Date: 28 Jun 93 16:46:46 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.V
The following have been pulled from rec.humor
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From: umpichon@ccu.umanitoba.ca (Stephane Pichon)
posted a large collection of short stuff to rec.humor, here's a few gems:
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Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
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... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
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"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
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If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
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"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
immune to bullets"
-- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
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A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
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What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
entrance?
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Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
automation?
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The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the
crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no
one has ever been.
-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
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While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
correctness never does.
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A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work
by being declared to work.
-- Anatol Holt
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Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It
has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
-- System V.2 administrator's guide
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The following are sigs collectioned by:
From: nudnik@camelot.bradley.edu (Steven Parks)
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"I understand the chairman of the Senate Ethics comittee is going to
examine the check-bouncing scandal with a microscope. ...makes sense...
If you're going to look at ethics in Congress, a microscope is what
you need." -- J. Leno
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"Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read."
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"You can't fight City Hall," is the biggest piece of propaganda
City Hall ever put out.
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The following are sigs collectioned by:
From: ss1@kepler.unh.edu (Samuel Stoddard)
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sometimes I look out upon the night sky and feel a sense of wonder
and amazement, a totally insignificant speck of nothingness under
a rich deep carpet of utter depth, shimmering with points of life
and am filled with a sense that the universe is an infinitely complex
yet subtly simple place...and sometimes I just think it's the
biggest connect-the-dots. Grendel 2/10/92
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I realized my heart had abducted my mind
and they were last seen headed south... Melissa Etheridge
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roger@vaxb.acs.unt.edu OR roger@untvax.BITNET (UGH!) OR NTVAXA::ROGER
The opinions stated herein are my own to my knowledge. If, however, you happen
to agree with me, they can be yours too, after paying the requisite fees to
me. Please contact me at one of the above addresses if you need to.
--------------------------
Kevin J. Podsiadlik | "I've often thought the process of aging could be
Net.Wise-Guy.At-Large | slowed down if it had to go through Congress."
"Reasonable Rates" |
E-mail: hampton@ais.org | -- President Bush, 1/28/92
--------------------------
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The following was sifted out by an anonymous sifter:
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From: rharlan@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (Rick Harlan)
Subject: Re: Punny
While I was in high school, I went on a picnic with the family
of my best friend. His mom is an excelent cook, IMO, and even makes
tofu taste good. Well, based on this experience, I was led to partake
of a peculiar Chinese delicacy, pickled pieces of watermellon shell.
It may be a prejudice of my western pallet, but I have to insist that
a rind is a terible thing to taste.
--------------------------
From: petitc@nuge101.its.rpi.edu (Silent Dreamer)
A poor elf has been mute since birth. So, he communicates with his friends
by moving his hands and so on. Now, one day he finds a potion, which he then
drinks. His hands start moving faster and faster, until he disappears.
The moral of the story?
A mime is a terrible thing to haste.
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From: Andrew Ross, UO Law School [aross@igc.apc.org]
Anyone ever look to see if cleanliness was really next to godliness?
No?
Well, it aint. I looked. "goggles" is next to "godliness".
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From: v140pxgt@ubvmsd.cc.buffalo.edu (Daniel B Case)
Old Soviet joke:
At an international conference, an American, a Brit, and a Russian were
discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.
"I can't stand it some time. We treat people for cancer, and then they die
of AIDS".
"I know what you mean." said the Brit. "We treat them for yellow fever, and it
turns out they had malaria. Then, of course, they die".
"That is not a problem in our country" said the Russian doctor. "When we treat
people for a disease, they die of *that* disease."
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From Lee, Xerox Toast Masters Club, as related by Catherine Magruder
A little while later, the barn burned down, and Hazel, his wife, called the insurance company...
Hazel: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money
Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Hazel; it doesn't work quite like that.
We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with
a new one of comparable worth.
Hazel, after a pause:
I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.
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The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
Philip A. Fleischmann
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From: wapembe@afterlife.ncsc.mil (William Pemberton)
"Life is for entertainment purposes only. All other use voids warranty."
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From: jcf@world.std.com (Joseph C Fineman)
The Soviet government has constructed a monument to Chopin, so of course the Polish ambassador is invited to the dedication. The unveiling reveals a little man with a pointy moustache. The ambassador leans over to the man next to him & says "But this is not Chopin!" "Of course not!" is the answer: "It is Lenin *listening* to Chopin."
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From: judson@watserv.ucr.edu (Mike Judson)
one stewardess said that a blond asked if she could be moved from a window seat because she didn't want her hair to be blown in the wind.
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From: mmeyer@m2.dseg.ti.com (Mark Meyer)
"Who told you I was paranoid?! It was THEM, wasn't it?!"
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The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
Michael Rutkaus:EdServices
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There are these race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to
boast about his track record.
"In the last 15 races Ive won 8."
Another horse breaks in:
"Well in the last 27 races, Ive won 19!!"
" Oh thats good, but in the last 36 races Ive one 28!", says another, flicking
his tail.
At this point they notice that greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.
"I don't mean to boast", says the greyhound "but in MY last 90 races Ive won
88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed.
"Wow", says one, after a hushed silence,"A talking dog."
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A husband and his wife have five children. Their names are
Rudy, Layla, Johnny, Adam, and Ching Hu Wong. They called their fifth
child Ching Hu Wong because the survey said every 5 babies borned to
this world, one of them is Chinese.
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The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
mark t. phillips:henr801c
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]Several years ago, a Czech car, by the name of Skoda, was introduced
]to the UK, much like the Yugo was to the US. It was an equally marginal
]"Hit" with consumers and spawned a whole batch of "Skoda" jokes like:
Q: What to you call a Skoda with brakes?
A: Customized.
Q: What do you have to do if your Skoda gets in the way of a swarm
of killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge into the car.
Q: What is the Skoda owner's most ardent wish?
A: To buy a car.
Q; What do you call a Skoda with a seat belt?
A: A rucksack.
Q: How do you make a Skoda go faster uphill?
A: Throw out the passenger.
Q: How do you make a Skoda go faster downhill?
A: Turn off the engine.
A donkey and a Skoda met on the road. The donkey said: "Hey car!".
"Hey donkey", the Skoda answered. Then the donkey started to cry.
"What's wrong?", the Skoda wanted to know. "When I called you a
car, you could at least call me a horse!", the donkey replied.
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The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
Peter Yee [yee@atlas.arc.nasa.gov]
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From: jkemper@ub.d.umn.edu (WHAT?)
I recently went to McDonald's and ordered food for about 5 people and
then the lady proceeded to ask me if it was "for here or to go" when
she dictinctly saw me walk in alone!!!
I know that the employees are instructed to ask this question, but
considering the amount of food ordered and the fact that I am not
fat, can they not assume that it is to go? Or is common sense not
allowed on the job?
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From: sonix@schunix.uucp (Duane Morin)
Called Dominos once:
Person on the phone: HellothankyouforcallingDominoeshaveyouheardabout
something or other about a special...
Me: Nope. No thanks.
Person: And what can we get you today?
Me: Yeah, I need a large cheese pizza and 4 cokes.
Person: Ok, you want any cokes with that?
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From: bv652@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Ilan Uri Woll)
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation?
A: A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.
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The following were sifted out of rec.humor by:
chester@tartarus.uwa.edu.au (Craig Abbott)
--------------------------
From: terjej@edb.tih.no (Terje Johansen,o90b)
An old grandmother enters a meatshop, barren shelves everywhere.
There are two men behind the desk, an old and a young.
She goes to the young one, and orders a beef.
-Sorry, babuschka, says the young one, we dont have it today.
Then she asks for a t-bone-steak.
-Sorry again, we dont have that either.
She asks for sausages. Meatballs. Kidneys.
The shop has not of that today.
She sighs, and leaves the meatshop.
After she has left, the young one laughs:
-She must be totally senile, to think we have such goods!
The old one nods slowly.
- Yes.....but WHAT a memory!
The old communists, in fact, led Russia to the brink of chaos
with their ways of leading. With Jeltsin, however, Russia has taken
a large step forward...
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From: bstdenis@mailbox.fwrdc.rtsg.mot.com (Brian St. Denis)
I know I'm days behind, but
"If you are a good driver, clap your hands."
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From: BJ020000@NDSUVM1.BITNET (Dave Mueller)
SUMMARY of Math Jokes Received ==] Long [==
Following is a summary of all the Math Jokes I've received. There may be
some duplicates. Sorry, but I didn't save any headers to give credit to
the people who sent them in. Actually, I got received most jokes more then
once, so giving credit to just one person isn't fair.. :)
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When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:
A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land
A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there
An engineer will stand there and try to catch it
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Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do
problems on the blackboard that day.
``Who would like to do the first problem, addition?''
No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he
finally got it right.
``Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?''
Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but
there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.
``Who would like to do the third problem, division?''
Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing
in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right (she has been
known to hold back sometimes in front of her friends).
``Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?''
Tim's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally
gained her composure in the stunned silence. ``Why the enthusiasm, Tim?''
``God said to go fourth and multiply!''
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A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic
knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks
what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says
"Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the
pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English
literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,"
replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new
knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the
storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on
the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little
hard to swallow."
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From: sven@cs.widener.edu (Sven Heinicke)
Q:What did the acorn say when it grew up?
A:Geomtry
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Q: What quantity is represented by this ?
/\ /\ /\
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/______\ /______\ /______\
|| || ||
|| || ||
A: 9, tree + tree + tree
Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ?
A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree
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Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
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Definition:
Jogging girl scout = Brownian motion.
Ilan Vardi, Stanford
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The limit as n goes to infinity of sin(x)/n is 6.
Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator.
Micah Fogel, UC-Berkeley
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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