Date: 10 May 93 17:41:32 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.O
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Russel Lear sifted the following out of rec.humor:
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From: tumidity@netlink.cts.com (Joel Garry)
Re: top-10 things wrong with NBC's flaming crash
rog@Ingres.COM (Roger Taranto) writes:
] There was a comedian who claimed that his greatest fear
] was pulling up to a toll booth behind a Pinto and in
] front of an Audi.
With a GM pickup next to him...
--------------------------
From: eiverson@nmsu.edu (Eric Iverson)
'Explosive liquid' not crystal clear to NMSU fraternity brothers
Las Cruces Sun News, Friday, Feb 5, 1993
Some New Mexico State University fraternity brothers attempted
to blow up bottles of a clear liquid by throwing them off the roof of
a two-story building at 1804 Wyoming Wednesday, police said.
When the liquid would not blow up, they tried putting
firecrackers in the bottles to ignite the liquid -- that didn't work
either, said State Police Capt. John McAninch, commander of the Las
Cruces District.
The problem was the clear liquid was Crystal Pepsi, the new
form of Pepsi Cola, he said.
Although the liquid was in clearly marked bottles, McAninch
said the students told him they didn't know what it was.
--------------------------
From: lyndac@education.canberra.edu.au (Lyn Cashmere)
Time for a clean, cute joke, told to me by my 8 yr old.
What do you call twin ghosts who keep ringing doorbells.
Dead ringers.
--------------------------
From: jem@latcs1.lat.oz.au (Joan McGalliard)
"I think the person who said ``Winning isn't everything''
wasn't trying to sell overpriced sports equipment to
yuppies."
--------------------------
From: gilmore@venice.sedd.trw.com (Larry Gilmore)
Was it Seinfeld who reported going into a McD and asking for an order of
fries; the girl asked, "Would you like some fries with that?"
--------------------------
From: aakash@isi.com
Just heard on 106.5 FM -
----------------------
Santa Clara (12:10 PM)- 1st April turned out to be costly for three Santa
Clara residents whose house was gutted by fire.
It all happened because of an overloaded dryer which
the residents had left operating while they went to
work early today morning. The motor of the Kenmore
dryer caught fire because of the overload and it
reached a dirty rug lying next to the dryer. It kept on
kindling slowly bellowing small amount of smoke from
the garage where the dryer was kept. When a suspecting
neighbor noticed the small stream of smoke he first
rang up one of the residents and informed him about it.
The guy took it as the usual 1st April joke and asked
the good neighbor if he had called 911. The
neighbor told him that he had not done that so far as
he was not sure if there was any real fire inside the
house. Our man told him not to bother about it
and assured him that he will take care of informing the
fire department and will rush immediately to see if
everything was alright at his residence.
Both the parties thought it was over - neighbor was
happy that he had done his job and the other guy was
smiling at the naivity of his neighbor and wondering
what prompted the good neighbor to pop up such a
stupid joke as late as 11:00 AM on the Fool's day !
Well, whatever happened next is not so funny because by
the time someone else noticed the fire and informed 911
the fire was blazing inside the living room. It is yet
to be determined how big was the loss because as last
heard by our correspondent, even the fire officials had
tough time explaining this resident that his house was
indeed on fire !
Happy, err.., Sad April Fool for the poor guy !!!
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff sifted out of rec.humor by
Brian.Gordon@eng.sun.com (Brian Gordon)
--------------------------
m: janl@crow.csrv.uidaho.edu (Jan Lambert)
Subject: three blondes
another blonde sent a post card home:
" Having a wonderful time...where am I? "
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff sifted out of rec.humor by James R Davidson
--------------------------
Terje Johansen at Trondheim College of Engineering, Norway.
Man will survive into eternity
he's too stupid to know when he's beaten.
--------------------------
From: prem@prem.lbl.gov (xyz)
A pal of mine in Berkeley has a Volkswagen Beetle and a Volkswagen Rabbit.
The licence plates are: "BUGS" and "BUNNY"
--------------------------
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
--------------------------
From: alrobins@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson)
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island.
Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller
vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the
marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's
compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still
want to be rescued."
----------------------------------------------------
Ed Lopes sifted the following out of rec.humor:
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From: goffinet@rye.ecn.purdue.edu (Darrell R Goffinet)
HORROR MOVIE CHARACTER SURVIVAL TIPS
1. If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.
2. Never take a bath or shower with an MSDC (maniac/spirit/demon/creature)
in the house.
3. When it appears that you have killed the MSDC, DO NOT check to see if
he/she/it's really dead.
5. If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin spewing
body fluids, it's time to move out.
6. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
7. Don't look under the bed.
8. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
9. If tree's, TV's, or other objects try to consume your children, save as
many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.
10. If relatives or pets come back from the dead, stay as far away from them as posible.
11. If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent and leave the area.
12. If you've hidden from the MSDC and you are not found, do not peek from or leave your hiding place, for you are only further endangering yourself.
13. Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."
14. It is VERY, VERY dangerous to back into or through rooms.
15. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their
own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run
NOTE: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate
them, so be prepared.
16. When you have the benefit of numbers, *NEVER* pair off or go it alone!!!
17. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.
18. If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave
the area as soon and as quickly as possible.
19. If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before
someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.
20. If you've just finished running over the MSDC in your car, keep going.
Most certainly DO NOT get out of the car to see if he/she/it's really dead.
21. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
22. Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal
nightmares.
23. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.
24. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially
those that appear that they would break easily.
...
26. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out
that it's just the cat, LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY ELSE YOU WILL QUICKLY DIE.
...
28. If appliances start operating by themselves, leave the area immediately.
29. Do not take anything from the dead.
30. If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.
31. If the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders,
deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurences, leave.
32. If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself
still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.
33. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason.
Take the hint and stay away.
34. If the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.
35. If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area.
36. Never pick up a hitchiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus.
37. Don't food with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know
what you are doing.
38. Make sure that your weapon is loaded before you try to use it.
...
40. Never put your back to or lean on a door.
41. Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.
42. Never speak to clowns in sewers.
43. Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they
are supernatural beings.
44. If you're running from the MSDC, expect to trip and/or fall down at
least twice, more if you are of the female persuaion.
45. If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblence to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.
46. Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
47. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
48. Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.
49. Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock.
50. Finally, beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, soldering irons, stun guns, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, catapults, tactical warheads, high-powered rifles, gophers, food processors, gophers in food processors, lambchops, axes, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, tanks, any weapon resembling Margaret Thatcher, or Alludium q-36 explosive space modulators.
----------------------------------------------------
The following are from the humor list:
HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu (Or HUMOR@uga.bitnet)
--------------------------
From: Robert Werman [RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL]
More proof that dreams aint worth too much derives
from the latest revelations in the newly discovered
Jesse Jame diary, written as a boy.
Although he clearly dreamed that he would grow up to
wear a mask and rob people when he grew up, he never
did become a surgeon.
So much for dreams!
--------------------------
From: Bill Edwards [BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET]
Q. When a person dies, people refer to them as the "late." What
are they late for?
A. Everything.
--------------------------
From: Brad Pardee [bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU]
The following was forwarded to me some time back, and this morning's music
joke reminded me I still had it. Enjoy!
Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
==
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
==
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.
==
Q: How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
A: Shoot 4 of them.
==
Q: How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: How do you make him stop?
A: Put notes on it!
==
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: You can tune a lawnmower
==
Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
==
Q: What is the difference between An accordion and a trampoline?
A: You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the
trampoline.
==
Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.
==
Q: You're walking down a road, all of a sudden it split into three
branches. in the left one, theres a good conductor, in the
middle one theres a bad conductor, and in the right one there
is the tooth fairy. Each one beckons you to follow him/her.
Which one should you follow?
A: The bad conductor because the other two don't exist.
Q: There's a five pound note on the floor.
Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time and a
drummer who keeps bad time picks it up?
A: The drummer who keeps bad time: the other drummer doesn't exist and the
thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.
==
Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.
==
"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding,
he sings."
==
"If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum."
==
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, a
a smoking crater where his house used to be. The cheif of poice comes ove
to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your hous
killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're
kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
==
A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a
Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."
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