Article 166969 of rec.humor:
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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life 9.4
Message-ID: [cate3D3Dox3.xv@netcom.com]
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 15:12:38 GMT
Lines: 505
Date: 7 Dec 92 16:12:34 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 9.4
----------------------------------------------------
From: Kevin Paul Goldman [kg1i+@andrew.cmu.edu]
A radio station near me used to have a monthly "You are an Idiot" award.
One such winner was a guy who broke into a dog kennel to steal money and
assorted stuff. Unfortunately for him he broke into a security
dog-training kennel, a mere few days after a class of dobermans and
german shepards had graduated. Needless to say he was apprehended by
over 15 dogs, and although not seriously hurt, he was shaken ( The
owners found him the next morning restrained by 15+ dogs and called the
police ).
It was later found out that the man couldn't read which is why he didn't
realize what he was breaking into.
----------------------------------------------------
From James R Davidson
[* Hardware has physical parts that wear out, but can be
replaced with identical or improved parts; the physical
environment seldom changes. Software parts do not wear out,
but often need replacement with greatly improved parts for
changing environmental requirements.]
Yes--reminds me of another definition of the difference:
If you use a piece of hardware long enough, eventually it will stop working.
If you use a piece of software long enough, eventually it will start working.
----------------------------------------------------
From: gilmour@stein.u.washington.edu
i was on 45th and brooklyn and this bum is standing right in my way as i'm
walking along.. he says to me 'all i need is 32c so i can catch the bus' and
i put my hands in my pockets to look for change and tell him i don't have any
change. 'can you just help me out?' he says. 'don't you have anything?' and
i say i don't have anything.
and then he pulls the gun out of his pocket just enough for me to see it and
says 'all i need is five bucks.' i hand him the ten from my wallet (all the
money i had on me) and start to walk off and he says 'hey!' and hands me five
one dollar bills.
the world is a strange place.
----------------------------------------------------
From: "Thomas Q.M. Nhan" [mnhan@u.washington.edu]
We preserve our freedoms using four boxes:
soap, ballot, jury, and cartridge.
----------------------------------------------------
From Netwit, a mailing list run by Jeff Knodel
knodel@cis.ohio-state.edu
--------------------------
Submitted by: jmn@crown.berkeley.edu (J. Mark Noworolski)
Heard on Rush Limbaugh this morning:
Marion Barry promised to clean up the city of crack cocaine....
as soon as he has enough money to buy it all.
(For those who don't know- Marion Barry just finished serving a sentence for
crack cocaine posession. He was the mayor of Washington(?) before the bust,
and has recently been re-elected for office).
--------------------------
From: [HOUGUM@NDSUVM1.BITNET]
Two guys are sitting at a bar talking politics when one asks the other
what he thinks Clinton should do with the abortion bill.
He replies "I think he should pay the damn thing."
--------------------------
From: koustubh@comet.msd.measurex.com (Koustubh Jha)
Clinton's Simplified 1040 form
The following flyer was doing the rounds at my office a couple
of days after Clinton got elected...
Clinton's Simplified 1040 Form
------------------------------
Dept of the Treasury - Internal Revenue Service
1040 U.S. Individual Income Tax 1993 Return
Your Social Security Number
- -
Part 1. INCOME
1. How much money did you make last year? -----] _____
2. Send it in. --------------------------------] _____
3. If you have any questions or comments, please
write them in the box provided -------------] []
--------------------------
From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Paper Shredder
Swiped from an old Reader's Digest:
The new employee stood before the paper shredder
looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary,
walking by, asked.
"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from
his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
--------------------------
Submitted by: jns@inoms.bellcore.com (Jesse N. Schell)
Someone once asked me if there was any real difference between engineers,
scientists, and managers in today's high tech companies. Although the
differences are often subtle to an outsider, you can tell one from another
simply by the questions they ask.
Engineering: "How will this work?"
Science: "Why will this work?"
Management: "When will this work?"
And in today's technological environment, this is often followed by:
Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
--------------------------
Submitted by: Rob Knauerhase [rob@zorro.cecer.army.mil]
Bill Clinton has been advised by doctors to save his voice and
not speak a single word for the next couple days.
Guess this means he'll have to contradict himself in mime...
Submitted by: naveen@Autodesk.COM (Naveen Chandra)
Did you know the new radio telescope searching for intelligent life
did receive its first message.
"If you have a touch tone radio telescope please press 1 Now."
--------------------------
Submitted by: coleman@kirkland.East.Sun.COM (Rob Coleman)
"Nishiki Okimoto died yesterday. He was one of the primary engineers
who worked on the original VCR. His funeral service will be at 12:00...
12:00... 12:00... 12:00..."
-- Dennis Miller (from memory)
"Anyone know how I can get my VCR to start blinking "1:00" now that
Daylight Savings Time is here?"
-- Unknown
--------------------------
From: Ed.Green@sunpix.East.Sun.COM (Ed Green - Pixel Cruncher)
College correspondance
Your (send money) note reminds me of an ASCII joke I read a long time
ago (perhaps before ASCII). I don't remember it exactly, but this is
close:
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o
if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
from you.
Love,
Your $on.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh for to
keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections taken from:
"Charley Jones's Famous Laugh Book"
It was published in 1944
--------------------------
Quartermaster's Segeant:
"Well - speak up there, how do you want your uniform, too big, or too small?"
--------------------------
Our idea of an optimist is of the man who took the marriage vows at the ripe
old age of 87 and started house hunting for a nice place close to a school.
--------------------------
The foreman reported that the jury was unable to agree upon a verdict.
The jude reproved them, saying that the cases was a very clear one and one
upon which an early verdict should be reached. Then he remanded them to
the jury room for further deliberations.
"And if you don't reach a decision before evening," the judge added,
"I'll have 12 suppers sent in to you."
"May it please your honor," spoke up the foreman, "but I suggest that you
make it 11 suppers and a bale of hay."
--------------------------
Sign at entrance to country home:
"Watch out! Our dog is awkfully careless since meat rationing."
--------------------------
The new minister was talking to the oldest inhabitant.
"I 97 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one.
"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.
"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all."
--------------------------
Visitor at asylum:
"Do you have to keep the women inmates separated from the men?"
Attendant:
"Sure. The people here ain't so crazy as you think."
--------------------------
The train came to a sudden grinding stop.
"What has happened, Conductor?" asked a nervous passenger.
"Nothing much, we just ran over a cow."
"Was it on the track?"
"No," replied the disgusted conductor. "We chased it into the barn."
--------------------------
"I just got out of prison this morning." a travelor told a man on the train.
"It's going to be tough, facing old friends."
"I can sympathise with you," commiserated the other.
"I'm just getting home from the State Legislature."
--------------------------
Drunk in a telephone booth:
"Number hell - I want my peanuts."
----------------------------------------------------
Sent a message to almanac@oes.orst.edu
with just the text "SEND QUOTE"
And got the following:
"So you see, the only truth proof of what you are is in the way you hear
the truth."
- Lemmy Kilmeister
"If you don't laugh at all, you've missed the point. If you only laugh,
you've missed your chance from illumination."
- Robert Anton Wilson
"It is probably true that the UNIX operating system has extensive
documentation since most things are written down somewhere."
- McGilton and Morgan
"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools.
Let's start with typewriters."
- Solomon Short
"Why should my liberty be restricted by another man's conscience?"
I Corinthians, 10:29
"You enemy is never a villain in his own eyes. Keep this in mind, it may
offer a way to make him your friend. If not, you can kill him without
hate--and quickly."
- Lazarus Long
"Sun Microsystems: Where we DESIGN the Star Fighters that defend the
frontier against Xur and the Ko-dan Armada."
- Steven C. Neighorn
"An unsupervised teenager with a modem is as dangerous as an
unsupervised teenager with a gun."
- Gail Thackeray, Arizona Ass. State Attorney
"Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology."
- R. S. Barton
"The victor will always judge the defeated, and always find him guilty."
- Goering, during the Nuremberg Trials
"The Democrats say you aren't worried about the $2.8 trillion national
debt they've created."
- Lee Atwater
"A man who cannot reason is a fool, a man who will not reason is a bigot,
and a man who dare not reason is a slave."
- William Drummond
"What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who
always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?"
-Tom Galloway
"1984 has past, forget about Big Brother. Welcome to the 90's where the
government's your mother!"
- Scatterbrain
----------------------------------------------------
From following is from dsc.cuties run by:
lindsay%dscatl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
--------------------------
Creative minds always have been known to survive any
kind of bad training.
-- Anna Freud
--------------------------
A man about to speak the truth should keep one foot in the stirrup.
-- Old Mongolian Saying
--------------------------
Have you ever notices...Those who complain about the way
the ball bounces are often the ones who dropped it!
-- Bill Kirby
--------------------------
Often the laws of the nation or the state may allow some action
which honor would forbid.
Mark Twain once owned a publishing house. At one point, late
in his life, it faced bankrupcy. Twain knew that he could
declare bankruptcy and escape the payment of much of his debt.
But he decided that to do so would not be the honorable thing to
do.
So, at the age of 64, he began a lecture tour which he
anticipated would continue for four years after which time he
estimated that he would be able to pay off the debt his failed
business had incurred. In speaking about this course of action,
Twain said: "Honor is a harder master than the law."
-- Gregory A. Megill
--------------------------
Sometime when you feel age creeping up on you, just remember
Harry Wright of New Lexington, Ohio. Although he was 101
years old on March 27, 1984, he still attended his lodge meetings
walking up the stairs to the second floor, attended Church and
Sunday School every week, and made tape-recordings for the
benefit of shut-ins 30 years his junior!
--------------------------
Contributed by wegdcb!gcegb
GOPHER BROKE
If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
As well as by traffic and crime,
Consider how worry-free gophers are,
Though living on burrowed time.
--Richard Armour, WSJ 11/7/83.
--------------------------
Contributed by: wegdcb!gcegb
EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER
"Don't worry, Mrs. Caruthers," the banker assured a
customer who was concerned with the ever-increasing
computerization of her financial affairs.
We here at Tenth National still provide plenty of
chances for human error."
--Edward Stevenson, WSJ, 9/29/83
----------------------------------------------------
Selections from a mailing list run by Victor Schwartz
--------------------------
(From a recent "Non Sequitur" comic strip)
The scene is the office of the State Slogan Committee of a State with Low
Self-Esteem. (Can you think of any?)
The committee members are carefully considering the Finalists' entries in
the State Slogan Contest They are:
1. "Sorry, but you have to go through here to get to Iowa."
2. "The state where people left to become famous."
3. "We're Nebraska-ish."
--------------------------
A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you didn't
even know existed can render your own computer unusable.
-- Leslie Lamport, CACM, June 1992
--------------------------
(From "Prophets in the Dark: How Xerox Reinvented Itself and Beat Back the
Japanese," by David T. Kearns and David A. Nadler. The narrator is David
Kearns, ex-CEO of Xerox.)
... many of the great ideas are not precipitated by the customer. While
the customer knows what he wants, he doesn't always know what's possible.
And that first dawned on me in my earliest days in business. When I was
new at IBM, working in sales and taking a management training program in
Sleepy Hollow, New York, I came back to my room grumbling about the lack of
speed and reliability of the tape drives, and wondered why the engineers
couldn't do something about it. My roommate stared at me with a look of
total exasperation. "Boy, you guys in sales are all the same," he said.
"You remind me of the farmer in 1850. If you asked him what he wanted, he
would say he wanted a horse that was half as big and ate half as many oats
and was twice as strong. And there would be no discussion of a tractor.
--------------------------
(From Douglas Adams' new book: "Mostly Harmless: The Fifth Book in the
Increasingly Inaccurately Named Hitchikers Trilogy")
(Regarding) the speed of light and the difficulties involved in trying to
exceed it.
You can't.
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception
of bad news, which obeys its own special laws. The Hingefreel people of
Arkintoofle Minor did try to build spaceships that were powered by bad news
but they didn't work particularly well and were so extremely unwelcome
whenever they arrived anywhere that there wasn't really any point in being
there.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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