Date: 20 Aug 93 12:15:00 PDT (Friday) Subject: Life A.C ---------------------------------------------------- The following are selections from Keith Bostic's mailing list bostic@vangogh.cs.berkeley.edu -------------------------- From: guy@auspex.com (Guy Harris) ]From a signature line: It's hard to seize the day when you must first grapple with the morning. -------------------------- From: Don Steiny [steiny@steiny.com] I met a guy that had been through a couple of divorces. He said he isn't going to bother again; he's just going to find a woman he doesn't like and buy her a house. -------------------------- From: Marti Hearst [marti@auspex.berkeley.edu] I ended up seeing Jurassic Park tonight, a day before it's official opening. I won't say anything, except that the best line in the movie (said by a little girl, yet), was "This is Unix -- I can use this!" Take THAT, Microsoft. -------------------------- QOTD Research has shown that overweight computer programmers are especially susceptible to the flu, that is, the burly nerd gets the germ. -------------------------- QOTD "Let me blow that up for you again." -- Gen. Colin Powell, referring to a photo of the Iraqi Intelligence Service headquarters, previously hit during the Gulf War -------------------------- QOTD From a book review for "Berserk! Motiveless Random Massacres" "Graham's Chester's examination of the relatively recent phenomenon of motiveless armed massacres is certainly comprehensive. Like his subjects, he spares nothing and nobody, detailing every bullet, every squeeze of the trigger, from the first recorded case 1913 to the horrors of Hungerford in 1987, and after. All of this century's armed mass killers are represented in his hall of infamy. Not surprisingly, most are Americans." -- (The London) Sunday Times, 2 May 1993 Section Six, page 6 -------------------------- QOTD I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. Jim Harkins -------------------------- QOTD "I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down to the sea and drown yourselves." "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why you human beings don't." -- James Thurber -------------------------- The Rook 9,479 questionable Doctors is published by: Public Citizens Health Research Group Dept QD2 2000 P Street, NW, #700 Washington, DC 200036 For $10,, you can get a copy of the book listing those doctors who have been disciplined by your state's licensing board. Normally this information is RESTRICTED to other doctors and hospital administrators. -------------------------- This is taken from the paper "How to Write a Scientific Paper" by Robert Day: A Hampshire, England, fire department received a government memorandum seeking satatistical information. One of the questions was, "How many people do you employ, broken down by sex.?" The Bible published in English during the time of Charles the First read: "Thou shall commit adultery." Another edition of the Bible published in 1653 has the line: "Know ye that the unrighteous shall inherit the kingdom of God." -------------------------- This is from the May 1993 issue of MAPS Digest. Enjoy. ROCKHOUNDS LIVE LONGER This study was released on April 1, 1993 by the Wigwag Statistical Group via Osage Hill Gems (4/93). A recent study has concluded that people who engage in the "rockhound" hobby live, on an average, more than three years longer than non-rockhounds. The study concluded that there was no way to ascribe the results to any particular cause. Of course, sustained mental activity, frequent exercise while hunting and working with stones, the relaxation of frequent social intercourse, and the friendly support of their peers are all possible factors. The study showed a further breakdown between three major areas of the hobby - mineral study, fossil study, and rock and gem collection and working. Of the three, fossil collectors actually lived the longest --not, as some wag suggested, because they spent their time among peers. The mineral collectors were next long-lived. The shortest life span was found among the rock and gem people. Some attribute this to the group tendency to lick rock samples of unknown composition. Among specific activities of the hobby, the lifespans seemed to fall in the following order (from longest to shortest): fossil identification, fossil cleaning and preparation, carving, slabbers, cabochon making, silversmithing, faceting. The statistical sample studied was too small to arrive at any conclusions from this list, but it is noted that those activities that may make dust, seems to fall nearer to the bottom of the list. -------------------------- From: Barbara Hlavin [twain@u.washington.edu] Subject: Life's Little Mysteries I was standing at the washing machine, waiting for it to fill with water so I could add some bleach, when this statement on the bottle caught my eye: "It is a violation of Federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling." "Inconsistent," that's an *interesting* word. Intrigued, I read the entire label, trying to figure out which instruction, if not followed properly, could lead to Federal indictment. -Sort laundry by color? -Add bleach and detergent with the wash water before the laundry is put in? -Flush toilet before putting bleach in the bowl? -Do not use or mix with other household cleansers? -Store Clorox bleach in a cool, dry place? What if I store it in a warm, wet place? Will the Feds come a-knockin' at my door? There are lots and LOTS of uses "inconsistent with its labeling": adding it to the soup, for instance. Putting a dab behind each ear before a date. Filling your fountain pen with it. Are these Federal offenses? Common sense tells me that it's a warning not to use it to try and murder someone, but murder, the last I heard, was a criminal offense, not Federal. WHAT FEDERAL LAW COVERS IMPROPER USE OF HOUSEHOLD BLEACH? -------------------------- Lobster: Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, too. -- Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies -------------------------- From: wilder@mik.uky.edu (jeff wilder) This is a true story. I had to choose between r.h.f [rec.humor.funny] and Reader's Digest's "Campus Comedy." It was an agonizing choice. Really. In my Intro to Psych course, the instructor was attempting to illustrate the weakness of surveys as devices for gathering information for correlational purposes. "Let's say you take a survey of prostitutes in a small city," says she. "Of those prostitutes, a remarkable 48% of those listing religions have listed 'Episcopalian.' Can you then justifiably make any kind of correlation such as, 'Episcopalians are more likely to become prostitutes'?" There was a class-wide murmur of, "No." My instructor nodded. "Right. Why not? What are the problems with that statement?" A few hands crept tentatively upward, but before my instructor could select one of the volunteers, a woman behind me audibly muttered, "They're confusing Episcopalians and Baptists." -------------------------- Quoted from the "Overheard" section of the April 1993 issue of "UnixWorld": Here's part of a letter UnixWorld received from Microsoft: "The library at Microsoft has been receiving requests from employees for copies of particular articles from [UnixWorld], and Microsoft would like to include the publication in its list of approved publications for article reproduction. We request that you sign this letter and consent to Microsoft and its subsidiaries reproducing copies of selected articles from the publication obtained from any source and in any format." And the response from UnixWorld... Sure, if we can do the same with your software. -------------------------- The following is from a real transcript of a deposition. Just so you can keep it straight, attorneys Ms. E--, Mr. G--, and Mr. D-- are questioning Bob Dibbs about the affairs of a certain Mr. Smith. Ms. E-- Do you have a recollection that Mr. Smith ever requested that the claims file be sent to him for review prior to the decision to deny coverage? Bob I only have a general recollection of conversations with Mr. Smith. I have no specific recollections along the line that you suggest. Ms. E-- So that's a "no"? Bob "No." Ms. E-- Thank you. Mr. G-- I'm sorry. That was a little ambiguous. Mr. D-- When she says, "So that's a 'no'?" and you said, "'No,'" you meant "no" to her question and not "no" to her? Bob I meant "no" to her question. Mr. D-- Or "yes" to her, "no" that's a question. Ms. E-- The answer to my question then is "no"; is that right, Mr. Smith? Bob Well, I'm not Mr. Smith. Ms. E-- I'm sorry, Mr. Dibbs. Thank you, Bob, for bringing that to my attention. Would you like to change your answer to my question, or is the answer still "no"? Bob Depends upon which question you're referring to. Ms. E-- Why don't we move along. I think the record will be reasonably muddled on that point. -------------------------- From: [bellcore!research.att.com!pep] From: td@research.att.com (Tom Duff) From: The Observer (UK) May 16[?] Taylor Series - a matter of life or death Mathematics can even be a matter of life or death. During the Russian revolution, the mathematical physicist Igor Tamm was seized by anti-communist vigilantes at a village near Odessa where he had gone to barter for food. They suspected he was an anti-Ukranian communist agitator and dragged him off to their leader. Asked what he did for a living he said that he was a mathematician. The sceptical gang-leader began to finger the bullets and grenades slung around his neck. "All right", he said, "calculate the error when the Taylor series approximation of a function is truncated after n terms. Do this and you will go free; fail and you will be shot". Tamm slowly calculated the answer in the dust with his quivering finger. When he had finished the bandit cast his eye over the answer and waved him on his way. Tamm won the 1958 Nobel prize for Physics but he never did discover the identity of the unusual bandit leader. But he found a sure way to concentrate his students' minds on the practical importance of Mathematics! -------------------------- From: Peter Langston [pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com] From: [pep@research.att.com] From the 5/20/93 edition of "The Westfield Leader": With 656 new attorneys who recently passed the state bar examination, New Jersey will have one lawyer for every 153 residents, more licensed attorneys per capita than any other state in the Union. [ The new state total is 50,546 attorneys. ] By comparison, there are 45,502 state, county, municipal and university law enforcement officers, 34,867 criminals behind bars and 17,500 physicians. . . . . . . in 1992, the number of licensed attorneys grew by 3,700, a figure . . . greater than the total number of lawyers in a number of smaller states. In Montana, for example, the total number of licensed lawyers is 2,161, according to the American Bar Association, in South Dakota 1,385, and in Wyoming, 1,385. . . . In New York, there are 95,859 attorneys, one for every 188 residents. In Massachusetts, there are 29,764, one for every 202 residents. . . . In California, there are 104,201 attorneys, one for every 286 residents. [So what I want to know is, if there is such a surplus of lawyers, why ain't they cheap? For extra-credit: Is this an argument for or against supply-side economics? -psl] -------------------------- From: rick@uunet.uu.net (Rick Adams) Doing some extrapolations on the usenet traffic data I've been collecting since 1984, gives these "interesting" numbers: The amazing part is the correlation coefficient! value doubles correlation coefficient squared (months) (exponential fit) articles/day 15 0.98 megabytes/day 15 0.99 posting sites 18 0.99 posting users 17 0.99 groups 20 0.96 -------------------------- From: whatsnew@apsedoff.bitnet U.S. QUIETLY DROPS "BROAD INTERPRETATION" OF THE ABM TREATY. Yet another relic of the "Star Wars" missile defense program has been abandoned. In 1972, the Senate voted 88-2 to ratify the ABM treaty with the understanding that the treaty banned development and testing, as well as deployment, of space-based ABM systems. Thirteen years later, however, a White House lawyer claimed to find a loophole in the negotiating record that permitted testing and development of systems based on "new physical principles"-- the so-called "broad interpretation." Like all religious visions, only the faithful could see it. The lawyer, Abraham Sofaer, is now working for Moammar Gadhafi, representing Libya in the Pan Am 103 case for an undisclosed fee. The Clinton Administration this week reaffirmed the "narrow" interpretation of the ABM treaty. -------------------------- From: Peter S. Langston [pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com] [Back when I worked at a Wall Street law firm I used to hear lots of these stories - from the lawyers, of course. It's nice to know that nothing has really changed... -psl] From: "Charles A. Bigelow" [bigelow@CS.Stanford.EDU] According to the San Francisco Chronicle, in a recent California State Bar examination, one of the candidates suffered a seizure. Of the 600 aspiring lawyer candidates in the room, only two went to the aid of the stricken man. The two good samaritans rendered assistance until paramedics arrived, and then asked for additional time to complete the test. The exam proctor refused, since life-saving activities are not recognized by the Bar as a sufficient reason to grant extra time. Later, a spokesman for the the Bar Association defended the proctor's actions, explaining that the Bar must maintain high standards.* Many people who heard this story were shocked that such a high percentage of the would-be attorneys (0.03%) actually went to the aid of a fellow human being in distress, and doubted whether the two good samaritans had the right stuff to be real lawyers. Further doubts were raised when one of them was asked why no one else in the room came to the aid of the stricken candidate. He charitably suggested that possibly the other candidates saw that the stricken man was in capable hands and hence realized that no further assistance was needed. Since one of the good samaritans was a woman and the other a man, no gender-based explanation has been put forward for their aberrant behavior. * At an annual meeting some years ago, the President of the Bar told his fellow lawyers that they had a moral duty to help stamp out the scurrilous lawyer jokes that were making a mockery of the noble profession of law. To aid in this crusade, a group of lawyers who own a self-help law publishing company in Berkeley immediately published a compilation of the jokes, presumably to help show their colleagues and the public just how bad the jokes really were. -------------------------- bear@kestrel.fsl.noaa.gov (Bear Giles) writes: Newsgroups: sci.skeptic,talk.origins,alt.atheism The players of the RPG are all missionaries for Christ, and the dungeon is populated with skeptics, heretics, doubters, etc. The purpose of the game is to train the players as better missionaries. Battle is done by quoting Scripture at the infidels, your "gold" is actually "souls saved", etc. GM: You head down the long hallway. The floor tile is old, and yellowed from waxy buildup. At the end of the hall is a wooden door with a narrow vertical window. Player 1: I look in the window. GM: It's dark inside. Player 2: We open the door and go in. GM: You enter a large room with a number of black slate tables. The tables are covered with piles of scientific apparatus, heaps of lab notes, and some still-ungraded homeworks from the beginning of the term. Looking closer, you realize that the equipment seems like it's seen recent use; you grow uneasy. Player 1: Uh-oh. GM: Suddenly, a door creaks open behind you! Whirling, you see a humanoid in a white lab coat with a fringe of white hair and glasses. Player 1: Eek! An evilutionist! Player 2: I ready my list of quotations. Player 3: I fling my Argument From Design. GM: The argument bounces off. Looks like he's heard it before. Player 2: Uh-oh. Fourth level, at least. GM: The humanoid presents the fossil record. Make your saving throw to ignore it. Player 1: I got an 18. Player 2: I got a 14; whew! Player 3: Oh, no [looking disconsolately at a '4'] GM: Oops. You wavered. It'll take you... three rounds of reading ICR literature to recover. Lose 150 Mindless Faith points. Player 3: [sigh] It's up to you guys, I guess. GM: The evilutionist advances, dating radioisotopes glittering evilly from his fingernails... Will our heroes overcome the evilutionist? What other terrors lurk in the Halls of Science? Tune in tomorrow for the next exciting session. -- Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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