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Date: Thu, 5 May 1994 06:35:44 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199405051335.GAA05672@netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life A.F
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 24 Aug 93 13:55:15 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life A.F
A couple of long pieces
----------------------------------------------------
From: waltman@eso.mc.xerox.com (Steve Waltman x71033 - DPSD)
]From alt.tv.dinosaurs.barney.die.die.die
There I was. There I was. There I was. In the Congo. At last,
after months of planning, tracking, and covert arms deals, me and my
select team of Special Forces volunteers were going to take out that
fat purple *&%$ right in his own backyard... the primeval rain forests
of the Congo River valley. We'd tracked him here on one of his
gruesome feeding rampages around the world. And this time he was
going down the big way. Cancelled.
Sitting in ambush waiting, we prepared our weapons... Several fresh
clips slapped into the riflemen's M-16's, the SAW was loaded, Smith checked
the ammo feed on the .50 cal, Jones and Clark loaded HE frag rounds
into their M203 grenade launchers, and I ran through (for the 10th
time) the check on the ace up our sleeve... the GLD-1001 laser target
designator which would guide in the ten tons of smart bombs ready to
be dropped from the B-52 orbiting slow circles at 35,000 feet.
2 minutes later than expected, we heard the leaves rustling and then
got our first glimpse of the beast. Ad I lowered the crosshair to
just over Barney's reptilian heart, we heard the sound... "I love
you, you love me..."
This is something we hadn't counted on. Barney was leading 10-15
children back to his lair to feed on them. My men looked at me
questioningly about what to do. I just shrugged; we all knew that
those poor brainwashed children were dead anyway. And a bomb is a nicer
way to go than the gnashing teeth of a Tyrannosaur...
It was almost time. One of the riflemen picked up the detonator for
the first set of Claymore mines. Time slowed down.
And all hell broke loose.
The first thing I remember seeing is the damned bow around the deadly
horn as it impaled Jones. Like a bat out of hell, Baby Bop began
cutting through my men. The staccatto thunder of the .50 cal appeared
off to my left as I saw Barney dash off into the woods. all three
claymores went off but somehow didn't get him. Glancing up and seeing
Baby Bop take six rounds in the chest , I decided to lead what was
left of the team in chase after Barney.
Rushing at us were the children, evidently brainwashed enough to try
to defend the Purple Satan by mounting a Human Wave attack against us.
Luckily two soldiers were able to collect them up without injuring
them. Those poor kids were going to need some long and painful
psychotherapy.
The kids slowed us down long enough for Barney to get away. Chasing
him now, on his own turf, was asking for an ambush.
Next time, Barney... next time you won't be so lucky.
Captain Kangaroo
--------------------------
It's interesting how the same stories get retold with new participants
From: "Louise Cate" [catel@vnet.ibm.com]
The Great Rowing Competition
It was a sunny day on Puguet Sound in Washington. It was the
day of the first annual Microsoft vs. IBM rowing competition.
Each team was provided with identical 8 person boats. The
teams got out of their limos and headed to the boats.
The Microsoft team all wore identical sweaters, and the
leader carried a megaphone. They let the leader on first who
went directly to the helm, sat down with one hand on the rudder
and the megaphone in the other. The other seven grabbed their oars.
They signaled the judges that they were ready to race.
Seven of the IBM team all wore identical blue suits, except
the ties were allowed to be slightly different. The eight
was a large muscular guy wearing a tee shirt with the IBM crest.
The VP ran to the boat and grabbed the rudder. The Lawyer in the
group quickly followed carrying a megaphone. The other five
managers got on and spent several minutes fighting for position
and seating prior to settling down. The big guy in the tee shirt
finally was allowed to get on, an pick up the oars. They signaled
the judges that they were ready to race.
The starters pistol fired. The leaders in each boat started
into the megaphone "Stroke...stroke...". The Microsoft team
put it's 14 oars in the water and were soon underway at a good
pace. The IBM rower showed his strength and soon had their
boat underway. Within a few minutes the Microsoft boat was
out in front, running in a straight path towards the goal point
off in the distance.
The managers on the IBM boat noticed the gap and started a
mini-task force to uncover a solution. They then broke up
and empowered themselves to help. Several pulled out their
own collapsible megaphones and started yelling their own
separate instructions. One pulled out a paper cup and started
bailing out the few drops of water on the bottom of the boat.
The last one pulled out his laptop to write a white paper
covering their involvement in the race.
At the half way point, it started to rain. On the Microsoft
boat everyone reached into their back pocket for their portable
raincoats. They all slipped into their raincoats without
missing the boat. On the IBM boat, several of the managers
unrolled and climbed under a tarp. the lawyer held up a large
golden umbrella for himself and the VP. The rower was left
in the rain, the managers decided it would help keep him cool.
The Microsoft team easily won, but the IBM boat finally finished.
The zig-zag route the IBM boat took was still being discussed
by some of the spectators. There was a friendly "see you
next year" as the teams took their boats and went back to
their busses.
The IBM team analyzed the competition to improve the
outcome for next year. One manager took the boat to research
to see what improvements could be done. The rower was promoted
and another manager was demoted to rower. Two other managers
were assigned to train the newly demoted manager. They went
out and bought the best weights, and rowing simulators available.
One of the training managers was replaced by hiring someone
with outside experience (in training, not rowing).
The following year the newly refurbished boat and the
team were field merged at the waters edge. The oars had new
plastic grips and spoilers laser welded to their ends.
a portion of the front of the boat had a newly developed
superconducting paint applied. The whole boat would have been
painted except the researcher had to take early retirement
and there were no additional resources to complete the job.
A laptop was hooked up to record oar torque efficiency, and
stroke quality. A larger tarp lay in the bottom of the boat.
The rudder was redesigned into several sections, each
with cables so each manager could steer his own direction.
The handle of the rudder had been removed. The lawyer now
held a bigger megaphone for the VP. The VP also had a small
bag of rocks he could use to throw at the managers.
The new IBM team now wore light weight casual suits, each a
different shade of blue. several of the managers were now
slimmer. They left their VW bus, got onto the boat, and took
their assigned seats. The single well trained rower picked
up the oars.
The Microsoft team looked about the same, except for new larger
sweaters (they had been training too) and hats with a small NT
on them. They quickly loaded their freshly waxed boat into
the water and were soon ready to compete.
I need not tell you who won the second race.
--------------------------
From: ron.kulick@execnet.com (Ron Kulick)
Here's the story I have about the same incident. Supposedly it was
printed in magazine and said to be true!
-----
Angels on a Pin
By ALEXANDER CALANDRA
Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would
be the referee on the grading of an examination question. He was about
to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the
student claimed he should receive a perfect score and would if the
system were not set up against the student. The instructor and the
student agreed to submit this to an impartial arbiter, and I was
selected.
I went to my colleague's office and read the examination question:
"Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with
the aid of a barometer."
The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the
building, attach a long rope to it, lower the barometer to the street,
and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of
the rope is the height of the building."
I pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full
credit, since he had answered the question completely and correctly. On
the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a
high grade for the student in his physics course. A high grade is
supposed to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not
confirm this. I suggested that the student have another try at answering
the question. I was not surprised that my colleague agreed, but I was
surprised that the student did.
I gave the student six minutes to answer the question, with the
warning that his answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the
end of five minutes, he had not written anything. I asked if he wished
to give up, but he said no. He had many answers to this problem; he was
just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him,
and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, he dashed off his
answer which read:
"Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge
of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then,
using the formula S=*+at}, calculate the height of the building."
At this point, I asked my colleague if _he_ would give up. He
conceded, and I gave the student almost full credit.
In leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said
he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were. "Oh,
yes," said the student. "There are many ways of getting the height of a
tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take
the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the
barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the
building, and by the use of a simple proportion, determine the height of
the building.
"Fine," I said. "And the others?"
"Yes," said the student. "There is a very basic measurement method
that you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to
walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of
the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and
this will give you the height of the building in barometer units. A very
direct method.
"Of course, if you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the
barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine
the value of 'g' at the street level and at the top of the building.
]From the difference between the two values of 'g,' the height of the
building can, in principle, be calculated."
Finally he concluded, there are many other ways of solving the
problem. "Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the
basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent
answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here I have a
fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of this building, I will
give you this barometer.'"
At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the
conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said
that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to
teach him how to think, to use the "scientific method," and to explore
the deep inner logic of the subject in a pedantic way, as is often done
in the new mathematics, rather than teaching him the structure of the
subject. With this in mind, he decided to revive scholasticism as an
academic lark to challenge the Sputnik-panicked classrooms of America.
--------------------------
This is one of the more complete versions I've seen:
Richard Eaton forwarded this to me
From: Leonard S. Li:ES AE
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns
you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers
to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the
whole thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then
slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
getting.
THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much
for the AT&T virus.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software
says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really
mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be
the most important part of the computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their
data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from
the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identifiy because it is constantly altering
its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits eratically with a
message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs,
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just Does It!
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply,
and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS II: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously,
but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up then
subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive
shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends
you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my test.... no new
files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard
drive with new files, then blames it on the Congress Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and
erases them in "self-defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the
reviews, but you still love it.
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