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Date: Thu, 9 Jun 1994 11:06:34 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199406091806.LAA10710@netcom.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life A.P
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 16 Sep 93 14:01:41 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life A.P
The following are selections from rec.humor
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of rec.humor by an anonymous sifter
--------------------------
From: mark_dh@bruny.cc.utas.edu.au (Mark)
Q: Who invented fractions?
A: Henry the eigth
--------------------------
From: hsiaoe@brtph84f.bnr.ca (Eric Hsiao)
Two scientists are working in a lab one day. One says to the other, "we have
this rat that keeps running around in circles. We're trying to stop him from
doing this."
The other scientist says, "Here, let me try something. He waves his hands
around the cage and suddenly the rat stops running."
The first scientist says, "How did you do that?"
The other scientist says, "I'm also a part time magician. I love pulling a
habit out of a rat."
--------------------------
From: meredip@mist.CS.ORST.EDU (Peter Merdith)
Here are two really cool mind trips I've picked up:
First, get your victim to say pots six times really fast.
Then get them to spell it six times really fast.
Then spell it again and say it again.
Make sure you rush them through the process, and say
immidiatly when they're done "OK quick! Answer this question
without thinking: What do you do when you come to a green light?!"
Invariably your victim will reply "Stop!".
Most people think its because saying and spelling stop
backwards somehow subliminally programs them to think 'stop'
when the question is asked, but in actuallity its just to
disctract them from thinking about the cleverly worded
question (What do you do when you COME to a green light?).
Usually I give my victims a second chance, and use klim instead
of pots. When they're done the saying and spelling routine I
ask "What does a cow drink?". You can guess the answer I
always get. Just about everyone associates cows with milk, and
throwing in the word 'drink' just digs their ditch deeper.
Whats ironic is that no one realizes what they said for about
twenty seconds. To them, their answer was perfectly correct and
they can't figure out for the life of them why everyone's laughing.
I've only had this NOT work on about one person out of about fifty.
--------------------------
From: msdloem@cs.vu.nl (Loemban Tobing MSD)
You could also write names of colours in different colours
and ask a 'victim' what colours the words are written in.
BLUE (written in red)
PINK (written in yellow)
BLACK (written in blue)
--------------------------
From: cokirsey@unix1.tcd.ie (Cian O Kiersey)
Read this...
/\
/ \
/ \
/ PARIS\
/ IN THE \
/THE SPRING\
/ \
/______________\
Now read it again.....
Well what did you read?
Paris in the the Spring??
Well I was astounded by the number of
people who missed the second the.
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
Thomas L. Luekens:LAX1B
--------------------------
From: rkeene@keene.Central.Sun.COM (Dick Keene [Sun Denver Federal SE])
The following is true from about 1983 in southern Spain...
Two Amercian guys were on a Bus in Spain. One of their wrist watches beep'd.
(Digital watches were very new then). The man took off his shoe and spoke into it like a telephone and said something like a string of English words with
the word president in it, then put the shoe back on.
At the next bus stop all the other people got off.
--------------------------
Many years ago the head of the Strassenburgh Planetarium was at the
Eclipse in Dakar, Africa. He brought his daughter (about 5 years old)
along on the trip.
After the eclipse was over the daughter said...
"Daddy, back it up and do it again"
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
Nina J. Thayer:ES M7
--------------------------
From: A20076@waccvm.corp.mot.com (Dan Whitaker)
The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that
would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a
Walleye and called it a Kowal. It grew to a nice size and reproduced
well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and
called it a Kowalski but they were so stupid that they had to teach
them how to swim.
--------------------------
Christopher Boerma writes:
The first mistake that Scott Reyst made was breaking into the home of
James Bannon, Detroit's exectuive deputy police chief. The 18
year-old's second mistake was showing up at the preliminary hearing
wearing the deputy chief's boots.
------
Unfortunately, the two undercover police officers who were waiting in line
behind him weren't pleased at having their lunch delayed. They both drew
their guns and told him, "No, it isn't."
--------------------------
Dave Sellars¹ mildly amusing true story
Not so long ago, my father-in-law was in a tiny remote Scottish
village, and decided to buy a newspaper. He went into the village's
only shop and asked for the 'Daily Telegraph' (an English newspaper).
The wizened old Scotsman replied "Would ye be wanting today's, or
yesterday's paper, laddie?" He of course replied "Today's please."
"Och, ye'll have to come back tomorrow, then..." was the response.
--------------------------
Jim Huang says:
Here's another sad but true story involving a blonde friend of mine...
One evening I was visiting my friend "Janet" in her dorm
room. She wanted to rearrange some of the furniture, and
wanted my advice and help. She told me that she slept
with her head right next to the window, and often, noise
from the parties outside would keep her awake, even
with the window closed. So she wanted me to help her pull
the bed out and turn it 180 degrees, so her head would be
next to the closet door instead. She even had all her
boxes and suitcases pulled out beforehand in preparation.
I pointed out that it probably would be much easier just
to move her pillow to the other end and adjust the blankets
accordingly, since it was a dorm bed and therefore had no
headboard or footboard. We turned around and looked at
each other for a second and just sat there laughing for
a good minute or so.
--------------------------
]From Steven M Sullivan
The Idiot Test
9. If there are 3 apples and you take 2 away, how many do you have?
You have 2 apples.
13. A farmer has 17 sheep and all but 9 die. How many does he have left?
9.
14. A clerk in a butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?
Meat.
16. What was the president[¹]s name in 1960?
His name was William Clinton, even then. (To be totally technical, by
saying `the president¹s name' your asking for the current pres.)
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
Christopher Neufeld [neufeld@helios.physics.utoronto.ca]
--------------------------
From: hayden@krypton.mankato.msus.edu (Robert A. Hayden)
Of course, the only one word oxymoron has to come from the legal profession:
Brief
--------------------------
From: alrobins@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson)
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. "What was your most difficult
case," one asked the other.
"Once I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world," replied his
colleague. "He believed that a wildly rich uncle in South America was
going to leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a make-believe
letter to arrive from a fictitious attorney. He never went out or did
anything. He just sat around and waited."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle, but I finally cured him. And then that
stupid letter arrived...."
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
Alan E. Nicoll:ES AE
--------------------------
A French Horn player goes into a shop. "I love playing musiC", he says to
the man behind the counter, "but I get tired easily. . Can you sell me one
of those new-fangled keyboards that plays any instrument, to save me doing
all the work?"
"Well sir, I take it you're French horn player"
"How did you know that?"
"This is a fish and chip shop."
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
Robert P. Dolan:Wbst311
--------------------------
From: alrobins@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson)
"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball
player in a interview with his coach. "But's how's his scholastic work?"
"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
Nancy L. Crawford:wbst129
--------------------------
From: mxk4576@ritvax.isc.rit.edu
A guy dressed in shabby clothes enters the stationer's and asks:
- Do you have portraits of Lenin?
- Yes.
- And of Stalin?
- Yes.
- 10 of each please.
A few days later the same guy returns to the same store. This time he looks
a little better. He says:
- 20 portraits of Lenin and 20 of Stalin, please.
He buys them and goes out.
Again, a few days later he returns, this time dressed very well, and buys
50 portraits of Lenin and 50 of Stalin. When another several days later he
arrives in an elegant limo and buys 100 portraits of each, the stationer
can't help asking:
- Man, what's the matter with these portraits? Such a short time ago you
hardly had anything to wear and today you have this beautiful limo?!
- Well, I opened a rifle-range outside the town.
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
tonyp@cnvxla.convex.com (honey bunny)
--------------------------
From: gordon@sneaky.lonestar.org (Gordon Burditt)
]5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
Yes.
Under California law, a dead person may marry, but there may be an age
restriction. The age of a dead person is measured from the date of
death. A dead person must be at least 12 years of age if marrying a
living person of the opposite sex or a dead person of the same sex.
Otherwise, there is no age restriction. To obtain a marriage certificate,
the dead person must present a certified copy of the death certificate.
--------------------------
From: lmerkel@BIX.com (lmerkel on BIX)
THE LAWYER'S MOTTO:
"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are
agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and
are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned
parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent
maintenance procedures."
IN OTHER WORDS:
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
Kelly Hall (hall@cheetah.cs.uidaho.edu)
--------------------------
From: cac2@bunny.gte.com (Carl Castrogiovanni)
How many workers at Rocky Flats, the former nuclear weapon components
plant in Golden, Colo., should it take to change a light bulb?
Sixteen--and that's no joke.
An internal memo written by a manager at the U.S. Department of Energy
plant recommended a new safety procedure for "the replacement of a light
bulb in a criticality beacon." The beacon, similar to the revolving red
lamp atop a police car, warns workers of nuclear accidents. The memo said
the job should take at least 16 people over 60 hours to replace the light.
It added that the same job used to take 12 workers 4.15 hours.
The memo called for a planner to meet with six others at a work-control
meeting; talk with other workers who have done the job before; meet again;
get signatures from five people at that work-control meeting; get the
project plans approved by separate officials overseeing safety, logistics,
waste management and plant scheduling; wait for a monthly
criticality-beacon test; direct electricians to replace the bulb; and then
test and verify the repair.
Mark Obmascik in Denver Post (reprinted in Reader's Digest)
--------------------------
From: dhatfiel@agsm.ucla.edu (Donald E. Hatfield)
The situation:
Venice, Ca is has discovered that the ducks that live in the canals
might be diseased. There is fear that these ducks will infect the
migratory ducks. A tearful and vocal group of protestors have argued
that the government's plan to kill the canal ducks is extreme.
The Phrase (stated by a member of the California Fisheries and
Wildlife Management):
"We feel the depopulation of the ducks is necessary"
depopulation = exterminate....
--------------------------
From: skoper@world.std.com (stan koper)
I was at a "reinventing government" meeting Monday here in Boston, chaired
by Tom Glynn, now Assistant Secretary of Labor, formerly MBTA General
Manager. We were talking about improving telephone assistance, and he
told us this story about telephone assistance at the MBTA:
Apparently at one time, it took almost 6 minutes for a caller to the
MBTA's information line to reach a human operator. So Mr. Glynn had a
meeting with the 30 or so operators, to discuss how to cut the time down.
One question he asked was, "what is the most frequently-asked question?"
The answer, he was told, took the form of "What time does the first [color]
line train leave [name of] station", as in
"What time does the first Red Line train leave the Alewife Station?"
Answer: "5:17 a.m."
The *second* most frequently-asked question, the operators told Mr. Glynn,
was:
"Is there an earlier train?"
--------------------------
From: eric@phred.UUCP (eric hassenzahl)
Philosophy prof at the front of the classroom with the following final exam
question written on the blackboard:
"How do you plan to make a living with a philosophy degree?"
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
Cheryl Ann Pence:El Segundo
--------------------------
From: ccasm@cc.newcastle.edu.au
Toilet graffiti:
TOILET TENNIS:
The left wall says: LOOK AT THE RIGHT WALL
The right wall says: LOOK AT THE LEFT WALL
The door says: TO PLAY TOILET TENNIS LOOK AT THE LEFT WALL..
--------------------------
From: mturseka@infonode.ingr.com (Mahesh Ursekar)
APPLICATION FOR BECOMING GOVERNOR OF ARKANSAS
First name:___________________Last name(if known):_______________________
Address (where you live):______________________________________
Mother's name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________
Birthdate(yours):____________________
Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________
Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )
Year of pickup truck:____________ Do you have the following in your truck:
Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )
Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )
Wife's name:__________________ Is she: Cousin( ) Nieghbor( ) Sister( )
Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( )
Right hand( )
Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( )
Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )
Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )
How much smarter than you is your wife:
50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( )
100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )
Does your wife wear:
A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( )
Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( )
Nothing( ) Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )
Did you understand the previous questions:
Yes( ) No( ) What does "previous" mean?( )
Huh?( ) All of the Above( )
Color of wife's hair: Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( ) Black( ) Bald( )
Have you ever: Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( )
Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( )
Had Fantasies about Dorthy and Toto( )
Inhaled( )
Where was your last Elvis sighting?________________ On what date?___________
Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )
Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:
___________________________________________________________________________
Signature (or 'X' if you can't write)________________________________
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