Date: 18 May 93 14:44:28 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life 9.P
----------------------------------------------------
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--------------------------
From: joel walker [JWALKER@UA1VM.BITNET]
Here are a few lines spoken by people in county court during the
last year:
-"The stolen car fairy?"... Judge to a lawyer who said his client
didn't know how a number of stolen cars had ended up on his
property.
-"Fortunately for you sir, there's not a section for gross
dumbness in the Criminal Code." ... Judge to a man who reluctantly
obeyed police orders to leave an area, yelling "sieg heil" and
goose-stepping away.
-"He is a consumer of judicial services." ... Judge explaining the
politically correct way to refer to a criminal.
-"So how old is your twin brother?" ... Judge to a man who had
stolen a car with his twin brother, and who had just identified
himself as being 18 years old.
-"This isn't Let's Make a Deal. Do you see any doors up here? ...
Judge to a man who, when asked to choose between a large fine and
a short jail term for an impaired driving conviction, wanted to
know the range of each to compare them and then decide...
--------------------------
From: "John R. Garrett" [0004716758@MCIMAIL.COM]
Q: How many technical support people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We have an exact copy of that lightbulb here in the lab, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of a system you have? Okay. Is it
dark? Just exactly how dark is it? Okay. There could be four or five things
wrong, unless it's something else. Have you tried the light switch? Well,
okay, try it now. Okay. Look over by the door. Door? Yeah, the door. Is
there a little rectangular thing on the wall? It might be a beige color, and it
has a little thing sticking out of it. Yeah, a switch. Good. That's called a
light switch.....
--------------------------
From: Mark R Panitz [mpanitz@EIS.CALSTATE.EDU]
First passenger (waiting at a bus stop) ask another
passenger 'how long is the next bus"
reply is : about 40 feet!
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
Christie Davies in the book Ethnic Humor Around the World says that
humor is a barometer of our interests and concerns. Many of the
Bill and Hillary jokes I've been hearing suggest that America is
having some trouble dealing with a powerful and intelligent woman.
Let me illustrate:
I don't like Clinton. I didn't vote for Clinton. And I don't like
her husband either.
Why did the Clintons send Chelsea to a private school?
The secret service would be out-gunned at a public school.
The Clintons are out driving in the Virginia country-side and stopped for
gas. As it turned out the gas station manager is a former boyfriend.
After they drive away, Bill comments to Hillary: "If you had married
that fellow, you would have been the wife a gas station manager."
"Oh, I don't think so, Bill. He would have been President."
--------------------------
From: Roger Drake [FAC_DRAKE@WSC.COLORADO.EDU]
On seeing her friend in a fur coat, she says:
"That's really beautiful, but don't you pity the poor beast who suffered
that you might have it?
"Leave my husband out of this."
--------------------------
From: Barry Johnson 80585 [BJOHNSON@WORLDBANK.ORG]
A popular bumpersticker in Australia a few years ago, in an attempt to cover
all bases, was:
"Land Rights For Gay Whales"
--------------------------
From: Peter Greenberg [AISPG@CUVMC.BITNET]
A man, 92 years old, is told by his doctor that he has tested positive for
HIV. Distraught and befuddled, he retires as usual to spend the afternoon
at the park bench with other senior citizens. He tells his friend:
"Can you believe it? I have HIV...at 92!" His friend replies,
"You think you have troubles? I have IBM at 80!"
--------------------------
From: Bill Martling [ASTBMART@STETSON.BITNET]
--The 2nd greatest experience known to man is flying--
--The 1st is landing!--
--------------------------
From: "Ronald K. Freund" [FREUND_R@UCOLMCC.BITNET]
I thought this was funny, in spite of the fact that I'm a Clinton supporter:
It was so cold in Washington last week that Bill Clinton had to put his hand in
his _own_ pocket!
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
Bumper sticker: Impeach Hillary
---
We elected Clinton for change, and that's about all I have left.
---
I'm unemployed. Afraid to steal and too proud to run for Congress
---
Clinton and Gore: Count Taxula and Al Gore.
---
Q: How many Attorney General candidates does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: None -- they get their illegal workers to do it.
---
You're a Republican, aren't you?
Why yes, madam. How could you tell?
All you do is complain.
--------------------------
From: Erwin Zelhorst [U055034@HNYKUN11.BITNET]
q: Why are Americans so stupid?
a: They have to listen to often to their president!
q: Why are Dutch people so intelligent?
a: They only have to listen to their queen once a year!
--------------------------
From: Maria-Teresa Klonowska [klonowsk@FX2800.DAL.CA]
L.A. 1990s:
Come to L.A. We'll treat you like a King.
xUSSR after 1968:
Visit Soviet Union before Soviet Union visits you!
--------------------------
From: Brad Pardee [bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU]
Do you suppose that when highly aggressive adolescents go on vacation,
they stay at a youth hostile?
--------------------------
From: "Terry D. Mathias" [GE0515@SIUCVMB.SIU.EDU]
A Senate investigative committee convened, and the first witness
was sworn in.
"Have you a lawyer?" the chairman asked.
"No, sir," the witness replied. "I've decided to tell the truth."
==========
A telephone repairman was working late in a big office building and
became lost. After a long search of the rambling first floor to
find an exit, he spotted a woman at the end of a corridor.
"How do I get outside?" he asked.
"Dial 9," she replied.
==========
Hear about the man whose wife ran off with a mustard salesman?
She wrote him a Dijon letter.
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
What is the most common speech impediment?
Chewing gum.
---
Teacher: Who is the greatest inventor the world has ever known?
Sean O'Shea: An Irishman by the name of Pat Pending.
--------------------------
From: Mike Ellwood [MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK]
Classroom in staunchly Catholic rural Ireland:
Teacher: "Now tell me children, who was after being the greatest living
person in history? I'll give a pound to the first roight answer".
Michael: "Er, Christopher Columbus, sor"
Teacher: "no, someone else"
Patrick: "Alexander the Great, sor"
Teacher: "no, someone else"
Abe: "Saint Patrick, sir"
Teacher:" Quite right, Abe, but to tell the truth, I'm surprised you gave
me that answer; I would have thought that someone of your, er, persuasion,
would have said Moses was the greatest living person".
Abe: "And so he was sir, but business is business!"
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
"What did you say after the wreck?"
"Shall I leave out the swear words?"
"Yes."
"Nothing."
---
"You know people make such a big deal about the sun, but I think
the the moon is more important," said the University of Alabama
football player to his girlfriend.
"I nev' thought about that, sugar. Why do you say that?"
"The moon gives us light at night when we need it. The sun gives
light only in the daytime when we don't need it."
"Golly Moses, you sure smart. I can't wait 'til I can take me
some philosophy."
--------------------------
From: Mike Ellwood [MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK]
There were two green-grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street.
Smith had a sign in his window, "Avocados, 20 pence a pound".
A woman goes in and asks for some.
"Sorry love", said Smith, I haven't got any in just now; come back
on Wednesday".
So she goes on up the street to Jones'.
But his avocados are 2 pounds-fifty a pound! - but at least he has
them in stock.
"That's a bit steep isn't it? Smith's are only 20 pence a pound".
"Yeah", says Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock
MINE are only 20 pence a pound!"
--------------------------
From: Lee Bradley [lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
Three people (one is your favorite butt of jokes: lawyers, Baptist, etc)
arrive at heaven, and St. Peter greets them before the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven; we have just one last thing to do before you enter.
Are you ready for your last test?" The first person says, "I've prepared
for this moment for 73 years." "OK," says St. Peter, "spell God."
"G-O-D." "Very good, enter your eternal reward."
The second person says, "Well, that was easier than I thought;
I'll take MY test now." "OK," says St. Peter, "spell love." "L-O-V-E."
"Excellent, enter your eternal reward."
The [ lawyer ] says, "Boy, is THIS gonna be a snap. Give me MY
test." "OK," says St. Peter, spell chrysanthemum."
--------------------------
From: Mike Ellwood [MWE@IBM-B.RUTHERFORD.AC.UK]
Is there anyone who likes Clinton?
Well I suppose Chelsea, Socks, and just conceivably Hilary...
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no
mercy.
---
Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.
---
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for
doing something right.
---
If you are invited to a psychic's party, is it necessary to RSVP?
--------------------------
From: Peter Greenberg [AISPG@CUVMC.BITNET]
Did anyone catch the announcer on CNN this morning (7:05 Eastern) say:
"...Clinton admits that he has spread himself too thin during the first
three months of his pregnancy"
Maybe I hadn't had my coffee yet.
--------------------------
From: Lee Bradley [lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
This guy sitting in the plane is joined by his seatmate, who begins
immediately to heave gigantic, obviously depressed sighs. "What's the
problem, are you ill?" --"No, I'm going to Miami (or L.A.)" --"So, there's
no reason to be sighing like that; we're ALL going to Miami on this plane."
--"No, no, you don't understand. I just hate to go to Miami; there's so
much tension there: rioting, looting, crime in the streets. I just hate
to go to Miami!!" --"I have no idea what you're talking about. I live in
Miami, I work there, I love my work, and I have no problem with crime."
--"Well, what do you do?"
--"I'm a tail gunner on a Merita Bread Truck."
--------------------------
From: BJ Haussler [bjh3@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV]
Going into a church in Havana, a poor woman paused by a cross and kissed the
feet of Jesus.
"Tell me," asked a soldier, "would you kiss the feet of your great leader
Castro as well?"
The woman replied, "Why, yes - as long as he was hung this way."
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
Signature quotes (mildly humorous)
Childish game: one at which your spouse beats you.
Columbus had a fourth ship - it sailed over the edge.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
Paranoid: someone who just figured out what's going on.
Reason is the wise man's guide, example the fools.
Starfleet Academy has a drama department?
--------------------------
From: Rex Hargis [RHARGIS@UKANVM.BITNET]
How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who wants to know?
--------------------------
From: Jae Walker [JAE@DRYCAS.BITNET]
How many Soviet Leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. Light bulbs last longer.
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
Q. How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the range of a tuba?
A. About twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
Q. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.
Q. Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A. So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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