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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199406071322.GAA21817@netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life A.O
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 14 Sep 93 10:25:03 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life A.O
----------------------------------------------------
The following are from the humor list:
HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu (Or HUMOR@uga.bitnet)
To add yourself send to LISTSERV@UGA.bitnet the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, as the first line in the message
--------------------------
From: Nico Verboven [NVERBOVE@BANRUC60.BITNET]
A child of five would understand this.
Send someone to fetch a child of five.
--------------------------
From: "John R. Stephens, Jr." [JSTEPHEN@UGA.BITNET]
One of my all time favorite "names" was the law firm located in Canton, Ga
for many years. (Don't know if they are still there.....)
Two good old southern families joined in the practice of law...
Ketcham & Cheetham, Attys. at Law
--------------------------
From: "Rich.Carl" [ADP3S@MSU.BITNET]
*** The Grab Bag features humorous trivia from The Santa Cruz Comic News ***
Some Chinese citrus growers infest their orchards with certain ants. So those
ants can kill other insect pests. Wait, there's more: Those growers rig
thousands of little bamboo ladders for those ants.
A camel can't go without water anywhere nearly as long as can an ordinary rat.
St. Louis in the 1940s was labeled by the sloganeers as "First in Shoes, First
in Booze, and Last in the American League."
--------------------------
From: "Douglas J. Sabel" [SABELD@WMAVM7.VNET.IBM.COM]
I had always thought that the most ingenious (and comical) name for a moving
company was one that I saw around the Maryland area.
"Two Men and a Truck"
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
*Up to scratch*
In the 19th century a prize fighter who was knocked down had 8
seconds to get up and walk across the prize ring to toe a line that
had been scratched in the dirt floor. If he could not "toe the
line," he lost the fight, because he couldn't "come up to
scratch."
*Saving face*
This expression was originally used by the English expatriots
in China to describe the many devices the Chinese used to avoid incur-
ring or finlicting disgrace. The exact expression does not appear
in Chinese, but "to lose face" and "for the sake of one's face"
are common.
*Eat humble pie*
After the huntsmen, in English days of ole, brought in fresh-
killed deer, the lords and ladies feasted on roat vension, while
the servants were given the poorest parts of the animal, the
entrails, heart, liver and other innards, baked in a pie. The
innards were known as "umbles," so the people who didn't count
for much ate 'umble pie.
*Zany*
About 500 years old, this Italian word (zanni) was a clown who
played the part of a buffon on the Italian stage. Starting in the
16th century the word was applied to any simpleton or bumbling fool.
More recently it has become a positive attribute for a person who
is openly sociable and humorous.
This finishes the book which I have been using as the source for
most of my *idiom* contributions. The book was called *Slanguage:
America's Second Language* by Gibson Carothers and James Lacey.
Published by Sterling of New York, 1979.
--------------------------
From: Dani Mudge [DANI@USCN.BITNET]
A Hollywood columnist once circulated an erroneous report of
WC Fields' death in her morning column. The comedian called up
the editor of the rag in a rage. "I hope you noticed," he
roared, "that you foul newspaper announced my death this
morning." "That I did," admitted the editor coolly. "May I
ask where you're calling from?"
--------------------------
From: Sara Rummelhart [RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET]
Okay this is a 1950's funny boner about a college student who was
working one summer selling books so he could pay for his college
expenses. He was trying to sell books on scientific agriculture to
farmers in West Texas.
This one old man thumbed through several of them. "No, I don't reckon
I'll buy them."
"You ought to buy them, sir. If you had these books, you could farm
twice as good as you do now."
"Heck, son, I don't farm half as good as I know how now."
--------------------------
From: Arthur Emerson III [ae3@CTS1.MSMC.EDU]
Q: What is IBM's idea of a man-year?
A: 730 programmers rushing to complete the next release of OS/2 before lunch.
Political cartoon in newspaper recently: A drawing of a large, empty
building in the evening with a big "IBM" sign on it. The caption said,
"Will the last person to leave please remember to sign off the computer."
--------------------------
From: Steve Cox [cox@CSSS1.ASRC.ALBANY.EDU]
At U. of Michigan, we used to tell this one about Michigan
State, however, any despised college will do.
Bubba, the most popular football player at Michigan State
had completed his eligibility, and was set to graduate.
The problem was, he had never attended a course, or
learned anything. The Dean and football coach wanted to
graduate him, however, to stave off student revolt.
Still, they had to have him demonstrate some sort of
competence. So, at the graduation ceremony, when
Bubba's name was called, he went up to the front.
"Bubba, if you can pass this test, you graduate,"
said the Dean.
"What is two plus two?"
Bubba, thought for awhile, counted on his fingers,
and with a puzzled, yet hopeful voice, said,
"Duh, four?"
A cry went up in unison from the student body,
seated in their caps and gowns:
"Aw, give him another chance!"
--------------------------
From: "Rich.Carl" [ADP3S@MSU.BITNET]
Steve Cox from SUNY-Albany posted his joke referring to both Michigan and
Michigan State University, to which I am obliged to reply:
"Friends don't let friends go to Michigan!"
--------------------------
From: Raymond Villalobos [F030@MUSIC.FERRIS.EDU]
How do you keep the Michigan State football team out of your
backyard?
Put up a goalpost!
--------------------------
From: THE UNICORN [S_YECK@TWU.BITNET]
Q. How long did it take Lionel Richie to tie his shoe?
A. "All night long"...
I had a friend tell me the following story (kids are sooo cute):
She was at the Gainesville Zoo with her 3 girls. Next to them was a little boy
about 5 years old. They were all looking at the zebras. Well, the little boy
looked wide-eyed in wonderment as he exclaimed,"Daddy, look! That horse still
has his pajamas on!!"
--------------------------
From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State [POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU]
IMMORTAL WORDS
Know Thyself
-Socrates
To Thine Ownself Be True
-Shakespeare
Never Wash Whites With Colors
-Mom
--------------------------
From: "NADAV 666-2973 (415)" [AHARONOV@STU.ADMIN.USFCA.EDU]
Note: Lo Idati in Hebrew means "I don't know"
The King issued a decree that on a certain day the Jews of the city were to
present a champion to dispute with a Christian scholar who was a great
Bible authority and theologian. The loser would forfeit his life. No one
wanted the honor except Yosel the tailor. The day for the disputation
arrived. The Tailor went first: "If your are such an authority on Jewish
lore, then tell me: what is the meaning of Lo Idati?"
"I don't know," answered the scholar, readily.
"Aha!" Cried the tailor exultantly. "Let me ask you again: what is the meaning
of Lo Idati ?
"I don't know," answered the scholar, this time with some exasperation.
The King hearing the scholar's apparent admission of ignorance for the
second time ordered the scholar to be hung and Yosel the winner.
Later the townspeople ask the tailor how he hit upon such a clever plan.
Answered the tailor: I looked it up in the Yiddish dictionary and it said
it didn't know so I thought if the Yiddish dictionary doesn't know
how can this Gentile know and, as you see, I was right.
--------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1993 15:27:00 -0700
Youth is a blunder; manhood is a struggle; old age a regret.
- Benjamin Disraeli
When a man is young he writes songs; grown up he speaks in poverbs; in old
age he preaches pessimism.
- Hebrew proverb
A man is still young as long as women can make him happy or unhappy. He
reaches middle age when they can no longer make him unhappy. He is old
when they cease to make him either happy or unhappy.
- Anon.
--------------------------
From: Jan Kucera [kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ]
I found this quotation in the signature of a member of another list:
"You can not strengthen the
weak by weakening the strong"
A. Lincoln
--------------------------
From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State [POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU]
This flew by me on MEDLIB-L the other day: "Grad School... It's not
just a job, it's an indenture!"
--------------------------
From: Linda White [snowhite@ESKIMO.COM]
Middle Age:
...is a time of life that a man first notices in his wife.
- Richard Armour
...is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will
get you home earlier.
- Daniel Bennett
You know you are there when your gray hair isn't premature.
- Eugene E. Brussell
...is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places.
- Glenn Dorenbush
...is when you are sitting home on Saturday night and the telephone rings
and you hope it isn't for you.
- Ring Lardner
...is when anything new you feel is likely to be a symptom.
- Laurence J. Peter
...is the time when you'll do anything to feel better, except give up
what's hurting you.
- Robert Quillen
--------------------------
From: Ronan M Conroy [RCONROY@irlearn.ucd.ie]
Worse:
An oncologist, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a biostatistician
all go duck hunting. Some birds fly over.
"Look like ducks" thinks the oncologist, "but I'd like to send
a biopsy down to pathology just to be sure." They fly past him.
"I seem to be seeing ducks," thinks the psychiatrist, "now why
would that be...?" They fly over him too.
"The surgeon sees something moving and opens fire - five ducks
hit the earth displaying many of the symptoms of death except
that their kidneys don't seem to be missing.
"OK," he says to the biostatistician, "are there ducks?"
"I really wouldn't like to generalise on the basis of such
a small sample." the latter replies.
And a quickie: Biostatistician and clinician are sitting in the
canteen when a colleague comes in.
"Wow!" says the clinician, "he's got a really short haircut!"
"On this side, at least" agrees the statistician cautiously.
That's all. In my experience, good jokes about statisticians
are greatly outnumbered by interesting recipes for whalemeat.
--------------------------
From: BETH WOODELL [woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU]
Q: Did you hear about the Newfie that went ice fishing?
A: He brought home 50 pounds of ice. (And his wife drowned trying to
cook it.)
--------------------------
From: TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Sister Mary was teaching her Third Grade Religion Class one day and she asked
the children if they could tell her some of the names for God. She got some
of the usual answers:
Heavenly Father
The Holy Spirit
Jesus
The Good Shepherd
Yahweh
Lord
Little Johnny raised his hand and said "HAROLD". Sister Mary was confused, she
had never heard of God referred to as Harold before. Johnny replied: "We say
it every day ... Our Father, Who art in Heaven, HAROLD be thy name ...".
--------------------------
From: THE UNICORN [S_YECK@TWU.BITNET]
Q. What do you call a nun breakdancing?
A. Twisted sister
-----
One day, this man was driving his car around town trying to go somewhere.
Well, he stopped at a traffic light and made an illegal u-turn. An officer
pulled him over and asked him to roll down his window. The officer than asked
him, "Sir, didn't you see the arrows?"
The man replied, "No officer, I didn't even see the Indians!"
(I heard this was based on a true story!)
--------------------------
From: SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET
ROSSVILLE, GA--Two horse riders were charged with driving under the influence
after they collided with a car on a road at night, authorities said.
Under Georgia law, anyone in control of a "moving vehicle" can be charged
with DUI, said Trooper Kerry Dyer of the Georgia State Patrol.
Dyer issued citations to horse riders Jerry Lee Derryberry, 49, and his son,
Bobby Derryberry, 24, for DUI and riding horses in an unlawful manner.
--------------------------
From: Arthur Emerson III [ae3@CTS1.MSMC.EDU]
I recently spotted this tee shirt on a blonde female while I was on
vacation in Lake George, NY:
"Please speak slowly to me. I'm a natural blonde."
--------------------------
From: Phil Corless [APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET]
Heard from Barry Farber, radio talk show host....
Every single day, without fail, this little old man
would have lunch in the little cafe inside the Eiffel
Tower in Paris. The manager of the cafe assumed that
the man ate there every day because he loved the food
or because he loved the Tower. Finally, after a few
years, the manager approached the man and said, "Excuse
me sir, we have appreciated your business these many
years, but I have often wondered... do you eat here
so often because of the food or because of the Tower?"
And the man replied, "I eat here because of the Tower.
This is the only place in town where I don't have to
look at the damn thing!"
--------------------------
From: Phil Corless [APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET]
Al Gore's List of the Top 10 Good Things About Being Vice President:
10. Police escort gets you to the movies faster.
9. You know that game tetherball? I played tetherball with the
inventor of tetherball.
8. After they sign a bill, there's lots of free pens.
7. If you close your left eye, the seal on the podium reads
"President of the United States."
6. I get intellectual property rights to my speeches.
5. Dan Quayle and Gerald Ford are pretty easy to beat during Vice
Presidents Week on Jeopardy.
4. You don't have to be funny to get invited on the Letterman show.
3. You get to eat all the french fries the president can't get to.
2. You don't have to be a good speller to get the job.
--------------------------
From: irma [aleman@TENET.EDU]
And then there was the girl named Helen Hunt who worked at the lost and
found at a movie theatre. When a pair of keys were found the following
page was made, "If anyone has lost a set of keys, please go to Helen
Hunt for them."
--------------------------
From: Bill Rauscher [BRAUSCHE@CBCN.CBCINC.COM]
Bill was walking along the beach when he noticed a bottle sticking up
through the sand. He reached down to pick it up, brushed it off and
stuck it under his arm as there was no trash can close to deposit it.
A few seconds later, smoke started coming out of the bottle.
Startled, he dropped the bottle. Much to his surprise a genie
appeared. The genie said, "I really appreciate you letting me out of
that bottle. I've been in there for years. For doing this, I will
grant you a wish. What do you want more than anything else?" Bill
thought for a while and said, "I want to be known now and until the
end of time as being the person responsible for causing peace to
happen in the Middle East." The genie said, "OH MY!, that's a huge
request. I'm only a junior genie and there is only one genie in the
whole universe who can accomplish that!" "What is your second
wish?"
Bill thought for a moment and said, "I want my wife and daughter to
be known throughout the world as being the most desirable and
beautiful women in the world." The genie smiled and nodded and then
thought a moment. With a puzzled look on his face he said, "What was
your first wish?"
--------------------------
From: "KEN DUNMIRE [DUNMIRE_K@PLU.BITNET]" [DUNMIRE_K@PLU.BITNET]
The greatest fear on the deck of an aircraft carrier with combat or air
manuevers is FIRE. When ther was a fire...the bosn mate would announce
over the ships public address system ...FIRE...location. They found out
once many years ago...the bosn mate could attract much attention by paging
their leader....FRYER...REPORT TO THE BRIDGE. After a couple dozen of these
they "got the word"
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