Date: 3 Nov 93 12:21:21 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life B.5
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Sifted out of rec.humor:
From: D.Rutherford@appbio.utas.edu.au (Macfudd)
The original story of the failed suicide was a true story presented in the
British Journal of Forensic Science (or whatever similar title it used) in the
late 1800's. The petrol component was not present and the *salt* water he
swallowed caused him to throw-up the opium he swallowed.
------------------------------
Did you hear about the desperado who tried to hijack a bus full of Japanese
tourists? Fortunately, police had 5000 photographs of the suspect.
------------------------------
From: dixon@fourfold.ocunix.on.ca (dixon kenner)
A couple of years ago the last entry in the Ottawa-Hull telephone book was a
Mr. 0'Conner. A typo by a data entry clerk combined with the IBM mainframe
sorting routine (EBSDIC based) lead to this interesting occurrence.
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Stuff sifted out of rec.humor by meo@pencom:com [Miles O'Neal]
From: 123paszek@gw.wmich.edu
An Arkansas policeman comes up to another Arkansas policeman and says:
"Here's a riddle. In what month are the most babies born?"
"I don't know."
"In the ninth!"
"Ha! ha! That's funny!" says the other one and walks away. He happens to bump
into a sergeant from the National Guard, and says:
"I just heard a good riddle. In what month are the most babies born?"
"I don't know."
"October, stupid!"
------------------------------
The principal speaker at a United Givers fundraising dinner said to the
orchestra leader, "As I come to the end of my speech tonight, I'm going to call
on everyone in the audience who will pledge $100 to stand up. At exactly that
moment, I want your orchestra to play some appropriate music."
"What music," the orchestra leader asked, "Would you consider appropriate?"
"Why," said the speaker, "`The Star Spangled Banner', of course."
------------------------------
From: jomst2+@pitt.edu (Jonggu Moon)
wtull@guvax.acc.georgetown.edu writes:
Everyone says that a stopped clock is right twice a day.
What if it's on military time?
Then, "Even a stopped clock is right once a day, SIR!"
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From: rog@Ingres.COM (Roger Taranto)
Whenever we left the lights on, my father used to complain, "Do you think we
own stock in PG&E?" (PG&E is the local utility company.) So, one year my
brother bought my father one share of PG&E stock for his birthday.
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Sifted out of rec.humor by hall@leopard.cs.uidaho.edu (Kelly Hall)
From: Bob.Underdown@f1040.n391.z1.FidoNet.Org (Bob Underdown)
When Abraham Lincoln was running for Congress in the middle 1840's he ran
against a Hellfire and Brimstone Methodist Preacher who campaigned against
Lincoln, calling him a heretic because he wasn't a regular church goer.
One Sunday, Lincoln came to the Church where the Preacher was giving a
sermon and sat down in the back. The Preacher spotted Lincoln and thought
to himself, "Now I've got him..."
He spoke to the congregation and said, "I want everyone who thinks they're
going to Heaven to stand." Everyone stood except Lincoln.
Then the Preacher spoke again and said "I want everyone who thinks they're
going to Hell." Lincoln remained seated.
The Preacher thought to himself that he had Lincoln for sure now and said:
"Well Mr Lincoln, just where do you *THINK* you're going?"
Lincoln stood put his hat on and turned to leave. Over his shoulder he
said, "Well, I EXPECT to go to *CONGRESS*!"
------------------------------
An Indiana farmer took his family to the nation's capital to see how their
government worked. After visiting the House of Representatives, they went to
the Senate gallery, where the chaplain of the Senate was speaking.
"Daddy," asked the farmer's ten-year-old daughter, "does the chaplain pray for
the Senate?"
"No," said the farmer. "He comes in, looks at the Senators, and then prays for
the country."
------------------------------
From: Renee@cup.portal.com (Renee Linda Roberts)
B of A went around about a year ago, adding braille stickers to their ATM's,
including the few drive-thru's they have. I asked one of the guys that was
doing it if it was just a little insane to put them on the drive-thru ones, and
he replied, "I was told to put them on ALL of the ATM's".
------------------------------
From: dehrendorf@mzdmza.zdv.uni-mainz.de
This was a long time in the making, huh?
OBFact: After spending two hours pleading with a deranged gunman to give
himself up and come out of his house, police in Oakland, California, were
able to call the siege off when they discovered that the gunman was standing
beside them, shouting entreaties to himself.
Similarly, in East Hampton, Conneticut, a group of volunteers dragging a lake
were able to cease their efforts when a man helping them realized the
presumed drowning victim they were looking for was himself.
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Sifted out of rec.humor by Michael Rutkaus:EdServices
From: dmacks@clark.net (Daniel Ezra Macks)
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so
many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in
town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made and excuse and traveled
to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the first
pork-containing item on the menu. While he's waiting for his order to be
prepared, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and
asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree.
A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off
the platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The
congregation president is more than a little surprised. "What a fancy place,"
explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve an apple."
------------------------------
I heard about a suggestion from a friend who was talking to an ex-girlfriend
of mine (who is blonde..).
He was asking her how come a friend of hers was in the same grade at school
(okay, call me a cradle snatcher!) , yet she was a year younger than the
rest of her friends. The reply came "perhaps she was held back a
year...yes, that's probably the reason"
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From: c_burns@icrf.icnet.uk
Man rings up the mental hospital and asks who's in room 24.
"Nobody" comes the reply.
"Good" says the Man "I must have escaped"
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From: Jon.Etkins@f555.n635.z3.fidonet.org (Jon Etkins)
Q) What did the engineering student say to the arts student?
A) "I'll have a Big Mac, Coke and fries."
Q) What did the arts student say to his tutor?
A) "Waiting on 1 Big Mac!"
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1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
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the individual contributors who should be contacted
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--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
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