Date: 17 Aug 93 15:33:50 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life A.9
The following are from the newsgroup rec.humor.funny
----------------------------------------------------
From: grey@futon.sfsu.edu (Herbert Leong)
I remembered this after I read a joke about the worst airport in a
previous posting:
I have a friend who visited relatives in the Miami, Florada area and was not
at all pleased to go...
He said something along the lines of:
"...You know it's gonna be bad when the first thing they do at the
airport is put a tag on your bag that has "MIA" printed on it..."
--------------------------
From: kinnema@wkuvx1.bitnet (Mark Kinney, Attorney at Chaos)
On a Fundamentals of Public Speaking test recently, I was confronted with
the question:
List 5 methods of capturing audience attention (5 points).
After a few moments of thought and finally a "what the hell?" on my part,
I came up with this:
Humor
Shock
Anecdote
Rhetorical Question
Large Explosions
The interesting bit is that I got full credit for the question. I have a
speech due on Wednesday, so I guess it's time to break out the chemistry set.
--------------------------
From: kenb@ee.ubc.ca (Ken Buckland)
The other day my wife, son and I were at the beach. Lucas, at 2.5
years, is generally very good about being courteous and careful with
other people. Like any child his age however, he occasionally has
lapses. On this occasion he winged a frisbee at my wife. After he
did so I prompted him for the usual gosh-I-really-had-no-idea "Sorry."
Me: "Lucas, what do you say when you almost hit someone with something?"
Lucas: "Duck!"
Ken Buckland
--------------------------
From: perry1@husc.harvard.edu (The Next Lexus)
One of my roommates is from Newfoundland, which, in Canada, is
like Lousiana/Arkansas/(insert hick state here) culturally and the subject
of similar jokes. Last year, she didn't get the correct forms and forgot
to send in her taxes, so she was subject to numerous "Leona" jokes from
the rest of us all year. A few nights ago, noting that April 15 was right
around the corner, we reminded her and asked about her progress. Her
proud response:
"I've got the forms all filled out - except for the numbers."
And this is the Newfie that got into Harvard.
--------------------------
From: kkirksey@world.std.com (Ken B Kirksey)
]From the "What I pay my Legislooter For" department, two "gun control"
bills introduced recently by Senator Moynihan. Notice that, according
to the bill numbers, they were introduced simultaneously or in short
succession:
S-178 Sen. Moynihan (D-NY) Would prohibit the manufacture, sale,
importation of .25, .32, and 9mm
ammunition.
S-179 Sen. Moynihan (D-NY) Would place a 1,000% tax on the sale o
.32, and 9mm ammunition.
Ban it, then tax it?!? Reckon this is part of Clinton's deficit
reduction plan? :-)
--------------------------
From: wb8foz@mthvax.cs.miami.edu (David Lesher)
{seen in a .sig}
q) Why didn't Bill & Hillary send their daughter to DC Public Schools?
a) The Secret Service was afraid of being outgunned...
--------------------------
From: debevec@robotics.berkeley.edu (Paul Debevec)
Seen on the sign outside the Burger King on Green Street in Champaign, IL
last May:
______________________
| GOOD LUCK UI GRADS |
| |
| HELP WANTED |
______________________
--------------------------
From: ed@csd4.csd.uwm.edu (Ed Ahrenhoerster)
Radio stations east of the Mississippi all start with the letter "W",
while west of the Mississippi they all start with "K", but what about
all the Des Moines stations *in* the Mississippi?
--------------------------
From: spencer@phoenix.princeton.edu (S. Spencer Sun)
We have a mailroom where we can pick up packages that are too large to
fit in our mailboxes. Outside the window is a sign which was written
by someone with lousy handwriting, such that the 'u' in the word
"shout" looks like a second 'o'.
The sign thus reads:
THIS ROOM OPERATED BY HEARING IMPAIRED.
PLEASE SHOOT TO GET ATTENTION FOR SERVICE.
--------------------------
From: tewari@leland.stanford.edu
What's the no. 1 movie in Davenport
A River Runs Through It.
--------------------------
From: partee@iastate.edu
After the recent midwest flooding, a couple of new T-shirts have been
spotted around Ames, one of the areas that was hit by overflowing rivers.
One of the T-shirts says:
"Iowa: A Place to Row"
[For those of you who have never been to Iowa, the freeway signs say
"Welcome to Iowa: A place to grow"]
--------------------------
From: dj@ssd.kodak.com (Dave Jones)
Last day on this job and finally I get one worth posting....
Scene: A church on Sunday, the congregation waiting patiently. Suddenly,
over the PA system come some unexpected sounds. Water splashing in a bowl.
Something not unlike a toilet being flushed. Then, the sound of hands being
washed.
Finally the pastor appears, negligently still wearing his wireless mike....
--------------------------
From: rray@lookout.mnet.uswest.com (Randy J Ray)
While writing a document for some in-house software, the spell-checker in
FrameMaker flagged the word "superuser."
The best correction Frame could offer was "suppressor."
Kind of makes you think...
--------------------------
From: cosc4hf@menudo.uh.edu (Aditya Talwar)
]From The Wall Street Journal, April 20th, 1993, Page 1
English may soon be made compulsory in public schools from grade one --
to begin educating Mexicans on the foreign customs of America, as well
as its language. "If a policeman catches you driving fast," one textbook
warns travelers to the U.S., "you will have to pay a big fine."
At home, the book notes, such a problem would be resolved differently.
--------------------------
From: zz1bb@impending.ucsd.edu (Barry Brown)
I recently went to traffic school to pay my debt to society for going too
fast on the freewaay. The school was put on by the Improv Comedy Club, who
supplied a professional comedian to teach the school. Here is his formula
for not getting a ticket for running a stop sign:
Many people get pulled over for running a stop sign because they don't
correctly interpret the letters S-T-O-P when they see them. In order to
prevent any further confusion over this matter, I will tell you what they
mean.
When approaching the intersection, they stand for "Slow To Observe Police."
Then, "Slightly Tap Other Pedal." Finally, when it's time to go, "Skid Tires
On Pavement."
--------------------------
From: buttrey@gandalf.Berkeley.EDU (Samuel E. Buttrey)
(A true story from my friend in the Army)
In this particular branch of the Army's officer training school,
the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their
work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the
early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers.
"Four-seven-seven-zero?" he asked.
"Here," replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though,
he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper.
"Seven-zero-seven-five?" asked the instructor.
"Here," repeated the student, gearing for trouble.
"I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier," spoke the teacher.
"That's right, sir," answered our hero. "I have a nick-number."
--------------------------
From: bowe@osf.org
Making the rounds at OSF this week:
President Clinton, as part of his goal to increase technical
awareness and interest in the sciences, asked the various major
computer companies to cooperate in a large Multimedia publishing
project. The general theme was "Elephants".
The piece from Apple was titled: "User Friendly Elephants and
Their Friend, the Mouse".
IBM's: "How to Sell an Elephant to Someone Who Wants a Racehorse".
Novell's: "Connecting Elephants".
Borland's: "All Elephants Should Cost $99".
NeXT's: "Painting an Elephant Black".
Microsoft's: "Why You Should Buy Microsoft Windows".
--------------------------
From: volpe@ausable.crd.ge.com (Christopher R Volpe)
The electronic timecard recording program at our site uses an employee's
electronic "signature" (essentially a password) that must be changed
periodically. When the user changes his/her signature, the system
displays the following message:
SIGNATURE SUCCESSFULLY MODIFIED.
PRESS 'ENTER' TO EXIT PROGRAM....
I half-expect to walk to the elevators at the end of the day and see a
sign that says "Press 'UP' to go down".
--------------------------
From: kaye@linc.cis.upenn.edu (Jonathan Kaye)
Just a few interesting signs (and my attempting-to-be-humorous commentary):
"Paul's Collision Experts"
(don't people have enough accidents without needing a specialist?)
"National State Bank"
(well, which is it?)
Movie theater: "'Toys' now showing on two screens"
(why... can't it fit on one?)
Restaurant: "Breakfast & Sandwich Exchange"
(do you know where your food has been?)
Seen in a bar at a deaf university: "Last call 1AM"
(yeah, but who will hear it?)
--------------------------
From: BREEDON@kekvax.kek.jp (Richard Breedon)
TV for Tuesday, 16 April 1999, 8 pm, Ch. 9 LET FREEDOM WRING (Comedy/Drama)
Frustrated and bored by the lack of a clear scientific goal, the eight, or
possibly four, astronauts on Space Station Freedom set up a mock TV game show
and take turns trying to guess the cost of various on-board components. The
monotony is broken by an order from OSHA requiring that a wheel-chair ramp be
constructed on the docking port, or NASA may no longer accept Federal funds.
Special guest star: President Dan Quayle, on his way to Mars.
--------------------------
From: anderson@shylock.cs.rose-hulman.edu (Claude W. Anderson)
Last night President Clinton spoke to the nation on his
"Deficit Reduction Plan".
Today, when looking up the words for another song on the same album,
I happened to read for the first time the lyrics to the song "Mercy
Mercy" from The Seventy-Sevens' 1984 release "All Fall Down". I found
something unexpected. The final two lines of the printed lyrics are not
ever (as far as I can hear) actually sung. And they don't seem to have
anything to do with the rest of the song's lyrics.
They must have been planted in the liner notes as a
hidden message that could only be understood 9 years later:
BILLS BUDGETS SAVINGS AND LOAN
ALWAYS IN THE RED
--------------------------
From: pfs@mimuw.edu.pl (Piotr Filip Sawicki)
I heard it on BBC world news service, in the talk about post-communist
jokes and the sense of humor in Eastern Europe.
Overheard in Moscow:
What is the difference between Russian Optimist, Pessimist and Realist?
An Optimist learns German.
A Pessimist learns Chinese.
A Realist learns AK-47.
--------------------------
From: gurgle@netcom.com (Pete Gontier)
The following headline appeared in today's Computing section of
the San Jose Mercury News:
SOFTWARE THAT LET'S YOU BE CREATIVE WITH TYPE
I think the editor must have found a bug in the software's
"smart apostrophe" routines ...
--------------------------
From: electro!carlo@watcgl.uwaterloo.ca (Carlo Sgro)
Original, conceived of after my wonderfully pregnant wife's ultrasound ...
Top 5 List of Things NOT To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound
==========================================================================
5) Thirsty?
4) Where did the extra set of arms come from?
3) Why does it look so much like a lizard?
2) So what ARE the characteristics of hermaphroditism?
1) Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted.
Of course, the REAL #1 thing not to say is:
1) Honey, I've submitted a joke about your ultrasound to rec.humor.funny ...
--------------------------
From: roy@mchip00.med.nyu.edu (Roy Smith)
A dentist friend told this story last night at dinner. He claims
it's a true story that happened to his uncle. His uncle was also a dentist,
and was teaching at Columbia University some years ago.
He had a lecture to give at 8:00 and was driving into Manhattan from
his house on Long Island, reading his lecture notes as he drove along the
Northern State Parkway. He was paying more attention to the lecture notes
than to his driving and didn't see the car in front slow down, causing him
to slam into it. The whole front end of the car was smashed, the radiator
broken, steam pouring out of the radiator, etc, making it obvious that the
car wasn't going to make the rest of the trip.
He gets out of the car, as does the driver of the car in front, who
turns out to be a priest, with 3 nuns in the car. Even though it is
entirely this guys fault, the priest starts to apologize for stopping short,
etc, etc, they get to talking, and the priest offers the dentist a ride.
The dentist says he's going to Columbia University and he's already late.
The priest says he's going to Queens and doesn't know how to get to
Columbia, or even if it's on the way (he's not too familiar with New York
geography). The dentist assures the priest that it is indeed on the way (in
reality, it's not at all), so off they go, leaving the bashed up car sitting
there in the left lane of the highway.
They eventually get to Columbia, the dentist runs out of the car, up
the steps, and runs into the lecture hall huffing and puffing right at the
stroke of 8:00 to start his lecture. He notices that only about half the
students are there, but he starts on time. Little by little, more students
drift in and take their seats. This annoys the dentist, and as the lecture
goes on and on, he gets more and more annoyed at people drifting in late.
Finally, he's reached the limit of his patience and blows up and the next
student to walk in late, "You have no idea what I had to go though to get
here, and I managed to be on time! Why couldn't you be on time!?" The
student just looks at him and says, "I would have been here on time, but
there was a massive traffic jam on the Northern State because some idiot
abandoned his car in the left lane!"
--------------------------
From: COFEIGEL@weizmann.weizmann.ac.il (D. Feigelson)
Don't know where I heard this, but it came to memory the other day.
Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years,
unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow
that Stu Schwartz, Sam's best friend since childhood, is to be executor
of the will. The day comes to divide Sam's earthly possessions, over
a million dollars' worth. In front of Sam's family, Stu reads the will:
"Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead. You've were
such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On
the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be
looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care
of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her; and take the rest for
yourself." Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in
accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand
dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.
The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of
marriage and then *this*?! It can't be!" So the family sues. Their
day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge
gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars
of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen,
widow of the deceased." Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu
is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made
Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the
rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?"
The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you
his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He
also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will
accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew
just what kind of a person you are, so with his family's interest in
mind, he didn't say, "give what you want to her and keep the rest for
yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and
keep the rest for yourself."
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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