Date: 9 Aug 93 17:52:01 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life A.7
The following is all from rec.humor
----------------------------------------------------
The following is sifted out of rec.humor by:
Brian.Gordon@eng.sun.com (Brian Gordon)
--------------------------
From: jmeyers@mtu.edu (JASON MEYERS)
OK, I just had to post this one about when I used to work in our high
school book store:
The price of pencils had always been 2 for $0.05. However, students
would always ask, how much are the pencils? (as if there was a sign
that said you must ask about the price before buying.) One day I got
sick and tired of this question, so I decided to have some fun with the
students. When they asked how much the pencils cost, I told them
two for a nickel or three for a dime. I was utterly amazed at how many
said, "Oh, I'll take three then." Unfortunately I wasn't allowed to
profit from this, but it was still fun to hear so many people make a
fool of themselves.
----------------------------------------------------
The following is sifted out of rec.humor by:
Keith Hendrickson:omaha
--------------------------
From: sbc3@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (SHAWN BRENDON CREWS)
Did you hear that the U.S. Mint's going to begin minting a dollar
coin. They're going to feature the two faces of Bill Clinton...one on each
side.
--------------------------
From: Mark Kovarski [kovarski@zooid.guild.org]
What do you call a Bill/Hillary supporter in the richest part of LA?
A Beverly HillBilly
--------------------------
From: dabe@cs.umd.edu (Dabe "Dabe" Murphy)
]`n' years ago, a group of researchers who had nothing better to do
]tried an experiment in several grocery stores and supermarkets. They
]priced one group of products (I think it was canned vegetables) at
]33 cents per item and an identical group at 3 for $1. The group at
]three for a dollar sold at more than twice the rate of the cheaper
]group, showing that your average shopper can't even do simple
]division.
True story ["I'm not making this up" - Dave Barry]
I was in a grocery store a few years ago, and Twinkies were:
30 cents each, or 3 for a dollar.
This woman in front of me (No sexist flames! -- She happened to be a
woman, that's why I use 'woman') DEMANDED to buy them at the 3 for a
dollar price. She called over the manager, and he finally told the
cashier "The customer is always right. If she wants to pay more, let
her" and the woman WAS ACTUALLY CONTENT with this.
--------------------------
From: sav@nanette.sto.pdb.sni.de (Dr.Savory)
...when a fly lands on the screen and you try to pick it up with
the mouse and put it in the onscreen trashcan!
----------------------------------------------------
The following is sifted out of rec.humor by:
Steve Dobbs:WGTN:RXNZ
--------------------------
]Q. How do you tell the Austrailians in a shoe store?
]A. They are the ones trying on the boxes.
What ARE you talking about??? They are the ones WITH THE BEER IN THEIR HAND
trying on the boxes.
--------------------------
A large artifical Intelligence system was built in the states for
the military to help in long-range policy planning. It involved people
from MIT, Stanfore, the works.
"The system is now ready to answer questions." said the spokesman for
the project.
A four-star general bit off the end of a cigar, looked whimsically
at his comrades and asked the computer:
"Will there be peace or war?"
The machine replied:
YES
"Yes what?" bellowed the general.
Came the answer:
Yes SIR.
--------------------------
I don't know how this thread wound its way from "manpage" to Texans, but when I
hear a Texan start to brag, I just have to tell this one:
A Texan on vacation in Scotland happened on a farmer digging potatoes. He asked,
"What are you diggin' up?" The Scot replied, "Potatoes." The Texan said,
"Where I come from, that's more the size of a grape. The potatoes we raise are
at least a foot across!" The Scot replied, "Well, here we grow them to fit _OUR_
mouths!"
--------------------------
I'm reminded of the new labelling on the stop lights in Las Vegas...
Stop, Go, and 3-1 you don't make it!
--------------------------
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF....
The primary color of your car is "Bondo".
Directions to your house include: "turn off the paved road".
The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding picture taken.
You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.
You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds.
Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
mutara@flora.ccs.neu.edu (Bill Mackiewicz)
--------------------------
From: alrobins@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson)
Mr. Perkins walks into a bar and sits down on one of the stools. "Can I
get you a drink?" asks the bartender.
"No thanks," says Mr. Perkins. "I tried drinking once and didn't like it."
A few minutes pass and the bartender lights up a cigar. "Care for a
smoke?" he asks Perkins.
"No, thank you," says Perkins. "I tried smoking once and I didn't much
care for it."
The guys want to play a game of poker in the back room and they ask Perkis
if he wants to join them.
"No thanks," says Perkins. "I tried gambling once and it just wasn't for me."
Perkins just sits there at the end of the bar and finally the bartender
says to him, "You don't drink, you don't smoke, and you don't gamble.
What are you doing here?"
"I am here to meet my son."
"He must be," says the bartender, "an only child."
--------------------------
From: castillo@media.mit.edu (Brian Anderson)
It seems that every 100 years or so we Americans go through a cycle of
loving, tolerating, hating and eventually overthrowing a great power:
In the 18 century it was the British Empire.
In the 19th century it was Standard Oil.
In the 20th, it's (going to be) Microsoft.
--------------------------
From castillo@media.mit.edu (Brian Anderson)
"make lots of money", "enjoy the work", "operate within the law": choose 2
----------------------------------------------------
The following have been sifted out of rec.humor by
chibnik@reach.com (Ron Chibnik)
--------------------------
From: jcf@world.std.com (Joseph C Fineman)
Said the Episcopalian pries to the Presbyterian minister:
"After all, we are both doing the Lord's work -- you in your way, and
I in His."
--------------------------
Q: What is the difference between "Jurassic Park" and Microsoft?
A: One is a high-tech theme park dominated by dinosaurs, and the
other is a Steven Spielberg movie.
--------------------------
From: Mehrtens_T@msm.cdx.mot.com
Sure - - - Just like the billboard sign
"Illeterate? Write for free help!"
--------------------------
From: jeff@meridiantc.com (Jeff Timmerberg)
Letterman had something like this to say about the Mets:
Did you hear about the Mets' new season ticket program?
If you buy ONE season ticket, you get an autographed baseball.
If you buy TWO season tickets, they'll let you play 3rd base.
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted from rec.humor by:
krisna@cs.wisc.edu (Krishna Kunchithapadam)
--------------------------
From: cliftonr@netcom.com (Pope Clifton)
X-Attribution: Don Marquis, duh; circa 1925 (?)
there are two kinds of human beings in the world
so my observation has told me namely and to wit
as follows firstly those who even though they
were to reveal the secret of the universe
to you would fail to impress you with any sense of
the importance of the news
and secondly those who could communicate to you
that they had just purchased ten cents worth
of paper napkins and make you thrill and vibrate
with the intelligence
archy
--------------------------
From: alrobins@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson)
A college graduate applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with
several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take
it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and
opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person.
Report to the fifth floor."
--------------------------
From: mxk4576@ritvax.isc.rit.edu
Q: Why does a cop keep his newspaper in the refrigerator?
A: In order to have fresh news every day.
Here's the Polish Radio - Warsaw. It's 8 o'clock. Time for the cops:
Attention! The long hand at the very top and the short one on the snowman.
--------------------------
From: mxk4576@ritvax.isc.rit.edu
Q: What's the difference between democracy and socialist democracy?
A: Same as between a chair and an electric chair.
--------------------------
From: ykk1@Ra.MsState.Edu (Yury K. Kryschenko)
Gorbachev gets up in the morning, looks out of
the window, and sees no people in the street.
He is trying to make several phone calls, but there is
nobody in any plase he calls to.
Suddenly, his own telephone rings
-Hello, who is it?
- It's me, Boris Yeltcyn
- What's the matter, why there are no people in Moscow?
- dont'you remember? Yesterday you opened the borders and allowed
emigration for everyone
- So, you want to say, we are alone in Soviet Union?
- No, you are wrong. I'm speaking from New York.
--------------------------
From: gvg@hplvec.LVLD.HP.COM (Greg Goebel)
How 'bout Trek answering machine routines:
WE ARE BORG.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
But we're not home right now.
So leave a message at the tone
and we'll assimilate you later.
--------------------------
From: prh@PROBLEM_WITH_INEWS_GATEWAY_FILE (Phil Haseltine)
East/West language
EAST COAST WEST COAST
Absolutely not Maybe
Action item by Feb. 12 for Joe Joe's working on the problem
Bozo Subcontractor
Brawl Design review
Dictator Facilitator
Do it and do it now Can you sign up for this program
Do it right or you're fired I'm confident in you
Follow the spec Is there a spec?
Get out of my office Let's get a consensus on this one
He's a jerk He's not signed on to our plan
He's a subordinate He's a team player
Ignore him he's new I'm bringing you up to speed
Local bar Offsite facility
Overdesigned Robust
Punch his lights out Constructive confrontation
Shut up a minute Let me share this with you
That's totally incompetent Let me build on that point
Unemployed Consulting
Overbudget On schedule
Underbudget We haven't started yet
We finished early [No translation]
We're done How do you feel about that
What's wrong with you I certainly understand your feelings
Where is the spec? What is a spec?
Where's the schedule What is the game plan?
Yes Maybe
Your plan sucks Let me share my feelings on this plan
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
Michael Bentley [branwen!michael@nuchat.sccsi.com]
--------------------------
From: joe dupere [DUPERE@MAINE.MAINE.EDU]
Once upon a time, I was watching some talk show or another and the host
was interviewing Kenny Rogers. This was way back when his song "You picked
a fine time to leave me Lucille" was popular on the radio. Rogers was
waxing nostalgic about road shows and shared one time when he was leading
a concert audience in the chorus of "Lucilee" where it goes
"you picked a fine time to leave me Lucille,
four hungry children and a crop in the field,
I've seen some sad times, lived through some bad times,
but this time your hurtin' won't heal.
You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille."
Apparently after many moons of concerts he wanted to spice things up a
bit just for some variety. He was testing a theory of his that audiences
will pretty much sing anything the singer leads them in, even if they're
not sure it's right.
Anyway, he had them show a clip where he was leading one concert audience
in a rousing chorus of....
"you picked a fine time to leave me Lucille,
four hundred children and a crop in the field,
I've seen some sad times, lived through some bad times,
but this time, we're eating oatmeal,
you picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille."
there he was, just bellowing out the wrong words, and there they were
just singing right along .........
----------------------------------------------------
The following is sifted out of rec.humor by:
Robert Cherry:Roch817
--------------------------
From: ananda@cs.utexas.edu (Anandamoy Kar)
CHURCHILL QUOTES:
" I am always ready to learn, although I donot always like
being taught. "
--------------------------
Some pholkes plant trees in the spring; others do it in the fall. Bruce Ploof had never planted trees before, so he took a middle-of-the-road approach.
He planted them in the middle of the road.
Ploof did this to protest the number of potholes in Burlington Vt., after an ambulance hit one and broke and axle. So, one Wednesday night in June, the 28-year-old taxi driver sdrewed up his courage and filled each of three of the city's biggest cavities with a 3-foot spruce.
He waited until the bars closed to plant the trees, and he placed a blinking light barricade in front of each one. Signs warned "Potholes of Burlington, Beware. (Signed) The Pothole Bandit."
The act put Burlington on the map. The New York Times ran the story, so did the Boston Globe, Washington Post, Stars and Stripes and the National Enquirer. Morton Dean mentioned The Great Pothole Caper on the Cable News Network, and a national gardening magazine took pictures.
Two days later, a Burlington disc jockey managed a telephone hookup between the still anaonymous bandit and the local police chief. On the air, they decided to meet at Perkins Pier at High Noon, as the radio station played "The Good, The Bad, and They Ugly".
Bandit: "I'll come in from the East if you'll come in from the west."
Chief (protesting): That's Lake Champlian!"
Bandit: "That's OK, you guys just bought a new police boat."
The cops and cameras were waiting for Ploof, who entered with a John Wayne gait from across the railroad tracks. He wore a cowboy hat and sunglasses. A bandanna covered his face. What looked like a tree branch rose from the holster at his side.
The showdown turned out to be a letdown. Both sides agreed on needed road repair.
A week later, with newspapers in hot pursuit, Ploof acknowledged his identity on the Channel 3 news. He pulled off his mask after planting a tree in another pothole.
In July, the Pothole Bandit was back, this time to face the mayor. They met on the Winooski-Burlington Bridge, where Ploof received a written pardon and a cake to kick off the city's roads program. The cake was shaped like a street and had a center line down the middle sans potholes....
The publicity has been nice. "It taught me that people hate potholes and love trees."
Well, Crankers... this an example of the true American spirit. Stop and think about what you can do. In these days of lemming oriented politics, here is a man who found a way to not only rise local awareness but a way to do it with sttttttyyyyyyle.......
--------------------------
A very proper and habitual English gentlemen has, for the past
many years, gone for his summer vacations to a remote tropical
island. Not being one to carry large amounts of cash or to use
credit cards, he always pays for his vacation purchases with
personal checks drawn on his London bank.
The islanders are all familiar with their annual guest. All the
merchants, including the hotels, grocers, gift shops, and the
island travel agency glady accept his checks, as they've always
been good.
In fact, the gentleman and his checks have been so reliable that,
during the past several years, the islanders have not bothered to
cash the checks. Instead, they just pass them among themselves
as money at face value.
Given that fact, then who has been paying for the Englishman's
vacations?
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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