Date: 12 Oct 92 17:24:31 PDT (Monday) Subject: Life 8.R ---------------------------------------------------- The following are selections from Brad's one liner file: From Brad: "Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file. When processing submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file. I haven't posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old." ************************** Subject: Auto repair scandals From: stevo@elroy.jpl.nasa.gov (Steve Groom) A short letter to the editor published in the Saturday, June 20 1992 edition of the Los Angeles Times: I didn't get burned on my last auto repair bill. I got Seared. ************************** From: CORSON.BERTON@west-la.va.gov Submitted by: Berton Corson 5280397@mcimail.com Diner: Waiter! There's a footprint in my breakfast. Waiter: Well, I don't see what the problem is. You ordered an omelet and told me to step on it! ************************** Subject: Perot Pullout From: IRVINMJ@wsuvm1.csc.wsu.edu (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437) Subject: Perot Pullout Source: Overheard at a Rotary Club meeting. Now that Perot has withdrawn from the presidential race, he's being called The Yellow Ross of Texas. ************************** From: ag3l+@andrew.cmu.edu (Arun K. Gupta) Subject: Regarding meetings... `Committee' was the spelling decided upon by the first komiti. ************************** From: sinteur@ooc.uva.nl (John Sinteur) Subject: USSR This is third or fourth hand, so I cannot tell you the source. It appears some British newspaper ran a contest to come up with a new name for the USSR. One of the better entries was UFFR: Union of Fewer and Fewer Republics. ************************** Subject: Post holiday diet joke From: kiisaka@csi.uottawa.ca (Ken Iisaka) My friend, Duncan Bailey said: People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. ************************** From: kmoore@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Kyle E Moore) Subject: New Ahnuld Movie This IS an original, by the bye... Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger's next movie is going to be about the lives of the world's great composers. The movie has Steven Seagal set to play Beethoven, Jean-Claude Van Damme will be Mozart, and when Arnie got wind of the project, he said... "I'll be Bach" ************************** From: whos@ddsw1.mcs.com (Ben Feen) Subject: Grapes of Wrath Russian Style During a hard period in Soviet history, the government showed _The_Grapes_Of_ _Wrath_ to the citizens, in an effort to show how much worse the United States was. All the citizens saw was that even the poorest Americans owned cars. ************************** From: PJB4288@ritvax.isc.rit.edu (HELLION WHEELS) Subject: A Star Trek joke What do you get when you cross a Klingon with a politician? Someone in Washington who might actually get something done! ************************** From: catbyte.b11.ingr.com!medin@watmath (Dave Medin) Subject: One liners The recent post brought this to mind, from the backstage men's room at the Seattle Opera House: Q: How tall is a union stagehand A: Don't know. I've never seen one standing up... ************************** From: neidorff@makore.uicc.com (Bob Neidorff) Subject: New Light Bulb Joke? I don't know if this is new, but I think it is. How many home owners does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weekends and four trips to the hardware store. ************************** From: A.Raman@massey.ac.nz (Anand) Subject: A complete story My sister told me this one a long time ago. In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a short story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery. One student allegedly handed in the following story: "My god!" cried the duchess. "I'm pregnant. Who did it?" ************************** From: smith@ctron.com (Larry Smith) Subject: And the winnah is... This is from WGIR this morning - a unidentified caller mentioned he had taken his own "unofficial" poll this morning by counting those election signs people set up in their yards at primary time. He figures the winner will be "For Sale". ************************** Subject: Disaster Areas From: hagerman@rx7.ece.cmu.edu (John Hagerman) I wonder, are the San Francisco Giants moving to Florida to avoid the danger of earthquakes? ************************** From: eliot@dg-rtp.dg.com (Topher Eliot) Subject: optimism A headline in on a magazine at the supermarket read How to become an optimist in two weeks It was only after a moment that I realized that in response, I had muttered "I don't know. That sounds pretty optimistic to me." ************************** From: jmurphy@DaVinci.soe.uoguelph.ca (Jim Murphy) Subject: office one-liner, definition of stress Some office one-liners from various anonymous sources collected over the past 5 years or so: If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. People with narrow mind usually have broad tongues. While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. I like your approach, now let's see your departure. ************************** From: billd@infmx.UUCP (William Daul) Subject: Ultimate RISC Machine To Be Announced I will be building the ultimate RISC machine. I have reduced the instruction set to only two instructions: ON OFF ************************** From: bpaley@shearson.com (Brad Paley) Subject: occult, black humor (original) I've started an apocrophal story about the validity of palm reading: A friend of a friend was horrified to find out, at the age of twenty-five, that his life line was extremely short. When he tried to lengthen it (with his trusty Victorinox) he bled to death. ************************** Subject: Michaelangelo virus (smirk) From: rlb7h@rlbsun.ee.virginia.edu (Robert L. Blackburn) Heard on NPR's Morning Edition on Friday, March 6, concerning the Michaelangelo computer virus: Michaelangelo .... the rogue program, which conforms to the IBM standard, ... IBM has a standard for viruses? ************************** From: pvsury@drl.mobil.com (P. V. R. Suryanarayana) Subject: Joke "In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies. In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too. But they die happy" (Source: Barry Farber, quoted in the Journal of Petroleum Technology) -Suri ---------------------------------------------------- More stuff from rec.humor.funny: ************************** From: ingram@u.washington.edu (Doug Ingram) Heard this during a Seattle Mariners broadcast: Dave Niehaus: Texas Ranger catcher John Russell...he's got a degree in Mathematics from the University of Oklahoma. Kevin Cremins: That means he can figure out average yards per carry. ************************** From: frank@rover.bsd.uchicago.edu (FRANK BORGER) Excerpts from the Federal Register as originally presented in the American Association of Physicists in Medicine Newsletter. 17 January 1992, Bureaucratic Grasp of the Situation Profound Statement #1 The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, in a Federal Register notice denying a petition, stated "Detachment of any of the four wheels adversely affects vehicle stability..." 17 January 1992, Bureaucratic Grasp of the Situation Profound Statement #2 A National Transportation Safety Board official, investigating a lost engine incident involving a Boeing 737, which is designed to safely shed a mal- functioning engine, stated "But we do know that this engine was not designed to fall off under normal circumstances." ************************** From: bscott@isis.cs.du.edu (Ben Scott) This just in - FCC official Craig Shergold has announced new regulations to add a fee to phone lines used for telecommunication, including bulletin boards and public network services. Critics say he is still bitter from a childhood experience during which he was buried underneath several tons of get-well cards, largely due to the well-meaning efforts of computer users all over the world, and this has sparked his current crackdown. Everyone reading this message would be affected by a tax on modem lines! It's vital that we make ourselves heard, and stop this FCC ruling. Please, forward this message to as many bulletin boards and services as you can, and encourage everyone you know to sign petitions against this plan. Send them to Mr. Shergold at the FCC in Washington, DC. (United Wire Services, July 2002) ************************** From: hampton@ais.org (Kevin Podsiadlik) Have you heard about the latest dance? It's a very simple step called the Hokey Perot-key. It goes like this: You toss your hat in You pull your hat out You toss your hat in And you waffle all about ************************** From: WEHR%EEDVAX.decnet@srlvx1.srl.ford.com (EEDVAX::WEHR) My family and I live in Romeo, a small village about 30 miles north of Detroit. My wife would rather me describe its location to new acquaintances without mentioning Detroit, however. Not that she doesn't like the city; it's just that it's reputation has been responsible for some strange looks. Anyway, during a recent camping trip, we were experiencing the usual difficulties in getting our campfire going. Suddeny, my wife popped up with, "See? Sure proof we're not from Detroit: we don't know *how* to start a fire!" ************************** From: ark@research.att.com Q: What do you call the day after two days of rain in New Jersey? A: Monday. [for the rest of the world: weekend rain in New Jersey has been so reliable this summer that it is starting to make the national news; people who own businesses at places like Atlantic City are furious] ************************** From: stewart@dao.nrc.ca (Robyn Stewart--Library) We three females took a few of the guys along shopping a couple weeks ago. After an afternoon of watching women discuss imperceptible (to them) differences in colour, and waiting outside fitting rooms, the guys came up with this: "I think I'll write the 'women-in-a-mall' search program sometime." "How does that work?" "It first does a linear search through the entire set, then, unsatisfied with a negative result, it goes back and checks random items to see if it missed something." ************************** From: jcarlin@pnet51.orb.mn.org (Joe Carlin) While picking up some financial aid forms at one of the Universities here in the Twin Cities, I came across a pamphet discussing different loan programs, which also included advertisements for different banks in the area. One of the much more humorous ones was one for Twin City Federal, which was titled "Get a Degree without the Third Degree", followed by a bogus student loan application which looks something like this: 1st HUMONGOUS BANK Student Loan Application Name (if any) ______________________________________ Middle Last First Address ____________________________________________ Last 34 address ____________________________________ Sex: __ Male __ Female __ Not Sure Are you an illegal alien? __ Ja __ Si __ Oui __ Da Annual income $ _____________________________________________________________ (if over $3,000, where did you get the nerve to beg us for a loan?) Astrological sign _____________________ (Stop here if you're a Leo or Taurus) Grandmother's maiden name ________ Her World War II service record? _________ Last book you read: __ The Joy of Saxaphone __ Mad __ Manhattan telephone directory Your favorite number from 17 to 39: _______ (this will be the interest on your loan, if you're lucky enough to get one from us) Are you now on the FBI's "Ten Most Wanted" list? __ Yes __ No In 7,000 words or more, discuss the International Monetary Fund and its ramifications related to the Chicago White Sox infield and Victorian matters ___________________________________________________________________ (use back side, if needed) If you miss a payment on your loan, what is your preferred method of torture? __ The Rack __ Iron Maiden __ A night with Lawrence Welk * Do you like to fill our forms? (We have more when you complete this one) __ Yes __ Goodbye Do you secretly like your father's Oldsmobile? __ Yes __ Maybe a little Do you sleep in __ Pajamas? __ Underwear? __ Nude? State your college major. (Must be one of these to qualify for student loan) __ Swine diseases __ Harpsichord tuning __ History of chewing gum Do you still believe in __ Santa Claus? __ Easter Bunny? __ Professional wrestling? Are you willing to be polygraphed, scrutinized, notarized, and steroid tested to obtain a loan from us? __ Absolutely __ Positively __ You betcha __ Of course __ Certainly __ Sure __ No problem If all of the above is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, sign here in the presence of 12 witnesses (preferrably Supreme Court Justices and Nobel Prize winners) ________________________________________________ _________________________ Signature Date -------------------------------- * Quite horrible, considering he's dead ************************** From: Mateo.Burtch@eng.sun.com (M. Burtch--Specialist in Courier Font) Subject: And In The U.S., They're Forced To Buy Retail I hadn't thought to send this in, but it's getting wide distribution anyway, so somebody must like it. Either that, or technical writers just don't get out enough. Original. Mateo Burtch (elvis@sun.com) Sun Microsystems ------------ The Society for Technical Communication (STC) released its annual Report on the Status of Technical Writers today. This report, issued by the STC's Writers' Committee on Technical Scribes, monitors the civil and human rights of technical writers throughout the world and documents abuses against them. It also includes a handy quick-reference guide to basic Fortran compiler options. Overall, the report noted that the situation for technical writers the world over is "precarious, and, in many cases, is worsening rapidly. In particular, writers in the Third World routinely live in poverty and squalor." (The report noted that this may apply to other people in the Third World as well.) The report concludes: To the twin I-beams of Democracy and Freedom one may add those of Technical Accuracy and Good Visual Layout. But these too are threatened by mankind's age-old nemeses: Bigotry . . . Hatred . . . Right Justification. If the human race is not only to survive, but to prosper in the heart and in the mind and in the soul, technical writers must practice their ageless craft unencumbered by fear, privation, or schedules. Some of the highlights of the Committee's report include: o Worldwide deaths involving courier font have increased 9% over the past two years. o Canada recently passed legislation making the passive voice the national language. o In China's remote Dimsum province, oxen are used in place of technical writers, with no apparent loss of readability. o In North Korea, police departments no longer use electric cattle prods to torture dissidents, replacing them instead with extremely slow and finicky daisy wheel printers. o The Frame Technology Corporation now touts its product as "disposable." o Torture of technical writers by roving gangs of hooligans known as "editors" is rampant in Northern Ireland, where sectarian violence between different spellers of "filesystem" runs out of control. One particularly gruesome form of punishment is "chopping": holding a writer down and then cutting the dangly thing off his cedilla. o A similar practice is "stet-ing," the continual removal and replacement of chunks of text, leaving the writer dazed and confused. (Or more dazed and confused, to be exact.) o A worldwide shortage of #2 pencils has left many technical writers in poorer countries unable to take notes or doodle during meetings--forcing them to pay attention or end the meeting by flinging live poisonous insects at the other attendees. o The Baath Socialist party of Syria has introduced the use of cuneiform stone tablets, which jam PostScript printers. What can you do? Lots. Send a letter to the head of government of one of the cited countries; include a diagram with mixed fonts and at least one incorrect cross-reference. Show them you mean business. Or write to the UN High Commissioner on the Status of Technical Writers, stating that you are categorically opposed to the use of mustard gas during staff meetings and that you're still having problems figuring out which way the darn CD is supposed to go in. Or you can have a fundraising party, inviting all your technical writer friends and promising them that if they give a donation to Save the Tech Writers you'll cancel the performance art you had scheduled for the evening. A copy of the report is available from the Copy Center and from your local samadzat. --Mateo Burtch (c) 1992 Mateo Burtch Yes, you can forward this; just keep my name attached to it or I'll publicly link you with Ron Reagan.
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