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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199407261348.GAA24554@netcom4.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life B.D
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 30 Nov 93 13:24:29 PST (Tuesday)
Subject: Life B.D
The following was sifted out of rec.humor:
----------------------------------------------------
From: darsie@eecs.ucdavis.edu (Richard Darsie)
Subject: Canonical List of Kid Stories
Here's a collection which I've culled from misc.kids over the last
6 months or so...
--------------------------
Billy often says things to one of us and we'll ask him to repeat
it for the other parent (instead of us repeating it for him).
I was outside when Billy told Mary something. This was the
dialog when I came back in:
Mary: Can you tell daddy what you told me?
Billy: No.
Me: Why not?
Billy: I wasn't listening.
and also this weekend...(Miss Manners need not fear competition just yet)
Billy: Get me more juice.
Me: I think there's a word missing from that sentence.
Billy: Get me more juice NOW!
--------------------------
Wow, we have a different problem entirely. We get:
Anna: I want some more!
Me: More what, Anna?
Anna: I want some more, PLEASE!
Me: Umm ... More milk? More noodles? ...
--------------------------
This reminds me about a conversation that my daughter's preschool
teacher relayed to me (a few years ago):
(Sara is on the playground, flapping arms in a flying motion)
Teacher: What kind of animal are you?
Sara: I'm a pterodactyl, looking for something to eat.
Teacher: But there's nothing for you to eat.
Sara (Looking at the other kids on the playground): Yes there is!
I know that she wasn't reading Calvin & Hobbes, but perhaps she
was seeing too many nature programs with hungry predators.
--------------------------
Melissa once got out of eating broccoli by creative reasoning.
She said "George Bush does not like broccoli & he is the BIG boss...
so, if he doesn't eat it, I don't have to eat it." It was so funny
when she said it that we let her get away with not eating broccoli.
She was watching the news last night & got very concerned. With a
very serious face she asked, "Mommy, if George Bush isn't president
any more does that mean I have to eat broccoli ??"
After about 5 minutes she asked, "Can Clinton spell POTATO?"
--------------------------
OK, I'll add our political cute things they say. This is courtesy of
Joshua who will be 5 next month.
My husband and I were discussing the election and looking at the
newspaper. Joshua came up and pointed to a picture and said:
Joshua: "That's Bill Clinton."
Me: (very surprised) "That's right! He's running for president."
Joshua: "He can't be President because he lies!"
Me: (again surprised) "How did you come to that conclusion?"
Joshua: "Because the picture of President Bush said so right on the TV."
Gosh. Don't you just love these political campaigns!
--------------------------
Kina (almost 6) and Brittany (4) had the following conversation on
election day.
Britt: Today is voting day. We will have a new president.
Everybody has to vote so we can have money to build more roads so
we wouldn't have a traffic jam.
Kina: No, to build trains. (We have a light-rail measure.)
Britt: Who do you vote, Kina?
Kina: I vote for George Bush because he is the president.
Britt: I vote for the guy who wanted to go to India but ended up in
Bahamas.
Kina: Christopher Columbus! But he's DEAD!
Britt: Ya, I like him and I'm going to vote for him.
--------------------------
A woman was out working in her yard the afternoon of 10/17/89.
Her young son (2-3) turned the sprinklers on a couple of times,
getting her wet. She reprimanded him each time and finally lost
patience, collecting the kid and depositing him in his crib. She
returned to the yard and the earthquake hit a few minutes later.
There was a shriek from the house; she rushed inside to find the
kid unharmed but clearly (no pun intended) shaken. He was very
quiet and calm for the next half hour. When his father arrived
home aroun 5:30, the kid approached him with great concern and
seriousness, "Daddy, don't turn on the sprinkler."
--------------------------
I have an almost 6 yr old daughter, Jocelyn, and an
almost 4 yr old son, James. A friend came to visit recently
and asked Jocelyn if we have a dog. "No", she replied, "We have James".
--------------------------
Keje (4yo) is under the dinner table reading his "encyclopedia"
while the rest of us are still eating. At a picture of the solar
system he says:
"These are the planets and one of them is Snoopy."
Long silence in which mom and dad wreck their brains. Rianne
is the first to understand.
"No Keje, that's Pluto."
--------------------------
My wife Kathy was picking up David from kindergarten yesterday
when he exclaimed, "Mom, look at the old-fashioned car!" Expecting
to see a Model T, or maybe something from the 1930's, Kathy looked
around to see...
A Volkswagen Beetle, the kind of car she learned to drive in. I wonder
how long it'll be before he identifies my '84 Rabbit as old-fashioned?
--------------------------
This morning while changing Billy:
me: (yawn)
Billy: Are you tired?
me: Yes, I am.
Billy: Go get some sleep.
me: (astounded) Will you let me?
Billy: no!
----------------------------------------------------
The following is stuff sifted out of rec.humor by
Thomas L. Luekens:LAX1B
--------------------------
From: labrie@bnrmtl.bnr.ca (Dany Labrie)
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: fsh
--------------------------
From: castillo@media.mit.edu (Brian Anderson)
I never quite believed that it was possible for sentient adults to
behave this way, but according to CNN:
An artist in Italy had constructed a wall mounted display of plastic
cases and interconnecting tubing. The boxes had colored sand in them,
apparently a reference to the flags of individual nations. The plastic
tubing was to facilitate the movement of 5000 ants inside his creation.
The whole thing was like a kind of giant ant-farm.
Well, some animal rights activists took legal action to terminate the use
of the little buggers for such cruel purposes. The artist, in a fit
of pique (or maybe raised consciousness), released all the insects.
We may not be all that far from the time when the Polio Preservation
League sues to keep the virus from being exterminated.
--------------------------
From: fnord@cs.mcgill.ca (Andrew KUCHLING)
1) A strong belief is more important than a few facts.
2) The stronger the belief, the fewer the facts.
3) The fewer the facts, the more people killed.
- Milton Rothman
Machines take me by surprise with great frequency.
- Alan Turing
Truth I have no trouble with, it's the facts I get all
screwed up.
- Farley Mowat
--------------------------
From: dwalter@netcom.com (Donald E. Walter)
A person in my sister's office ran Word for Windows grammar check on a
document and it resulted in picking out the sentence
"However, uncertainty regarding the cost of President
Clinton's health care reform package may slow growth."
The result of grammar check was to highlight "health care reform
package" and suggest: "Consider revising. This appears to be a long
sequence of noun modifiers."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Sarah M. Elkins:Wbst139
--------------------------
From: pope@physics.su.OZ.AU (The Nightstalker)
Q: How many Heisenberg's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: If you knew how many, you wouldn't be able to find the lightbulb!
--------------------------
From: todd@athena.elcom.nitech.ac.jp (Todd Law)
It seems Clinton was explaining his new budget proposal
in the house of representatives, and the shouts and boos
were getting pretty ugly. Eventually people even started
throwing things, and one guy even tossed a beer bottle at
the president. But it's OK, you see, it was draft beer.
Ha, ha, I slay myself.
--------------------------
From: mconner@rain.atms.purdue.edu (Mark D. Conner)
Q. What's the difference between a C-5 (mil. cargo aircraft) engine and a
C-5 crew?
A. The C-5 engine stops whining at the end of the mission.
(as told to me by a C-5 crew member)
--------------------------
From: vjohnson@iws005.intel.com (Valeri Johnson)
Old Chinese Saying:
Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time
--------------------------
From: craigg@netcom.com (Roamer)
Subj: Phone machine jokes.
"Hi, this is not the Brady's or the Jefferson's, neither is it the Bates', the
Poe's, or the King's. We're just an average ordinary family and we would like
to talk to you anyway, so leave your enlightening message after the tone."
"Karma has decided that I am away at the time of your call. If you leave a
message, I promise you an enlightening response from me soon. Thank you."
"Hi, this is the Greene residence. If this is Bobby, Sammy, or Jack, please
come home directly after football practice. If this is Jenny, Samantha, or
Valerie, stay away from the mall! If this is someone from a newspaper company
we're not interested. If this is a radio station, I love your station and
please send me the $1000. If this is the collection agency, our payment is
in the mail. Anyone else can just leave their message after the tone! Thanks."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Robert Cherry:Roch817
--------------------------
From: eso001@csar12.mot.com (Scott Olson)
One way to prevent conversation from being boring
is to say the wrong thing.
-Frank Sheed
--------------------------
padutton@bigwpi.WPI.EDU (Peter Alan Dutton) writes:
"If a man does not keep step with his companions, perhaps
he hears a different drummer." Henry David Thoreau
--------------------------
From: lab@polaris.labvis.unam.mx (Cuenta huesped Labvis)
It was the paper party , all papers were dancing and drinking
- the mache paper, the chinesse paper, the cardboard paper , etc -
all of them dancing and having fun , when ..... suddenly the scissors
appeared ... everybody running all over the place because the scissors
were cutting everybody , so suddenly one paper jumped and began to fight
against the scissors , and in a while it broke the scissors....
so one of the papers asked hey!... who are you paper so he turned and said
My name is BOND , Paper BOND.
--------------------------
From: gary@sci34hub.sci.com (Gary Heston)
]From _Lan Times_ August 23, page 45:
"Winds at the South Pole blow 98 percent of the time from the
same direction...."
I guess when they're not from the north, it's either up or down....
--------------------------
From: wglahol@eis.calstate.edu (William E. Glaholt)
My computer has been formally dubbed "Frankenputer" by my friends; I have
so many working parts from other dead, non-working computers in it, it's
a Frankenstein's monster!
--------------------------
From: alrobins@algol.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson)
The new pastor of a rural church dropped into a Sunday-school class and
began quizzing the students to test the effectiveness of the teacher.
"Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?" he demanded of one boy.
"It sure weren't me, Reverend," the boy said.
Turning to the embarrassed teacher, the pastor exclaimed, "I suppose
that's a sample of the kind of discipline you maintain!"
"Now, Reverend, Timmy's a good boy and doesn't tell lies. If he said he
didn't do it, I believe him."
Thoroughly upset, the pastor took the matter to the church's board of
deacons. After due consideration, the board sent the following message to
the nonplused minister: "We see no point in making an issue if this
incident. The board will pay for the damages to the wall and charge it
off to vandalism."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Craig Abbott [chester@tartarus.uwa.edu.au]
--------------------------
David Hawkins dhawk@netcom.com
"The longest distance is between head and heart." -- Thomas Merton
--------------------------
From: jclifford@vax.cns.muskingum.edu) (jen/cliffy :)
"It's like the old pie-in-the-face routine: it stops being funny when it
starts being you."
--Stephen King, _The Stand_ (uncut)
--------------------------
From: dhenry@plains.NoDak.edu (David R. Henry)
[Normal jeans] These are your pants.
[Bell bottoms] These are your pants on drugs. Now don't do them.
--Denis Leary
"I was in Vietnam."
"So what? I live in New York."
"Really? Wow. How do you do it?"
--Denis Leary
--------------------------
From: lemberg@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu (Daniel Lemberg)
A guy comes up to me and loudly complains that our disk drives are
broken, he saves stuff onto his disk and next time he uses them his file is
gone. I ask him to show me what he is doing. Well, on the back of his disk
box it said "format before use", so guess what he did?
--------------------------
From: rdippold@qualcomm.com (Ron "Asbestos" Dippold)
All these are taken from actual PC papers, speeches, etc. The PC
psychotics were actually serious about every one of these.
Actual PC doubleplusungood concepts series:
French, Russian, and Italian salad dressings: When asked what kind
of salad dressing they prefer, African-Americans who answer with one of
these are "participating subconsciously in the drama of Europe."
Bering Strait Theory: bald attempt by Eurocentric scientists to "justify
non-Native invasion by hypothesizing that Natives were once invaders."
Presumably, the were spontaneously generated here.
Passive voice: it permits oppressors to "obscure relationships and erase
responsibility." Note that the active voice and individual responsibility
are also suspect concepts.
Reading: "reading and writing are merely technologies of control. [They are]
martial law made academic." -- Houston Baker, Jr., Modern Language Assoc.
The feminist interpretation of the Book of Genesis: because while it properly
chastizes the authors for blaming Woman for tempting Man, it fails to note
that the serpent, a defenseless nonhuman animal, is even less fairly treated.
Actual PC doublespeak series:
Deficiency acheivement: failure
Domestic incarceration survivor: housewife
Ice people: European-Americans. Materialistic, egotistical, and exploitive,
as opposed to Sun people, who are humanistic, communal, and caring.
Ice person: Mother Teresa. Sun person: Idi Amin
Least best: worst
Morally different: what we would call dishonest, immoral, evil if those terms
had any meaning. Example: Pol Pot was a morally different individual.
Overdetermined: insufficiently vague, and therefore boring
Reclaim: to take back something that has been stolen or supressed by the
dominant culture. You can reclaim what you never had, because you might have
had it if not for the dehumanizing effect of systematic oppression.
Stolen products: products taken from nonhuman animals by human animals, such
as eggs, milk, cheese, honey, and wool. Meat is murder, wool is slavery!
--------------------------
From: ez008723@othello.ucdavis.edu (Jonathan Aiello)
Along the same line, I once walked into a Taco Bell restaurant and saw
a large sign at the cash register proclaiming:
"Braille menu available."
--------------------------
From: CDWALKER@acs.harding.edu (Chris Walker)
A while back "60 minutes" or someone like that did an expose of mail-order
frauds. One as an avertisement for a $50 "solar powered clothes dryer" wich
ended up being a $2 clothes line.
--------------------------
From: sullivan@kenyon.edu (Tim Sullivan x5830)
This is definitly a visual joke, so I don't know how well it will translate
into text, but...... it is a blond joke that I didn't see in the canonical list
last time I looked. So, for the sake of completeness, here it is, but you've
really got to act it out.
This blond goes to see the doctor. The doctor needs a little preliminary
information. "How old are you?" , the doctor asks. The blond starts counting,
first the fingers, then the toes, starts back, then announces, "22". "OK", says
the doc with a little smile. "How tall are you?" The blond bends over and
starting with the feet begins to place one palm after the other, side by side,
working up to the top of the head. The blond announces "Five feet five".
"Okay-dookay" the doctor says with a slightly wider smile. "What is your name?"
The blond's head begins to rock from side to side, rythmically. This goes on
for a little bit and then stops abruptly, and the blond announces "Pat".
"OK", says the doctor, "I understood when I asked you your age and you counted
it out. I understood when I asked you your height and you measured it with your
palms. But what were you doing when your head was rocking back and forth?"
The blond's head begins to rock again as the blond begins to sing, "Happy
birthday to you, happy......."
--------------------------
From: sonix@schunix.dmc.com (Duane Morin)
I've worked closely with the sysops of a local BBS, who are always amazed at
the users that download a file from the system, decide that it's not what
they expected, and return it by re-uploading it.
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