Article 175245 of rec.humor:
Newsgroups: rec.humor
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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 9.K
Message-ID: [cate3D69L2p.16w@netcom.com]
Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 261-4700 guest)
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 1995 17:40:00 GMT
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Sender: cate3@netcom13.netcom.com
Date: 12 Apr 93 18:13:35 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.K
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From rec.humor:
From: pwwisnes@csugrad.cs.vt.edu (*** Censored ***)
Q: What's the state flower of West Virginia?
A: The satellite dish
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From: bs@wucs1.wustl.edu (Bala SWAMINATHAN)
Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and
his second wife to his success.
-- Jim Backus
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of
many men for the inattention of one.
-- Helen Rowland
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair
that some men should be happier than others.
-- Oscar Wilde
In a great romance, each person plays a part the other
really likes.
-- Elizabeth Ashley
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From rec.humor, sifted by an annynomous sifter
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From: dmd39855@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Daniel DuBois)
How many Bills players does it take to receive a kickoff?
Two. One to catch the ball, one to tell him to go down.
How many Bills does it take to fumble the ball?
Any of 'em.
--------------------------
From: [NIEDFELD@MIAMIU.BITNET]
You know you're from Hamilton!, Ohio when:
1. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
3. When someone asks to see your I.D. you show them your belt buckle.
4. Your junior and senior prom had a day care center.
8. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
9. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
11. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
12. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
13. Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
17. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
21. Redman chewing tobacco sends you christmas cards.
22. You bought a VCR so you could tape Big Time Wrestling while you
were at work.
23. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
26. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
27. You call the boss "Dude."
30. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
34. You believe that an adult is thirteen years old.
--------------------------
From: johnson@spectra.com (boyd johnson)
"On the twelfth day of Clinton, he promised we will see
twelve jobs for Hillary,
eleven billion for Boris,
attention to the deficit,
`nein' to German competitors,
aid to Somalia,
seven days a week of health care,
six billion in aid to students,
five folding wings (of the Air Force).
Four balanced budgets,
three liberal judges,
two more million jobs,
and a tax cut for you and for me."
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The following was sifted out of rec.humor by
LBennett:El Segundo
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"Are you born again?"
"No. My mother got it right the first time."
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Q. Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
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The following problem can be solved either the easy
way or the hard way.
Two trains 200 miles apart are moving toward each other;
each one is going at a speed of 50 miles per hour. A fly
starting on the front of one of them flies back and forth
between them at a rate of 75 miles per hour. It does this
until the trains collide and crush the fly to death. What
is the total distance the fly has flown?
The fly actually hits each train an infinite number of
times before it gets crushed, and one could solve the prolem
the hard way with pencil and paper by summing an infinite
series of distances. The easy way is as follows: Since the
trains are 200 miles apart and each train is going 50 miles
an hour, it takes 2 hours for the trains to collide.
Therefore the fly was flying for two hours. Since the fly
was flying at a rate of 75 miles per hour, the fly must
have flown 150 miles. That's all there is to it.
When this problem was posed to John von Neumann, he
immediately replied, "150 miles."
"It is very strange," said the poser, "but nearly everyone
tries to sum the infinite series."
"What do you mean, strange?" asked Von Neumann. "That's
how I did it!"
--------------------------
Q. What is a net ?
A. Holes tied together with string.
--------------------------
Q. What is hail ?
A. Hard-boiled rain.
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From: jennyg@titan.ucs.umass.edu (Jenny)
The fine folks at Cliff Notes have put out a notes on _No_Exit_, a play which is maybe ten pages long, and therefore capable of being read (if not understood) by most H.S. sophomores on a half hour bus ride. One of the insightful comments in the Notes is that "Sartre emphasizes the dark, dreary, depressing side of Hell."
As opposed to what?!? The great nightlife? Eternal Damnation: A Light-Hearted Look?
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The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Peter Yee [yee@atlas.arc.nasa.gov]
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From: cb599@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Michael Robbins)
Misc. Traffic Rules:
During simultanious arrivals at 4way stops, pickup trucks with
rifle racks have first right of way......
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From: mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu (John Mechalas)
A boring night at work:
There's nothing worse than working at the drive-up window in a fast-
food place. Needless to say, I was not amused.
"Yes, sir...I'd like...uh...uh......."
This was going to be a long evening. I could see it already.
"...uh... I think I'll have a hamburger, medium fries...and...uh..."
And it was getting longer.
"....and a chocolate milkshake. And I'd like that to go."
To go, huh? Hmm...not many people use the drive-up for an order in.
An idea began to form...maybe this wouldn't be such a dull eveing after
all.
Working quickly, since all drive-up orders are supposed to be completed
within a certain amount of time (yes, we do have clocks in Indiana), I
assemebled the drink, french fries, and hamburger in front of me and
waited for the car to pull around.
"That will be $2.94, sir."
He handed me the money and I gave him his change.
"There you are, sir." I said.
After placing his order on one of our "dining-in" trays, I opened
the window and began to hand it to him.
"Oh! I'm sorry, sir!" I said with a look of realization forming
on my face. "You wanted this TO GO...."
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From Bob Cherry's sifting of rec.humor:
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From: reid@ucs.indiana.edu (Frank Reid)
Politically-correct money: $3 bills
Noting Jimmy Carter's precedent of politically-correct money
(Elizabeth Borden^H^H^H^H^H Susan B. Anthony dollars), President
Clinton could probably score pc points by directing the treasury
dept. to print Three-Dollar Bills. They could be pink, and bear
the likeness of an appropriate personage to be selected by
popular vote (in the tradition of the Elvis postage-stamp).
Nominees might include Alger Hiss, Anita Hill, John Hinckley, and
Walter Jenkins (of Johnson-administration scandal fame). $3
bills could initially be issued as military pay, as part of a
sensitivity-training program.
--------------------------
California:
What's the quickest way to get elected in California?
Say that you are in favor of Pyramid Power.
How do you know when a relationship gets serious with a Californian native?
(S)he takes you to meet his/her Tarot Card reader.
What's an acceptable excuse for staying home from California High Schools?
The vibes just don't feel right.
What's the most common pet in California?
A rock.
What's the least often heard phrase in California?
No.
What's the most often heard phrase in California?
Let's party.
And the second most often heard phrase?
I do.
And the third?
I want a divorce!
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The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
dani@netcom.com (Dani Zweig)
--------------------------
From: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu (Bob)
Re: Fortunes for cookies wanted!
Never fish for compliments. You'll only confuse people.
Look to be pleasantly surprised sometime around mid-May, 2023.
Your dog is aging faster than you are.
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Sifted out of rec.humor by:
mark t. phillips:henr801c
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When my step-father retired from his orthodontist practice, we got business
cards printed up for him. They looked sort of like this:
-------------------------------------------
No Practice No Commitments |
No Appointments No Deadlines |
No Payroll No Alibies |
Arthur E. Carlsen, D.D.S. |
Orthodontist |
Retired |
No Plans No Connections |
No Problems No Prospects |
No Responsibilities No Nothing |
-------------------------------------------
He absolutely LOVED his new business cards and hands them out to all his
golf buddies! They were a fun gift!
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Albuquerque:
Albuquerque, the only city that has signs saying: "NO LEFT TURN..
except Bugs Bunny"
Albuquerque, the only city in which the following ad is run (I am not
making this up):
"And NMTech is located in Socorro, only an hour's drive from
Albuquerque" [The two cities are over 90 miles apart!]
Albuquerque... we make Pheonix and Denver look good.
Albuquerque... its not just a city! its a city thats really hard to spell!
Albuquerque... you break it, you buy it.
Albuquerque, where you will see this sign on the banks of the Rio
Grande River (I am not making this up):
"River can become dangerous during rainstorms" (its dry most
of the time)
Albuquerque... now with running water!
Albuquerque: We got two major highways and a LOT of radar guns.
Albuquerque: It's not much, but its the only gas between Pheonix and
El Paso.
Albuquerque: We got a McDonald's before Moscow did!
Albuquerque: Close to the border... we're just trying to figure out
which side.
Albuquerque: Its not a flash-flood... its a pool in your basement!
Albuquerque: Soon to be in color!
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Sifted out of rec.humor by:
Thompson Sara L. R.:Wbst205ul
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From: pts2@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (PAUL THOMAS STROBL)
"Every creative event that ever happened in the world
was an interruption." --Henry David Thoreau
--------------------------
From: shapiro@robots.ox.ac.uk (Larry Shapiro)
There once was a schoolboy named Mark
Afraid of trees in the dark,
His friends said, "Poor mite,
Do you think they will bite?",
He said, "No, I'm afraid of their bark!"
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Sifted out of rec.humor by:
Philip A. Fleischmann:ES AE
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From: bcollins@utdallas.edu (ARLIN B COLLINS)
An engineer thinks that equations approximate reality.
A physicist thinks that reality approximate equations.
A mathematician never makes the connection.
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From: gk@castle.ed.ac.uk (G Kerr)
Not a joke, this is fact.
The bookies in Britain have stopped taking bets on Elvis appearing at his anniversary concert - they say its too big a risk!?! *8^]
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From: dchong@mail.sas.upenn.edu (Dennis Chong)
Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a child trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it. The man calls out, "Let me get that for you," and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell.
"Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run."
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From: dness@mach2.wlu.ca (Drew Ness)
Q: How do you stop a guitar player from playing?
A: Put music in front of him (or her).
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From: briang@bari.Eng.Sun.COM (Brian Gordon)
Q: What's the difference between a DEC Rainbow and a bowling ball?
A: There's more software for the bowling ball.
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From: garrett@Ingres.COM (REACH OUT AND GREP SOMEONE)
What TV teaches us...
Thanks to a couple people who emailed me suggestions, and also my creative co-workers. (Disclaimer: There may be an occasional exception, but these are almost always true.)
1) If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2) Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased
by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3) Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4) Crazy people are always dangerous.
5) Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6) Good guys are always outnumbered.
7) Good guys always win and get the girl.
8) Ugly people are always bad guys.
9) Good guys are always good looking.
10) Sex, murder, and mayhem is a way of life.
11) Good guys are the only ones that have a sense of humor.
12) Cars will explode in all accidents, no matter how slight.
13) If you jump hundreds of feet into water, it will always be deep enough.
14) The head bad guy is always smart. The guys working for him are always stupid.
17) Haunted houses are never locked.
18) Women will faint at crucial times.
19) Good guys will always get shot in the arm or leg.
20) All Chinese people know Karate.
21) Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22) Rich people are either unhappy or private detectives.
23) Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.
25) There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
27) Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
26) Computers never crash.
27) When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from
the corner of their mouth.
30) Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but will
leave before finding out if it works.
31) Christmas Eve and Halloween night lasts for three or four days.
32) Movies based on true stories are always made up.
33) Police never wait for back-up.
34) Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35) Private detective work is glamorous.
36) All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the
ninth and two outs.
38) Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
40) Nobody on TV has time to watch TV.
43) Monsters are best hunted down when everyone spreads out and
goes out alone instead of in groups.
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Stuff Keith Henrickson sifted out of rec.humor:
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From: dbushong@wang.com (Dave Bushong)
Q: What's Orange and sleeps five?
A: A Massachusetts Department of Public Works truck.
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Stuff meo@pencom.com sifted out of rec.humor:
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From: ferguson@wizard.etsu.edu (Jason M Ferguson)
Are you a fan of the Original Salad Shooter, but find yourself
in need of MORE POWER?
Do you feel a need to launch tomatoes at neighbors but can't
throw?
NEVER FEAR! The New Salad Shooter 1000x is made just for YOU!
In fact, if you can't get at least a 100 foot range, we guarantee
a 100% refund!
The SS 1000x is perfect for going beyond the call of duty!
Instead of chopping vegetable for a salad, it purees it! And shoots
it a minimum of 20 yards, on the lowest power setting no less!
Did your mother tell you not to play with your food? Studies
by psycologists have shown the severe mental trauma this entails. So
the SS 1000x is made just for you!
Neighbor won't return the mower? Lock and load a few
tomatoes, and repaint his house.
Cop writing a ticket? We recommend cantelope!
The possibilities are endless!
send $19.95 to Jason Ferguson industries
Hubbell Hall rm 321
Commerce Tx 75428-2805
warning: we do not guarantee delivery. If you want the product, send
us money! Then we decide!
--------------------------
From: kauhunen@mits.mdata.fi (Kari Nenonen)
What is written in the bottom of the Swedish CocaCola bottles?
Answer: Open in the other end
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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