Date: 17 Aug 93 14:53:33 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life A.8
The batch of jokes is about Lawyers
----------------------------------------------------
From silent-tristero@think:com
From: darrell@cse.ucsc.edu (Darrell Long)
Newsgroups: misc.kids,alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die,rec.humor
[...]
Little Barney Foo Foo
Lumbering though Jurassic Park
Scooping up the lawyers
and biting off their heads...
Down came the genetic Engineer
and he said:
"Little Barney Foo Foo
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the lawyers
and biting off their heads.
I'll give you three more chances
and if you don't behave,
I'll make you EXTINCT." (uncontrollable laughter here, probably due to the
similarlity with "stink")
The next day...
Little Barney Foo Foo
Lumbering though Jurassic Park
Scooping up the lawyers
and biting off their heads...
Down came the genetic Engineer
and he said:
"Little Barney Foo Foo
I don't want to see you
Scooping up the lawyers
and biting off their heads.
I'll give you two more chances
and if you don't behave,
I'll make you EXTINCT."
--------------------------
From: John Robinson [jr@ksr.com]
I gave you three chances
and you didn't behave!
Poof! You're extinct!
and the moral of the story is ...
----------------------------------------------------
From the humor mailing list:
HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu (Or HUMOR@uga.bitnet)
--------------------------
From: Phil Corless [APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET]
"To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules
of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game,
moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem
the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the
top of the box."
- Jerry Seinfeld
----------------------------------------------------
From: Roberto Alazar
Did you see in the paper that the head of the California Bar Association
wants crimes motivated by a hatred of lawyers (as was a recent massacre of
lawyers) to be classed as "hate crimes" and given an extra penalty, like
crimes against (certain) minorities?
Personally (my inactive membership in the California Bar Association
notwithstanding) I think it should be regarded as a mitigating
circumstance, sufficient to lighten the penalty.
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections from a collectionof Lawyer jokes
John Stidd:PARC found on the CompuServe Law SIG.
--------------------------
Item Charge
What it really means)
Lawyer's time (1 hr. Min.)$400
you sucker
Connectivity charge$100
he called janitor
Staff charges$250
secretary prepared bill
Research fees$422
BMW payment due
Consulting fees$431
Sr. Partner's BMW bill
Specialized equipment$122
bought bulb
Delivery expenses$34
had messenger deliver it
Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge$394
2nd partner Volvo bill
--------------------------
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked
"Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied
that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then
said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for
his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood
on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he
remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had
in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and
I thought I'd check out the same way."
--------------------------
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal
gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal
in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a
defense lawyer.
--------------------------
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the
attorney charged her $100.. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing
that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills
stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind:
"Do I tell my partner?"
--------------------------
A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness.
He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be
interested in taking the case.
--------------------------
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his
law school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that
he paid it back right after his first case. When asked how he
managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."
--------------------------
Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching
tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered
the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers
gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business.
Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle. Dow told the men who he
was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a
tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of
the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what
I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
--------------------------
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their
professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
--------------------------
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered
a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his
pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some
time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that
he's had enough. The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's
with the pocket business?" The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture
in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."
--------------------------
There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them
studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.
--------------------------
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one
of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot
to lock the safe!" The other partner replied, "What are you worried
about? We're both here."
--------------------------
Two boys were walking in the woods when one boy spied a nut on the
ground. When the other boy picked it up, they started to argue.
One boy said, "The nut is mine, I saw it first." The other boy said,
"The nut is mine, I have it in my possession." They were just about
to fight when, luckily, along came a lawyer. The boys appealed to the
lawyer to adjudicate their dispute. The lawyer thanked the boys for
the opportunity and said, "I will settle your dispute this way.
Because you saw the nut first, I will give you this half. Because
you had the nut in your possession, I will give you this half. And,
for my fee, I'll keep the meat."
--------------------------
A man went to a lawyer for a defense after he had been caught
embezzling millions from his employer. He was concerned about
going to jail, but was told by the attorney, "Don't worry -
you'll never go to jail with all that money." The lawyer was
right. When the man went to prison, he didn't have a dime.
--------------------------
After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a
luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former
high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.
He crossed the deck, seized his friend's hand, and said,
'Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing
these days?" "I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't
tell my mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."
--------------------------
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.
Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.
"Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to.
"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."
--------------------------
An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in
his attorney's office as he went over his new will. "Your
estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I've made sure
that all of your wishes will be executed. Because of the
complexity of your case, my fee will be $4500." At that point,
the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call.
The client, thinking that the lawyer had said "$500," wrote
out a check for that amount and left. When the lawyer saw the
check, he ran out of the building, only to see the client's
car disappearing in traffic. "Oh, well," thought the lawyer,
"$500 for one hour's work isn't bad."
--------------------------
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to
the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered,
"no." The next question, intended for people who had answered
in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The lawyer
answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
--------------------------
Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were
comparing notes on recent burglaries. "Didja get anything
on that last heist?" Jack asked. "Nuttin' at all," Mugs
admitted. "Toins out that the guy that lives there's a lawyer."
"Jeez, ain't that the breaks," his friend sympathized.
"Didja lose anything?"
--------------------------
Have you seen the current remake of the movie
"Cape Fear?" It's about a deranged psychotic who
is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question
is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?
--------------------------
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?
1. How much money do you have?
2. Where can you get more?
3. Do you have anything you can sell?
--------------------------
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.
--------------------------
An elementary-school teacher heard children wailing and
crying and rushed to the playground to see what was wrong.
There, she found Marc, Chuck, and Laura, the latter crying
furiously. When she asked what had happened, Marc told her,
"Chuck took Laura's orange. Then she hit him on the head and
called him several dirty names, and he kicked her in the
stomach." The teacher replied, "Well, then, we'll all have
to go to the principal's office. Where is the orange now?"
Marc smiled and produced the orange from his pocket.
"I have the orange. I'm Laura's lawyer."
--------------------------
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify
in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete
truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did.
Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you
don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said,
"I imagine that our side will win."
--------------------------
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked
one of his better students, "Now if you were to give
someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give
and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests,
rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said
orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds,
and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut,
freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with
and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein
before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of
whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise
notwithstanding..."
--------------------------
The day after a verdict had been entered against his client,
the attorney rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that
the case be reopened. He said that he had new evidence that
made a huge difference in his defense. "What new evidence
could you have?" said the judge. The attorney replied,
"My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"
--------------------------
Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be
appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.
The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the
defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal
advice you can." After a time, Taylor re-entered the
courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant
had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good
advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I
told him to split."
--------------------------
Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which
had never received a donation from the most successful
lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt
to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you
made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you
have not given a dime to the community charities! What
do you have to say for yourself?" The lawyer replied,
"Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness,
and has medical bills that are several times her annual
income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran,
who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my
sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving
her with three children?" The charity solicitor admitted
that he had no knowledge of any of this.
"Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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