Date: 4 Jan 93 17:27:00 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.6
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"Life By the Yard is Hard, Life By the Inch is a Cinch,
so Easy Does It, One Day at A Time"
----------------------------------------------------
The November 30th issue of _AutoWeek_ details the risks of using radar to
prevent bus accidents.
Greyhound has developed a system called VORAD to warn a bus driver if there is a car hidden off his right or if he's following too closely. The problem is the system sends a radar signal 10 times a second. An _AutoWeek_ reader and bus driver reports that more than once he's been passed by a car moving at speeds in excess of the speed limit and watched their radar detector light go off. Unfortunately the speeder usually pulls in front of the nearest large target (you can guess what) and *slams on the bra
kes* to fool the non-existent Smokey. And, of course, busses go a lot better than they stop...
I find it funny that a system designed to prevent accidents could potentially cause accidents by encouraging other drivers to make unsafe maneuvers.
----------------------------------------------------
From firearms mailing list
*Remember, gun control is a steady hand.*
* Scott Connor scottso@panix.com *
----------------------------------------------------
Philip A. Fleischmann sifted the following gems out of rec.humor
--------------------------
"To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion." -- Unknown
--------------------------
From: whedon@netcom.com (Bill Whedon)
How did the chicken cross the road?
She turned state's evidence.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was part of a plea-bargain.
--------------------------
From: Robyn_Clark@mindlink.bc.ca (Robyn Clark)
Flugg's Law - When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the
world is composed of aluminum and vinyl.
Angus' Exchange Axiom - When travelling overseas, the exchange rate
improves the day after you have purchased foreign currency.
Murphy's Monetary Maxim - Inflation is never having it so good and
parting with it so fast.
--------------------------
From: bevans@mta.ca
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Formed an adhoc committee to study the situation.
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Cheryl Ann Pence sifted the following gems out of rec.humor
--------------------------
Sender: usenet@nntp.hut.fi (Usenet pseudouser id)
] "Driver Carries No Cash
] 2 Kids in College"
--------------------------
From: cnk@rgm.com (Claims No Knowledge)
Q: What do you call the shock absorbers inside a Yugo?
A: Passengers.
----------------------------------------------------
Thomas Q.M. Nhan forwarded from a humor room at washington.edu
--------------------------
I've heard of death referred to as: Negative patient-care outcome
I thought death was: metabolically challenged
I've seen one not too long ago as:
"Patient was found to be incompatable with life." Kind of absolving the
hospital of responsibility, I guess, eh?
--------------------------
"Hell is an endless church service without God.
Heaven is God without the church service."
--------------------------
From an ASUW Governance Committee manual:
The manual has a page devoted to the subject: "How to deal
with the media." The final piece of advice tells committee members to
"Never try and take on the media." It offers the following explanation as
to why:
"Taking on the media is like mud wrestling with a pig. You both
get dirty, but the pig likes it."
Note: ASUW is the acronym from Association of Students of Univ. of Washington
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff from Ian Chai
spectre@uiuc.edu
--------------------------
In light of President Milan Panic of Yugoslavia surviving an attempt by
hardliners led by Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic to remove him by
a no-confidence vote, in the "world briefs" section of today's Daily
Illini newspaper is the headline:
PANIC STILL REIGNS IN YUGOSLAVIA
--------------------------
In October 22's Far Eastern Economic Review, there was a title:
POLITICALLY CHALLENGED
No, it wasn't PC talk for someone who is an incompetent politician... it was
about someone being challenged politically!
--------------------------
A jew married a black woman. They had a family. One day the child came up
to his mother and said, "Mom, I'm confused. Have I been discriminated
against for 200 years, or 2,000 years?!?"
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections I've pulled from Keith Bostic's mailing list:
bostic@vangogh.cs.berkeley.edu
--------------------------
GOOD NEWS FOR GALILEO YJGI
VATICAN CITY, REUTER - AFTER 359 YEARS, THE ROMAN CATHOLIC
CHURCH HAS OFFICIALLY ADMITTED THAT IT WAS WRONG TO HAVE
CONDEMNED THE REVOLUTIONARY ITALIAN SCIENTIST GALILEO FOR
ASSERTING THAT THE EARTH ORBITS THE SUN.
POPE JOHN PAUL ON DEFINITIVELY CLOSED THE BOOK ON THE
AFFAIR, ONE OF HISTORY'S MOST NOTORIOUS CONFLICTS BETWEEN FAITH
AND SCIENCE. THE PONTIFF REHABILITATED GALILEO BY ACCEPTING THE
RESULTS OF A COMMISSION HE SET UP TO STUDY THE CASE.
THE COMMISSION ACKNOWLEDGED THAT THE INQUISITORS WHO HAD
CONDEMNED GALILEO IN 1633 HAD MADE A "SUBJECTIVE ERROR OF
JUDGEMENT".
--------------------------
FOZZIE BEAR BEATS CLINTON IN AUSTRALIA YJKU
SYDNEY, REUTER - FORGET BILL CLINTON - SOME DAYTIME
TELEVISION VIEWERS IN AUSTRALIA PREFER FOZZIE BEAR.
COVERAGE OF THE U.S. PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION ON AUSTRALIAN
BROADCASTING CORPORATION TELEVISION WAS INTERRUPTED BY THE
CHILDREN'S SERIES SESAME STREET. AS U.S. PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH
WAS CONCEDING DEFEAT IN TEXAS, FOZZIE BEAR AND A MOTLEY CREW OF
OTHER MUPPET CHARACTERS WERE SINGING WITH GUEST HARRY BELAFONTE
ON THE NETWORK.
A NEWS EXECUTIVE SAID VIEWERS HAD TELEPHONED AND COMPLAINED
THE COVERAGE WAS TOO BORING AND DEMANDED THE SCHEDULED SESAME
STREET BE RETURNED.
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections taken from a mailing list run by
Victor Schwartz
--------------------------
(Contributed by Keith Stobie to the Tandem Humor DL, from a collection
supplied by Lois Watson at HP:)
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off,
and when it isn't ... you can't wait to throw up.
--------------------------
(From Douglas Adams' new book: "Mostly Harmless: The Fifth Book in the
Increasingly Inaccurately Named Hitchikers Trilogy")
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that
cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong
goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
--------------------------
(From "Dave Barry does Japan")
Too many chiefs, not enough Native Americans, that's what's wrong with this
country. We all want to manage. We all want to attend meetings and
develop concepts. We look down on jobs that involve any physical activity
more rigourous than faxing. Nobody in this country knows how to DO
anything anymore. There was a time when avaerage Americans could get
together and, in one afternoon, build an entire barn. Yes! A barn! Can
you imagine average Americans doing that today? Not a chance! They'd
spend weeks debating the membership and organizational structure of the
Barn Architect Selection Committee, whose members would then get into a
lengthy squabble over the design of the logo to appear on their letterhead.
Ultimately this issue would become a bitter and drawn-out dispute, be
taken to court, and the peple involved would start complaining of
depression and anxiety, and psychologists would announce that these people
were victims of a new disease called Barn Committee Logo Dispute Distress
Syndrome, or BCLDDS, which would become the subject of one-hour shows by
Phil Donahue and Sally Jessy Raphael, after which MILLIONS of Americans
would realize tht they, too, were suffering from BCLDDS, and they'd form
support groups with Hot Line numbers and twelve-step programs. That's what
we modern Americans do. Anything but actually BUILD THE DAMN BARN.
Anything but actually PICK UP A DAMN HAMMER AND A DAMN PIECE OF LUMBER AND
SLAP!
Thanks, I needed that.
----------------------------------------------------
From dsc.cuties,
which I think is run by lindsay@dscatl.uucp (Lindsay Cleveland)
--------------------------
Contributed by: wegdcb!gcegb
IRONY ITEM
People will travel many thousands of miles to
appear at a family reunion----in order to be
with the same people they once left home to
get away from.
---Shay Rieger, WSJ, 10/20/83
--------------------------
Contributed by: hou5a!hbb (Harlan Baude) (continued)
Murphy's Laws
--------------------
SATTINGER'S LAW. It works better if you plug it in.
JENKINSON'S LAW. It won't work.
HORNER'S FIVE-THUMB POSTULATE. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
CHEOPS'S LAW. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
RULE OF ACCURACY. When working toward the solution of a problem, it always
helps to know the answer.
ZYMURG'S SEVENTH EXCEPTION TO MURPHY'S LAWS. When it rains, it pours.
----------------------------------------------------
From Gunter's mailing list
gunter@tartarus.uwa.edu.au (Gunter Ahrendt)
--------------------------
Q: What's the average term of a Washington, DC, mayor?
A: 6 months to a year
--------------------------
I will be building the ultimate RISC machine. I have reduced the
instruction set to only two instructions:
ON
OFF
--------------------------
q: who will lose the presidental campaign of '92?
a: the american people
--------------------------
ENERGIZER BUNNY ARRESTED!!
Police charge him with battery!!
--------------------------
In a P.O.W. camp in Germany, a German guard said to an
English prisoner, "Swine!!"
The Englishman acknowledged, "Smith."
--------------------------
"Luke... Luke... Use the MOUSE, Luke" - Obi Wan Gates
"Ummm, Trouble with grammar have I! Yes!" -Yoda-
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
----------------------------------------------------
From a mailing list run by Wayne Geiser called "On This Day"
geiser@roadrunner.pictel.com
--------------------------
December 20, 1992
Events today ...
In 1820, Missouri imposed a $1 per year bachelor's tax on men from 21 to 50.
--------------------------
"The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is
modest about it."
- James Agate.
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections taken from:
"Charley Jones's Famous Laugh Book"
It was published in 1944
--------------------------
"And there, my son, you have the story of your day and the Great World War."
"Yes, Daddy, but why did they need all those other sodiers?"
--------------------------
At the end of the fifth round, the heavy weight staggered to his cornor in
a dazed and battered condition. His manager approached him and whispered
in his ears, "Say, Slugger, I've got a swell idea! Next time he hits you,
hit him back."
--------------------------
Customer: "Your dog seems very fond of watching you cut hair."
Barber: "It ain't that; sometimes I snip off a bit of a customer's ear."
--------------------------
A gentleman was much surprised when the good looking young lady greeted
him by saying, "Good evening." He could not remember ever having meet
her before.
She evidently realized her mistake, for she apologized and explained:
"Oh, I'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father
of two of my children."
She walked on, while the man stared after her. She did not realize,
of course, that he was unaware that she was a school teacher.
--------------------------
Navy Bill had broken with his girl. After ignoring several of her
letters requesting the return of her photograph, on came threatening
to complain to the captain. Deciding to squelch her for all time,
he borrowed all the pictures of girls available on the ship, sending
them to her in a large bundle, with the following not:
"Pick yours out. I've forgotten what you look like."
--------------------------
Colonel: "You say you served with the Army in France?"
Cook: "Yes sir. Officers' cook for two years and wounded twice."
Colonel: "You're lucky, man. It's a wonder they didn't kill you."
--------------------------
A charitable woman noticed a poorly dressed man standing at a street
corner near her home. Taking pity on him one morning, she pressed a
dollar bill into his hand as she passed, whispering "Never Despair."
The next day she passed by again, and he stopped her and handed her
$9. "What does this mean?" she asked.
To which he replied. "It means, ma'am, that 'Never Despair' won in the
third race at 8 to 1.
--------------------------
I had a girl, her name was Nellie.
She fell in the ocean up to her knees.
(It doesn't rhyme because it wasn't deep enough where she fell in.)
--------------------------
A swanky chap applied at the recruiting office to enlist.
"I suppose you want a commission," said the officer.
"No, thanks," was the reply.
"I'm such a poor shot that I'd rather work on a straight salary."
--------------------------
Dogs in Siberia are the fast in the world because the trees are so far apart.
--------------------------
Reporter (to visiting Frenchman):
"And what are you most ancious to see in America Duke?"
The Duke: "I veesh to veesit that famous Mrs. Beach who had so many
sons in the last war."
--------------------------
Charitable Lday: "Here, my poor fellow, is a quarter for you. It must
be terrible to be lame, but I think it must be worse to be blind."
Panhandler: "You're right, Ma'am. When I was blind people was always
handin' me counterfeit money."
--------------------------
A bad, bad man was shot in a saloon brawl in Cripple Creek,
in the old days. They buried him; then everyone stood around
the filled grave expectantly, waiting for someone to say a few
good words for the deceased. All tongues were silent.
At last one old man, who had known the deceased longest, lifted
his hand. "Friends," he said with heartfelt feeling, "Ol Jim
use to shoot a mighty good hand of marbles, as a kid."
--------------------------
A railroad agent in Africa had been bawled out for doing things
without orders from headquarters. One day his boss recieved the
following startling telegram: "Tiger on plateform eating conductor.
Wire instructions."
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First Private: "Why did you salute that truck driver?"
Second Rookie: "Don't be so dumb! That's no truck driver, thats
General Hauling. Didn't you see the sign?"
--------------------------
"Folks," said the old ministor, "the subject this evenin' is Liars.
How many in the congregation has done read the 69th Chapter of Matthew?"
Nearly every hand in the audience was raised.
"Dat's right," said his reverence. "You is de folks I want to preach to.
Dere ain't no 69th Chapter of Matthew."
--------------------------
Two old maids were in an insane asylum for years, always knitting and
knitting. "Gee," sighed Mayme one day, "I wish some tall, handsome man
would wind his arms around me and squeeze me until I gasp."
"Now you're talking sense," said Hattie.
"You'll be out of here in a few days."
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