Date: 20 Aug 93 12:15:00 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life A.C
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections from Keith Bostic's mailing list
bostic@vangogh.cs.berkeley.edu
--------------------------
From: guy@auspex.com (Guy Harris)
]From a signature line:
It's hard to seize the day when you must first grapple with the
morning.
--------------------------
From: Don Steiny [steiny@steiny.com]
I met a guy that had been through a couple of divorces. He said
he isn't going to bother again; he's just going to find a woman he doesn't
like and buy her a house.
--------------------------
From: Marti Hearst [marti@auspex.berkeley.edu]
I ended up seeing Jurassic Park tonight, a day before it's official
opening. I won't say anything, except that the best line in the movie
(said by a little girl, yet), was "This is Unix -- I can use this!"
Take THAT, Microsoft.
--------------------------
QOTD
Research has shown that overweight computer programmers are
especially susceptible to the flu, that is, the burly nerd
gets the germ.
--------------------------
QOTD
"Let me blow that up for you again."
-- Gen. Colin Powell, referring to a photo of the Iraqi Intelligence
Service headquarters, previously hit during the Gulf War
--------------------------
QOTD
From a book review for "Berserk! Motiveless Random Massacres"
"Graham's Chester's examination of the relatively recent phenomenon of
motiveless armed massacres is certainly comprehensive. Like his subjects,
he spares nothing and nobody, detailing every bullet, every squeeze of
the trigger, from the first recorded case 1913 to the horrors of
Hungerford in 1987, and after. All of this century's armed mass killers
are represented in his hall of infamy. Not surprisingly, most are
Americans."
-- (The London) Sunday Times, 2 May 1993 Section Six, page 6
--------------------------
QOTD
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Jim Harkins
--------------------------
QOTD
"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
to the sea and drown yourselves."
"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
you human beings don't."
-- James Thurber
--------------------------
The Rook 9,479 questionable Doctors is published by:
Public Citizens Health Research Group
Dept QD2
2000 P Street, NW, #700
Washington, DC 200036
For $10,, you can get a copy of the book listing those doctors
who have been disciplined by your state's licensing board.
Normally this information is RESTRICTED to other doctors and
hospital administrators.
--------------------------
This is taken from the paper "How to Write a Scientific Paper" by
Robert Day:
A Hampshire, England, fire department received a government memorandum
seeking satatistical information. One of the questions was, "How many
people do you employ, broken down by sex.?"
The Bible published in English during the time of Charles the
First read: "Thou shall commit adultery."
Another edition of the Bible published in 1653 has the line:
"Know ye that the unrighteous shall inherit the kingdom of God."
--------------------------
This is from the May 1993 issue of MAPS Digest. Enjoy.
ROCKHOUNDS LIVE LONGER
This study was released on April 1, 1993 by the Wigwag Statistical Group
via Osage Hill Gems (4/93).
A recent study has concluded that people who engage in the "rockhound"
hobby live, on an average, more than three years longer than non-rockhounds.
The study concluded that there was no way to ascribe the results to any
particular cause. Of course, sustained mental activity, frequent exercise
while hunting and working with stones, the relaxation of frequent social
intercourse, and the friendly support of their peers are all possible factors.
The study showed a further breakdown between three major areas of the hobby -
mineral study, fossil study, and rock and gem collection and working. Of the
three, fossil collectors actually lived the longest --not, as some wag
suggested, because they spent their time among peers. The mineral collectors
were next long-lived. The shortest life span was found among the rock and
gem people. Some attribute this to the group tendency to lick rock samples
of unknown composition.
Among specific activities of the hobby, the lifespans seemed to fall in the
following order (from longest to shortest): fossil identification, fossil
cleaning and preparation, carving, slabbers, cabochon making, silversmithing,
faceting. The statistical sample studied was too small to arrive at any
conclusions from this list, but it is noted that those activities that may
make dust, seems to fall nearer to the bottom of the list.
--------------------------
From: Barbara Hlavin [twain@u.washington.edu]
Subject: Life's Little Mysteries
I was standing at the washing machine, waiting for it to fill with water
so I could add some bleach, when this statement on the bottle caught my
eye: "It is a violation of Federal law to use this product in a manner
inconsistent with its labeling."
"Inconsistent," that's an *interesting* word.
Intrigued, I read the entire label, trying to figure out which
instruction, if not followed properly, could lead to Federal indictment.
-Sort laundry by color?
-Add bleach and detergent with the wash water before the laundry is put in?
-Flush toilet before putting bleach in the bowl?
-Do not use or mix with other household cleansers?
-Store Clorox bleach in a cool, dry place?
What if I store it in a warm, wet place? Will the Feds come a-knockin' at
my door?
There are lots and LOTS of uses "inconsistent with its labeling": adding
it to the soup, for instance. Putting a dab behind each ear before a
date. Filling your fountain pen with it. Are these Federal offenses?
Common sense tells me that it's a warning not to use it to try and
murder someone, but murder, the last I heard, was a criminal offense,
not Federal.
WHAT FEDERAL LAW COVERS IMPROPER USE OF HOUSEHOLD BLEACH?
--------------------------
Lobster:
Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
you and your friends will be, too.
-- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils
into Excuses and Apologies
--------------------------
From: wilder@mik.uky.edu (jeff wilder)
This is a true story. I had to choose between r.h.f [rec.humor.funny]
and Reader's Digest's "Campus Comedy." It was an agonizing choice. Really.
In my Intro to Psych course, the instructor was attempting to illustrate
the weakness of surveys as devices for gathering information for
correlational purposes.
"Let's say you take a survey of prostitutes in a small city," says she.
"Of those prostitutes, a remarkable 48% of those listing religions have
listed 'Episcopalian.' Can you then justifiably make any kind of
correlation such as, 'Episcopalians are more likely to become prostitutes'?"
There was a class-wide murmur of, "No."
My instructor nodded. "Right. Why not? What are the problems with
that statement?"
A few hands crept tentatively upward, but before my instructor could
select one of the volunteers, a woman behind me audibly muttered,
"They're confusing Episcopalians and Baptists."
--------------------------
Quoted from the "Overheard" section of the April 1993
issue of "UnixWorld":
Here's part of a letter UnixWorld received from Microsoft: "The
library at Microsoft has been receiving requests from employees
for copies of particular articles from [UnixWorld], and Microsoft
would like to include the publication in its list of approved
publications for article reproduction. We request that you sign
this letter and consent to Microsoft and its subsidiaries reproducing
copies of selected articles from the publication obtained from any
source and in any format."
And the response from UnixWorld...
Sure, if we can do the same with your software.
--------------------------
The following is from a real transcript of a deposition. Just so you can
keep it straight, attorneys Ms. E--, Mr. G--, and Mr. D-- are questioning
Bob Dibbs about the affairs of a certain Mr. Smith.
Ms. E-- Do you have a recollection that Mr. Smith ever
requested that the claims file be sent to him
for review prior to the decision to deny coverage?
Bob I only have a general recollection of conversations
with Mr. Smith. I have no specific recollections
along the line that you suggest.
Ms. E-- So that's a "no"?
Bob "No."
Ms. E-- Thank you.
Mr. G-- I'm sorry. That was a little ambiguous.
Mr. D-- When she says, "So that's a 'no'?" and you said,
"'No,'" you meant "no" to her question and not
"no" to her?
Bob I meant "no" to her question.
Mr. D-- Or "yes" to her, "no" that's a question.
Ms. E-- The answer to my question then is "no"; is that
right, Mr. Smith?
Bob Well, I'm not Mr. Smith.
Ms. E-- I'm sorry, Mr. Dibbs.
Thank you, Bob, for bringing that to my attention.
Would you like to change your answer to my question,
or is the answer still "no"?
Bob Depends upon which question you're referring to.
Ms. E-- Why don't we move along. I think the record will
be reasonably muddled on that point.
--------------------------
From: [bellcore!research.att.com!pep]
From: td@research.att.com (Tom Duff)
From: The Observer (UK) May 16[?]
Taylor Series - a matter of life or death
Mathematics can even be a matter of life or death. During the Russian
revolution, the mathematical physicist Igor Tamm was seized by
anti-communist vigilantes at a village near Odessa where he had gone
to barter for food. They suspected he was an anti-Ukranian communist
agitator and dragged him off to their leader.
Asked what he did for a living he said that he was a mathematician.
The sceptical gang-leader began to finger the bullets and grenades
slung around his neck. "All right", he said, "calculate the error when
the Taylor series approximation of a function is truncated after n
terms. Do this and you will go free; fail and you will be shot". Tamm
slowly calculated the answer in the dust with his quivering finger.
When he had finished the bandit cast his eye over the answer and waved
him on his way.
Tamm won the 1958 Nobel prize for Physics but he never did discover
the identity of the unusual bandit leader. But he found a sure way to
concentrate his students' minds on the practical importance of
Mathematics!
--------------------------
From: Peter Langston [pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com]
From: [pep@research.att.com]
From the 5/20/93 edition of "The Westfield Leader":
With 656 new attorneys who recently passed the state bar examination,
New Jersey will have one lawyer for every 153 residents, more licensed
attorneys per capita than any other state in the Union.
[ The new state total is 50,546 attorneys. ]
By comparison, there are 45,502 state, county, municipal and university
law enforcement officers, 34,867 criminals behind bars and 17,500
physicians.
. . .
. . . in 1992, the number of licensed attorneys grew by 3,700, a
figure . . . greater than the total number of lawyers in a number of
smaller states. In Montana, for example, the total number of licensed
lawyers is 2,161, according to the American Bar Association, in South
Dakota 1,385, and in Wyoming, 1,385.
. . .
In New York, there are 95,859 attorneys, one for every 188 residents.
In Massachusetts, there are 29,764, one for every 202 residents. . . .
In California, there are 104,201 attorneys, one for every 286 residents.
[So what I want to know is, if there is such a surplus of lawyers, why ain't
they cheap? For extra-credit: Is this an argument for or against supply-side
economics? -psl]
--------------------------
From: rick@uunet.uu.net (Rick Adams)
Doing some extrapolations on the usenet traffic data I've been
collecting since 1984, gives these "interesting" numbers:
The amazing part is the correlation coefficient!
value doubles correlation coefficient squared
(months) (exponential fit)
articles/day 15 0.98
megabytes/day 15 0.99
posting sites 18 0.99
posting users 17 0.99
groups 20 0.96
--------------------------
From: whatsnew@apsedoff.bitnet
U.S. QUIETLY DROPS "BROAD INTERPRETATION" OF THE ABM TREATY.
Yet another relic of the "Star Wars" missile defense program has
been abandoned. In 1972, the Senate voted 88-2 to ratify the ABM
treaty with the understanding that the treaty banned development
and testing, as well as deployment, of space-based ABM systems.
Thirteen years later, however, a White House lawyer claimed to
find a loophole in the negotiating record that permitted testing
and development of systems based on "new physical principles"--
the so-called "broad interpretation." Like all religious visions,
only the faithful could see it. The lawyer, Abraham Sofaer, is
now working for Moammar Gadhafi, representing Libya in the Pan Am
103 case for an undisclosed fee. The Clinton Administration this
week reaffirmed the "narrow" interpretation of the ABM treaty.
--------------------------
From: Peter S. Langston [pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com]
[Back when I worked at a Wall Street law firm I used to hear lots of
these stories - from the lawyers, of course. It's nice to know that
nothing has really changed... -psl]
From: "Charles A. Bigelow" [bigelow@CS.Stanford.EDU]
According to the San Francisco Chronicle, in a recent California State
Bar examination, one of the candidates suffered a seizure. Of the 600
aspiring lawyer candidates in the room, only two went to the aid of
the stricken man. The two good samaritans rendered assistance until
paramedics arrived, and then asked for additional time to complete the
test. The exam proctor refused, since life-saving activities are not
recognized by the Bar as a sufficient reason to grant extra time.
Later, a spokesman for the the Bar Association defended the proctor's
actions, explaining that the Bar must maintain high standards.*
Many people who heard this story were shocked that such a high
percentage of the would-be attorneys (0.03%) actually went to the aid
of a fellow human being in distress, and doubted whether the two good
samaritans had the right stuff to be real lawyers. Further doubts were
raised when one of them was asked why no one else in the room came to
the aid of the stricken candidate. He charitably suggested that
possibly the other candidates saw that the stricken man was in capable
hands and hence realized that no further assistance was needed. Since
one of the good samaritans was a woman and the other a man, no
gender-based explanation has been put forward for their aberrant
behavior.
* At an annual meeting some years ago, the President of the Bar told
his fellow lawyers that they had a moral duty to help stamp out the
scurrilous lawyer jokes that were making a mockery of the noble
profession of law. To aid in this crusade, a group of lawyers who own
a self-help law publishing company in Berkeley immediately published a
compilation of the jokes, presumably to help show their colleagues and
the public just how bad the jokes really were.
--------------------------
bear@kestrel.fsl.noaa.gov (Bear Giles) writes:
Newsgroups: sci.skeptic,talk.origins,alt.atheism
The players of the RPG are all missionaries for Christ, and
the dungeon is populated with skeptics, heretics, doubters,
etc.
The purpose of the game is to train the players as better
missionaries. Battle is done by quoting Scripture at the
infidels, your "gold" is actually "souls saved", etc.
GM: You head down the long hallway. The floor tile is old,
and yellowed from waxy buildup. At the end of the hall is a
wooden door with a narrow vertical window.
Player 1: I look in the window.
GM: It's dark inside.
Player 2: We open the door and go in.
GM: You enter a large room with a number of black slate tables.
The tables are covered with piles of scientific apparatus, heaps
of lab notes, and some still-ungraded homeworks from the beginning
of the term. Looking closer, you realize that the equipment seems
like it's seen recent use; you grow uneasy.
Player 1: Uh-oh.
GM: Suddenly, a door creaks open behind you! Whirling, you
see a humanoid in a white lab coat with a fringe of white hair
and glasses.
Player 1: Eek! An evilutionist!
Player 2: I ready my list of quotations.
Player 3: I fling my Argument From Design.
GM: The argument bounces off. Looks like he's heard it before.
Player 2: Uh-oh. Fourth level, at least.
GM: The humanoid presents the fossil record. Make your saving
throw to ignore it.
Player 1: I got an 18.
Player 2: I got a 14; whew!
Player 3: Oh, no [looking disconsolately at a '4']
GM: Oops. You wavered. It'll take you... three rounds
of reading ICR literature to recover. Lose 150 Mindless Faith
points.
Player 3: [sigh] It's up to you guys, I guess.
GM: The evilutionist advances, dating radioisotopes glittering
evilly from his fingernails...
Will our heroes overcome the evilutionist? What other
terrors lurk in the Halls of Science? Tune in tomorrow
for the next exciting session.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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