Return-Path: [cate3@netcom.com]
Received: from netcom7.netcom.com by piccolo.cco.caltech.edu with ESMTP
(8.6.7/DEI:4.41) id HAA15221; Tue, 18 Oct 1994 07:23:27 -0700
Received: by netcom7.netcom.com (8.6.9/Netcom)
id GAA26799; Tue, 18 Oct 1994 06:34:36 -0700
Date: Tue, 18 Oct 1994 06:34:36 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199410181334.GAA26799@netcom7.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life C.4
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 28 Jan 94 13:57:50 PST (Friday)
Subject: Life C.4
The following are from the humor list:
HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu (Or HUMOR@uga.bitnet)
To add yourself send to LISTSERV@UGA.bitnet the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, as the first line in the message
----------------------------------------------------
From: Kris [anemone@U.WASHINGTON.EDU]
There was a devote Islamic man who did his prayers five times a
day. Now, the first prayer was rather early in the morning, but he was
always awake in time because the prayers were important. One morning,
however, he was about to sleep though his prayers, when there was
suddently a noice in the closet. Realizing he was late, he quickly got
up and said his prayers. After he was done, he went to look in his
closet, and there was Iblis (the Devil). The man said "Iblis, were you
the one that woke me up?" Iblis said "Yes". The man replied "Well, why
didn't you let me sleep through my prayers?". And Iblis replied "Well, I
thoguht about it, but then I realized how bad you'd feel, and how you'd
try and make it up to God, so I decided I'd better wake you up."
As told to me by my religion teacher.
--------------------------
From: Alun Richards [A.Richards@STE0406.WINS.ICL.CO.UK]
Q: How does Batman's mum call him for dinner?
A: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner,
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
--------------------------
From: Tomasz Andraszek [CLIPPER@INF.PM.WAW.PL]
In front of the vending machine stands a militia man. He puts a coin
inside, gets his soda, drinks it and puts a coin again and so on.
People standing behind him get impatient.
-Man! cut it!
-No way, I'm still winning.
Militia man lost his truncheon (the rubber club?). He was very
unhappy about this. Small boy found it and wanted to return it to the
owner.
-Here you go, that's your truncheon.
-Thank you but it's not mine - I lost mine
A farmer wants to go to the USA.
-Why do you want to go there? - militia man asks him
-My brother has been living there for a long time. He's old,
a little deaf, he cannot work any longer.
-So let him come here.
-I said he was a little deaf not stupid.
During a meeting an orator declares triumphantly:
-Comrades, in five years time we shall have communism in Poland...
Voice from the crowd answers him:
-I'm not scared, I've got cancer.
What's the difference between communist and anti-communist?
-A communist is a man that had read all the works of Marx, Engels,
Lenin and belived in what he read.
-A anti-communist is a man that had read all those books and
understood them.
What's the difference between democracy and socialist democracy?
-It's like between chair and electric chair.
--------------------------
From: Robert Martin [RMARTIN@CMCVAX.CLAREMONT.EDU]
The 23rd Qualm
Bill Clinton is my shepherd that I do not want.
He maketh many lies about green pastures; He leadeth me beside still factories.
He restoreth no faith: he leadeth me in the path of covetousness for His
name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of debt, I will fear much
evil; for He is with me; Hillary's Rod and her staff won't insure me.
He preparest a tax table before me to give presents to mine enemies; He
annointest my wages with withholding; my expense runneth over my income.
Surely poverty and need shall follow me all the days of His administration;
and I will dwell in a subsidized HUD house for ever.
My father (Robert B. Martin, Jr.) wrote this. I though the Internet would
enjoy it.
--------------------------
From: Irene LeBlanc [ILEBLANC@IVY.BITNET]
Note: Could be offensive to the elderly although this was passed along
by a fellow in his late 60s.
It seems a husband and wife were talking to friends about their
frequent problem of forgetting things. The friend shared that he just
wrote himself notes so that he wouldn't forget. Later that evening,
the wife said, "I think I'll go fix us each a bowl of ice cream." Her
husband replied, "Do you think you ought to write it down?" She said,
"No, I think I can remember a simple bowl of ice cream." Her husband
said, "Maybe you should write it down because I want whipped cream and
a cherry on mine." "No," she said, "I can remember that." "Well," he
said, "put chocolate sauce and nuts on mine also." The wife was gone
for quite some time in the kitchen. Finally, she returned with two
plates of bacon and eggs. "See I told you that you should have written
it down,"said her husband, "you forgot the toast."
From: Bob Plested [bob@CAW2.4950TW.WPAFB.AF.MIL]
"I don't know what computer language engineers will be using 20
years from now, but I do know it will be called Fortran."
--------------------------
From: Doug Brunelle [dougb@LIBRE.COM]
Did you hear about the Optician who fell into his lens-grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself..
--------------------------
From: Sim Webster [WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET]
Subj: Quotation for 1993 (Am political humor)
The State of American political rhetoric:
"The plan is really a Doctor Kevorkian prescription for the jobs of American
working men and women." Rep. Richard Armey, R-Texas, on the Clinton health
care proposal.
"The scariest and the most dangerous part of (Endeavor space shuttle) mission
occurs this week, when the astronauts return to Florida and pick up their
rental cars." Jay Leno.
--------------------------
From: Mo Mirzaa [EM019@BHUOB00.BITNET]
Here is another joke about one of those middle east Gods. Well, you see
Husni Mubarak, the Egyptian president is so stupid that once upon a time
he visited a dairy product show that was held in Cairo. While touring the
place, he commented "wow what a nice cow", "excuse me Sir, it is not a
cow, it is a goat" the director of the show said to him. After a few
minutes, Mubarak said: "Wow what a nice piece of cheese". "Excuse me
Sir". The director said. "This is not cheese, it is milk". The thirs
time, Mubarak stopped and said: "Well, this is a bull, and don't you
correct me this time. I know all about bulls". "I am sorry Sir". The
director said. "But this is a mirror !"
Please let me know what you think of this kind of jokes ! Thanks.
--------------------------
From: Mo Mirzaa [EM019@BHUOB00.BITNET]
1- The teacher is walking between the students during the exam when says
to one of them who seems to be in trouble: "How is it going, Tom ?
"Tom .... Tom, I remember now" The student reply !
--------------------------
From: Jim Muncy [muncyj@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
Dog 1: I ate the dictionary today.
Dog 2: How did your master take it?
Dog 1: She didn't like it.
Dog 2: How do you know?
Dog 1: She took the words right out of my mouth.
--------------------------
From: Lee Bradley [lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
The question on the sociology exam was: "Has the criminal population
increased or decreased and why?" --After deep thought, the student wrote:
"The criminal population has DECREASED, because after Cain killed Abel,
33.33% of the population had committed a murder."
--------------------------
From: Sven Friberg [i2sven@SIIL.EDU.EE]
Levels of drunkness:
1. A man sits on the back seat of cab
and when the driver asks "Where to ?"
he answers "That's not your business !"
2. A man walks to cab from one side and
right away out of other. Then he asks
the driver, "How much ?"
--------------------------
From: Matt Lewkowicz [MLEWKOWICZ%ADMIN@OA.ITHACA.EDU]
That reminds me of an episode with a friend of mine...
We were on our way home late one evening after a snowstorm, and there was the
expected lack of traffic on the road. We both just wanted to get to our
respective beds, so when we came to a red light, Doug (my friend) stopped,
looked, and made a left on red (hey, nobody else was around). DSure enough,
the "Murphy's" cops were right there...lights come on, they pull him over.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Doug: I made left on red, sir.
Cop: That's right. Do you have an excuse?
Doug: Stupidity?
Sure enough Doug was just given a warning.
And I always thought that stupidity was criminal...
--------------------------
From: Sven Friberg [i2sven@SIIL.EDU.EE]
/* Stingyville comes from word stingy (could`nt think of better :-) */
There was a big car accident in Stingyville, and local newspapers
had big headlines:
MOTORBIKE OFF THE ROAD, 8 PASSANGERS INJURED!
They don't use refrigerator in Stingyville: they are'nt sure the light goes
off when they close the door.
--------------------------
From: Grady Lacy [glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
As they say for almost all made-for-TV movies now-a-days: "Based on a
true story."
My dad worked for years for a textile factory. He was a machinist whose
job it was to repair many of the machines when they went down. Once they
got a bobbin clearer, and the person who sold it to the factory told my
dad that the clearer was "fool-proof." Within a week it was down. The
salesman who was also the technician for the company that made the
machine came to repair it. When my dad asked him what was wrong, he
replied, "Some fool didn't do what he was supposed to do before loading
the bobbins in the hopper!" My dad said, "I thought you told me that the
machine was fool-proof." The technician/salesman immediately replied,
"Excuse me, some DAMN FOOL didn't do what he was supposed to do before
loading the bobbins in the hopper!"
--------------------------
From: "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" [IRVINMJ@WSUVM1.CSC.WSU.EDU]
]From The Wall Street Journal, January 12, 1994:
Breaking the language barrier: Now that the IRS is providing a
Spanish-language Form 1040A to some regions, tax lawyer Conrad Teitell
asks: "Can IRS forms written in English be far off?"
--------------------------
From: MASMITH@MICKEY.CARIBOO.BC.CA
Second: I was watching a PBS show on the challenge to America in the 21st
century. The show profiled the education system of Japan, the U.S. and
Germany. At one point the camera revealed a large classroom of Japanese kids
standing up and chanting simultaneously,
" I WIL BE AN INDIVIDUAL!! I WILL THINK FOR MYSELF!!"
--------------------------
From: Tomasz Andraszek [CLIPPER@INF.PM.WAW.PL]
Erewan is somewhere in the former Soviet Union.
Worried listener to Radio Erewan:
-Is it true that it's going to be worse?
-It's not true, if it could be worse it would be already.
Question to Radio Erewan:
-Is it true that soviet citizen can possess two garages?
-Yes, but he can live only in one.
(Fact is that there was a law prohibiting people from possesing
more than one apartment)
What's that? It is at least 30 meters long, has a few hundred legs,
eats meat but has to do with potatoes...
-A queue in front of the meat shop.
American journalist asks polish minister about Polish-Russian trade
exchange.
-Everything is going great. We give them our meat and they take from
us grain.
Q. When western civilization will come to the Soviet Union?
A. A few minutes after take off.
--------------------------
From: stephen davis [S3637D@ETSUV2.ETSU.EDU]
Hello people!
Not too long ago my father passed away. I don't see any humor in that fact,
however, the following incident was, shall I say, exceedingly unnerving:
He was staying with my grandmother. I phoned her house to check up on him.
My uncle was there, answered the phone, and told me the bad news. Well,
the next day I phoned her home again to inquire if any preparations had been
made, but was taken aback when I heard the following:
"Hello this is Stephen Davis (my dad). No-one is home at the moment but
if you'll leave your name..."
Needless to say, I told my uncle they'd better get the answering machine
tape changed pronto!
--------------------------
From: Ian Chai [spectre@UIUC.EDU]
Subj: More trek jokes
Noticing medals on Balok's chest, Kirk asked, "Did you win those in combat?"
"Oh, no," said Balok. "I don't believe in military service."
"Did you shrink from battle?" asked Kirk.
"No," shrugged Balok, "I've always been this size."
McCoy: "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes."
Kirk: "But you can't play them."
McCoy: "While I've got them, neither can he!"
McCoy: "Do you serve crabs here?"
Mess officer: "We serve anybody. Sit down."
Why did the Klingon cross the road?
To conquer the other side.
Scotty and Sulu had been at the K-7 saloon for three hours when suddenly in
walked a strange alien being. He was eight feet tall, weighted less than a
hundred pounds, and had orange skin, purple hair, and six yellow eyes. To top
it all off, he was wearing a red-and-blue-striped suit. Scotty stared at him
for a long while and finally rose and staggered over to the being.
"Pardon me for askin', friend, bu' wha' do ye look like when Ah'm sober?"
The next day, the bartender was just opening up the place when a pink
elephant and a rhinoceros came strolling in. The bartender shook his head.
"Sorry, boys, Scotty hasn't come in yet."
Mr. Spock: "What is the formula for PI?"
Chekov: "Er...apple or blueberry, sir?"
What do you call it when two science officers are having an argument?
Science Friction.
--------------------------
From: Lawrence Kennon [KENNON_LARRY@TANDEM.COM]
The next time some idiot asks you what time it is, answer thus:
"Due to circumstances beyond my control, the inner workings
and hidden mechanisms of my chronometer are in such inaccord
with the great sidereal movements by which time is commonly
reckoned that I cannot give you the precise time.
However the approximate time is (look at your watch, pause
meaningfully, and continue ...) __________________________".
--------------------------
From: "Hawkeye -- Don't Worry! Be Happy! };^]" [kcdhawk@KODAK.COM]
There are only two things that are infinite,
the Universe and human stupidity, and I am
not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein.
--------------------------
From: Nico Verboven [nvboven@WINS.UIA.AC.BE]
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when
he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
--------------------------
From: "Musat, Bob" [bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU]
when i was in boy scouts, we would often play games after our weekly
meetings, and would "count off by twos" (1-2-1-2-1-2) or threes
(1-2-3-1-2-3-1-2-3) to split the troop into the various numbers of teams.
however, we would also count off when we assembled for camping trips, so
that the scoutmaster and his assistants would know how many kids there were
going on the trip. we could be sure to have the same number when we arrived
and also when we broke camp to come home.
my brother, though, didn't quite grasp the concept. one early saturday
morn, we were all lined up to set off on a camping trip, and he happened to
be the second one in line. when the scoutmaster called out, "count off by
ones," the first scout called out, "one!" well, being so used to counting
1-2-1-2-1-2 or 1-2-3-1-2-3-1-2-3 for the games, he ALSO called out, "one!"
this went down the line for about five or six scouts calling, "one," "one,"
"one," before the scoutmaster called a halt to it and had to explain to ken
that that meant counting "1-2-3-4-5-6....!"
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page