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Date: Thu, 29 Sep 1994 10:20:16 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199409291720.KAA18075@netcom13.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life B.V
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 24 Jan 94 14:00:41 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life B.V
The humor here is all on Star Trek
----------------------------------------------------
The following are from rec.humor:
--------------------------
From: mhammond@bnr.ca (Mike Hammond)
Recently on alt.tv.simpsons, there was a continuing thread involving
Borg-style (mis)quotations in .signatures. Quite the volume of these
(mis)quotes were produced, and were then compiled by yours truly.
Here is the compilation, as it appeared on alt.tv.simpsons:
The one that started it all:
"I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assim... OOH! DONUTS!"
Okay, now the ones that actually belong on this newsgroup! :-)
"I am Bart of Borg ... Who the hell are you?", and in a similar vein,
"I'm Borg Simpson, who the hell are you?"
Chalkboard: `I will not assimilate others.'
"Hi there, I'm Borg McClure. You might have seen me in such films as,
``Assimilation is Easy'', ``Let's Get Irrelevant'' or ``Borg 2000: The
Assimilation Milkman.''"
"HI KIDS! I'm Krusty the Assimilator, and this is my sidekick, Sideshow
Borg!"
Now some more, in no particular order.
"I am Popeye of Borg. You will be askimilgrated."
"I am Porky Pig of Borg. You will be abbadi abbadi abbadi assimilated!"
"Borg...James Borg."
"I am Locutus, of the Hair Club for Men."
--- followed by ---
"I'm not just the owner -- I've been assimilated myself!"
"I am Svedish Chef of Burg. Prepaur to bey Assimilatedy."
--- followed by ---
"Borg borg borg!"
"We are Borg. Hear us roar!"
"I am Wimpy of Borg. I will gladly assimilate you Tuesday for a hamburger
today."
"Hi ho, hi ho, off to assimilate we go..."
--- (Borg White and the 7 lil'Borgs)
--------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
krisna@cs.wisc.edu (Krishna Kunchithapadam)
-----
From: krueger@cs.hope.edu (John Krueger)
Subject: Re: Star Trek Jokes/Puns
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: So far nobody has seen it done and lived to tell about it.
Q: How many Farengi does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, there is no way you can afford two.
-----
From: pagan@meiko.co.uk (Stephen Payne)
Subject: Re: STrek funnies
Captain. What shall I do with this garden tool?
Ah, No.1. Make it hoe!
Captain. What shall I do with this plant.
Ah, No.1. Make it grow.
-----
From: Keith Partick Clouse [kc3v+@andrew.cmu.edu]
Subject: Re: Star Trek Jokes/Puns
Startreck: The Next Generation
"We the Borg"
Worf; We are recieving a hail from the borg vessle Captain...
Picard; On Screen
Borg; I am Perot of Borg. You people will be assimilated...now...
Picard; (signals to close hail) Counselor?
Troi; I'm sensing great annoyance eminating from their vessle
captain...its almost as if the borg has no real purpose but demands
attention...
Picard; Open Hail...Borg vessle- We will not be assimilated... we are a
free and civilized federa-
Borg; Now...you people have not heard a single word I have said...
Now...Resistence is futile-any fool can see that...if you resist you
will be destroyed...and thats just sad-
Picard; (annoyed) Borg vessle! We will fight you until-
Borg; MAY I FINISH?!!..........Now.......Are you gonna interupt
me.......Now....
can I finish? Are you gonna interupt me? Huh? Can I finish...
Picard; Borg vessle, return to your home space now or we will-
Borg; I dont BELIEVE this! What...Am I talking Tamarian here or
something? You people will be assimilated and thats all there is to
it...now...
Picard; Borg ves-
Borg; CAN I PLEASE FINISH?!!....Is that alright with you? Huh?
Now...(holds up chart) Ya see here...ya got yer Klingons and Romulans
and Cardasians and Ferengi and Everything else and thats all Irelavent
there...now earch and every single one will be assimilated and thats all
there is to it...now...can I finish ...you ARE gonna let me finsish now
aren't you?...now...
Picard; Mr. Worf- Close channel...
Riker; Ensign take us out or here...Warp NINE!!
Troi; My god with a weapon like that they'll be even more powerful than
before...
Worf; Captain Borg Vessle is persuing...
Picard; They could bore us into assimilation...Suggestions...
Worf; Captian! Intruder Alert! Main Bridge! (Worf whips out Phaser)
Borg; (materializing on bridge) ...Now...
Are you gonna interupt me...
May I finish...
Are you gonna interupt me...
Can I finish...
Now..Are you gonna interupt me...
May I finish...
...
...
----------------------------------------------------
The folloing are from alt.startrek.creative:
--------------------------
From: pontee@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu (Edward Anthon Pontee)
Subject: Abott and Costello of Borg
Setting: A bunch of pallid, stiff-looking guys on a baseball field wearing
the most ugly uniforms ever to grace the major leagues.
C: Who's on first?
A: No, Hugh was third of five.
C: Who's third?
A: Yes.
C: Wait, I asked who's third.
A: Yes.
C: So who's on third?
A: Yes.
C: Bipbipbipbip(huff)(huff)! All right, Why won't you tell me who's on
third?
A: Hugh cannot tell, hugh is no longer part of the collective.
C: I know I'm not on the team! But who's on third?!?!
A: Yes, he was.
C: Okay, okay. Why not locate us the pitcher.
A: Locutus is no longer part of the collective.
C: Huh?
A: Yes, Hugh, too.
C: I KNOW I'm not on the team. Lord!
A: Lore has been deactivated. Lore disrupted the collective.
C: Okay, let me get this straight. Who's on third. Lord (your manager?)
has been deactivated, and you no longer have a pitcher because
someone isn't locating us?
A: Yes.
C: (FUME) I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!
A: Understanding is irrelevant. You will be assimlated.
C: But you said he was no longer on the team.
A: Hugh will be assimlated. It is inevitable.
C: Me? I don't want to be on your team.
A: Irrelevant. You will join the collective. Resistance is futile.
--------------------------
From: zsharadg@cae.ca (Sharad Gupta)
STORY: ST:TNG meet The Three Little Pigs
Subject: In really bad taste, I present the crossover of crossovers:
ST:TNG meets The Three Little Pigs
Copyright 1993 by Sharad Gupta
{Append standard disclaimers}
I have a two year old daughter who will not eat unless someone, usually
me, reads the "Pigs" story to her. I had started to feel it's effects
only recently, so to avoid brain meltdown, I modified the story a
wee little bit. [No, Barney is not real, Barney is not real, barney
is not..., barne...]
[BTW "three little starfleet officers" is serious tongue twister to
the unwary.]
This is the story of three little starfleet officers,
and one big bad Borg. [Surprise surprise.]
The three little starfleet officers lived in a starship
at the bottom of a gravity well.
They lived with their bartender, Guinan.
The big, bad Borg lived in a starship
at the top of the gravity well.
He lived all alone.
One day Guinan said,
"Boys, it's time for you to go your own way.
And live in your own starships."
"Yes, it is time," said the first little starfleet officer, Wesley.
"To go our own way," said the second little starfleet officer, Geordie.
"And to live in our own starships," said the
third little starfleet officer, Data.
So the three little starfleet officers packed their bags.
They left the starship at the bottom of the gravity well.
"Good-by now," Guinan said.
"And don't forget-watch out for the big, bad Borg.
He assimilates little starfleet officers."
"We won't forget," said the three little starfleet officers.
"B is for big," said Wesley.
"B is for bad," said Geordie.
"Borg is for wolf," said Data.
They waved good-bye and went their merry way.
Soon they came to a place where three wormholes met.
"I'll go this way and build a starship," said Wesley.
"I'll go that way and build a starship," said Geordie.
"And I'll stay right here and build my starbase," said Data.
So each little starfleet officer went his own way.
Wesley built his starship of straw. [Ok, I know. YOU give me a better idea.]
One, two, three, snip, snap! His starship was done.
It was not a very good starship.
It was not a very strong starship.
"But who cares?" said Wesley.
"I don't want to work all day.
I want to dance and play." [All together: SHUT UP WESLEY!!!]
He did.
But someone was watching from the top of the gravity well.
Someone who liked to assimilate little starfleet officers.
Geordie built his starship of sticks.
One, two, three, zip, zap!
His starship was done.
It was not a very good starship.
Or very strong. [Typical starfleet engineering]
"But who cares?" said that little starfleet officer.
"I don't want to work all day.
I want to sing and play."
This is what he did. [Picture Geordie dancing around playing a fiddle.]
But someone was watching from the top of the gravity well.
Someone who liked to assimilate little starfleet officers.
Data built his starbase of tritanium pre-fab bricks.
Now this little starfleet officer worked hard.
He made a floor of dilithium. [He had to be different.]
He made an airlock. [Whatever for?]
He built his starbase brick by brick.
And he made a docking pilon at the hub. [Instead of on the rim like a dork.]
"Now I have time to rest and play,"
said the third little starfleet officer.
And so he did.
But someone was watching from the top of the gravity well.
Someone who liked to assimilate little starfleet officers.
Next day, someone came down the gravity well.
THE BIG, BAD, BORG!
He matched courses with the starship of straw.
He opened hailing frequencies.
"Little starfleet officer, little starfleet officer, drop your
shields," he called.
The first little starfleet officer looked at the viewscreen.
He saw the big, bad Borg.
"No, no, by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin,
I won't let YOU in," said the first little starfleet officer.
"Then I'll power-up, and fire phasers, and I'll blow
your starship in," said the Borg.
He powered-up, and he fired phasers.
And he blew that starship of straw right down.
That little starfleet officer beamed out just in time.
[Sorry, maybe next time.]
He beamed to Geordie's starship of sticks.
"Help! Help!" he cried. "The big, bad Borg is coming."
The second little starfleet officer quickly beamed him aboard,
and put up his shields.
Now the big, bad Borg cloaked his ship in a hologram of NCC-1701.
He matched courses with the starship of sticks.
He opened hailing frequencies.
"Little starfleet officers, little starfleet officers, let me beam over,"
he said in Uhura's voice.
"Who are you?" asked the second little starfleet officer.
"I am Captain James T. Ki...," said the Borg sweetly. [Puke, gasp, choke]
The two little starfleet officers checked their sensors.
They could see the Borg ship where the corners stuck out of the
hologram.
So geordie said,
"No, no, by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin.
I won't let you in."
"Then I'll power-up, and I'll fire phasers, and I'll blow
your starship up," said the Borg.
He powered-up, and he fired phasers.
And he powered-up some more, and fired phasers.
And he blew that starship right up.
The two little starfleet officers beamed out just in time.
They beamed over to their brother's starbase of tritanium pre-fab bricks.
"Help! Help! The big, bad Borg is coming."
The third little starfleet officer quickly let them in,
and sealed the airlock. [So who cares about reality anyways.]
The Borg came. He opened hailing frequencies.
"Little starfleet officers, little starfleet officers, let me beam over,"
the Borg called.
"No, no, by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin,
I won't let you in," said the third little starfleet officer.
"Then I'll power-up, and I'll fire phasers, and I'll blow your starbase up,"
said the Borg.
The two little starfleet officers were afraid,
But the third little strfleet officer said,
"Don't be afraid. The Borg can't blow this starbase up.
This is a very strong starbase."
He said to the Borg,
"Go ahead, fire. Blow your head off.
We're not afraid of a big, bad Borg"
So the Borg began...
He powered-up, and he fired phasers.
Then he powered-up, and he fired phasers.
then he powered-up, and fired phasers...
His engines overloaded.
His warp core melted.
His sensors overloaded.
BUT...still..
He could not blow up that starbase.
Now the Borg was mad!
He had to get those starfleet officers.
"I know what I'll do," he said.
"I'll go up the side of the starbasebrick by brick.
Then I'll slide down the docking pilon."
The three little starfleet officers heard him on the docking pilon.
"He's on the docking pilon," said Wesley.
"He'll come down through it," said Geordie.
Data said, "Quick, let's throw Wesley to the Borg..." [Just kidding.]
Data said, "Quick, get a pot of hot antimatter."
They got a pot of hot antimatter.
It was very hot!
They put it under the docking pilon.
The Borg came down the docking pilon.
PLOP!!! He fell right into the pot of hot antimatter.
"Help! Help!" cried the Borg. "I'm in hot antimatter!"
He jumped up.
He beamed out of the starbase.
He ran, and ran, and did not stop
until he got to his starship.
And he never came down the grvity well again.
The Borg still lives in his starship,
at the top of the gravity well.
Alone.
He is still big, but isn't so bad.
He never assimilates little starfleet officiers any more.
Now the three little starfleet officers live together
in the starbase of bricks.
They play and sing and are merry all day long.
"Who's afraid of the big, bad Borg,
The big bad Borg, the big bad Borg?
Who's afraid of the big bad Borg?
Tra la la la la-a-a-a!"
**** The End ****
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