Article 172214 of rec.humor:
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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 9.E
Message-ID: [cate3D573Ds.62K@netcom.com]
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 22:49:04 GMT
Lines: 425
Sender: cate3@netcom11.netcom.com
Date: 1 Mar 93 15:02:53 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.E
The following is a collection of Star Trek related humor:
----------------------------------------------------
Meredith Ward froward this from another mailing list within Xerox:
]When the President of AAAI was asked by reporters what the ultimate
]goal of robotics and AI research was he said, and I quote:
]"Lt. Commander Data."
AAAI=American Association for Aritificial Intelligence
----------------------------------------------------
From a list of quotes compiled by Ron C Carman
From: rccarm00@mik.uky.edu (Ron C Carman)
ST:TNG Novel Compendium 11/12/92
--------------------------
Picard: Worf, do you have eleven weapons on you?
Worf: Of course not, sir.
Picard: Good... How many DO you have on you?
Worf: Fourteen.
...
Gava: Fourteen? In a uniform far less designed
for weapons concealment than that of a
Klingon? Very impressive.
Worf: Everything about me is very impressive.
_Strike_Zone_
--------------------------
Picard: This is Captain Picard. You have some business with us?
Kreel: Yes, business. You are to surrender your ship to us.
Worf: Permission to blast them from space, sir.
_Strike_Zone_
--------------------------
Picard: Are you implying, Mr. LaForge, that I was once a teenager?
LaForge: Never, sir.
Picard: I should think not.
_Strike_Zone_
--------------------------
Data: (to Wesley) I certainly hope it was an appropriate thing
to say.
Wesley: It was an insult!
Data: Was it?
Wesley: Yes!
Data: Are you quite certain?
Wesley: Absolutely certain.
Data: Good.
_Strike_Zone_
--------------------------
Data: Oh. Have I been babbling again?
Picard: Like a brook.
_Strike_Zone_
--------------------------
Klingonese always sounds like somebody either
gargling or getting strangled.
-- Lt. Cmdr. LaForge
_Power_Hungry_
--------------------------
Riker: You didn't see this, Geordi.
LaForge: See what? I'm blind, remember?
_Power_Hungry_
--------------------------
Had I sneezed, you would not be standing.
-- Lt. Worf
_A_Rock_and_a_Hard_Place_
--------------------------
Data: What would you suggest we do?
Worf: Perhaps I should shoot him.
Data: That seems a bit extreme.
Worf: That was not my extreme plan. I suspect you would not want
to hear my extreme plan.
_The_Eyes_of_the_Beholders_
--------------------------
Gregach: You speak your mind at times when you can ill afford to do so.
Worf: I speak my mind, and let the times attend to themselves.
_The_Eyes_of_the_Beholders_
--------------------------
I have learned that if I had been allowed to shoot things when I wanted
to shoot them in the first place, we would have significantly fewer problems.
-- Lt. Worf
_The_Eyes_of_the_Beholders_
--------------------------
Indeed, some might say that the Klingon (Worf) had a terminal case of
itchy trigger finger -- terminal for whomever the phaser was pointed at.
-- Peter David
_Vendetta_
--------------------------
Borg: Prepare to be assimilated by the Borg.
Worf: Prepare to eat phasers.
_Vendetta_
--------------------------
Phasers are the universal communicators.
-- Lt. Worf
_Vendetta_
--------------------------
Worf! Still struggling up the evolutionary ladder?
-- Q
_Q-in-Law_
Permission to bounce uninvited guest, Captain.
-- Lt. Worf
_Q-in-Law_
--------------------------
You'll have to forgive Worf. He just discovered opposable thumbs, and he's
feeling overly confident.
-- Q
_Q-in-Law_
--------------------------
Nobody, dear girl, can lie quite as well as we do to ourselves.
-- Q
_Q-in-Law_
--------------------------
Riker: She's (Lwaxana Troi) really beating the stuffing out of him (Q).
What do you think we should do?
Worf: Sell tickets.
_Q-in-Law_
--------------------------
Some people want to be right more than they want to
solve their problems.
-- Guinan
_Imbalance_
--------------------------
Kathy Li: It's been a lot of laughs, cupcake.
Lt. Riker: No more than that?
Kathy Li: *More* than that? With Will-the-Thrill,
I-Never-Met-a-Woman-I-Didn't-Like Riker?
_Imzadi_
---------------------------------------------------
George Eldridge forwarded this to an internal Xerox Mailing List:
--------------------------
Originally-From: aurenz%tle.DEC@decwrl.dec.com (Scot Aurenz, zko2-3/n30)
The Five Yorkshiremen: The Next Generation
Y1: Who would've thought that we'd be on a ship that could separate
in times of battle and keep most of the crew safe? I remember
when the whole ship used to go to yellow alert every time we
entered an ion storm.
Y2: You were lucky. We had to go to double yellow alert whenever
the captain fell into an obelisk, came out thinking he was a
god, and married an Indian woman.
Y3: You were lucky. We had to go to yellowish-red alert every time
a woman came on board and stole the first officer's brain.
Y4: You were lucky to have a woman on board. We had to go to red alert
when we were attacked by a mutant salt creature disguised as a woman.
Y5: Luxury! We had to go to double red alert every time the captain
found an overloading phaser in his quarters.
Y1. Oh, we used to dream of having an overloading phaser in the captain's
quarters. We had to go to triple red alert every time the blood-
sucking gas cloud got into the ship through impulse vent number two.
Y2: You were lucky. We had to go to quadruple red alert, blow up our own
ship, steal a Klingon bird of prey (which doesn't even have a red
alert), go to Vulcan to revive the dead captain, go back in time
and get two whales, come back and crash land in San Francisco Bay,
all on a Klingon triple black alert.
Y3: We could only hope for something like that. We had to go to quintuple
red alert, infiltrate Paradise city, fight a triple-breasted cat-whore,
get captured, crash a shuttle into the shuttle bay, get brain washed,
penetrate the great barrier in the center of the galaxy, find ShaKaRe,
and fight an evil deity from aboard a Klingon ship every time Spock's
brother showed up.
Y4: Ha! Sounds like shore leave! We had to go to hextuple red alert
after we invited Klingons to dinner and then were accused of firing
photon torpedos at their ship, surrender to the Klingons, stand trial
in a Klingon court, go to a Klingon penal colony, kick an alien
in the nuts, kiss an alien woman, escape the magnetic shield, beam back
to the ship, ignore Federation orders, go to septuple red alert (on
two ships), fight a vessel that could fire while cloaked, barge into
a Federation peace conference, kill an assasin, and arrest half of the
Federation officers every time the power station on a Klingon moon
exploded!
Y3: And if you'd try to tell that to these young officers today, they
wouldn't believe you.
Others: Nope. No they wouldn't.
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff Curtis McKelvey sifted out of rec.humor:
--------------------------
From: rebeccal@csugrad.cs.vt.edu (Rebecca S. Lawrence)
-- Curt
**20 Things that never happen in Star Trek**
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who
are all perfectly alright.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which
later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny
hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for
which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
sick-bay.
6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with
the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where
everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon
revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which
is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not
being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy
----------------------------------------------------------------
10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the
forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees
a shuttlecraft
8. playing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
life-forms
3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral
Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so"
1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team
beams back up
Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
---------------------------------------------------------
9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just
to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-
destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff Sara Thompson sifted out of rec.humor:
--------------------------
From: rxs34@po.CWRU.Edu (Rohit Santhanam)
Top 21 Signs that the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty
___________________________________________________________________
21: Impuse engines stall when used in reverse.
20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner
of warp coil now help up by phone book.
17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
15: Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image
from flickering.
14: Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through
squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
13: Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
12: Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side
become too steep for crew to climb.
11: Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2
people on board.
10: Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by
ten thousand care bears.
9: Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni
and cheese.
8: Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
7: Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either
stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
6: Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's
shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
5: Ship's dryer indiscriminantly shreds crew's uniforms, and related
problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with
Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
4: Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty
please with sugar on it".
2: Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are
exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
1: Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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