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Date: Thu, 22 Sep 1994 06:52:08 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199409221352.GAA00562@netcom15.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life B.U
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 24 Jan 94 13:36:59 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life B.U
The following selections are from fido.humor
which was forwarded to me by:
Robert Dolan:wbst129UL
----------------------------------------------------
A city banker inspecting a customer's farm, pointed to a man in the
farmyard and asked, "Is that the hired hand?" The farmer, aware that banks
have a reputation for passing out impressive job titles, replied, "No, he's the
first vice president in charge of cows."
-----
A teacher of American history asked the class in a test: "What was the
reason for the Puritans coming to this country?" The best reply came from a
student the teacher had always considered the dullest pupil. The answer given
was: "They came to worship in their own way and to make everyone else do the
same."
-----
A father was discussing life with his nine-year-old son and the talk
turned to the olden days, in the late 1950's, when Dad was young. The son was
incredulous that his father could have enjoyed life way back there during the
Dark Ages when there were no CD's, VCR's, space shots, or color television.
"You know, Dad," he mused, "when I think of you as a little boy, I always think
of you in black and white."
-----
A young fellow, who was cutting up in the library, was approached by
the librarian. "Please be quiet," she said, "the people around you can't read."
"They can't?" said the boy. "Then what are they doing in the library?"
-----
A MESSAGE TO THE PRESIDENT:
When our household is faced with a financial emergency -- an
operation, a new boiler, a roof that must be replaced -- we do not hopelessly
wring our hands and say, "There is nothing before us but debt!" We pinch a
little harder. We trim. We get along without a new car or a maid or a summer
vacation. It could be done in the national household too. Remember that, sir,
and tell it to your cabinet and to Congress. There must be a good many things
the government can get along without, to stave off bankruptcy.
Phyllis McGinley
-----
A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
"In all that time -- did you ever consider divorce?" they were asked." "Oh, no,
not divorce," one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce."
-----
Walking into a noisy classroom, the instructor slapped a hand on the
desk and ordered sharply: "I demand pandemonium!" The class quieted down
immediately. "It isn't what you demand," explained the instructor, "but the way
you demand it."
-----
"REBATE -- R-E-B-A-T-E," spelled the student. "That's correct," said
the teacher. "What does it mean?" "That's when you have to put a new worm on
your fishhook."
--------------------------
Some examples of government styles
Democracy You have a cow. Everyone in your community (most of
whom have never seen a real cow and think milk is
grown in plastic containers) votes on what to do with
your cow. The option with the most votes is what
you must do.
Republic You elect or appoint some fat people (none of whom
know any more or less about cows than you do) to
wander off and decide what to do with your cow for you.
Communism (modern) The government steals your cow, milks it,
gives you sour milk, sends you to Siberia when you
complain about the milk, then has steak for dinner.
Communism (ideal Marxism) see Democracy, only add hatchets to
the voting process.
Facsism Someone steals your cows because they are of the
wrong breed. Gives you a pig, then shoots you.
Totalitarian Someone steals your cows because he can. Shoots
you *and* the pig.
Monarchy Reigning monarch involved in scandal with cow, issues
edict stating that certain cows belong to the crown.
Socialism Government takes both of your cows, kills one, milks
the other, pours milk down the drain, then pays you
a subsidy so you can afford to buy milk from someone
else's cow.
--------------------------
After years of controversy the university football coach finally
had to agree that the school was placing too much emphasis on sports and
too little on education: Though every player on the team had a letter,
only three of them knew which one it was.
--------------------------
Tis better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall.
--------------------------
I know that Christmas is still over a month away. Heard a clerk
rehearsing, "Batteries not included."
--------------------------
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his
boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the
overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the
tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
--------------------------
A couple were worried about an earthquake, so they sent their kids to
live with an aunt in the East. Two weeks later, they got a wire from
the East: "Returning kids. Send earthquake."
--------------------------
California is loaded with condos. One kid was asked by his teacher,
"What happened in 1492?"
The kid answered, "How would I know? I live on the twelfth floor!"
--------------------------
A Londoner was crossing the street when he was hit by a car. When he
woke up in the hospital with almost everything in a cast, he said, "Have
I come here to die?"
"Oh, no, sir!" the nurse said cheerfully. "You came `ere yesterdie!"
--------------------------
A sportsman went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number
of birds, aided by a dog named Salesman. Next year he returned and
asked for Salesman again. "The hound ain't no durn good now," the
handler said.
"What happened!" cried the sportsman. "Was he injured?"
"No. Some fool came down here and called him `Sales Manager'
all week instead of Salesman. Now all he does is sit on his tail and bark."
--------------------------
"I'm really worried," exclaimed Sam.
"Why?" Pete asked.
"Well, my wife read `A Tale of Two Cities' and we had twins.
Later she read `The Three Musketeers' and we had triplets. Now she's
reading `Birth of a Nation!"
--------------------------
A psychiatrist was trying to comfort a new patient who was
terribly upset. "You see, Doc," the patient explained, "my problem is
that I like shoes much better than I like boots."
"Why, that's no problem," answered the doctor. "Most people
like shoes better than boots."
The patient was elated, "That's neat, Doc. How do you like
them, fried or scrambled?"
--------------------------
A newfie goes to Toronto to seek his fortune and after a couple of
years is doing very well for himself. His brother calls from
Newfoundland to to tell him their father is very ill and probably
won't survive." Well if he dies I'll pay for the funeral, the best of
everything, spare no expense, just send me the bill" says the Toronto
newfie.
Two weeks later he gets a bill in the mail for $7500.00 He sends the
cheque off to his brother. The following week he gets a bill for
&75.00 He sends the cheque off to his brother. The following week he
gets a bill for &75.00 He sends the cheque off to his brother. The
following week he gets a bill for &75.00 He sends the cheque off to
his brother. The following week he gets a bill for &75.00.
He calls his brother and says"What the hell is going on; why do I
keep getting a bill for $75.00 every week?"
His brother tells him "Well you said spare no expense so we rented Dad
a tux."
--------------------------
At a lecture series a very poor speaker was on the platform. As
he was speaking, people in the audience began to get up and leave.
After about ten minutes there was only one man left. Finally the man
stopped speaking and asked the man why he remained to the end. "I'm the
next speaker," was the reply.
--------------------------
The new preacher, at his first service had a pitcher of water
and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached, he drank until the pitcher
of water was completely gone.
After the service someone asked an old woman of the church, "How
did you like the new pastor?"
"Fine," she said, "but he's the first windmill I ever saw that
was run by water."
--------------------------
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy
little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized
with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.
He sauntered into the store and offered two dollars for the cat.
"It's not for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable,
but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten
dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the
spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer,"
said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky
saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."
--------------------------
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three
sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was
to get one-half, the second eldest one-third, and the youngest
one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of diving 17 mules
into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule, and
drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18.
The eldest son therefore got one-half or nine; the second got
one-third or six; and the youngest got one-ninth or two. Adding up 9,
6, and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up
his mule and drove home.
--------------------------
Joe and Bill met on a street corner. When Joe said he sure was
glad to see his friend, Bill answered, "How can you see me when I'm not
even here? And I'll bet you ten dollars I can prove it!"
You're going to bet me ten dollars you're not here? Okay, it's
a bet. Go ahead and prove it."
"Am I in Chicago?"
"Nope."
"Am I in New York?"
Joe answered emphatically, "No!"
"Well, if I'm not in Chicago and I'm not in New York, that means
I'm in some other place, right?"
"That's right."
"Well, if I'm in some other place, I can't be here. I'll take
that ten dollars."
"How can I give you the money if you're not here?"
--------------------------
A man who traveled to Iran was telling a large audience about
how careless the men over there are with their wives. He said it was
not an uncommon sight to see a woman and a donkey hitched up together.
From the back of his audience a woman's voice was heard to say,
"That's not so unusual. You often see it over here, too."
--------------------------
An American, a Mexican and an Italian were robbing a bank.
And it happend that they got a lot of cash in Dollars,Pesos and Liras.
Back in there hiding place the American distributed the money to three
even shares.
"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you"
"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you"
"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you"
etc.
The Mexican told the Italian: " Well I can't stand these yankees,
but I have to admit they are honest."
--------------------------
Tired of asking the same old questions of the day's arrivals, Saint
Peter decided to ask about their automobiles. When asked what kind of
car he'd driven, one said, "A Toyota." Saint Peter pushed a button and
the applicant fell through a hole into the fiery depths below. A
second drove a Mercedes. He too went down through the hole. A third
said, "I drove a Chevy." Saint Peter opened the gates wide. "Come on
in," he said. " You've been through hell already!"
--------------------------
A women stopped at a gas station to fill up her car. WHile she
was filling her tank, gas got on her arm, she paid it no attention. She
paid the gas station attendant and left.
A little ways down the road she lit a cigarette. Unfortunely she
lit her arm in the process. Frantic she rolled down the window thinking
the wind would put out the flames. It didn't.
She pass a police car, still franticlly waving her arm out the
window. Seeing this the policemen followed and stopped the women
Once stopped the police arrested the women. Charges: Illegal
use of a FIREARM!
--------------------------
Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said,
"Let's play doctor."
The other kid said, "Okay. You operate and I'll sue!"
--------------------------
A lady driver was breaking just about every rule of the road,
and made a turn from the wrong lane into the wrong street. A policeman
whistled at her. She refused to stop. The policeman finally caught up
with her and asked, "Didn't you hear me whistle?"
The lady driver said, "When I'm driving, I don't flirt!"
--------------------------
A kid was telling his friend about the changes in his home life.
"You see, we have this new scale in the bathroom. On the bottom, it
has a dial. I keep turning it, and you can't imagine how much nicer my
mother is!"
--------------------------
Clara: My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour.
Sarah: That's nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without a subject!
--------------------------
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
--------------------------
It's not the minutes spent at the table that makes one
fat...it's the seconds.
Here's a restaurant you should try....they serve soup to nuts.
Destiny shapes our ends, but our middles are of our own chewing.
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
I used to have an hour glass figure, but the sand shifted.
--------------------------
One lady driver said it all. "The thing I hate most about
parking is that noisy crash!"
--------------------------
Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived
happily ever after.
--------------------------
In Cleveland, a guest conductor was driven crazy at rehearsals
because at least one member of the orchestra was always missing. After
the last rehearsal, he tapped for attention and said, "I want to thank
the first violinist publicly for being the only man in the entire
orchestra who had the decency to attend every rehearsal."
The first violinist hung his head. "It seemed the least I could
do," he said in a deprecating tone. "You see, I don't expect to show up
for the concert tonight."
--------------------------
Don't ever confuse an open mind with one that's vacant.
What are the odds of something happening at 12:50 p.m.?
Ten to one.
A person who helps row is too busy to rock the boat.
I try to take one day at a time, but lately several days have
attacked me at once.
--------------------------
The sales rep asks the engineer:
"So what do you want Santa to bring you this year?"
Answer:
"A project with requirements in touch with reality might be nice."
--------------------------
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast!
I have a black belt in karate. It's not that I'm good.
It's just that I never wash it!
Did you hear of the poor black-belt karate champ who broke his
hand trying to cut a Christmas fruitcake in half?
--------------------------
Competition for the market is keen among the New York
newspapers. Not long ago, a famous actress was hospitalized. Looking
for a scoop, the POST sent a lady reporter out to get the story. She
was to dress up as a nurse, sneak into the hospital, and interview the
actress.
The next day the reporter returned to the office. Her editor
asked, "Did you get the story?"
The lady reporter said, "No. I got thrown out by the doctor
from the DAILY NEWS!"
--------------------------
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