock and a
telephone. Suddenly the woman awakens to the sound of a strange
noise in the house, she looks around, starts to panic and then
picks up her phone to call the police.
Woman: (Startled and panicked, talking out loud to herself in a
low tone) "I-I-I-I've got to call the police, there's someone
here, oh I know there is, let's see...what's the number,
(she nervously punches the numbers into the phone.)
After a few rings the phone is answered, there is a delay, then
we hear: "Welcome to our emergency phone mate 911, the automated
emergency answering system, the latest in emergency response
technology! If you are calling from a touch tone phone, please
enter a 1 at the tone, enter now"......(the woman looks both
shocked and puzzled as she nervously punches in a "1") "Thank
you, our emergency phone mate 911 recognizes that you are
calling from a touch tone phone......To serve you better your
police and emergency services have set up this system to route
your call to the appropriate emergency service personnel......If
you are in need of police assistance enter a 5, if you require
information in Spanish, enter 7, in Chinese enter 4, in Greek
enter 9, in French enter 6 or Italian enter an 8, if you wish
fire or medical service enter a 3 and the corresponding
numerical code for the language in which you will be speaking or
in need of translation......to repeat the previous information
please enter 0.......Enter your code now please"......(the
woman, who has now gone from fear and panic to being irritated
and confused enters a 5 and waits.....) "Emergency phone mate
911 recognizes that you have requested police assistance in
English....In order to better serve you, please enter the
appropriate number at the tone....a 1 if your call is not an
emergency, a 2 if you need information, a 3 if you are
returning a call from a police official, a 4 if you are
inquiring about a parking ticket, or a 5 if this is an
emergency, enter your code now"........(she shakes her head and
rolls her eyes and enters a 5 quite forcefully) "Emergency phone
mate 911 recognizes that you have a police emergency, please
enter a 1 if it is a life threatening emergency, a 2 if it is a
non life threatening emergency, a 3 if there are weapons
involved, a 4 if there are multiple perpetrators, a 5 if the
perpetrators are non English speaking and will require a Miranda
warning in any other language....Please be sure to enter the
appropriate language code if you enter a 5....if the police
emergency is a non life threatening rape or physical assault
please enter a 7.......
(the woman now has lost her temper, she punches in a 2 saying
out loud "How the hell do I know if it's life threatening or not
you imbecile!) "Emergency phone mate 911 recognizes that you
have a police emergency that is non life threatening, emergency
phone mate will now direct your call to the appropriate
department for response.....please hold while your call is
transferred.....(we hear ringing......, the phone is answered)
"Dunkin Donuts, may I help you?" ........
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Keith Hendrickson:omaha
--------------------------
From: burrows@tiger.Princeton.EDU
Irrelevant OBJ: Instructions on bottle of car polish:
1. Wash car and dry thoroughly.
2. Shake vigorously.
--------------------------
From: frank.rosenbaum@execnet.com (Frank Rosenbaum)
What do you get if you cross an Elephant with a Kangaroo?
Holes all over Australia.
--------------------------
From: Johan.Sosa@launchpad.unc.edu (Johan Shamril Sosa)
If light travels so quickly ...why can we see it?
The path to success is always the other path.
--------------------------
]I saw ths one on the side of a "convenience" store in South Texas
]
]
] BEER
] CIGARETTES
] SCHOOL SUPPLIES
How about the sign outside of a little country store:
ANTIQUES FOR SALE!!!
(We buy junk too!)
--------------------------
From: byau@muddcs.claremont.edu (Ben Yau)
One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist and matehmatician and
asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of
fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the
most efficient design. The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed
'We can assume the length is infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half
of the Earth was certainly a more efficient was to do it. The Mathematician
just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said 'I
declare myself to be on the outside.'
Josh 'Kumquat' Hopkin
-----
there is a long hallway with a million dollars at one end and
a mathematician and engineer at the other. the two are told that
whoever can reach the money can keep it but they may only travel
half the remaining distance at a time.
the mathematician thinks for a while and decides that it is impossible
to complete the task.
the engineer then walks down the hallway and grabs the money. when
he comes back he is asked his reasoning which he replies
"enginnering approximation"
-----
A physics TA is trying to help a student through a problem:
TA: "OK, what is this length here?" (pointing to line on diagram)
Student: "Ummm.... x-naught?"
TA: "No...."
Student: "Sure it's not x-naught?"
TA: "Yes, I'm sure."
Student: (confused) "Ummm.... Why not?"
TA: "y-naught, very good......`
-----
This one, just insert your favorite major or person or whatever.
Since I am a comp sci major:
A convention for math-computer science was going on . On the train to
the convention, a bunch of math majors and a bunch of computer science
majors were on the train. Each of the math majors had his/her train
ticket. The group of comp sci majors had only ONE ticket for all of
them. The math majors stared laughing and snickering. Then, one of
the CS majors said "here comes the conductor" and they all went into
the bathroom (all the CS majors). The math majors were puzzled. THe
conductor came aboard and said "tickets please" and got tickets from
all the math majors. He then went to hte bathroom and knocked on the
door and said "ticket please" and the comp sci majors stuck the ticket
under the door. The conductor took it and then the CS majors came out
of the bathroom. The math majors felt really stupid.
So, on the way back from teh convention, the group of math majors had
one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the CS majors,
for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the CS major
lookout said "Conductor coming!". All the CS majors went to the
bathroom. All the math majors went to the other bathroom. Then,
before the conductor comes on board, one of the CS majors leaves the
bathroom, knocks on the other bathroom, and says "ticket please."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Nancy L. Crawford:wbst129
--------------------------
From: zdxc0d@amoco.com (David Crowson)
this happened to me about 5-6 Yrs ago
[phone rings]
ME : Technical support, Hello Can I help you? [said with cheesy advertising smile]
USER: My computer doesn't work
[various questions ensue to assertain the problem
,considering 'my computer doesn't work' could mean _anything_]
ME : Have you turned it on?
USER: Why of course, I'm not a complete idiot you know
ME : OK Is the power-on light on the VDU lit ?
USER: No
ME : Is the power light on the system box lit?
USER: NO
[I take a wild guess that it's not plugged in]
ME : OK I want you to `reverse the polarity of your machine`
USER: Really How do I do that?
ME : Take the mains plug and rotate it in an Horizontal direction for 3 revolutions
and plug it back into the power socket.
[user tries this , obviously not noticing it wasn't plugged in in the first place]
USER: Excellent .It works!!
--------------------------
From: rml@netcom.com (Marc Lewis)
Neil M Glover (glovernm@dcs.glasgow.ac.uk) wrote:
: I recently came across CAVIAR : Computer Aided Visitor Information and Retrieval
Does this mean that the computer actually went and got visitors to try to
get information out of them, or am I the only one who sees things like
this?
--------------------------
From: sidles@stein3.u.washington.edu (John Sidles)
Dr. Watson: Tell me Holmes, wherever did you get your
fantastic education?
Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary.
--------------------------
From: joeshmoe@world.std.com (Jascha FranklinHodge)
Q: Why did the rocket lose it's job?
A: It got fired!
BA-DA-BOOM!
--------------------------
From: an53809@anon.penet.fi
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune
tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune sax player. Meeting the other two indicates that you're
hallucinating.
How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
No one knows when to come in.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are actually the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.
Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
How do you get a guitar to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
krisna@cs.wisc.edu (Krishna Kunchithapadam)
--------------------------
From: johnson@sleipnir.pb.wes.mot.com ("Johnson")
I took my daugher, age 4, out to lunch on a boat-restaurant in South Haven
with her grandmother and uncle. Later, she made a remark to me about the
boat being "punished." I thought I had misunderstood, but a couple of
other people said she mentioned something about eating on a boat which was
being punished, so I questioned her about it.
Ten minutes of interrogation later, it turned out that she had noticed the
mooring lines. Remembering the scene in Dumbo where the rogue elephant
was tied up, she assumed for punishment...
--------------------------
From: masc1745@ucssun1.sdsu.edu (Avoid normal situations.)
Q: When is a theatrical manager like an astronomer?
A: When s/he discovers a new star.
--------------------------
From: moburg@hubcap.clemson.edu (Marc P. Oburg)
Subj: Re: Useless Inventions 0.2
Cordless Extention Cord ?
--------------------------
From: tdl1@Ra.MsState.Edu (Terry D Lee)
Subj: PC
I have determined that it is not at all
correct to use the term "AFRICAN-AMERICAN"
in reference to black people....
Therefore I suggest the following:
Black People should be reffered to as
"MULTIWAVELENGTH ABSORBANT"
Of course, white people would then be refered to as
"MULTIWAVELENGTH REFLECTANT"
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
watts@lams.msd.lmsc.lockheed.com (Robyn M Watts)
--------------------------
From: tsotac@itc.bellcore.com (Tedd Cesiano)
Subj: Re: Drivers without a Clue
My office mate was coming home from Vermont on snow covered roads one
weekend, and he was passed by some guy in either a Mercedes or a Pugeot.
He was going at about 50 mph as he went by. Farther up the road, they saw
him on the side, car facing backwards. A little while later, he blew by
them again. Farther up, they saw him AGAIN, facing backwards on the side.
Sure enough, he blew by once more, same speed, and later, they saw that he
had spun out and gone into a deep ditch off the road. They were laughing
the rest of the way home.
--------------------------
From: reed.gustow@pacsibm.org (Reed Gustow)
They're in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The GP looks at it
and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck...it's probably a
duck," and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next
bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through
the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow
bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it,
but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises
his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and
turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."
--------------------------
From: rlstewart@eng.xyplex.com (Bob Stewart)
Subj: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Several years ago my sons were at the home of a neighbor who had Irish
Setters. One of them, a big, rangy dog named Barkly, took to barking at the
boys and bouncing around, in classic Irish Setter fashion. He then turned to
dash in the opposite direction and accelerated full tilt into a tree. The
boys said he buckled like an accordion, just like in the cartoons. He
stopped, looked slightly dazed for a second, then went back to his original
behavior as if nothing had happened.
--------------------------
From: mike@vishnu.eco.twg.com (This space intentionally left blank)
Subj: Re: Useless Inventions 0.2
In article [2ho0cu$d3s@bigboote.WPI.EDU], russbre@wpi.edu (Brett Michael Russ) writes:
]Think of a car battery charger that plugs into your cigarette lighter...
]imagine the fun you'd have
Sorry, nice try, but I have a catalogue at home with one of these in it.
Plugging into the lighter keeps you from having to open up the hood with all
that yucky grease, and it reduces the chance that you will get the
polarities reversed. It is just a trickle charger (the wiring in the
lighter couldn't handle starting current!), but it is a battery charger...
-- Mike "you know what they say about truth and fiction..." Bartman --
--------------------------
From: kkeating@cs.buffalo.edu (Kelly Anne Hinkle)
Subj: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Opal's Dumbest Moment *could* have been fatal for the normal every-day dog,
but not my Beanhead. We were playing fetch-the-tennis-ball, and she ran past
it, out into the street, and head-first into the side of a moving car. She
bounced off, shook it off, and kept going trying to find the ball! The driver
slammed on the brakes and came flying out of the car sputtering how he didn't
see her, and omigod-is-she-hurt, etc, and could not believe that the same dog
was now trying to get someone to throw the ball again for her.
--------------------------
From: traine@qwerty (Tracy Smith)
Subj: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
I have the distinction of owning one of the worlds dumbest dogs. Ernest,
the empty-headed Elkhound (but a big heart) (RIP). Ernest is famous for
many stupid things he did, some mundane like running into sliding glass
doors repeatedly, and some more unique, like looking around for what hit him
when he was smacked by his own tongue while running around. The event that
gained him most notoriety was brought up just this week when I took my new
Norwegian Elkhound to dog obedience, after not going since the other dogs
finished their CD's, about 10 years or so, the instructor introduces me to
the rest of the class as the owner of the dog that was chased by the toad.
Yes, one balmy night while we were having our Novice class outside, a fearsome
Elkhound eating toad appeared and chased poor Erndog across the yard. And
she then also brought up how we could never get a CD picture of him because
he was afraid of cameras. It was nice to know I'm not the only person that
has fond memories of my ol' Ernie.
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