Date: 14 Oct 93 16:59:29 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life B.1
----------------------------------------------------
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--------------------------
From: Stuart Podell [0003647572@MCIMAIL.COM]
At the risk of starting a "Humorous Greeting Card" war, here's something I saw
the other day on a birthday card:
"If Mike Brady was such a great architect then how come he designed a house that
only had one bathroom for six kids?!"
--------------------------
From: Jay Pittman [Jay_Pittman_at_800WFF@CCMAIL.GSFC.NASA.GOV]
A Boy Scout, The Pope, and Carl Sagan were aboard an airplane when, at
10,000 feet, the engine died. There were three parachutes aboard and the
pilot grabbed one of them and jumped for his life. Carl Sagan immediately
grabbed another pack and said to the other two, "I am Carl Sagan. I know
billions and billions of facts about the universe and life on this planet.
If I were to die, it would be a great loss to mankind, since I am quite
possibly the world's smartest man." So saying, he jumped, leaving the
Pope and the little boy. John Paul turned to the child and said, "Son,
I have lived a good and full life, and I know that the afterlife is waiting
for me. You have your whole life ahead of you. You take the last
parachute."
But the boy scout replied cheerfully, "We can both go. The world's
smartest man just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."
--------------------------
From: "Shirley D. Kennedy" [KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU]
10-year old son came home with this one today:
A mother asked her son, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A vitamin," the boy answered.
The mother looked completely puzzled. "A vitamin?"
"Uh huh." The boy nodded.
"But a vitamin is... I mean, you can't..." The mother was at a loss even
to respond. Finally, she said, "Where in the world did you get this idea,
anyhow?"
"Well," said the boy, "I was walking home from school today, and when I
passed the drugstore, there was a sign in the window. It said
VITAMIN B 1."
--------------------------
From: KondrotasS [kondrotass@RFERL.ORG]
The Capitalism, the Socialism, and the Communism meet one day and decide to
have a small party among themselves. Since they had nothing to drink and eat,
the Socialism said he was going out to buy something. So he leaves. An hour
passes, then two hours, three, it's getting very late, and the two friends are
about to go home, but then the Socialism finally returns. He makes his excuses
and says he bought vodka but then he had to wait in a huge line for sausage.
Not quite believing, the Capitalism says: "What's the "line"?"
"And what's the "sausage"?" the Communism asks.
--------------------------
From: BETH WOODELL [woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU]
We are in the process of moving offices, and in the course of cleaning out
my desk I came across a newsletter from my HMO. The cover story that month
was how to keep the mood light in the workplace. This was reprinted from
The Humor Project in Saratoga Springs, NY.
o One company lightens up by serving ice cream cones at the beginning
of each meeting. It's hard to yell at someone who's licking an ice cream
cone, and ice cream cones seem to bring everyone down to the same level.
o The door of the president of one company is always open to employees
with complaints. But if you come in with a complaint you're required to SING
it.
o One company gives a standing ovation at any time to any employee who
asks for one.
o Another company bans coats and ties at meetings. All meeting partici-
pants must don loud Hawaiian shirts from a rack outside the meeting room.
o Do you have a love-hate relationship with your computer? Name it.
It helps to be able to say "Fred is acting up" or "Ethel isn't cooperating
today."
o Try looking at a frustrating work situation as a TV sitcom or home
video episode. They say that when you can laugh at a situation, the problem's
half-solved.
--------------------------
From: Ed [EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET]
Beth had a good point when she said,
] o Do you have a love-hate relationship with your computer? Name it.
] It helps to be able to say "Fred is acting up" or "Ethel isn't cooperating
] today."
I regularly call the statistics program SPSS-X "Spas" (short for spastic).
I've named my hard drive "Amnesia," for obvious reasons.
--------------------------
From: Mike Ellwood [MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK]
The following is supposed to be true:
A society lady was attending one of those swell, charitable dos, in
London one day, and found herself speaking to a charming lady, full of
fun, but whom she could not put a name to. So she tried a few
conversational gambits to try to get a clue, without exactly admitting
that she didn't know who she was talking to. She tried:
"So, what is your sister doing now?" to which the other lady replied,
without batting an eyelid:
"Oh, you know, still Queen".
(She was of course, talking to Princess Margaret, sister of Elizabeth II).
--------------------------
From: "Kevan L. Moore" [moore@TEKELEC.COM]
a real life situation.
My great aunt was downtown one day in the small town of Portland, TN when
she saw a lady she recognized but couldn't remember her name. Apparently
the lady also recognized my great aunt but couldn't come up with a name
either. My great aunt was so surprised at seeing the lady and not recognizing
her that the following conversation happenned:
lady: "do i know you?"
my great aunt: "i think so. tell me your name, and maybe by then i will
have thought of mine."
--------------------------
From: Bill [BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
A long-winded speaker was interrupted by a voice from the rear
yelling, "Louder." After the third time a fellow in the front row
stood up, faced the rear of the room and asked, "Can't you hear?"
"No."
"Then thank God and keep still."
--------------------------
From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" [KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU]
Q. Why were there only seven reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh last Xmas eve
instead of the usual eight?
A. Comet had to stay home and clean the sink.
--------------------------
From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State [POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU]
Q. Why is it so cheap to feed a giraffe?
A. Because a little food goes a long way.
--------------------------
From: Bill Rauscher [BRAUSCHE@CBCN.CBCINC.COM]
A big strong muscular guy went to a bar and ordered a club soda with
the juice of one lemon. The bartender poured the club soda and
squeezed the juice from one lemon. The strong guy said, "I bet you
one hundered dollars I can squeeze a cup of lemon juice from the
lemon you just squeezed." The bartender said, "You're on!"
The strong guy squeezed and squeezed until he got one full cup of
lemon juice from the lemon. The bartender, amazed, gave him $100.00.
A couple of stools down sat this little skinny guy with big thick glasses.
He turned to the strong guy and said, "I bet you $500.00 I can squeeze
two cups of lemon juice from that lemon you just squeezed. The
strong guy laughed and said, "You're on!"
The skinny guy squeezed and squeezed, he grunted and groaned, but
was smiling the whole time. The strong guy and bartender just
watched in amazement when the skinny guy sat back smiling having
squeezed two cups of lemon juice from the already twice squeezed
lemon. The strong guy reluctantly forks over the $500.00. Puzzled, the
strong guy asked, "How in the hell did you do that?!!!" The skinny guy
said, "Oh, it's very simple, I work for the IRS!"
--------------------------
From: lemberg@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu (Daniel Lemberg)
I've had some funny ones over here, some of my favorites:
A UNIX user calls and says he can't get elm (an e-mail program) to run
properly. His account hasn't been set up yet, so he doesn't have a .profile
which properly sets his terminal type. We have a default .profile in the
directory /usr/skel. So I tell him to type "cp /usr/skel/profile .profile"
For some reason he keeps typing in the command wrong, and finally ends up
with "cp /usr/skel/profile profile", so I say just type "mv profile .profile"
to which he reponds "Well, thats MUCH easier, why didn't you just say so
in the first place?"
I get a phone call from a PC user who has some memory resident junk
which is screwing up his program. So after having him list out his autexec
and config.sys, I tell him to just boot his machine again. He says Well, ok,
and I hear a crashing, tinkling noise.
Same lady calls me from home. Her Mac wont boot, she says. The last
thing she did was trash all the system files. I say, "Didn't I tell you that
a good guideline to follow is to never delete anything unless you know what
it is?" Sure, she says, but she had read her manual and knew what these were.
A new PC user reads an article on graphics co-processers. So he buys
a 486 66 chip and solders it onto his graphics card, and wonders why his
machine refuses to boot.
--------------------------
From: "Amy L. Ward" [cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU]
Subj: Letterman top ten lists (fwd)
Top Hillary Clinton's tips for making your man happy
4. Take him away for a quiet weekend of taxing and spending
3. Every once in a while, let him run the country
2. Add a little spice in the bedroom by dressing up as a McDonald's waitress
1. Two words: Fry everything
--------------------------
From: "Kevan L. Moore" [moore@TEKELEC.COM]
what do you call it when you get the feeling you've milked this cow before?
deja moo.
--------------------------
From: Derrick Green [HW1.DGREEN@HW1.CAHWNET.GOV]
Q: If two wrongs make a right, what do two rights make?
A: An airplane. (Orville & Wilbur, for State of California employees)
--------------------------
From: Bill [BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
Julian Barnes, wrote a thoughtful account about Lloyd's "deficit
millionaires" in September 20 issue of the New Yorker. Barnes
includes in his story some interesting humor, mostly understatements
and soft ironies:
Asked to specify, the Briton might mention as its most famous
institutions first the Bank of England and, second, Lloyd's. "As safe as
the Bank of England," we like to quote, though, after the Bank's inept
failure to regulate B.C.C.I in the time up to its collapse the catch
phrase should perhaps be altered to "as sleepy as the Bank of England."
(p. 76)
"When I was growing up, the thickest men I knew went into Lloyd's. I
should have thought at the time. At school, I had a friend who couldn't
even get into the Navy. He took his maths O level five times and failed
it five times. He joined Lloyd's. I should have thought then and there."
(p. 77)
--------------------------
From: "Ajay K. Vachhani" [ajayvac@BGUMAIL.BGU.AC.IL]
There was a young fellow from Yuma
Who told an elephant joke to a puma
Now his skeleton lies
Under hot western skies
The puma had no sense of huma.
--------------------------
From: Mike Weinstein [MPW01@ALBNYDH2.BITNET]
Heard in a Jay Leno monologue months ago--
Saw a lawyer in downtown L.A. today with a sign that said: "Will make someone's
life a living hell for food".
--------------------------
From: Phil Corless [APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET]
Former President Jimmy Carter, appearing on the Late Show with
David Letterman, related this story....
Shortly after leaving office, Carter traveled to Japan to give
a speech before a large crowd. Most of the people in attendance
did not speak English, so Carter had to rely upon an interpreter.
He started off his speech with a joke, wanting to put the crowd
at ease. When the interpreter finished re-telling the joke, the
crowd erupted with exuberant laughter. Carter was surprised at
the reaction, since the joke hadn't been that funny in English.
After the speech, he went to the interpreter and asked how he had
told the joke to the crowd to make it so funny. The interpreter
bowed his head and turned away, but Carter persisted. Finally,
the interpreter sheepishly repeated what he had told the crowd:
"The President just told a funny story. We must all laugh now."
--------------------------
From: Serita Blankenship [SBLANKEN@OZ.UMB.KSU.EDU]
Have you heard about the new support group for talkaholics?
They call it On an On Anon.
--------------------------
From: "Rich.Carl" [ADP3S@MSU.BITNET]
Here's another set of humorous trivia culled from *The Santa Cruz Comic News*.
(Question to you Latin scholars: Are singular items of trivia called trivium?)
Among England's curious laws is one that prohibits old-clothes dealers from
selling an animal to a child.
Few know what Bertha Dlugi did. In 1959 it was, in Milwaukee. She patented a
bird diaper. For people who let their canaries fly around the house.
If you'd eaten lettuce in medieval Europe where people could see you do it,
they'd have thought you were nutty.
--------------------------
From: Linda White [snowhite@ESKIMO.COM]
Betty: My son's majoring in music at college. He plays the tuba.
Hetty: Is he any good?
Betty: Good! Why, he's graduating Magna Cum Loud!
Felix: I don't think George is going to make it as a politician.
Oscar: Why not?
Felix: Well, take that speech he gave yesterday...when he asked if they
could hear him in the back and the answer was "no," everyone in front
moved to the back!
Nostalgia buff: someone who finds the past perfect and the present tense.
Why are horses lousy dancers?
They have two left feet.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Fido.
Fido who?
Fido known you were coming, I'd've baked a cake.
--------------------------
From: Steve Gorelick [smg@AQUILA.GC.CUNY.EDU]
Some great Henny Youngman jokes:
1) I once bet on a horse that was so slow I bet it to live.
2) My wife is such a bad cook that, when I wake up in the morning, all the
roaches have hung themselves on dental floss.
3) Doctor: You only have six months to live.
Man: I can't pay the bill.
Doctor: Allright, I'll give you another six months.
--------------------------
From: "Bill Edwards, Columbus College, Georgia" [EDWARDS@USCN.BITNET]
A psychology professor goes to his physician with the complaint that
he is in agony. Every part of his body that he touches hurts like heck--
his nose, his knee, his stomach, everything, everywhere.
The physician asks, "I see that you are a psychology professor, is
that correct?"
"Yes, what does that have to do with my pain?"
"Professor, could you please tell me about your philosophy and
methodology. Are you a behaviorist, or phenomenologist, or something
else?"
"I'm impressed doc, I didn't realize you knew so much about academe.
I'm a behaviorist and of course I use strictly empirical methodologies in
my research."
The physician smiles, "Oh now I understand, let me look at your hand. It
sounds like you have a broken finger."
--------------------------
From: NAME [ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU]
I have been saddened to learn recently that both Halloween and
Thanksgiving have been outlawed and therefore will not be celebrated
in Arkansas this year. It appears that the Witch has left the state
and that she took the Turkey with her.
--------------------------
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life humor collection maintainer, selections from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
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