Date: 26 Apr 93 17:54:32 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.M
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections from Keith Bostic's mailing list
bostic@vangogh.cs.berkeley.edu
--------------------------
IN DELAWARE, PUMPKINS FLY (AP)
Milton, Del. - The skies over a Delaware cornfield were full of flying
squash as 10 teams competed in the seventh annual World Championship
Punkin' Chunckin' competition.
The De-Terminator team set a new record Saturday by hurling a pumpkin
852 feet. Never mind that it veered off course and splattered into the
crowd. It broke the record of 776 feet set in 1990.
The team used centrifugal force provided by a 1970 Chevrolet engine to
win.
The event, which began as a way to get rid of leftover Halloween
pumpkins, drew a crowd of several thousand spectators.
--------------------------
From: wb8foz@skybridge.scl.cwru.edu (David Lesher)
ClariNet/UPI reports that AT&T's cable from Japan to Point Arena,
California came up six miles short.
Oops ...
Hey boss...
Suppose we yank hard and pull up the slack?
--------------------------
Transcribed from the November-December 1992 issue of the Lawrence
Livermore National Laboratory Software Engineering Newsletter.
The mention of ``a feast of speghetti code'' [``Computer Collectives,''
CrossTalk, April/May 1992] prompted this response by Raymond J. Rubey
SofTech, Inc., Fairborn, OH.
``Nearly every software professional has heard of the term spaghetti code
as a pejorative description for complicated, difficult-to-understand, and
impossible-to-maintain, software. However, many people may not know the
other two elements of the complete Pasta Theory of Software.
Lasagna code is used to describe software that has a simple,
understandable, and layered structure. Lasagna code, although
structured, is unfortunately monolithic and not easy to modify. An
attempt to change one layer, while conceptually simple, is often
difficult in actual practice.
The ideal software structure is one having components that are small
and loosely coupled; this ideal structure is called ravioli code. In
ravioli code, each of the components, or objects, is a package containing
some meat or other nourishment for the system; any component can be
modified or replaced without significantly affecting other components.
We need to go beyond the condemnation of spaghetti code and to the
active encouragement of ravioli code.''
--------------------------
Associated Press
PHILADELPHIA - A convicted killer who decided to surrender after more than
two years on the run at first could not persuade police to take him in.
The problem? His name -- Geraldo Rivera.
Rivera walked into police headquarters Tuesday, demanding that he be
returned to his old prison cell.
"He was looking for three square meals a day", said Kelly Cruz, a state
trooper who served as a Spanish interpreter. "He told me that he was out of
work and that he was looking for a place to stay, with heat."
But it was not simple for Rivera to surrender because of his celebrity
sound-alike name.
"When I first talked to [Rivera], I thought the guy was maybe a 302", Cruz
said, using police jargon for mentally unstable.
But a crime computer check confirmed his identity. State police said he
would be charged for having failed to return from a weekend furlough in
1990.
--------------------------
Nat'l Lampoon True Facts 12 Jan 1993
According to the {Houston Chronicle}, Suzanne Handerson offhandedly
answered a ringing pay phone at a Waco, Texas shopping mall.
A voice asked, "Hello. Mrs. Henderson?"
Henderson looked around to see if she was on Candid Camera, or a
program of that sort. On the phone was the man who tends her yard,
calling with a question about the garden. It turned out that the mall
pay phone had almost the same number as her home phone.
Said Henderson, "It was a question of dialing the wrong number and
getting the right person. I was speechless."
--------------------------
]From The Jauaury 30, 1993 Economist
During the campaign, Clinton made an issue of Republican cronysim
with the rich. However a review of the financial disclosure
reports of his top advisors shows that he has more millionaires
(nine) than either Reagan (seven) or Bush (six).
--------------------------
From: greg@gallifrey.ucs.uoknor.edu (Greg Trotter)
Sick Chelsea
A relative heard this on C-Span the night of President Clinton's economic
address...
Chelsea wasn't feeling well at her private school. She went to the infirmary
to get some aspirin. The nurse discovered that nobody had ever signed
a parental consent form to authorize the school to dispense medicine to
the First Kid.
The nurse told Chelsea that they needed to contact one of her parents for
permission to give her aspirin. Chelsea told her, "Oh, please call Daddy.
Mom's far too busy."
--------------------------
]From: Brian Reid [reid]
Yesterday's Palo Alto Weekly carried a full-page ad for the Alain Pinel
Realty Company of Saratoga California. Like most such advertisements,
it has a photograph of each of the 35 realtors who work for the agency.
Under each photograph is an Internet address. Well, under all but two
of them. If you want to sell your house and you live somewhere near
Saratoga, just send to (he picks one at random) Ken Morgan, who is
KMorgan@apr.com
Anybody want to place bets on how soon I'll be able to buy car over the
Internet?
(For those of you who are locals and want to see this, the ad is page 2.)
--------------------------
]From the 1992 Combined Federal Campaign Brochure:
Percentage of funds spent on administration and fund raising (i.e overhead):
6.3% Conservation Fund
14.9% Friends of the Earth
15.1% The Nature Conservancy
17.1% Zero Population Growth
17.9% Wilderness Society
19.4% Scenic America
20.3% Sierra Club
21.0% Land Trust Alliance
31.4% Planned Parenthood - World Population
--------------------------
From: johnl@yang.earlham.edu (John Fiskio-Lasseter)
When Spell-Checkers Go Bad...
The spelling checker in version 4 of Microsoft Word for Mac has
trouble with this word:
CHILDCARE
But all is not lost. Relying on its search algorithms, Word suggested for
me the following word instead:
KIDNAPER
I did not make that up.
--------------------------
Write in C.
From: jay (Jay Jayakumar)
Sung to Beatles "Let it Be":
When I find my code in tons of touble,
Friends and colleages come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
... Guitar Solo
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.
And when the screen is fuzzy,
And the editor is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeros,
Write in C.
A thousand people swear that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE,
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80s,
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.
----------------------------------------------------
The following is stuff Leif Bennett collected in the late 80s
--------------------------
From: Alazar.ESM8
By popular demand, some quotations that are somewhat more accessible to the
general public.
-----------
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and
fall from the trees.
-- David Letterman
Some of us are becomming the men we wanted to marry.
-- Gloria Steinem
--------------------------
From: Harry [Habramowski.ES]
Prime Minister Shamir invited His excellency to a game of golf, to which the
Pope graciously accepted. But the cardinals at the Vatican were concerned
that the Pope's lack of skill at the game could prove to be an intential
embarrassment planned by the Prime Minister. One of the cardinals suggested
that the Pope extend a invitation to Arnold Palmer to be an honorary Cardinal
and then they could tell the Prime Minister that since the Pope was ill, a
cardinal from the Vatican would play instead.
When Arnold heard of this plan, he was flattered that the Pope would invite
him as his replacement and naturally he would accept. The day after the game,
the Pope asked Palmer how the game went.
"I'm sorry, your Excellentcy, but we lost", admitted Palmer.
"How could Shamir beat you?!", the Pope asked.
"He didn't, sir. Rabbi Nickalaus did"
--------------------------
From: RISKS FORUM (Peter G. Neumann -- Coordinator) [RISKS@KL.SRI.COM]
Date: 23 Feb 88 11:22:11 EST
From: John Pershing [PERSHNG@ibm.com]
The letters that I find most amusing are the ones that I get every couple
of months that start out long the lines of:
A personal message for JOHN A PERSHING JR:
Dear Mr. Jr:
...
Also, back when I was in college, our fraternity was listed in the phone
book as "Kappa Sigma Frat". One day, we got a bulk mailing declaring
"Good News for the Frat Family" addressed to Mr. K.S. Frat, claiming that
an arduous genealogical search had turned up the Frat Family coat of
arms, which they wanted to send to us (for a price, of course).
John A. Pershing Jr., IBM, Yorktown Heights
[Live off the Frat of the Land and operate under a strict Coat of Alms. PGN]
--------------------------
From: "Regner:SCB5 Versatec:Xerox".ns
CREATIVITY PERMIT 001
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth, in that order; He lit up the
sky with stars, separated the water from the land, and made life. Quickly, He
was faced with a class-one action suit for failing to file an environmental
impact statement.
He was granted an immediate permit for the heavenly portion of the project; but
was only issued a temporary permit for the hell portion because of the lack of a
suitable location. God stated to the review board that all He was trying to do
was to be creative - that's how He acquired the nickname "Creator."
Then God said, "Let there be light." The government inspectors were immediately
on His doorstep, banging on the heavenly gates, demanding to know how the light
would be generated and where would He get the energy. Not from Arab oil. Not
from Colorado oil shale. Solar energy was out of the question. Was He aware
of the Environmental Protection Plan, the Conservation Plan or the Anti-Pollution
Plan? God tried to explain that the light would come from a huge ball of fire
and far enough away so it would not damage or pollute Earth. He was then
granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke, fire, or
ashes would result from this ball of fire. First He would have to file a patent,
obtain a building permit, and to conserve energy, the light must be out half the
time, and temperature controlled in accordance with government standards for
summer and winter.
God agreed and said He would call the light "day," and the darkness "night."
Officials replid they were not interested in the technicalities but would
appreciate just a few basic operating and emergency procedures in case the
light should go out. Service and reliability was important.
"Let the earth bring forth green herbs, trees and fruit and such others as may
be needed to feed upon," said God. The EPA agreed as long as native seeds were
used. God said, "Let the waters bring forth the creeping creatures having life,
and the fowl that may fly over the earth."
Officials pointed out that this would require approval of the Fish and Game
Commission, coordinated with the Wildlife Federation, and, if flight through
the heavenly bodies of space was anticipated, would also require approval from
NASA and the FAA, depending upon altitude of travel and purpose.
Everything was OK until God said He wanted to complete the project in six days
and rest on the seventh. Officials said that it would require paying everybody
time-and-a-half for the sixth day, but He would be pretty hard- pressed in
finding anyone to work.
Officials said that now that He had his plans worked out, the building review
board needed ninety days to consider the application and evironmental impact
statements. After that, there would be public hearings. Then there would be
an R&D prototype model exhibited first before going into production, and within
the next twelve months he should have all the necessary approvals.
And God said, "Earth is where I'll place hell and they can figure out where to
relocate it!"
--------------------------
From: Michael J. O'Connell:ES XCS
The disclosure that a Texan coral snake on
display for the past two years at the Houston zoo
is in fact a rubber model has caused consternation
in the zoo world. A local newspaper was tipped off
by an observant zoo visitor who noticed that the
snake had not moved in 9 months.
John McLain, assistant curator of reptiles
at the zoo, explains that coral snakes are difficult
to keep in captivity and tend in any case to hide in
litter. As they are venomous, the zoo wanted to
educate the public in their appearance, so after
several red coral snakes died, the model was
substituted. Says McClain: "Many zoos make do
with photographs, and we thought we were going
one better. We didn't think we were fooling anyone."
A zoo official denied that any of the zoo's other
animals were models.
Dr. Dale Marcellini, a herpetologist at
Washington DC's National Zoo, says he has never
before heard of a zoo passing off a rubber model
snake as the real thing before. But he is sympathetic
to Houstons problems and thinks it is "not such a
bad idea". However, Mr. Bob Wagner, executive
director of the American Association could not approve
of the practice. He intends to take up the matter with
the director of the Houston Zoo.
from: The Journal Of Irreproducible Results
--------------------------
From: coggins@coggins.cs.unc.edu (Dr. James Coggins)
Found in the trash at the USENIX C++ Conference
(to be inflicted, uh, sung to an incredibly obvious folk song tune)
(aren't you glad we don't have hypermedia News now?)
Our bosses come a-marching in Hurrah! Hurrah!
They're counting lines of code again Hurrah! Hurrah!
So you wrote a hundred, reused ten thou -
Who cares? does the system work right now?
And we'll all go crazy
With object design to do.
The architects come marching in Hurrah! Hurrah!
Designing new machines again Hurrah! Hurrah!
We'll have interrupts, traps and exceptions, too
In our six multiprocessor CPU
And we'll all go crazy
With object design to do.
The developers come a-marching in Hurrah! Hurrah!
They want some crazy new feature again Hurrah! Hurrah!
We really need this feature right now
Can I kludge it in? Will you show me how?
And we'll drive Bjarne crazy
With language design to do.
The users come a-marching in Hurrah! Hurrah!
Can't find it in the Book again Hurrah! Hurrah!
We want standard libraries, debuggers, syntax-directed editors,
parameterized types, incremental compilation, dynamic linking,
pointers to members, educational material, and Version 2 -
Multiply inherit exceptions, too!
And we'll drive Bjarne crazy
With more design to do!
(Not only will I disavow any opinion contained herein, but I'll
deny under oath that I have ever seen this posting before.)
--------------------------
From: Roy C. Ogus:OSBU North
From the product specification of the Valid CAD software used laying out
printed circuit boards:
"Max board size: Boards as large as 6.8 miles on each size at 1 mil
resolution can be supported in a single database."
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
Back to my Life Humor Page
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