Date: 9 Nov 92 13:12:53 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.V
----------------------------------------------------
From rec.humor:
From: ss1@kepler.unh.edu (The Rink)
If an animal does something, we call it instinct; if we do the same
thing for the same reason, we call it intelligence.
(Will Cuppy)
--------------------------
From: 00BWANDERSON@leo.bsuvc.bsu.edu (i palindrome i)
At the Mad Anthonys Gold Tournement in Ft. Wayne, Dan Quayle was asked
what his handicap is. "Jay Leno," he replied.
And they say Dan's not on the ball...
Found in the Huntington Herald Press (yes, Huntington, IN, Danny-boy's
hometown!)
--------------------------
From: jamesr@uts.amdahl.com (Jim Richard)
Why did the Mafia kill Einstein?
He knew too much.
--------------------------
From: martin@parst1.paradigm.CO.ZA (Martin Walker)
The signal to noise ratio on this group seems to have been particularly
bad recently, so this may help to redress the balance slightly :
--
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the
average man can see much better than he can think.
--
Little girl: "Why does your grandmother read her bible so much?"
Little boy: "I guess she must be cramming for her finals."
--
MacDougil was standing outside the church after his fifth daughter's wedding
ceremony when a reporter came up to him and asked, "MacDougil, this is your
fifth daughter's wedding - you must be avery proud man."
"Och aye, I'm proud, but the confetti's is just getting a wee bit gritty."
----------------------------------------------------
From comp.sys.ibm.pc.games
From: bayliss@skat.usc.edu (T.Drew Bayliss)
The choice is very simple:
Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
----------------------------------------------------
Humor from Fredgate@fquest.FidoNet.Org
- How do you get your place to spin like this?
- Five billion people and still no date.
- I'm donating my body to science fiction.
- Has the world gone mad or is this the post office?
- Being weird isn't enough.
- Why can't I attract men like crazy instead of attract crazy men?
- When I was young, all I wanted was to be ruler of the universe. Now that
isn't enough. (Alex P. Keaton)
- Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath...
- All undetectable errors will be treated as if no error occured. (IBM)
- Wise men talk because they have something to say;
Fools because they have to say something. (Plato)
- Let him that would move the world, first move himself. (Socrates)
- Our desires multiply so much faster than our ability to satisfy them.
(Scott Peck)
- The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is the way
one uses them.
- I like you but I wouldn't like to see you working with sub-atomic
particles.
- Find the hidden faces on this button and you win a free straitjacket!
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff chai@cs.uiuc.edu (Ian Chai) has forwarded to me:
--------------------------
From: Glenn Chappell [chappell@symcom.math.uiuc.edu]
That reminds me of a similar anecdote I heard about the movie "Return of
the Jedi":
In order to make the various alien languages in the Star Wars movies
sound realistic, they made them up from real languages, grabbing a
syllable here and a syllable there, mixing them up enough that the
result wouldn't be intelligible to anyone, but would sound as if it
were really a language.
Well, evidently, in one case they didn't mix them up enough. When the
movie "Return of the Jedi" was shown in some tribal village somewhere in
Africa(?), the crowd suddenly erupted in laughter during a battle scene.
When the matter was investigated, it was found that when some sort of
alien was supposed to be shouting commands to his subordinates, what he
actually said, in the local language, was "Hello. How are you? It's not
over here; it's over there."
--------------------------
In 76 B.C., [Julius Caesar] set sail for the island of Rhodes in order
to study oratory further under the best Greek teachers. On the way, he
was captured by pirates who held him for ransom. They demanded
something like $100,000 in [1966] money. While the money was being
scraped up by friends and relatives, Caesar charmed his captors (he
charmed everyone). They apparently had a pleasant time together and in
the course of friendly conversation, the pirates asked Caesar what he
would do once he was free. Caesar said calmly that he would return with
a fleet, capture and execute those who were now holding him for ransom.
The pirates laughed at the joke. Nevertheless, when Caesar's ransom
arrived and he was set free, he proceede to collect ships, return,
capture the pirates, and have them executed -- as he had promised. The
gay young aristocrat was no one to trifle with.
- Isaac Asimov
The Roman Empire
1966 Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston
--------------------------
Excerpted from UPI
SHAKER HEIGHTS, Ohio (UPI) -- Normalee Stuart bet one of her friends
she could get away with registering her cat as a voter. She won her bet.
It's not clear whether Morris Feline Stuart is a Demo-cat, a Fat Cat
or a Republican -- or even a fan of Ross Purr-O -- but Morris is now a
registered voter in Cuyahoga County, the (Cleveland) Plain Dealer
reported Monday.
Stuart (the woman, not the cat) said she registered Morris to prove
there are few, if any, safeguards against voter fraud in the county. She
got the idea when a a neighbor had told her of receiving a voter
registration card addressed to a woman who had been dead for 12 years.
Ohio law does not require people -- or cats -- to identify themselves
when registering to vote. In fact, state law, which doesn't even require
identification from people when voting, allows mail-in registration. And
that's how Morris became one of the electorate.
----------------------------------------------------
sifted out of rec.humor by Curtis R. McKelvey
**************************
From: jm0i@ns1.cc.lehigh.edu (JOSEPH ALOYSIUS MCVEIGH)
"A survey by the Milken Institute for Job and Capital Formation, founded by
now-jailed Michael Milken who earned $550 million in 1987, concludes that
high executive pay is the main cause of U.S. job losses."
[After all, Michael Milken lost *his* job because of extra income.]
**************************
* The stock market always does what it has to do to make the most people *
* feel the most pain. - Martin Zweig *
----------------------------------------------------
sifted out of rec.humor by Brian Gordon
--------------------------
From: dan@resonex.com (Dan Kell)
Sign at city limits of Cabool, MO.
Cabool: Home of 1869 happy people and 1 old sore head.
--------------------------
From: darmstro@acs.ucalgary.ca (Debby Armstrong)
1. Combatting Stupidity.
2. You Can Do Housework Too.
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray.
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks").
8. Parenting - No, It Does Not End With Conception.
9. Get a Life - Learn to Cook.
13. You - The Weaker Sex.
14. Reasons to Give Flowers.
17. Garbage - Getting It To the Curb.
21. The Weekend and Sports are Not Synonymous.
24. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency.
25. Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex.
26. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes.
27. Mothers-In-Law - They are People Too.
28. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children.
30. Male Bonding - Leave Your Friends at Home.
--------------------------
From: 880126b@dragon.acadiau.ca (Chris Butler)
Subject: Re: Mandatory Courses For Men
Ah, but to be complete, you must include the other side of the story:
(I didn't write these, but I'd like to thank the person who did...)
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
1. Combatting the Impulse to Nag
2. You Can Change the Oil Too
21. Payday and Shopping Are Not Synonymous
22. How to Go Fishing With Your Mate and Not Catch Pneumonia
31. The Attainable Goal - Catching a Ball Before It Stops Moving
--------------------------
From: kdq@quest.UUCP (Kevin D. Quitt)
Subject: Re: stupid criminal tricks
In Orange County today, a bank robber was captured moments after
leaving the bank when an officer who had just received a description of
the man spotted him waiting for a bus. The officer went up to the man
and asked him if he was the guy who had just robbed the bank; the man
answered "Yes, but I don't want to talk about it". A police spokesman
admitted that if the bus hadn't been three minutes late, the guy would
probably have gotten away. (From today's LA TIMES)
--------------------------
From: cmj@acsu.buffalo.edu (christophe m johnson)
Subject: Re: Sometimes fact is funnier than fiction!
Well, here is another incidence of fact being funnier than fiction. We all are
supposed to believe that the secret service is extremely efficient, and that
they protect the life of the president etc. extremely well, right? Well look
at this article:
SEATTLE (UPI) -- Democratic presidential nominee Gov. Bill Clinton's
departure from downtown Seattle was held up Thursday when U.S. Secret
Service agents locked the keys inside the lead car of his motorcade.
Agents and Seattle Police officers tried to get into the vehicle but
their efforts proved fruitless. After about 10 minutes, a parking
attendant for the Westin Hotel slipped a ``slim jim'' into the door and
opened the car in seconds.
Clinton was in Seattle to give a campaign speech. After the brief
holdup, he continued on to Eugene, Ore., and California.
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff collected by:
watts@lams.msd.lmsc.lockheed.com (Robyn M Watts)
--------------------------
From record@force.decnet.lockheed.com
Anyone who uses electronic mail can appreciate this. A couple of
guys on InterNet have collected examples of malapropism (humorous
misspelling of words). These are phrases that are heard often in
conversation, but when they appear in print, they take on a whole
new meaning. Here are some examples:
for all intensive purposes
since time in memorial
it's a doggy-dog world
a set of chester drawers
an old wise tale
a sieze-fire
an escape goat
too one-track mined
a new, clear war
under-line meaning
a mute point
low and behold
don't take a fence
has a stigmatism
just my too cents worth
all for not
statue of limitations
a partial of land
a social conscious
willfully inadequate
I'm uphauled
increases expidentially
a sledge and reindeer
supposably
Just as soon as this list was posted, someone on the network wrote this:
I'm uphauled! This display of ignorance is just the kind of thing
that anyone with a social conscious is ashamed of. Education today is
clearly willfully inadequate, and has been since time in memorial.
People are always ready to blame things on an escape goat, but for
all intensive purposes, it's a doggy-dog world. Complaints about the
school system are all for not. And the problem seems to be increasing
expidentially.
These are the sort of people that could start a new, clear war, and
you can just forget about a seize-fire then. Some may say that the
decline of education is just an old wise tale, but they're too
one-track mined.
If you don't believe me, look at the warning on an AutoShade someday.
It says that the shade must be removed before driving the car. Supposably
people can't figure this out for themselves. Maybe the warning is just
for those with a stigmatism. Or maybe it's to protect the manufacturer
from the statue of limitations.
The under-line meaning of all this is clear, but don't take a fence;
this is just my too cents worth. Anyway it's a mute point.
----------------------------------------------------
From: alt.best.of.internet
--------------------------
From: ssc@nwu.edu (Steven Chung)
Subject: Re: Republican campaign ad suggestion
Sender: usenet@news.acns.nwu.edu (Usenet on news.acns)
]From alt.politics.*--why can't real commercials be this funny?
(Well, the tank ad was close.)
In article [1992Oct13.180409.26369@eagle.lerc.nasa.gov] mulac@daystrom.lerc.nasa.gov (Richard Mulac) writes:
# Here's my idea for a winning campaign ad for Bush (assuming
# Schwarzenegger goes along). Republicans may feel free to use this if they
# wish. {:^)
#
#
#
#
# DUM DUM DUM DUM ... duh duh ... DUM DUM DUM DUM ... duh duh ...
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
# TERMINATOR 3 : ELECTION DAY
#
#
#
#
#
#
#
# Los Angeles, California
# Monday, November 2, 1992
#
# Sarah Conner sits in her apartment watching TV. Suddenly, a T800 cyborg
# (Arnold) smashes through the door.
#
# Sarah: "Why are you here! I thought we saved the future when you destroyed
# the T1000 terminator?"
#
# Arnold: "Ve took car of zat problemo. Der is anuder tret on de horizen!"
#
# Sarah: "Not again! What is it this time?"
#
# Arnold: "Tomorrow de humans in der ignorance vill elect Bill Klinton as da
# President of de United States. He vill bring dem double digit inflation,
# double digit unemployment, and double digit interest rates. De US economy
# vill be devestated. Foolish humans! Did you not learn anyding vrom de
# Carter years? History repeats itself."
#
# Sarah: "Isn't there anything we can do?"
#
# Arnold: "Dat ist why I have been zent back through time vrom de year 1995.
# I hab brought proof ov de economic turmoil to come in hopes dat ve can
# change da future. Ve must hurry and get dis information to de public
# bevore the election tomorrow!"
#
# Cut to sequence of quick clips from Monday night's newscasts.
#
# Final shot of Sarah in election booth on Tuesday casting her vote for Bush.
#
# Sarah: "Hasta La Vista, Bill!"
#
# THE END?
#
--------------------------
From: mkelly@bronte.helios.nd.edu (michael kelly)
Ross Perot is a Ferengi?!
In an effort to bring this group back in line...
Article: 10753 of rec.arts.startrek.misc
From: tjw@vms.cis.pitt.edu (TJ Wood)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.misc
Subject: Re: Perot a Ferengi?
lbrother@zia.aoc.nrao.edu (Larry Brothers) writes:
] Think about it:
] 1) He has big ears.
] 2) He is short.
] 3) He is a 'businessman'.
] Yes, folks, it's true: Ross Perot is a Ferengi!
No, no, my boy! Ya got that Backwards. All Frerengi are decended from
ROSS PEROT! Ya, see Ross left Earth in 2006 on one of the Pioneer space
probes. It passed through a worm hole and he found himself on a planet
with women who looked just like him. He converted them to his style of
economics and the rest, as they say is history!
] Maybe this will teach those little weasels a lesson.
Naaa. I understand that Bill Clinton thinks that LOST IN SPACE was better
than Star Trek.
Terry
+ Mike Kelly, Notre Dame Department of Physics +
----------------------------------------------------
From: mushroom@netcom.com (Robert Mudry)
Newsgroups: ba.market.computers
Subject: Xerox 860 IPS's for sale..
Hi.. a friend of mine is trying to unload a couple of Xerox 860 IPS's..
Both have monitors and dual 8" drives. A printer is also included.
These puppies were built like TANKS and still work really well.. as a
matter of a fact, in case of nuclear war, this is what the cockroaches
will be using to compute on, I'm sure..
There are also about 100 eight inch disks, with the OS, etc..
$300.00 OBO for the lot..
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