Date: 18 Nov 92 15:22:59 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life 9.1
----------------------------------------------------
Selections from:
"The Canonical List of Bill Clinton Jokes"
by bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu (Bob)
This was posted to rec.humor
This file contains jokes about Bill Clinton that I have saved from
Usenet (rec.humor, rec.humor.funny, alt.sex, alt.tasteless.jokes, Netwit,
alt.politics.elections) over the past nine months or so. Some of these
are kinda lame and I don't even understand a lot of them, but there are
also a few decent ones in here.
Since it looks like Clinton will be the President for the next four
years, I thought I would continue collecting Bill Clinton jokes and
humor for a while as kind of a humor-oriented historical record.
Please send me any Bill Clinton humor that you know of or that you hear
from friends, comedians, talk-show monologues, radio, etc. There might be
quite a few on election day and immediately following, so keep an ear out.
Also, I'd like any humorous quotes by Bill Clinton or about him,
such as the "I didn't inhale" quote or Perot's line about Arkansas
being irrelevant.
Send Bill Clinton humor to: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu
The Canonical List of Bill Clinton Jokes
========================================
Late Night With David Letterman's suggested Clinton campaign slogan:
"We don't have a clue, but we don't have a Quayle."
==
Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton evading the draft:
"Do I care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does."
[Bob Kerrey lost an arm in Vietnam.]
==
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
==
From an Associated Press report:
Gore, a 16-year veteran of Congress, pledged to take on the assignment
with "great relish and enthusiasm." He asked voters skeptical of their
promise of change to remember that every Communist government in Eastern
Europe had fallen in 100 days.
"Now it's our turn here in the United States of America," Gore said.
==
"One thing's for sure about Clinton...
-- He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"
==
From a Mike Royko column:
Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had
been her lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your wife
was affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share with
millions of American men how the heck you managed to talk your way out
of that pickle?
==
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
==
George Bush:
"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets
if Bill Clinton is elected president."
==
Heard on MTV News:
"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the
inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring
down the house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country."
==
BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE
1040 Bufoo Street
Little Rock, AR 72205
Dear Friend,
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for
raising five million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton
in the Hall of Fame in Washington D.C.
This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue.
It was not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington,
who never told a lie, nor beside Senator Joe McCarthy, who never told
the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside the statue of Christopher
Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing
where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not
knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will
lead you to the Promised Land!" Nearly 5,000 years later,
Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses,
and light up a Camel, this IS the Promised Land!" Now, Bill
Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise
the price of Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.
If you are one of the fortunate few who has anything left after
taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Fraternally,
The Bill Clinton Statue Committee
==
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer
to this one.
==
A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing
something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with
cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy,
what ARE you doing?"
The boy replied, "I am making George Bush, Mister."
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making George
Bush? Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"
The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
"But why not?" asked the man.
The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough manure here to
make Bill Clinton."
==
TRUE STORY
A friend told me he saw this on F-Troop last night:
The Captain, the Chief, and an Inspector General were discussing the
Chief's breaking of a Treaty. The following was the dialog:
Inspector General: But Chief, how could you break the treaty?
You smoked the peace pipe with us!
Chief: Ah, yes. But, I didn't inhale!
HELLO! Sound familiar everybody? Not only can't Clinton tell the truth,
but he plagiarizes his lies!
==
Reagan speech 8/17/92, referring to Bill Clinton (with veiled reference to
Lloyd Bentson's comment to Dan Quayle during the 1988 VP debate; also after
joking about his (Reagan's) advanced age):
All right. Listen to me. This fellow they've nominated claims he's the
new Thomas Jefferson. Well, let me tell you something. I knew Thomas
Jefferson. He was a friend of mine. And, governor, you're no Thomas
Jefferson.
Reagan speech 8/17/92 at Republican National Convention:
When we see all that rhetorical smoke billowing out from the Democrats,
ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of their nominee: Don't
inhale.
==
Bill Clinton justifies his proposed increases in government spending
by dividing it into investment spending and consumption spending:
GNP = C + I + Government Investment + Government Consumption
He claims that goverment investment is productive and is worth running a
deficit for.
The question is whether the government can really make that many
investments that are better than private sector investments. People
are scared that under Bill Clinton and the Democrats, we will instead
get:
GNP = C + Pork Barrel + White Elephants
+ Bureaucracy + Inefficiency
+ Uncontrolled Costs
+ Politically Correct Spending
+ Outrageous Boondoggles
+ $500 Billion Bank Bailouts
+ Favors to Lobbyists
+ More Favors to Big-Voting-Bloc Special Interests
+ Even More Favors to Big-Money Campaign Contributors
Most people don't think that politicians, government bureaucrats
and academic economists would know an efficient investment from
a hole in the wall. They think that politicians would end up
calling everything they like, including increases in their own
salaries, a form of investment.
==
DLC STUDIOS
Presents
SLICK WILLIE
One Man's Story Of Saying Whatever It Takes To Get Elected
He'll do to America what he did to Arkansas.
He won't inhale.
He won't take us to war... because he wouldn't go himself.
Hillary Clinton as "Tammy Wynette" Gennifer Flower as "The Bimbo"
Ted Kennedy as "His Chaperone" Mario Cuomo as "The Godfather"
Don't Miss the Sequel: GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!
DLC Studios presents
BILL CLINTON as "SLICK WILLIE" in a BLOODWORTH-THOMASON production
Executive Producer: RON BROWN Directed By: JAMES CARVILLE
Screenplay by: GEORGE MCGOVERN Based on the Book By: GLORIA STEINEM
Music by: SISTER SOULJAH Performed by: ICE-T
Featuring: JESSE JACKSON as "THE RAPPER" AL GORE as "THE TREE HUGGER"
PAUL TSONGAS as "ELMER FUDD" JERRY BROWN as "GOVERNOR MOONBEAM"
Special Apperances by: JIMMY CARTER WALTER MONDALE MICHAEL DUKAKIS
ARSENIO HALL THE HIPPIES THE YIPPIES HISPANIC LESBIANS AGAINST RACISM
COMMITTEE TO SAVE THE GAY WHALES ACT UP EARTH FIRST!
UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS ROTC UNIT
Soundtrack Available On Rated R: Ridiculous
TIME-WONDER TAXPAYER BEWARE
Records and Tapes
Taken from a cartoon in The Washington Times. In the cartoon, it does
appear as one of those movie posters that they release for a movie.
==
George Bush:
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues."
==
I just realized why Clinton visited Tandem yesterday rather than Sun
or HP which would have brought larger crowds.
He thought Tandem would be a friendlier crowd when he heard they
were a "fault tolerant" company.
==
Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done
to your campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how
"Hitler was really a great guy" ?
Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.)
Hilary and myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened
by this terrible misunderstanding. The media hype is way out
of proportion. You guys should know us by now--we would never
say anything like that. And though she did say a few things
about Germany she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by
her remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shame-
fully taken out of context and distorted. There is nothing in
my life, or Hilary's life, which can be construed as deroguerotory
toward the German people. We honor them. Some of our best
friends are Germans. My own grandmother was one-quarter German.
And it certainly isn't true that Germans are excluded from our
country club. In my eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I
was responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my three
predecessors combined. We have some pie charts which we'll
pass around for all you boys so you have the whole story.
Once the American people know all the facts they'll understand
just how ridiculous this is.
Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner,
although I never thought of myself that way or wanted to be
called that. You boys just keep taking your best shots. The
American people have seen the worst of me and they aren't turned
off by what we stand for. But this latest outrage is just too
much. You boys ought to be ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash
for cash, that's what this is. We have good reason to believe
the audio tapes were doctored. We're not even sure if that's
Hilary's voice. You guys ought to have checked this out better
before launching a major attack on my wife. The whole story was
phony to begin with. In fact, our sources suggest that this is
is just the latest manifestation of the viscious smear campaign
orchestrated by the white house, who have declared many times
that they will do whatever it takes to win this election. And
that's part of the reason that we're so outraged about this--the
very gall of the whole thing. The only nazis you find in America
these days are people like David Duke, who of course is a
Republican, not a Democrat. But I certainly don't mean to imply
that George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet. As I
told Hilary just this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a right."
It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on
the bandwagon and has repeated these ridiculous charges every
chance he gets. It is clearly in Governor Brown's interest to
do whatever he can to turn the discussion away from his "flat
tax" proposal which would spell disaster for the people of
this nation. And former Senator Tsongas, although he tried to
claim he was above such things, has also chimed in with a few
comments of his own and he maintains he isn't even running any
more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and Governor Brown, I've always
tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've tried to avoid
misleading or negative campaigning of any kind.
(Turning up the heat, getting more dramatic.)
The millions of citizens of this great country who are
out of work or scared of losing their jobs or their health
insurance know what I stand for. People are genuinely
disillutioned with the way things are in Washington, and this
kind of sideshow just reinforces their disgust. People have
been let down, they've been shafted by Washington. They
want to know whether they have a vehicle for their resentment.
I have always run my campaigns as a change agent. I'm as
much of an outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against
the congressional pay raise!
Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the
media, and the people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy.
Here we are trying to bring everyone together in this country
so that we can work for the future, and once again viscious
lies are spread about us and guerilla tactics are used against
us. Besides, I thought you guys were supposed to be on my side.
It is just plain cowardice to keep bringing this up and
attacking my wife instead of raising honest issues like the
need for more submarines, my support for a middle class tax cut,
the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of poor
honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments,
how opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry's
flat tax would cripple the nation. Maybe Hilary should have
just stayed home in Arkansas and baked some cookies.
-- Nervous in New England
==
I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race
during the Labor Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an
excellent choice to preside over an event where people drive in
circles at high speed.
==
Ya know, I kinda hope that Clinton does get elected... It will be the
first time in a long while that I'll have been able to *really* enjoy
political humor...
Bill Clinton has been advised by doctors to save his voice and
not speak a single word for the next couple days.
Guess this means he'll have to contradict himself in mime...
==
Send Bill Clinton humor to: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu
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