Date: 1 Dec 93 12:57:06 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life B.E
To add yourself send to LISTSERV@TAMVM1.bitnet the command SUB WHIM Firstname
Lastname, as the first line in the message. Whim is a discussion list for
"Humour Studies"
------------------------------------------------------------
Selections are from: WHIM@TAMVM1.TAMU.edu
From: Crerie@EAGLE.MIT.EDU (Phyllis Crerie)
I received this today from a pen pal from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada:
There had been a dead mule in front of the church for two days, and the Priest
decided he had better do something about it. He phoned the local board of
health to complain.
"This is Father McFadden", he said, "and there has been a dead mule in front of
my church for the last two days."
The man at the board of health thought he would be smart, and said, "I thought
you Priests took care of the dead!"
"We do," said McFadden, "but first we get in touch with their relatives."
------------------------------
From: "don l. f. nilsen" [ATDFN@ASUACAD.BITNET]
A king called into his court a famous punster and told him that there was
a rumor that this punster could form a pun on any subject whatsoever. The
punster replied, "I can. Upun what subject would you like me to pun?"
The king replied, "Make a pun on the subject of Kings." The punster
replied, "I'm sorry, but the King is not a subject."
------------------------------
From: CARONTA@SNYPLAVA.BITNET
My 3 year old son and I were watching a National Geographic special on the
environment around the Andes mountains. We both exclaimed as we witnessed a
huge chunk of a glacier falling into the water below.
Relating the event later as "the ice broke off and fell.."
My son added, " yeah, now we have to fix that ice"
------------------------------
From: RMUELLER@MIDD.BITNET
An airplane was flying over the Gulf of Mexico to New Orleans when it developed
serious engine problems and was destined to crash. The passengers were Gov.
Edwards, David Duke, and Jimmy Swaggart. Which did God decide to save?
A. Louisiana.
------------------------------
From: RMUELLER@MIDD.BITNET
On Monday, the Senate Ethics Committee said that Congress treated the House
bank like it was "Monopoly" money. I can't wait to see them when they try to
use that "Get Out of Jail Free" card!
President Bush was in Arkansas last week to present the Medal of Freedom to
Walmart founder Sam Walton. Actually, Walton owes a debt of gratitude to
President Bush. Without Bush's economic plan, discount stores like his
wouldn't be doing NEARLY as well....
Apparently there was some tension between Bush and Walton. I guess Sam Walton
is still pretty angry with President Bush for buying those cheap socks at J.C.
Penney last year.
On the Democratic side, it looks like its Bill Clinton versus Jerry Brown.
Quite a choice....isn't it? So what do you want? A guy who promises you the
moon....or one who just lives there?
Jerry Brown is doing better than most people thought. Still in the race! Brown
continues to run on the environmental issues. Isn't it ironic that someone who
has spent so little time on earth would be so concerned with saving the
planet?
------------------------------
From: "BEN CURTIS, MIDDLEBURY COLLEGE, VERMONT" [BCURTIS@MIDD.BITNET]
Bill Clinton is showing surprising strength in Hawaii. People are voting for
him because they think he played Dano on "Hawaii Five-O." --Kevin Nealon
------------------------------
From: "BEN CURTIS, MIDDLEBURY COLLEGE, VERMONT" [BCURTIS@MIDD.BITNET]
Jerry Brown said that he is against the death penalty, except in certain
cases. Like if the electric chair was solar powered--that would be O.K.
-Jay Leno
------------------------------
From: "BEN CURTIS, MIDDLEBURY COLLEGE, VERMONT" [BCURTIS@MIDD.BITNET]
Bill Clinton has 991 delegates and Jerry Brown has 991 dollars. --Kevin Nealon
------------------------------
From: "Ian P. Mitchell" [22016@UCDASVM1.ADMIN.UCALGARY.CA]
Several years ago there was a radio show in Britain called "My Word". Two teams
had to answer questions about word/phrase origins, definitions etc. At the
start of the program the two guys (Frank Muir and Dennis Norden) were given a
well-known phrase or saying about which they had to compose a story, using the
phrase as the tag line. Some of the stories were even published as
collections.....
One of my faves was about this Indian (sorry, native American) who lived up in
the frozen north. He suffered greatly from the cold and was always trying to
find ways to keep himself warm. The most intense cold came when he had to
paddle down the river in his canoe. He tried *everything*.......... extra
clothes, putting a cover on the canoe, paddling backwards, *everything* but to
no avail.
Until one day, he had a brilliant idea. He would take a branch from the
communal fire and light a small one in his boat. This he did, but of course,
the boat caught fire and was burnt to a cinder. Moral: you can't have your
kayak and heat it.......
------------------------------
From: RMUELLER@MIDD.BITNET
There were three men fishing in the Baltic Sea:
A German, a Pole, and a Russian. One of them landed a magical golden fish.
The fish said to them, "Set me free, and I will grant you each a wish." The
Russian requested that Germans would disappear from the face of the earth. The
German requested that all Russians would disappear from the face of the earth.
When the Pole was asked for his wish, he replied, "Go ahead and grant the other
two." *Poof* *Poof* the German and Russian disappeared. "Now," the fish asked,
"What is your wish?"
"I'd just like a glass a vodka, if you don't mind" the Pole said.
------------------------------
From: "don l. f. nilsen" [ATDFN@ASUACAD.BITNET]
These three are from Don Hauptman's new book, CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNS (Dell,
1992):
What's the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student?
One baits hooks; the other hates books.
...between an instructor and a locomotive engineer?
One trains the mind; the other minds the train.
...between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws; the other has a pause at the end of its
clause.
------------------------------
From: zane_clark@CSUFRESNO.EDU
"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your
temper or your self-confidence."
-Robert Frost
------------------------------
From: "don l. f. nilsen" [ATDFN@ASUACAD.BITNET]
QUESTION: What Are the University of Arizona's two favorite football teams?
ANSWER: The University of Arizona and whoever is playing Arizona State Univ.
------------------------------
From: IPW [WILSONT@SSCVAX.CIS.MCMASTER.CA]
Q: Why are all blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can understand them, of course ...
------------------------------
From: FAC_DRAKE@WSC.COLORADO.EDU
"I'm so sad, my husband played poker last night and lost fifty dollars"
"That's sad, but it could be worse"
"How's that?"
"Well, he might have WON fifty dollars"
------------------------------
From: "don l. f. nilsen" [ATDFN@ASUACAD.BITNET]
Assiduously I am attending
The limerick message I'm sending;
I can get up to here,
But alas and oh dear,
Now what do I do for an ending?
------------------------------
From: michael jensen [jensen@UNLINFO.UNL.EDU]
Democracy in the electronic age requires a nation of watchdogs, each of us
unfenced and unleashed.
------------------------------
From: Louis Jezsik [jezsik@PX1.STFX.CA]
I've been watching commercials a little more closely these days. They are
certainly a good source of amusement. The one I hear more and more is a
statement made about any cosmetic product. It seems that it must be good if it
is "clinically tested!" Gimme a break ...
------------------------------
From: Sean McCrohan [93SMCCROHAN@VAX.MBHS.EDU]
BELOMANCY n. Predicting the future by the use of arrows. The future of
reigning British royalty was accurately foretold in this fashion at the Battle
of Hastings.
------------------------------
From: Bob Kamper [KAMPER@NERVM.NERDC.UFL.EDU]
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hassan.
Hassan Who?
Hassan anybody here seen my sweet gypsy rose?
------------------------------
From: Bob Kamper [KAMPER@NERVM.NERDC.UFL.EDU]
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Hominy.
Hominy who?
Hominy roads must a man walk down, before you call him a man?
------------------------------
From: dm [ATDNM@ASUACAD.BITNET]
Well, I have the most INOFFENSIVE joke in the world. I am sure some of you
have heard it and if not, try it sometime. It's a Knock-knock joke. Tell
someone, "Say, I know a great knock-knock joke I bet you`ve never heard!" "OK,
what is it?" Then you say, "you start." They will say, "Knock knock".
Quickly, you say "Who's there?"
------------------------------
From: JWELSH1@ITHACA.BITNET
In the supermarket, they play music while you shop- it makes you crazy, makes
you lose your mind; work there for a while. And I'm told you'll get to like it,
I don't work in supermarkets anymore-
(Joe Jackson)
------------------------------
From: 73256.3042@compuserve.com (Phil Salkie)
[About Waco]
I can't believe that the FBI, with all its resources, didn't know what would
happen once they sent the tanks in. After all, even a first-year medical
student knows that a compound fracture is always followed by an inflammation.
------------------------------
From: ajayvac@BGUMAIL.BGU.AC.IL
There was a kind curate of Kew
Who kept a large cat in a pew
There he taught it every week
A new letter of Greek
But it never got further than Mu
------------------------------
From: SALLY WATERS [WATERS@STETSON.BITNET]
Did you know that there was one more reindeer - a tenth one, that came after
Rudolph?
His name was Olive - Olive the other reindeer....
------------------------------
From: Ragna Briem [rbriem@ISMENNT.IS]
In Iceland we tell jokes about "Hafnfir d-ingar" (a village in Iceland). One
goes like this:
How many villagers from Hafnafj o:r d-u do you need to milk a cow?
Answer: Eight. Four to hold the udders and four to lift the cow up and down.
Greetings from Iceland. Ragna Briem and Agnethe.
------------------------------
From: Jeffrey_Herwatt.LOTUS@CRD.lotus.com
Subject: The Real PC little Red Ridinghood
JEFFREY HERWATT INSISTS THAT THIS IS THE REAL PC VERSION OF RED RIDING HOOD.
OK. IF HE WANTS TO TAKE CREDIT FOR IT, OK! HERE IT IS AND THANKS TO J.H. FOR
ALL OF OUR CONTINUED AMUSEMENT. . . ACH
RRH - the "real" PC version.
There once (though possibly additional non-mentioned coincidentally similar
events have occurred) was a youth-enabled individual, who's biological sexual
state is being withheld due to her status as a minor, and was known as
"differently hued garment of the transportation variety with additional
protective head gear attached".
One day her parent of non disclosed sex or sexual orientation, requested of
"differently hued garment of the transportation variety with additional
protective head gear attached", the deliverance of a woven container filled
with non-mass produced edible items to the parent of "differently hued garment
of the transportation variety with additional protective head gear attached"'s
parent.
While perambulating in a normal mode for "differently hued garment of the
transportation variety with additional protective head gear attached"'s
physical attributes, through the tree-enabled section of the vicinity, being
careful to avoid damage or destruction to the environment, "differently hued
garment of the transportation variety with additional protective head gear
attached" was confronted by an endangered species enabled Canine-American known
to inhabit the area although prior to this occurrence was unknown to be
speech-enabled. This endangered species enabled Canine-American politely
requested information pertaining to the contents of the container and was
informed by "differently hued garment of the transportation variety with
additional protective head gear attached" of its various non-mass produced
edible items. A further request was then made as to the destination of the
container. "differently hued garment of the transportation variety with
additional protective head gear attached" replied by i
When "differently hued garment of the transportation variety with additional
protective head gear attached" arrived and entered the dwelling, various
remarks of health and appearance notations were made between the two parties
whereupon the brain-disabled "differently hued garment of the transportation
variety with additional protective head gear attached" was made aware that the
individual wearing the garments of the parental parent was not in fact the
parental parent. At noticing the discrepancy, "differently hued garment of the
transportation variety with additional protective head gear attached", began
volume-enhanced verbalizing of the situation, whereupon a forestry engineer in
the vicinity arrived and attempted to extricate "differently hued garment of
the transportation variety with additional protective head gear attached" from
the situation by utilizing a sharp-edge enabled tool to death-enable the
endangered species enabled Canine-American whereupon an individual from the
National Parks and Wildli
The two were sentenced to 25 years each, and are currently prison-enabled in
Alcatraz, and the endangered species enabled Canine-American lived happily ever
after.
------------------------------
From: LINGSUP@antnov1.aukuni.ac.nz
The following message was sent to me by my (non-linguist) colleague Bob ("The
Iowan") Palmer (rlp@antnov1.auckland.ac.nz). I thought it might amuse those
interested in speech act theory
Raining cats and dogs
One of the most popular ways of describing a heavy spring, summer, or fall
rainfall is its "raining cats and dogs". It does not, of course actually
rain cats and dogs. However, this term appears to have been derived out
of incident that took place during the summer of 1922 in Watapama Iowa.
Watapama (don't bother to look for it on a map, it's no longer there),
located on picturesque Lake Olie (it's not there anymore either), was
caught in the center of some climatological catastrophe (that's why
neither one still exist - you can't even find the spot on the map where
they used to be). Eyewitness reports say that Watapama and Lake Olie were
pulled off the planet in some "really strong updraft". For several weeks
after this natural catastrophe, much of the upper midwest experienced
rainfall that contained bits and pieces of Watapama, cars, tin cups, cows
and of course, dogs and cats. Leland Anderson of Sodom Gomorrah was,
according to local legend, the first person to use the phrase "raining
cats and
If during your visit to the midwest a discussion comes up debating the
origins of this term, it is best to avoid partaking in this conversation,
unless you are well versed in the version that you find to be the most
credible, and are willing to go to fisticuffs to support your statements.
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with
15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail
to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject.
Or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page