Date: 20 Aug 93 12:21:45 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life A.D
The following short pieces are from random places
(About half of it was forwarded to me)
----------------------------------------------------
From: "Per Reedtz Thomsen, Oracle UNIX Products Division" [ORAPOST@us.oracle.com]
"Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?"
--------------------------
From: jcoper@ccu.umanitoba (D. Joseph Creighton)
"The one good thing about repeating mistakes is you know when to cringe."
--------------------------
From: CT Hart [cth@cs.itc.hp.com]
I was in a local Subway store the other day, and they apparently
had hired several new employees who were trying *very* hard to
do a good job under the watchful eyes of their trainer...
The fellow who was making my sandwich actually asked me,
"And what kind of meat would you like on that roast beef
sandwich, sir?"
--------------------------
From: labst@emoryu1.cc.emory.edu (seth tepfer)
Just happened today......
A colleague was pondering a set of bookshelves that reached to the ceiling
that had mysteriously appeared during our office move. She asked "What's
the story on these bookshelves?"
I replied "What ever the story is, it's a very tall tale."
--------------------------
From: Darryl Hahn
Here's a joke I received from a friend, I thought you would enjoy.
A pastor went visiting one afternoon. He knocked on one door several times,
but no one answered. He could see though the window that the television was
on, so he took one of his cards, wrote "Revelations 3:20" on it and stuck it
in the door. (Revelations 3:20 says, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock;
if anyone will open, I will come in.)
The following Sunday, a woman handed him a card with her name and the
following message: "Genesis 3:10". ("I heard thy voice and I was naked, so
I hid myself.")
--------------------------
From: king@presto.ig.com (Edward J. King)
A peripheral visionary: One who sees into the future but way off to one side
Steven Wright.
--------------------------
From: cbarnard@majestix.cs.uoregon.edu (Christopher L. Barnard)
I found this rather amusing. I swear I'm not making it up... There is a
sign on Northbound I-5 just north of Grants Pass, Oregon that says:
Litter Control, next mile
United Federation of Planets
--------------------------
From: David Bromage [brom@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au]
"I think thinking is so important" - Baldrick
--------------------------
From: Sara Thompson
There were two little babies in a hospital nursery.
The little boy baby says, "I'm a little boy baby."
The little girl baby says, "How do you know?"
The little boy baby raises his gown and says, "See. Blue booties."
--------------------------
In Life batch 6.Q it read:
"In Waverly Ky, it is illegal to practice or teach any martial art in a
bakery within the city limits!
Watch out for those custard pie throwing Ninja's!!!"
And Harold J. Shinsato:OSBU North
responded:
There is a funny comic book called the Trouble with Girls,
(Lester Girls is a ridiculous James Bond type character).
One of Lester's enemies are a group of Ninja Chef's.
They've got the black Ninja outfit on, with little white
aprons on. It seems that the Ninja Chef's must have had
a operation going on in Waverly, Ky!
--------------------------
From: Joan D. Young:SCB3 Versatec
I got the latest Reader's Digest (August, 1993) yesterday and came across
the following that I found funny:
Imogene, a town of 80-some people in southwestern Iowa, has a
humorous monthly magazine, THE IMOGENE HUB. A headline in one
issue read: "Imogene Zoo Closes."
The one-sentence story followed: "The chicken died."
Ad found in the Sonora, Calif., UNION-DEMOCRAT:
"Stationary bike. Life-style change. Fat guy wants money for new sofa."
--------------------------
From blally@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Phiber Optik)
Did you hear about the blonde's carpool?
they met at work
--------------------------
From: kirchman@oxygen.aps1.anl.gov (Jeff A. Kirchman)
"The surest sign of intelligent life on other
planets is that they haven't tried to contact us."
--------------------------
From: Henry Cate III:OSBU North
I was talking with someone today and they said there are some TV stations
in Europe that do simple all night broadcasting to help people fall asleep.
One shows a simple aquarium.
The second is a camera mounted on a Train and just shows what the train sees
The third stations shows people dressed up as sheep jumping over a fence
--------------------------
From: manfred@frog.apana.org.au (Manfred Hanley)
In his sig file:
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days, than a bad memory.
--------------------------
From: fnord@panix.com (Cliff Heller)
Q: Where does Dr. McCoy work out?
A: The He's Dead Gym
--------------------------
From: nathan@cco.caltech.edu (Nathan Mates)
Fu Ling Yu says:
15. Shotgun wedding is case of wife or death.
--------------------------
The following was from Seth Tepfer's plan:
labst@emoryu1.cc.emory.edu (seth tepfer)
-----
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
-----
The first casualty when war comes is truth. -- Hiram Johnson
-----
Maybe we're about to radically change the operating system
of the human condition. If so, then this would be a really good
time to make backups of our civilization.' -- Bruce Sterling
--------------------------
From: Kristin G. McClintock:OSBU North
Q: What is the difference between "Jurassic Park" and Xerox?
A: One is a high-tech theme park dominated by dinosaurs, and the
other is a Steven Spielberg movie.
--------------------------
From: bartlone@colossus.med.ge.com (Mike Bartolone 5-4266)
From the bonsai mailing list/rec.arts.bonsai newsgroup:
]]At the County Fair, at our Bonsai booth, people ask if we are being
]]cruel to the trees. I reply, with a straight face, " But I took them
]]our of their pots and told them they were free and they didn't move."
]]Sandy Vrooman
]A friend of mine always looked askance upon my "tree torturing" hobby,
]until I told him that I always asked the tree first whether it wanted to
]be a bonsai. It really changed his opinion.
]
](Just explain to the trees the pros and cons. Some trees have turned down
]the offer; you just have to listen carefully.)
]Hud Nordin
Just ask those folks who deride trees in bondage if they cut their lawns
or prune hedges. Then make that sound much worse than what you do to
the trees with their permission.
I have also found in Bonsai you work with the tree or the tree won't play.
Sandy Vrooman--
--------------------------
Subj: Review of Robin hood: Men in Tights
From: stantz@sybase.com (Mark Stantz)
I have a housemate who works for a theater concessions company,
and periodically he can get us in free at the theaters where his
company does business. "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" was showing at one
of these theaters. I shelled out nothing more than an hour and forty
minutes of my life.
I want it back.
--------------------------
From: driskill@asylum.cs.utah.edu (Hank Driskill)
Just reminded me... a while back, channel 2 here in Salt Lake had a special on
polygamists (which are illegal in Utah, but still exist back in the rural
areas). They had this discussion on their late night talk program... the
commercials said "Tonight, polygamists on Take Two"
--------------------------
From: Roberto Alazar:ESCP10
Subj: And another PI funny story
(PI = politically incorrect)
Just re-elected NOW president Jill Ireland misquoted Pat Robertson as defining
feminism as follows (in fact, Robertson had merely, and explicitly, quoted a
pamphlet from a feminist fringe group as defining feminism as follows):
1. Killing your children
2. Leaving your husband
3. Practicing witchcraft
4. Crushing capitalism
5. Becomming a Lesbian
Ms. Ireland then added, "Four out of five ain't bad!"
Puzzle: which of the five did Ms. Ireland think was inappropriate as defining feminism.
--------------------------
The following are from:
"Kevin W. McAuley" [kwm@cs.umb.edu]
1 do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool
over their eyes?
5 if you don't have a license, would you still get a ticket
if you drove someone up a wall?
20 do vegatarians eat animal crackers?
21 if a tree falls in the forest and noone is there,
and it lands on a sealy posturepedic matress, does
it make a sound.
22 have you ever called 411 and asked for the number for 911?
43 i have a 6 figure income ... unfortunately, all 6 figures are
zeroes.
2 ever seen on a job application: 'check box if you are blind.'?
who's gonna use it?
10 you know when you're being arrested and they read you your
rights, then ask you if you understood 'em? ... if you say
'no', do they have to let you go?
19 i don't get the concept of an answering machine on your phone.
when you call one, shouldn't you get some answers? but you don't.
this confuses me.
-----
* you can sign a check,
you can cosign a check
but you can't tangent a check.
-----
evian spelled backwards is naive. it's french water with an attitude.
-----
[ not sure but i think this is j. marder[sic]]
'i james brown had gone to an ivy-league college [it would have been]:
'i feel well!'
[ i knew that i shall]
-----
'always a bride but never a bridesmade.'
elizabeth taylor
-----
* i have one track mind and the monorail just pulled out of
the station.
* i'm, depressed, my imaginary freind won't even play with me.
--------------------------
From: nathan@cco.caltech.edu (Nathan Mates)
The world can spot a cs engineering students from miles off.
The ten sure clues:
1. When dating: ends up together in front of a computer.
2. In the street: he's the one carrying a box of floppy discs.
3. In discussion: is the one who starts laughing hysterically
when the topic of computer reliability is brought up.
4. Anywhere: Red watery eyes, and sleepy if awake before 4pm.
5. Bumper sticker on car: My ware is harder, bigger and faster than yours.
7. Cancels dates because he's too occupied with a new mud.
--------------------------
A sig file
From: "Marty Leisner" [leisner@eso.mc.xerox.com]
"Measuring software productivity by lines of code is like measuring
progress on an airplane by how much it weighs." -- Bill Gates
--------------------------
From: J.D.Morris-Smith@cs.bham.ac.uk sig file
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates '81
--------------------------
From: ogus@impact.xerox.com (Roy Ogus)
In similar vein ...
From the index in Don Knuth's book on Computer Science algirithms:
Circular definition,
see Definition, circular
.....
Definition, circular,
see Circular definition
--------------------------
From: Anthony J Stieber [anthony@csd4.csd.uwm.edu]
From today's paper: [New Zealand I think]
"It all started back in 1966 when they changed from pounds to dollars.
My bloody overdraft doubled. Then they brought in kilograms instead of
pounds, my bloody wool clip dropped by half.
"Then they changed rain to millimetres and we haven't had an inch of rain
since. They bring in celsius and it never gets over 40 degrees. No wonder
my bloody wheat won't grow. Then they change acres to hectares and I end
up with half the bloody land I had.
"By this time I'd had it and decided to sell out. I just get the place
in and agent's hands when they changed from miles to kilometres. Now I'm
too bloody far out of town for anyone to buy the bloody place".
--------------------------
From: Darryl Hahn:OSBU North
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like
a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes
straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns
him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is
driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the
throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just
makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird
in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches,
and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a
stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the
freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks
and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the
bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so
worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to
improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that
has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
--------------------------
From: John A. McNelly:sd
From: ember!vicuna@math.uwaterloo.ca
From: terry@gtm-inc.com (Terry Gerritsen)
SPALDING, England - -In what is being hailed as a landmark decision, a bank
that mistakenly bounced a client's cheques will pay more than 50,000 pounds in
libel damages, a British court has ruled. The July decision from the High
Court concluded a nine-year legal battle between Brian and Margaret Allen,
operators of a Lincolnshire meat firm, and Llyods Bank.
The conflict began in 1983 when several cheques from the Allen's company
were returned by the bank unpaid and marked "Refer to drawer, please
re-present," even though there were sufficient funds in the account to cover
them. The Allen's counsel, Micheal Tugendhat, said that the couple took the
bank to court because they wanted to "eradicate publicly any doubt about their
financial soundness and credit worthiness" created by the error.
The libel case is believed to be the first of its kind to reach British
courts in this century. Expert Mark Stephens commented that the problem is
common but "very few people, including lawyers, are aware that it amounts to
libel. The suggestion is that someone issued a cheque knowing he had
insufficient funds to meet it, and that can be a very serious libel.
(The Lawyers Weekly)
--------------------------
From: tes0@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (THOMAS EDWIN SCHMIDLIN)
Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective.
Rather than ask the standard questions during the interview,
the chief decided to ask each applicant just one question
and base his decision upon that answer.
When the first man arrived for his interview, the chief asked, "Who killed
Jesus Christ?" The first man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed
him." The chief thanked him and he left.
When the second man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same
question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief
thanked the man who then left.
When the third man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same
question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time
before giving an answer?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tommorrow."
When the third man arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?"
He replied, "Great, I got the job! I'm already investigating a murder!":-)
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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