Date: 3 May 93 17:27:57 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.N
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections from a Clinton Joke collection by:
From: nathan@cco.caltech.edu (Nathan Mates)
--------------------------
Clinton Bashing
The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption
are Las Vegas and Washington, DC.
The difference between the two is that in Washington the
drunks are gambling with *our* money!
--------------------------
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
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Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
--------------------------
George Bush:
"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if Bill
Clinton is elected president."
--------------------------
Heard on MTV News:
"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the
inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring down the
house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country."
--------------------------
I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race during the Labor
Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an excellent choice to preside over
an event where people drive in circles at high speed.
--------------------------
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving
this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
A2: Because they can't afford any more pork
A3: Reagan ate all the jellybeans
A4: They've been having turkey FOR YEARS
--------------------------
What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Bill Clinton?
Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
--------------------------
]From The Wall Street Journal, 11/19, page one (reprinted w/out permission)
"Reality Sets In: Clinton Advisors Find
Promises are Easier to Make Than Keep"
----
"They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in
Entitlement Programs / One Target: Big Corporations"
----------
--------------------------
Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who can't add?
--------------------------
The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of
the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to
come watch it with them.
The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of
infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They
had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and
throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the
most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic
bombers. Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was
suitably impressed.
Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a
disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the
last artillery pieces.
"Who are they?" he asked.
"Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!"
"But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused.
"Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men can do?"
--------------------------
There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in washington.
Bill Clinton's Top Ten List of Pet Peeves
10. Those selfish, unpatriotic investors who keep betting against his
economic recovery plan.
9. The way the Democratic Congressmen grin and wink at him whenever
he proposes new spending cuts.
8. Reporters who go way overboard trying to prove they're not biased
by reminding him of his campaign promises.
7. A Cabinet full of lawyers.
6. All the old issues of National Review on Air Force One have the
anti-Bush stories cut out.
5. Having to sort his garbage whenever Al Gore is around.
4. That sinking feeling of de ja vou he gets whenever he passes
the bust of Jimmy Carter in the White House.
3. Autographing photos for the "damn cat."
2. Hillary Rodahm Clinton.
1. Unpatriotic taxpayers who don't appreciate how fun it is to raise
taxes again and again and again.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
--------------------------
Top Ten Slick Willie Nicknames that DIDN'T Stick
10. Honest Bill.
9. Mr. Fidelity.
8. Private Clinton.
7. Bill, the One-Faced Politician.
6. Mr. Dependable. (Unfair! You can depend on him to raise taxes.)
5. William, the Budget Slayer.
4. Two-Term Bill.
3. John F. Klinton. (JFK CUT taxes.)
2. The Economy President.
1. The Truth-Meister.
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
--------------------------
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Slick Willie's New Taxes
10. We know how to spend your money: We're the government.
9. Hi, I'm Bill Clinton. And I'm going to make you an offer you can't
refuse.
8. Don't think of it as higher taxes, think of it as an investment in a
money-losing enterprise.
7. The Federal Government, where extortion is Job One.
6. Nothing says "I love my country" like higher taxes.
5. You were probably just going to stick it in a savings account, anyway.
4. By Arkansas standards, you ARE the rich!
3. Don't think of it as higher taxes, think of it as a lower standard of
living.
2. Higher taxes, because serious spending cuts are Icky, Yucky!
1. Hi, I'm Crrrrraaaaaazzzzzyyyyy Bill. And I want your Money!
Copyright (c) Edward A. Ipser, Jr., 1993
--------------------------
Bill Clinton will launch health consciousness campaign and promote
jogging and reportedly he asked Hillary would she run.
"No", she said,"not now, not until '96."
----------------------------------------------------
From the eniac mailing list:
eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca
--------------------------
From: robin@severian.chi.il.us (Robin Carkhuff)
I teach geography. For one of my assignments, the student must learn
to identify all fifty United States. Not hard, when given a blank
map to fill in, but that's not the real test. My students must
draw and label the map from memory, FREEHAND.
I recently had a student working on this assignment. He practiced
and practiced with great effort. The result? Everything west of the
Mississippi was just right. New England fit together perfectly, as
did the Tidewater states. The Northern Midwest lined up fine, and so
did the Southern Coastal states. He even spelled all fifty
correctly. Obviously, Dave had drawn each region in turn rather than
first outlining the country and then trying to subdivide it. It was
a good technique, but unfortunately the belly of the US was drooping
a bit lower on his paper than in reality, leaving a gap between
Tennessee and the Deep South.
It was labeled "Unclaimed Territory."
I gave him an A.
--------------------------
From: Patrick Tufts [zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu]
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
MANHATTAN (UPI) - FBI agents report the arrest of Salaama "Duh, can I have
my deposit back" Mohammed early Thursday. Three part miniseries airs
starting monday on ABC, with NBC and CBS following up later in the week.
--------------------------
From: jfw@ksr.com (John F. Woods)
Some time back, we were discussing the Sylvia strip, and I thought I'd
forward today's as I particularly liked it.
It uses a standard Sylvia format, wherein Sylvia (off panel) is talking to
her cats, who are holding up signs (one for each of two cats) to hold up
their end of the conversation.
Sylvia: Hi, guys. What's shaking?
Cat 1: We couldn't have done it.
Cat 2: Don't blame us.
S: What have you done?
1: Our brains are too small.
2: Scientific fact.
S: Just tell me.
1: The dog is on a plane.
2: To Bogota.
And this month's favorite bit from Zippy:
"Sanitized, anger-free beatniks, recycled for domestic use."
--------------------------
From: Joel B Levin [levin@bbn.com]
I am not fond of those heart shaped symbols they're found elsewhere
than on playing cards, and I especially deplore their use as verbs,
as is often seen in slogans such as "I [heart] comfy chairs".
So I was only moderately charmed to see a bumper sticker this morning
that said "I [heart] SCIENCE" which instead of the normal heart
icon used a red drawing shaped like a human heart, including the
starts of the four major blood vessels. If one must wear a slogan of
that type, that seems an appropriate sentiment and execution.
--------------------------
From: welty@balltown.cma.com (richard welty)
while i was driving through this past weekend, i saw all these
signs that said
New Jersey Works!
i could have sworn that it was broken; when did they fix it?
--------------------------
From: jfw@ksr.com (John F. Woods)
Newsgroups: comp.risks
In comp.risks Pat Place [prp@sei.cmu.edu] writes:
][XLACHA1@WEIZMANN.weizmann.ac.il] states that companies have the right to
]control the use of their computers and can therefore limit private use for,
]say, E-mail. The solution is to consider E-mail access as a fringe benefit.
]But aren't benefits taxable, so how much should I declare to the IRS for the
]437 bytes of this message? I have only counted the text and none of the header
]information. Pat Place prp@sei.cmu.edu
The answer, of course, is simple. You send 28% of all the email you receive
(31% if you receive a lot of it) on a magtape to
Internal Revenue Service
Email Tax Collection
Frostbite Falls MN 99999-0000
--------------------------
From: muchow@anubis.network.com (Jim Muchow)
As proof of what Minnesotans will do to avoid a Minnesota Winter: the
team of women led by St.Paulite, Ann Bancroft, has reached the South
Pole on skis.
JM - who is now putting together a team to be the first to cross the
Fiji Islands on skis next winter - donations?
--------------------------
From: terry@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Terry Labach)
The following are some of the definitions offered by students on an
examination of cultural literacy, from the article "The Cultural
Literacy of Graduate Management Students" in Business Horizons.
Students were asked to provide definitions for 250 terms taken from E.
D. Hirsch's Dictionary of Cultural Literacy.
Term Definition
1066: an IRS form
Aaron Burr: Perry Mason
Acrophobia: fear of acronyms
Actuary: a home for birds
Annunciation: to speak clearly
Cellulose: fat deposits
Gerrymander: to speak at length in Congress to keep a bill from passing
Jehovah: Jesus
Stradivarius: as in "Rex"
----------------------------------------------------
The following list was collected by:
From: koos@kzdoos.hacktic.nl (Koos van den Hout)
* This is it : The canonical list of 'You Know When You've Been Hacking Too
Long When'
--------------------------
From: ftit@sussex.engin.umich.edu (Sergej Roytman)
This just happened to me: I wanted to take an elevator down to the
second floor and I hit the '1' key. Ground floor is 0 so the floor
above it is 1, right? I need a vacation. Now. When does spring
break start?
--------------------------
From: pereckas@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Michael Pereckas)
I once wanted to go to the basement and spent some time looking for
the 0 button before I realized that the floor below 1 is not 0 but B.
--------------------------
From: APPMS@CUNYVM.BITNET (Alexandre Pechtchanski)
You know.... when you are trying to recall something and hear in your
head: "parity error at address..."
--------------------------
From: stirling@ozrout.uucp (Stirling Westrup)
You know, I always wondered if I wasn't a real hacker, since none of the
hacking-too-long incidences had ever happened to me. Well, now one has.
Last evening, while cleaning up my desk, waiting for one stage of a large
make to finish, I managed to stab myself under my thumbnail on a sharp
piece of sheet metal. The sheet metal is an integral part of my desk, and
was most likely put there to serve exactly the purpose it was serviing, ie.
maiming me. Anyway, in intense pain, and with blood spurting out of my
thumb, I started to make a dash for the bathroom, to find something to bind
my wounds with. After a few steps I stopped, went back and hit RETURN on
my terminal, so that the next stage of the make could progress while I was
bleeding to death in the bathroom. Its a bad sign folks, even when in
pain, I do my best to multitask...
--------------------------
From: mcastro@iris-dcp.es
After been working with an hypertext system we are developing,
I sat down at home -at last!- to watch tv. After 2 min. or so
I began to wonder what I was seeing, inmediatly looking for
the INFO key in the remote control!. ( No teletext in my tv ).
BTW: I sometimes wanted grep to work with videotapes, and of
course, books; is a pity you can't grep dead trees.
--------------------------
From: Josef Moellers [mollers.pad@sni.de]
More than once during the last couple of weeks, the following happened
to me:
I have three children. All three show the same behaviour:
They do something they shouldn't do, we tell them to stop, the do it
just once more.
My reaction: "Well, they prefetched the instruction and are executing it
in the delay slot..."
--------------------------
From: peter@NeoSoft.com (Peter da Silva)
When I see a flock of birds, these days, I sit there and try to figure out the
algorithms that determine their movement.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page