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Date: Thu, 11 Aug 1994 07:02:02 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199408111402.HAA09430@netcom8.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life B.I
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 21 Dec 93 15:33:38 PST (Tuesday)
Subject: Life B.I
The following was sifted out of rec.humor:
----------------------------------------------------
From: johnson@sleipnir.pb.wes.mot.com ("Johnson")
Q: What's the difference between a flight attendant and a jet engine?
A: The engine quits whining when it gets to the terminal.
----------------------------------------------------
The UnPlastic News #9 - The Prank Issue
From: ae432@Freenet.carleton.ca (Rick Savoury)
--------------------------
My sister was the butt on this one.... She had a box turtle who
lived in a terrarium in her room. I haunted pet shops and bought a
series of turtles, as identical as possible, but getting smaller and
smaller. She was quite concerned....
After a while, I got tired of the game, so I reversed the process till
she had the original (who was bigger by now) back, and took the rest
down to the woods and let them loose.
--------------------------
I read about this in the Globe & Mail, Canada's National Newspaper.
The lead actor in Macbeth had fired a performer during a run at the
Stratford Festival one afternoon. The extra's last performance, then,
was that evening.
For those of you unfamiliar with Macbeth, it is the Bard's tale of a man
filled with ambition that sacrifices everything in order to achieve his
greedy dreams. When he finds out his wife is dead, he launches into a
very dramatic monologue.
When Macbeth asks, however, as to the status of his wife, instead of
hearing of her untimely demise, the extra said,
"She is doing very much better, my lord."
--And walked off the stage, leaving Macbeth alone, front and centre, in
front of a sold out house.
Leslie Rosenblood lrrosenblood@descartes.uwaterloo.ca
----------------------------------------------------
The following is stuff sifted out of rec.humor by
chibnik@reach.com (Ron Chibnik)
--------------------------
]From: naccarat@eclipse.sheridanc.on.ca (Rob Naccarato)
Actually, here's a pretty good one to get all the guys in a
better mood after a couple of holes played really badly:
Why did they call this game "golf"?
Because all the other 4-letter words were taken.
--------------------------
]From: filfeit@rael.Tymnet.COM (Fil Feit)
My computer beat me at chess.
But it's no match for me at kickboxing.
--------------------------
]From: lipton@dorsai.dorsai.org (Robert Bryan Lipton)
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven, where he is brought before God. "A lawyer,
eh?" says God (who seems to be Canadian). "We've never had a lawyer in Heaven
before. Argue a point of the law for my edification."
The lawyer goes into panic and says "Oh, God, I cannot think of an argument
worthy of your notice. But I'll tell you what: you argue a point of the law
and I'll refute you."
(also told about rabbis)
--------------------------
]From: laniege@lab3 (Glenn E Lanier)
In one of the neighboring towns a man robbed (almost!) a bank.
He gave a note to the teller saying something along the lines of
This is a bank robbery. Put all the money in my
savings account ###-##-####-####
or so.... He didn't get much.... 10 to 20 with time off for good
behavior....
----------------------------------------------------
The following is stuff sifted out of rec.humor by
neil@robots.ox.ac.uk
--------------------------
From: hadwin@sg1.NoSubdomain.NoDomain (Mr M.A. Hadwin)
On being told that his Jewish friend was not allowed to swim on in the sea on a
certain beach as the club that owned it did not allow Jewish members,
Groucho Marx said: 'Can I go in upto my waist, I'm only half Jewish'
--------------------------
From: fred_l@aci1.aci.ns.ca (FREDERICK LAJOIE)
I recently read an article on thought-controlled computers.
I guess that means the government can't use it.
--------------------------
From: alrobins@saturn.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson)
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds
as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't
you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she
continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply *will not* ask
for directions."
----------------------------------------------------
The following is stuff sifted out of rec.humor by
Cheryl Pence
--------------------------
From: trew@def.bae.co.uk (Simon Trew)
death
/-\
life = |(happiness)d.t.
\_/
birth
(Life is an integral function of happiness over the time between birth
and death).
--------------------------
From: laurel@netcom.com (Laurel Edgecomb)
Actually God does have a Honda, Jesus borrowed it as we
know from the passage, "I come here, not of my own Accord."
--------------------------
From: dalel@advtech.uswest.com ( Dale Lee)
The views expressed within are not necessarily the views of my employer.
They may be the views of my dogs, who have been subliminally programming
me while I sleep.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Peter Yee [yee@atlas.arc.nasa.gov]
--------------------------
From: brent@mtechca.maintech.com
Not by Mr. Berra, but by some other Major League
manager whose name escapes me ....
On his team's 4-4 record against [insert
team/pitcher/sunday school here], he responded:
"It could easily have been the other way around."
--------------------------
From: cdkelly@inland.com
A friend was down under in Austrila (sp) when M&M where first marketed
there. An Aussie asked how they like M&M. He replied great, but
they are really hard to peel.
--------------------------
From: sdh4@crux1.cit.cornell.edu (Stephen D. Holland)
Seen on the door to a lecture hall at Cornell:
History 323
The American Dream
has moved
(to some other lecture hall)
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Bill Nickless [nickless@mcs.anl.gov]
--------------------------
From: mycroft@monolith.utexas.edu (Alex Currier)
Seen in the physics department of a major university...
Speed Limit C
Violators will be
annihilated.
--------------------------
From: bernd@bhprtc.scpd.oz.au (Bernd Wechner)
Hua Li writes:
]The best professor uses examples to make complicated things obvious.
]The worst professor uses examples to make obvious things complicated.
The poor programmer comments in english to explain his C to people.
The good programmer comments in C to explain his english to computers.
--------------------------
From: lwang@nss10.ninds.nih.gov (Lipo Wang)
Two tourists in Africa decided to do some lion-hunting.
When they found some lion footprints, one of the
tourists got scared. He whispered to his partner:" You
follow this prints forward and find out where the lion
is going. I'll follow these prints backward and find out
where the lion came from."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
watts@lams.msd.lmsc.lockheed.com (Robyn M Watts)
--------------------------
From: v140pxgt@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (Daniel B Case)
Subject: Re: shortest books ever written
Wayne M. Syvinski (syvinski@badlands.NoDak.edu) wrote:
How about the following for the list of World's Shortest Books:
Promises Kept by President Clinton
Presidential Decisions Not Made by Hillary Clinton
Vice-President Gore's Handbook for Industrial and Economic Growth
The Contribution of High Taxation to Economic Growth
A Complete History of Soviet Democracy
Democratic Budget Cuts
Issues I Haven't Backed Down On - by Bill Clinton
--------------------------
chris@siemens-can.com (Christian v. Normann) writes:
] I went to a car rental center when I wrecked my truck for a temporary
] replacement.
]
] The rep pointed out the window at a small GEO and asked if that was
] ok. I looked out and said, "Yeah, thats real nice. You got one for
] the other foot?"
--------------------------
From: israel.silverman@cdreams.com (Israel Silverman)
I'm an undergraduate at Harvard, in chemistry. The other day when i
went to lab I saw, on the big bottles and flasks where we dump those
chemicals it's illegal to dump into the sink, various labels saying,"DO NOT
DRINK!" I thought it must be a joke, so I asked my lab section leader---sure
enough, it wasn't. People had really drunk from those bottles.
And i thought smart people went to my college.
--------------------------
From: lipton@dorsai.dorsai.org (Robert Bryan Lipton)
In New York City several years ago, they used to store unused subway trains in
in the railyards, surrounded by walls and barbed wire. Nonetheless, kids were
getting in to spray paint graffitti. So they got guard dogs. Suit was
brought successfully to get rid of the guard dogs because they were injuring
kids who came in to graffitti the cars.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Alan E. Nicoll:ES AE
--------------------------
Around 1979/80 there was an LP record available (in the North of England
at least) entitled "The Wit and Wisdom of Ronald Reagan" and it was
completely blank.
After Reagan was shot, it was re-released, it was still completely
blank, but badly scratched...
--------------------------
*Lumberjack talking about chopping down the great Sahara Forest*
Fisherman: "Wait a minute! Shahara's a desert!"
Lumberjack: "It is now!"
--------------------------
There was this turtle walking down the street, and he gets mugged by two snails. So he walks into the police station to report it. So the policeman asks what happened. So the turtle answers "Well I was going down the High Street at about 11 o'clock this morning, and I got mugged by these two snails." So the policeman asks "Can you give me a description of your attackers then ?" And the turtle says "No, I'm sorry, I can't, officer. You see, it all happened so quickly !"
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
danieln@sybase.com (Daniel Nitschke)
--------------------------
From: al@escom.com (Al Donaldson)
wolvie@cybernet.cse.fau.edu (christopher motherway) writes:
]IN OTHER NEWS: President Bill Clinton announced yesterday that over
]6,000 more troops will be sent to Somalia to protect and bring back U.S.
]troops already stationed there.
A White House insider, commenting on Clinton's announcement the other
day, said "It may look inconsistent to announce a withdrawal and to
increase troop strength at the same time but, in fact, it is not."
--------------------------
From: shoemakerb@delphi.com (Bill Shoemaker)
Subject: Re: bumper sticker
If you think health care is expensive now,
JUST WAIT UNTIL IT'S FREE!!
--------------------------
gary@sci34hub.sci.com (Gary Heston) writes:
:Right now, there is a lawyer in this area trying to get charges against his
:clients thrown out, who were caught in the act on videotape, claiming that
:the convenience store didn't have signs up announcing the surveilance cameras
:were around. And besides, it's not clear enough to show his clients shooting
:the clerk seven or eight times with rifles.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
tonyp@cnvxla.convex:com
--------------------------
I have a similar one. I am standing at an elevator bank and have obviously
pressed the button, becuase it's lit up, and someone will come along and
press it again. That's like, "Well, YOU didn't press it correctly, because
an elevator isn't here yet." Like the elevators notice that the button
has only been pressed once, but when it's pressed more than that they
hurry up or something... *sigh*
--------------------------
From: slinberg@hamp.hampshire.edu
A few years ago I ordered some software from a mail-order company. When
I got the disk, it was blank. I called them up and they said to return
it and they'd replace it - but *I* had to pay for the return shipment.
I was none too pleased.
I marched down to the post office and handed the package to the guy
behind the counter, saying "I'd like to send this 'most likely to be
stomped, abused and lost' class please."
He cheerfully took it, saying "No problem, we can do that!"
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
edmond@quincy.inria.fr (Patrick Edmond)
--------------------------
From: wgo10@cus.cam.ac.uk (W.G. O'Brien)
Famous Last Words
=================
27. No, darling! I'm sure they drive on the left over here in France.
25. Actually, there's a knack to opening these supersonic aeroplane
windows.
22. You will take a cheque, won't you cabbie?
20. Patchy fog? On this road! Don't make me la...
18. Of coursh I'm frit to dive.
16. It says: Achtung! Minefield. That's German for 'Welcome to Munich'
isn't it?
7. Two front berths on the Titanic please.
2. Pass me a hanky; I'm going to wipe the foam off that dog's mouth.
1. So, this is Beirut.
--------------------------
From: dvesely@alcor.concordia.ca ( DAVID F VESELY )
Oscar Wilde (the great aesthete) said upon his death bed:
"Either this wallpaper goes or I do"
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
"Kelly Hall" [hall@leopard.cs.byu.edu]
--------------------------
From: dehrendorf@mzdmza.zdv.uni-mainz.de (BALU)
OBFact : Corsican soccer enthusiast Jean-Marc Luccheti averted a certain goal
being scored against his team by shooting the ball in mid-air with
a revolver. He was jailed for three months.
--------------------------
From: McDonald@MyFarm.com
What do you call a movie about...
giant prehistoric dogs?
Jurassic Bark
giant prehistoric birds?
Jurassic Lark
giant prehistoric animals who escape a flood?
Jurassic Ark
giant prehistoric fish?
Jurassic Shark
giant prehistoric nuclear physicists?
Jurassic Quark
giant prehistoric pyromaniacs?
Jurassic Spark
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
James R Davidson:Wbst128
--------------------------
From: MMCHUGH@delphi.com
In my first *real* job, I was not only responsible for programming but
I also did customer support and training. Our company used to sell time
on our computers so very small companies that couldn't afford computers
at the time could do their bookkeeping, etc. One day, a new woman came
in to use the trash-... i mean TRS-80 (boy I'm really dating myself ;-)
She fumbled about for about 10 minutes but I paid no attention to her.
Finally she came out & grumbled something about how the computer wouldn't
turn on. I grilled her with the usual obvious questions: Did you turn the
switch on? Did you plug it in? Did you turn on the switch on the power
strip? She was sure she had done everything right. I was sure she neglected
to plug one of the power cords into the power strip.
So, I went to investigate and she was *RIGHT*, she *HAD* plugged everything
in to the power strip... including the power strip's own power cord - talk
about a ground loop!
--------------------------
From: syvinski@badlands.NoDak.edu (The RushClone)
One hundred eighty-seven Republicans walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve Republicans!"
A Republican says, "You're taxing our patience!"
One hundred eighty-seven Democrats walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve.........!"
The Democrats shut him up and filed a discrimination complaint.
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