Date: 28 Sep 93 10:04:24 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life A.S
The first two thirds of this back is from Ajay Shah's collection
The last third is selections from Ian Chai
----------------------------------------------------
The following are siftings pulled out of a collection of humor built up by:
ajayshah@alnitak.usc.edu (Ajay Shah)
--------------------------
Bumper sticker on a sleek red Porsche: MY OTHER CAR IS ALSO A PORSCHE
--------------------------
I just don't understand women.
Why don't they come with a instruction manual?
--------------------------
Conservative, n.:
One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
One who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
--------------------------
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
--------------------------
Headlines from Scientific National Enquirer
EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Turing machine with two heads!
STARTLING EVIDENCE: LISP came from Mars?
SHOCKING EXPOSE: Illegal core dumping in Lake Erie!
TRUE STORY: Man inverts singular matrix and lives to tell!
REVELATION: Top scientist discovers New Jersey on Karnaugh map!
OS SCANDAL: Unix and Ms. Dos found in love nest!
PSYCHIC PREDICTS: Fixed points will break again!
CIA SECRET: Proof of P=NP found in UFO!
ANALYSTS PANIC: Prime numbers missing from IEEE floating point?
SOFTWARE REVOLUTION: Marxists scheme classless Smalltalk!
--------------------------
There was this drugstore in NYC, near the Russian Embassy where a pair
of lovebirds once descended.
Being Russian, and utterly inhibited about sex, they asked the guy
across the counter for "_protection_".
He nodded conspiratorially and called the CIA.
--------------------------
q: How does one get fresh air into a Russian church?
a: One clicks on an icon, and a window opens.
--------------------------
When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to
all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen."
He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good
morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open
their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the
instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put
their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors."
"When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's
graduate students."
--------------------------
q: Why did the liberal arts major cross the road?
a: He got three credits for it!
--------------------------
New York Times, 25 April 1989, in an article on new operating systems for the
IBM PC:
Real concurrency---in which one program actually continues to function
while you call up and use another---is more amazing but of small use to the
average person. How many programs do you have that take more than a few
seconds to perform any task?
--------------------------
q:What's small, yellow and very dangerous?
a:A canary with a superuser password.
--------------------------
You can tell how far we have to go, when Fortran is the language of
supercomputers.
-Steven Feiner
--------------------------
A successful software tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by it's author.
- S. C. Johnson
--------------------------
Little old lady at US immigration.
OFFICIAL: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or
subversion?
{Pause for thought}
LITTLE OLD LADY: Violence, I think.
--------------------------
(True story) A teller in Huntington Beach managed to convince a
bank robber that since they didn't have $100,000 in cash, why not just
take a check for $1,000,000?
--------------------------
Happiness isn't something you experience, it's something you remember.
-Oscar Levant
--------------------------
An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of
those eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as
quickly as possible.
-Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
--------------------------
There is nothing wrong with teenagers which reasoning with them
won't aggravate.
--------------------------
A free society is a place where it's safe to be unpopular.
-Adlai Stevenson
--------------------------
The problem with engineers is that they cheat in order to get
results.
The problem with mathematicians is that they work on toy problems
in order to get results.
The problem with program verifiers is that they cheat on toy
problems in order to get results.
--------------------------
A license plate for a VW Bug:
FEATURE
--------------------------
The way things are moving in Europe these days, it appears that
very soon there will be just 8 countries in Europe. There will
be one United Europe and seven independent Yugoslavian republics.
--------------------------
This one was heard recently from one of our senior managers who had just
be signed up by Oracle...
Q. Which hardware platform does Oracle perform the best on?
A. A 35 mm slide projector.
--------------------------
A retired dentist who loves to fish. "Open wide," he mutters to the unseen fish
as he waits for a tug on the line. "Now bite down. This may sting just a
little bit."
--------------------------
Best oneliner on early days of Iraq war:
This is the triumph of silicon over steel.
--------------------------
Adolescence is when you can find Truth in a three-minute song.
--------------------------
q: What TShirt is Saddam Hussan wearing today?
a: I Survived Operation Desert Storm.
(from _Newsweek_)
--------------------------
Bumper Sticker: "Help stamp out progress, Run Windows"
--------------------------
Jon Bentley started a presentation on prototyping, little
languages, etc. He was going to use awk as a vehicle in this
presentation, so he started off by saying "In case you don't
already know awk, do not fear: it's a lot like C. Consider, for
example, this trivial awk program". He put a slide into the
overhead projector containing a simple awk program.
Suddenly, the flow of the presentation choked. He looked hard at
the screen, obviously stumped by his own tiny awk program.
Finally, inspiration shone upon his face. Urgently, he tore his
tie off and flung it across the floor. "It's really true, you
_can't_ program with a tie on!".
--------------------------
About a year ago, a study published in _Academic_Computing_
entitled "Student Writing: Can the Machine Maim the Message"
suggested that college freshmen using Macintoshes wrote poorer
essays than students using DOS-based computers.
The researcher ran the compositions through the Unix Writer's
Workbench and tallied the scores. She also graded them by hand.
Apart from inferior writing quality, she also found that students
using PCs, generally speaking, created more coherent work on more
serious issues (like crime, the death penalty and abortion) as
compared with Macintosh users, who wrote about fast food and
graffiti.
Notice that this was a while ago, before Windoze.
What do you think freshman students who used TeX wrote about?
--------------------------
One of Kaufman's reviews began: "There was laughter in the back
of the theater, leading to the belief that someone was telling
jokes back there."
--------------------------
"Every animal leaves traces of what it was;
man alone leaves traces of what he created."
- Jacob Bronowski
--------------------------
Oscar Wilde was a great one at cutting one-liner putdowns. One
day, someone else got the best of him and he muttered "I wish I
had said that".
He got the reply "You will, Oscar, you will..."
--------------------------
If you love a pointer, then set it free()
--------------------------
Classified ad seen in IHT:
Former KGB agent seeks employment in similar line of work.
Call Paris xxx-xxxx
--------------------------
Suspected purse-snatcher Dereese Delon Waddell in suburban Minneapolis
last winter stood on a police lineup so the 76-year-old female victim
could have a look at him. When the police told him to put his
baseball cap on his head with the bill facing out, so as to be
presentable, he protested, "No (I'm going to) put it on backwards.
That's the way I had it on when I took the purse."
--------------------------
The Globe and Mail (a Canadian newspaper) published an interview with
Major-General Lewis MacKenzie, who commanded some U.N. peacekeepers
in what used to be Yugoslavia. He told the following story, set
at the Sarajevo airport while pinned down by sniper fire:
We were all lying down on the ground and a cameraman from a
Belgrade TV station crawled up to me and, as he put his camara
in my face, asked, `Who fired the first shot?'
I answered, `Some SOB 400 years ago.'
--------------------------
From: kris@black.toppoint.de (Kristian Koehntopp)
In [C3oxH1.8B6@gw.digibd.com] rhealey@rogue.digibd.com (Rob Healey) writes:
] I know a few programmers who "desire" x86 architecture [ ... ]
I know quite a few programmers who deserve it.
--------------------------
From: jgk@osc.COM (Joe Keane)
AIX looks like it was implemented by a pretty smart space alien who
heard Unix described to him by a different space alien, but they had
to gesture a lot because their universal translators were broken.
--------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections from mailings sent to me by:
Ian Chai [spectre@uiuc.edu]
--------------------------
I read in this week's Science News how scientists are discovering ways
to use the stuff that comes from the shells of crabs, shrimp, etc.
Hmm, wouldn't that be unethical? I mean, that's chitin, isn't it?
--------------------------
A BUCKETFUL OF ANGER
KULIM: Fed up with the frequent flooding of his house, a houseowner
gave a dose of his medicine to a Kulim District Council officer last
Thursday. The retired teacher from the Taman Bersatu walked calmly
into the council office and emptied a bucketful of slime into the
council engineer's room. The engineer, Nasir Abdul Ghani, was not
in his room at the time of the incident. Council president Haji
Hashim Ismail in confirming the incident said the council has lodged
a police report.
--------------------------
I just read in the UPI newswire for 8/9/93 that a young Indian couple
who eloped from the village of Handarawali, 100 km NE of New Delhi,
were executed by village council when they came back 5 months later to
seek their parents' blessing last weekend. This generated tension in
the region, prompting authorities to send in police reinforcements and
the guy who did the beheading with the sword was arrested.
Man, talk about people losing their heads when they fall in love.
--------------------------
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
----------
A Bible in the hand is worth two on the shelf.
--------------------------
I recently said to someone:
I know next to nothing about ecnomics, however -- the one thing I *do* know
is that you can't spend more than you earn... hmm, I guess that makes me more
knowledgable about economics than the U.S. Government! 8-)
--------------------------
August 15, excerpted from UPI radio and wire report:
(SPRINGFIELD)-- An ear-spilting scream of ``Bobby'' by Darlene
Jones won the husband-calling contest at the Illinois State Fair
yesterday. Jones... who is NOT married and has NO children...
borrowed a little boy and man to participate in the winning skit.
The Peoria woman stood on a chair wearing a frilly white apron
and bollowed for her mock husband as she was taunted by the by
boy who held a rubber snake. Jones won 300- dollars for her
husband-call. Lacey Rebbe of Petersburg won the traditional hog-
calling contest.
Jones admitted to receiving some coaching from Paula Tyler, a
seven- time winner of the husband-calling contest.
``She gave me a few tips on how to handle myself. She also lent
me her son and husband for the act.''
Other contestants had their own reasons for entering the
contests.
Shane Ayers, a 29-year-old Springfield resident who works on
House Speaker Michael Madigan's press staff, joked she was
searching for a husband.
Her routine consisted of calling out to prospective men, offering
fishing poles, lacy negligees and power tools. She ended by
trying to lasso a man.
``I'm 29, have a career and lots of money and I need a husband,''
she cried out.
--------------------------
The Straits Times (Singapore) reports
SEVERAL Malaysia Airlines employees are facing an inquiry for
allowing a flight to Johannesburg to take off without the
passengers' luggage on June 28, according to a report in the
Sunday Mail.
The newspaper said that the blunder was discovered after MH201
landed at the Jan Smuts International Airport in South Africa,
causing anxiety among the scores of passengers and red faces
among MAS staff.
MAS customer relations and media manager Zawiah M. Aruf, when
asked to confirm the incident, said in Kuala Lumpur: "We deeply
regret the incident in which a flight rostering discrepancy
resulted in a loading oversight of luggage. "Immediate action was
taken to dispatch the bag via a Singapore Airlines flight, and
they were handed over to all the passengers the following day."
At Johannesburg, the affected passengers were paid the airline
rate's incidental expenses while waiting for the delivery of
their luggage.
Mrs Zawiah said the national airline deeply regretted the
incident which "we view very seriously".
She added that an inquiry was under way and stern action would be
taken against the staff involved.
Man, gives a whole new twist to the "fly to Philly and baggage to LA"
thing!
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page