Article 214005 of rec.humor:
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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life B.M
Message-ID: [cate3DIExA9.Gt9@netcom.com]
Organization: Cate3's Classic Comedy
Date: Tue, 21 Nov 1995 21:34:57 GMT
Lines: 427
Sender: cate3@netcom15.netcom.com
Date: 23 Dec 93 13:29:52 PST (Thursday)
Subject: Life B.M
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------------------------------------------------------------
From the humor list: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
The day after her husband's death, the widow met with the funeral director.
"What would you like to say in the obituary?"
"Tollman died," she replied.
"That's much too short. You should have at least five words."
"All right, how about 'Tollman died. Golf clubs for sale.'"
------------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
An Egyptian professor who was teaching accounting at an American university was
taken for the first time to play golf by a member of the university golf team.
The professor asked, "What do I do?"
"You hit the ball toward the flag on the green."
The professor teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto
the green, where it stopped an inch from the hole. "What now?"
"You're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."
"Oh, great! NOW you tell me!"
------------------------------
From: Mike Ellwood [MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK]
A western businessman was conducting his Japanese guest around the busy city.
Because of traffic congestion they used bus and underground railway. The
businessman was proud of his local knowledge of the system, and by clever use
of the map and timetable, he got them to their various destinations much
quicker than the average tourist could have done. He was particularly proud of
one trick: "There, we saved twenty minutes by changing trains and taking the
other line". The Japanese smiled broadly. When they got to their station, the
businessman hustled the other up the stairs, and out into the fresh air.
Nearby was a secluded little grassy area with some seats. The Japanese sat
down, and looked benevolently on the world passing by. "Hey, what are you
doing just sitting there?" gasped the western businessman. "Oh, I'm just using
up the 20 minutes we saved on the train".
------------------------------
From: Theresa Muir [TFD@CUNYVMS1.BITNET]
Not really an error message, but one that caught me off guard (and caused me to
laugh out loud in a place where it is frowned upon) happened while I was using
Nota Bene for a massive bibliographic project for the New York Public Library.
I've used this program almost since it first appeared and thought I saw every
message it had.
I had defined a huge bibliographic file for sorting, and was waiting for the
program to get through crunching and chewing it, while displaying the word
"Working..." It was taking a long time, and my attention wandered. When it
wandered back to the screen (the program still laboring away), I saw on the
command line, "This is a BIG file!"
------------------------------
From: Michael Greene [mikgreene@AOL.COM]
The story about college students cooperating to condition a professor to write
in the lower right hand corner of the chalk board reminded me of an apocryphal
story about Steven Wozniak, co-founder of Apple computer.
When he was an undergrad at Berkeley, he devised a little radio transmitter
that fit in his pocket. All it emitted was noise that screwed up the TV in the
student lounge. He'd turn it on and the TV picture would go south. Woz would
keep the transmitter on until somebody would get up and twiddle the TV controls
a bit and then Woz would turn the transmitter off. The hapless viewer would
start back to his chair and Woz would resume transmitting. Viewer would go back
and twiddle the controls again. Woz would eventually get the viewer to stand
on one leg with one hand on the TV to keep the picture clear.
------------------------------
From: "G.BOCCANFUSO" [T116@BLACK.LAMBTON.ON.CA]
Did you ever stop to think about the phrase:
Don't scare me like that!
Next time someone says that to you, ask how they do want to be scared.
------------------------------
From: "D. E. Gulledge" [gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
How many states are there going to be in Europe in the year 2000.
Answer: 7
Huh!
1 big Europe and 6 Yugoslavias.
------------------------------
From: Alun Richards [A.Richards@STE0409.WINS.ICL.CO.UK]
So there's this blonde checkout girl, and one of the items in the customer's
basket just won't scan. The supervisor comes over and says "We'll enter it
manually: you read out the bar code & I'll type it in". So the checkout girl
goes "err, OK: Thick-line, Thick-line, Thin-line..."
------------------------------
From: James Christian [2CHRISTIANJ@CITADEL.BITNET]
The Man and the Kitten
Zottig Hund
Coastal Carolina Mensa
The man of the house was mixing a martini, and a kitten was studying every
action intently. She watched him take the ice from the freezer. She
followed the ice into the glass. She helped him measure out the liquor, and
stared at the ritual of the spearing of the olives.
Suddenly the lemon twist slipped from the man's hand and flew across the
kitchen. The kitten couldn't believe her luck! She got there first! She bit
into the yellow twist before the man man could stop her, certain of a
wonderful treat these humans enjoy.
The kitten's face screwed up as she spit out the bitter rind. "Ah," said
the mixologist, "so you've learned ------ a rind is a terrible thing to
taste."
------------------------------
From: Sara Rummelhart [RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET]
After the plant manager finished reading the hundreds of notes dropped into the
suggestion box, he complained so others could here him, "I wish these people
would take the time to be more specific. I mean, what kind of kite? Which
lake?"
------------------------------
From: P S Gupta [P.S.Gupta@BRA0801.WINS.ICL.CO.UK]
An 8-year old asks his dad, "Hey dad, what is SEX ?". The dad is quite
embarrassed and tells him about butterflies, and birds ....
Finally, holding up a school form, the son asks,"Do I write all that
in the column marked SEX ?"
------------------------------
From: CC931CC [CC931CC@TCUAMUS.BITNET]
A merchant ordered 500 turkeys for the Christmas season. A few weeks before
the holiday, however, his sales dropped sharply.
Afraid that he wouldn't be able to sell all the turkeys, he phoned the
distributor and instructed him to "Cut my order in half!"
When his order arrived, guess what it contained?
Five hundred turkeys, of course, each cut in half!
------------------------------
From: JOHN VOGEL [JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV]
Subj: Answering Machine messages
Mine is a looney toon character Peppy La Pue. For those of you not of the
Cartoon Generation, Peppy is a Skunk with a French accent and a strong need of
romance.
"This is Peppy la Pue speaking. If you are a beautiful woman calling You may
leave your name and number, and if you are a man, fair is fair, you too may
leave the beautiful woman's name and number."
------------------------------
From: Michael G Kapfer [mkapfer@MASON1.GMU.EDU]
Subj: Answering Machine messages
One I used to use ...
.... sung to Sounds of Silence ...
Hello caller my old friend, you've reached the [last name] residence But since
right now we can't come to the phone ... leave a message at the tone PLEASE.
------------------------------
From: Amy Abare [ABARE@SMCVAX.SMCVT.EDU]
Subj: Answering Machine messages
Here's one my friends did, however I can't remember their lines, but you could
make up your own..it's the idea of this one that counts!
They filled glasses of water and raised them to their lips. Then they gurgled
into the machine.."Hello..you have reached the home of the Little Mermaid.
(Names of persons) are out playing with flounder and sebastian.....blah blah
blah......."
It turned out great!! And they had fun doing it...it took them an hour to get
it right, and they were soaked....Have fun!!
------------------------------
From: Ajit Limaye [A.Limaye@BRA0504.WINS.ICL.CO.UK]
Did you know that Clinton's dog can play Chess ?
Inside Information: The dog isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time
they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.
------------------------------
From: Mike Ellwood [MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK]
On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to her
little boy - who kept answering her in Hebrew. And each time, the mother said:
- no no, talk Yiddish!'
An impatient Israeli, overhearing this, exclaimed: "lady, why do you insist the
boy talk Yiddish instead of Hebrew?' Replied the mother: 'I don't want him to
forget he's a Jew.'
(From: "The jOYys of Yiddish", by Leo Rosten, 1968, Available in Penguin.)
------------------------------
From: Phil Corless [APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET]
In addition to my job with a package-delivery company, I'm an emergency medical
technician and volunteer firefighter. As I drove home from work one day, I
heard a radio call about a woman in labor. I went to the address and, sizing
up the situation, told the expectant mother, "You're going to have this baby
right here, in the living room."
The birth was perfect. After I announced she had a beautiful, healthy baby
girl, the mother looked at me and saw the emblem on my shirt. "Oh, my gosh!"
she gasped. "My baby was delivered by UPS!"
------------------------------
From: Phil Corless [APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET]
Q: What's the difference between a Mississippi tornado and a Mississippi
divorce?
A: Not a thing... either way you lose the trailer.
------------------------------
From: Bill [BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
Real case. (April 1 is always an exciting day here at Swarthmore!)
A tour was scheduled some time in the morning. Someone arrived a little early
at the admissions office and claimed to be the tour guide. Without knowing any
better, the dozen or so kids and parents followed him or her into the hall and
took the "tour." Several notable events.
1-We have a very pretty outdoor amphitheater with lots of trees and whatnot, a
very mystic place and all the tours go there. A group was practicing naked
Ti-Chi down in the center.
2-In the computing center: Suddenly two students leap up and start having a
screaming, book-swinging fight over exactly who's computer it was and that they
had a paper due in an hour and so forth (the place is often full to the max so
this, though, unusual, did not draw too much comment from the other students.)
3-While walking past the computer science building/observatory, a student
leaned his head out a window and screamed something about "I can't take it any
more I just can't mmmpht!" as a pair of hands covered his mouth and dragged
the guy back in. The window was then shut rather firmly and the shades drawn.
4-In a dumpster next to the dining hall, a student could be vaguely seen
rummaging around. After a few minutes, he was seen to produce a hamburger,
stick it in his jacket pocket, and run off towards the library. When the tour
finally got there, they saw him again crouched in a corner eating the burger
and staring at passers by rather defensively.
I have no idea if any of the people on that tour ended up coming here or not,
but I certainly would have...
------------------------------
From: Grady Lacy [glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
Several were talking recently about the change from daylight saving time to
standard time, and I thought I'd share this info that my father recently told
me, and which I find amusing.
Whenever it comes time to change to daylight saving time, a goodly number of
farmers in the rural parts of Georgia grumble as they have since the Universal
Time Act was passed by Congress and Georgia had to start observing DT. "It's a
bunch of nonsense, all this fooling with the clock. The chickens expect to be
fed and the cows expect to be milked at the same time regardless of what the
clock says. They don't know that the clock has been changed!" These are some
of the complaints one hears. There are, of course, others. I remember some
people who, when DT was first introduced by the Universal Time Act, stated
emphatically that they weren't going to set their clocks to some time that
should be in effect somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean! After some 30 years there
are still people who grumble about the time change.
My father were and I recently talking about this, and he told me that his
father, who was born in the 1870's felt the same way when standard time was
introduced. He never accepted standard time. He would, once a month, use his
almanac to find out what time the sun was supposed to rise at the meridian and
latitude that his farm was located, rise before sun-up and set his watch, and,
then, correct the clock in the farmhouse. My dad said that this caused some
interesting problems for him and his siblings when they were in their late
teens. Grandfather would tell them to be home by 10 p.m., and he meant by the
clock at home, but the county in which they lived was running on Central Time
and the county just 5 miles east was running on Eastern Time (Georgia was split
between 2 time zones then). He said that at times they felt like they needed
three watches.
I think that this shows us that there is really nothing new under the sun.
------------------------------
From: Prasanna Bhalerao [U.B.R.ICIM@REA2101.WINS.ICL.CO.UK]
There were once these two superstores called SUPER and DUPER somewhere downtown
in some town in the US. SUPER was, as its name indicated, doing great business
with sales soaring day by day while DUPER was all in doldrums. So the manager
of DUPER decided that something must be done immediately. Formulating an action
plan he called one of his salesmen and told him "You must go to the SUPER
supershop and find out how they run their business. Investigate as much as you
can". The young salesman left and started snooping around the shop. Presently
he came across a salesman selling his merchandise to a customer. So this is
what he heard.
Salesman: "So Sir, you have decided to go on fishing, eh! For fishing you will
need Fishing Rods. Have you got any?"
Customer: "Nope!"
S: "Well sir, we have some excellent ones round here. Take this one! It is
worth $20. But hold on Sir, you don't look like you would prefer such an
ordinary one. You are more sophisticated, aren't you?"
C: (highly pleased) "Oh, yes!"
S: "Exactly as I thought. So I've another one for you over here. It is worth
only $200 and guaranteed to give you a great catch."
The customer quite impressed and pleased decided to buy it.
S: "Now Sir, you will need some bait! We have the best quality this way Sir!".
The customer buys a few tins of bait.
S: "Sir, you might also like some nets for small fish, wouldn't you?"
C: "Yes"
S: "Well here are some excellent quality nets". The man buys those too.
S: "Now let me see! You will need containers to keep your catch, won't you? And
since you are such a good angler you will catch quite a few and at least need
three big ones to keep your fish"
C: "Yes"
S: "Well here are containers for you Sir! But do you have a boat sir?"
C: "No"
S: "Well here is a good boat worth only $1500. Would you like it?"
C: "Yes"
S: "Well Sir, there you are. That will be $1800. Happy fishing, Sir!"
The customer flashes out his Credit Card and settles his bill. The salesman
from DUPER who was witnessing all this, was thoroughly impressed and came to
the SUPER salesman and said "My! That was some selling! That guy came only to
buy a fishing rod and you sold him the entire package! That was excellent!!".
To this the SUPER salesman replied "Oh, you think so? Man that was nothing!
Just between you and me. That man had just come to buy some sanitary napkins.
So I suggested to him that as he had nothing to do for the next four days, why
doesn't he as well go fishing!"
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
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