Date: 10 Sep 92 11:26:25 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life 8.M
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From Jose's sifting of rec.humor:
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Johnny Carson:
He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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From: igokhale@bonnie.ics.uci.edu (Ishaan M. Gokhale)
Subject: Taxes
I realize I'm a couple of days late for a posting of this nature, but,
better late than never. I got these quotes from Sam Levenson's book,
"You Don't Have to Be in `Who's Who' to Know What's What". Enjoy:
"It is true that nothing is certain except death and taxes. Sometimes
I wish they came in that order."
"What we should have fought for was representation without taxation."
"No wonder newborn babies cry. They've got nothing to eat, no clothes, and
already owe the government about $2000."
"The government really doesn't care about how you get the money so long as you
report it honestly."
"It takes more brains to make out the income tax return that it takes to make
the income."
"If you owe $50, you're a piker;
If you owe $50,000 you're a businessman;
If you owe $50,000,000 you're a tycoon;
If you owe $50,000,000,000 you're the government."
"Every new administration promises to eliminate financial wastefulness,
no matter how much it costs."
**************************
I just saw Helen Keller's dog crossing the road last night! There was just a
little traffic (3-4 cars each direction in my vicinity), and this dog ran
across the road. It managed to get through the two or three cars on my side,
and there were but two oncoming cars. The first passed the dog, and I could
see Rover speed up trying to get by in front of the second. But our
canine friend wasn't quite fast enough to make it, and the car got there
slightly before he did. So he just plowed into the side of the car.
Naturally, since the car was going 40-45 mph, this imparted a nonzero
angular momentum to Rover. He spun around about five times, fell down, got
up and ran into the adjoining field, and just stood there for a few
seconds. Then he shook his head a few times, looked around for the good-for-
nothing who had sucker-punched him, and trotted off, apparently unconcerned.
Man, if Rover had been just a few steps faster, the car would have
broadsided him, and then there's have been an entirely different story to
tell.
----------------------------------------------------
Siftings by Alan Nicoll
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When storm door/newspaper/feed the hungry/etc solicitors call,
my friend listens to their entire spiel (sometimes they'll go
on for close to 5 minutes before they wind down if you don't
interrupt them). Then, he says "Oh, I'm sorry. I think I missed
something, could you repeat that?" THEY hang up on HIM.
**************************
One of the people I work with has a phone number that is 1 digit
off of a local pizza home-delivery number. He has gotten real tired
of the late-night pizza calls. I suggested he try the following:
Ted: Hello.
Caller: Yes, I'd like to order a pizza.
Ted: (With price list in hand, proceed to take the order and
tell the correct price.)
Then, call Pizza Doodle and repeat the correct order and give the
correct price and wait 10 minutes. Then, call back the customer:
Ted: Hello, did you just order a pizza.
Caller: Yes.
Ted: We just got a call from the police department about the driver
we sent with your pizza. I want to stress that he is not dangerous
under normal circumstances. Would you please just delay him until
the police arrive? Thanks (click).
**************************
How Long Have You Been Teaching?
1. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you
in a checkout line?
2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of
the table?
3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter
a theater with a group of friends?
4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
5. Do you refer to "snack time" as "happy hour"?
6. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and
mittens as they leave your home?
7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who
repairs your car?
8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic
who fails to repair your car?
9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a
number in the phone book?
10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand
him/her the money at a tollbooth?
12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to
share with the group?
If you answered yes to more than two of the above items, you are
hooked on teaching.
If you answered yes to more than half of them, you're probably
beginning to think about retirement.
If you answered yes to more than ten, you'll always be a teacher,
retired or not!
**************************
Actually, Radio Shack never sells their mailing list, not even to the
other subsidiaries (McDuff, et al.) It is the largest
private mailing list in the country (maybe even the Uniworse.)
One of the big cheeses once told me they had turned down an offer for
over $30 Mil. Why help the competition?
ObAnecdote: Once, back in my Shack days as a manager I got to my store
a bit after scheduled opening time to find a small gathering
of potential customers buzzing around the door. Seems I
might have had a little too much fun the night before and
wasn't feeling very jovial. I could here the grumbling as
I approached. My tie was still in my hand so I quickly
stuck it in my back pocket. I walked up to the door as
some old bag was laying it on about her opinion of me,
the company, and anything else she could free associate
with us. As I said, I was in no mood so I walk up and say:
"You mean this jerk is late again? He never opens on time.
I'm going to the store on Kempwood (about a mile and a half
away, you wouldn't believe the Shack density in Houston)
and never shopping here again." With this I turned and
headed for my car, hoping I hadn't been recognized. The
other folks agreed with me and left as well, the old lady
bitching steadily. As soon as they were all gone I went
on in and called my friend at the other store and warned
him of the eminent assault. We got quite a kick out of
the whole deal when he told me how the lady ranted about
the delinquent manager, but praised the nice young man
who had suggested the other store!
It's funny how people seem to forget that those who work in service
oriented fields are just normal folk too.
**************************
It's funny how people seem to forget that those who work in service
oriented fields are just normal folk too.
Plane of the future questionare:
Q: Would you like smoking or non-smoking?
A: Smoking
Q: Would you like children or no children seats?
A: No children
Q: Would you like regular or extra wide seats?
A: Extra-wide
Q: Would you like regular or extra wide spacing?
A: Extra-wide
Q: Would you like aisle, window or center seats?
A: Aisle
Q: Would you like to bring on extra-big carry-on luggage?
A: Yes
Reservationist: That will come to a total of $zzzzz.zz ; here is your bill:
Bill:
$ yyy.yy Basic Fare
* x.xx smoking
* x.xx no children seats
* x.xx extra wide seats
* x.xx extra wide spacing
* x.xx aisle seats
* x.xx extra-big carry-on luggage
-------
$ zzzz.zz Total
Customer: Why should I have to pay that much?
I absolutely have to have these to be comfortable to fly
R: That is our policy Sir/Madam, everybody wants extras but no one
is willing to pay for it.
C: I want to change my choices.
R: Fine Sir/Madam, that will be xxx.xx extra dollars to change please!
C: Never mind I will pay it.
R: Fine.
I am sorry Sir/Madam, that class of seat has been booked; there is
only one such seat per plane of that class.
Thank you for NOT flying with us.
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff Jim Davidson sifted out of rec.humor:
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"The things that come
To those who wait,
Are the things left
Behind by those who
got there first"
-Steven Tyler
(Aerosmith)
**************************
PROFESSORS I HAVE KNOWN
-----------------------
(You know who you are.)
1. The Heisenberg
Has four offices. If you try to
find her in any one office, she will
be in a different one (p=1).
2. The Vampire
Guaranteed to be in the office
between 1 am and 4am.
3. The Schizo
Visit this one in the morning and
it's sweetness and light. Visit
in the afternoon and you'd better
wear leather britches.
4. The Pack Rat
Has documents left over from the
previous tenant. The professor may
or may not be in--look under the
piles of unread journals and theses.
5. The Consultant
Consults for IBM, drives a gold 600SEL
Mercedes, and sometimes stops by
to teach a class.
6. The Delegator
Has a super-efficient secretary who
prepares the class notes, authors
publications, finds funding, and
knows more about quantum physics
than the professor.
7. The Relic
Looks like a walking corpse. While
lecturing, experiences 30 second pauses
caused by the occasional microstroke.
8. The Robot
Reads the lecture from a stack of yellowed
ancient transparencies. Don't ask this
one a question--any diversion from the
norm causes utter confusion and mayhem.
9. The Foreigner
This is a Chinese grad student who has
total mastery of thermodynamics--in
Chinese.
10. The Comedian
This one is utterly hilarious and
keeps the class in stitches--loads of
fun, but you tend to forget what
subject is being taught--until the
8-page, comprehensive final exam.
11. The Prima Donna
Is the only person in the world who
understands toenail bacterial growth
in the lemur of Madagascar (and the
only person who wants to). Enjoys
humiliating the occasional student
dumb enough to ask a question.
12. The Atavist
Never left the sixties. Tends to dress
in tie-dyed shirts, dirty jeans, and
sandals (even in winter). Usually teaches
sociology and talks like there are a
few synapses misfiring.
13. The Casanova
A male professor who considers the
classroom to be a personal harem.
Tends to look like a greasy lounge
lizard and gives new meaning to "grading
on curves".
14. The Delilah
Female counterpart to the "Casanova."
Delights in wearing seductive clothing
and Eau-de-Bordello perfume to drive
the freshmen boys out of their minds.
Pretends to be unattached, but has a
boyfriend who looks like ArnoldSchwartzenegger.
15. The Jerry Lewis
Reminds you of the "Nutty Professor".
When he remembers where and when his
class is taught, he arrives in a
smudged and smoking lab coat and smelling
of sulfur. Believes in experimenting
but not in the scientific method.
16. The Kook
Is researching the effect of brainwaves
on the motion of electrons. Has heard
every possible objection from saner
colleagues and so has an answer for
everything. Sounds every bit as plausible
as the guy who thinks he's Napoleon.
17. The Vacuum Tube
Has a pet theory that depends on circa 1940
technology. Tries to cloak the theory in
modern terms so there's some possibility
you'll buy it.
**************************
Subject: Dumb Men Jokes
Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
What is the difference between Government Bonds and men?
Government Bonds mature.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so that you can vacuum.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask
for directions.
**************************
Denis Beauregard posts the lame old joke about Canada coming from the Spanish "Aca-nada".
Nah, the way Canada got it's name was like this:
Sven and Toivo, two famous explorers, were out exploring, when they
suddenly realized that they were off the edge of their map... they
were in a completely unexplored area. They yelled and whooped it
up, poured a few beers over each others heads, and got totally
drunk celebrating. Finally, Sven said, "Hey, we gotta come up
with a name for this place, eh?". So they thought and though,
but they couldn't come up with anything good. Finally, they put
the letters A-Z on some stones, put them in Toivo's backpack,
and took turns drawing them. Sven drew the first stone:
"I got a C, eh!". Then Toivo drew a stone: "I got an N, eh!"
Then Sven drew another stone: "I got a D, eh!"
After that, they needed a name for the large area of land to the
south. Historians note that Sven and Toivo were so drunk at the
time, that all they could come up with was "Unexplored Southern Area"
(USA).
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Living on Earth is expensive,
V I N C E Y U but it includes a
free trip round the sun.
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Gary O'Connor (crgoc@uk extn:2245)
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
held to discuss it.
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GENUINE EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO THE COUNCIL
=================================================
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his
foot in the hole in his back passage.
Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife
tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, s will you please send someone to do something about it.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner
and need it straight away.
I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get
BBC2.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe
stuck in it and it was very uncomfortable for us.
When I applied for a rebate you said that you would have to take something off.
Now that you have taken it off, I have been told that you should have put some on. So will you please take off what you took off and put on what you should have put on when you took it off.
**************************
From: ilana@kiowa.scd.ucar.edu (Ilana Stern)
In article [DFBcoB5w164w@opus.mcds.com], speers@opus.mcds.com (Daniel E. Speers) writes:
] On my way back to New Jersey from Cape Cod, Mass. I saw this
] sign:
]
] I-95
] Westerly
]
] It was in R.I. on an on ramp. Like, if you go this way, you'd
] be going in a westerly direction. Thanks RI!
Actually, this sign was meant to confuse meteorologists. Although most
dictionaries and common usage use the word "westerly" to mean *towards*
the west, meteorological usage dictates that "westerly" means *from*
the west. The Wallace and Hobbs (not to be confused with Calvin and
Hobbes) introductory meteorology textbook adds the footnote, "The
student who wishes to avoid confusion is advised not to consult the
dictionary for meanings of westerly, easterly, and so forth."
The moral of the story is: never ask a meteorologist for directions.
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff Peter Yee sifted out of rec.humor
yee@atlas.arc.nasa.gov
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From: [WAUGH@SLACVM.SLAC.STANFORD.EDU]
Subject: Re: Stupid road signs (was: Stupid Instructions)
A personal favorite on 880 south in Hayward (California):
A Street
Downtown
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From: [JMH@SLACVM.SLAC.STANFORD.EDU]
Subject: Re: Stupid road signs (was: Stupid Instructions)
Years ago I was going to Big Bend park from Precedio, Texas. The highway
goes nowhere else for about 100 miles. about 30 or so miles out of town
was a sigh reading
"STEEP GRADE 75 MILES AHEAD"
"TRAILERS NOT RECOMMENDED"
It certainly was true!! However I thought it would have been better if
it had been posted where you turned onto the highway, not out there requiring
anyone with a trailer to waste many miles.
**************************
From: bchurch@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Robert Church)
Subject: Re: Stupid Instructions
As you approach the bridge from Pensacola to Gulf Breeze there is a sign
warning of a $25 fine for running out of gas on the bridge.
**************************
From: epiec@sun.pcl.ac.uk (Antonio Michael)
Subject: Re: Crooks
A man, one cold, dark night, was on his way home from the pub. He'd had a few
jars, but was not totally paralitic. On his journey, he realised that he was
late, and his wife was going to be very upset if he didn't return home soon.
So he decides to take a shortcut though the graveyard. As he is walking
through the pitch black graveyard, stumbling his way through, he hears a tap
tap tapping in the distance. Naturally, he begins to get scared. The more he
walked, the louder the noise became. Tap Tap Tap. He was now shaking in his
boots. TAP TAP TAP. Suddenly, he turns around and sees an old bearded man
holding a hammer and chisel, tapping away at a gravestone. Feeling slightly
relieved, yet angry, he turns to the man and shouts,
"You GIT! You nearly scared the life out of me, what the hell do you think
you're doing?!". The old man slowly turns his head around, stares him deep in
the eyes and says, "They - spelt - my - name - wrong..."
**************************
From: z_maraiajj@ccsvax.sfasu.edu
When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they're
trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.
**************************
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff Robert Coleman sifted out of rec.humor:
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Wasn't it in Sweden that someone robbed a bank and
got away with some $10'000 ?
I heard the police are still looking for the motive.
David asked Cohen if he'd give him his daughters hand.
-"Would you marry my daughter even if she was poor ?", her father asked.
-"Of cuorse I would", David hopefully replied.
-"Then I don't even want to discuss it. We don't
want any nutheads of your kind in our family."
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(Don't get me wrong, I'm a Democrat myself, but, as Dave Barry says, they have
the leadership skills of celery.)
Heard on VH-1's Stand-Up Spotlight tonight:
"If the Democrats had to form a firing squad, they'd get in a circle."
**************************
From: BACS Data Communications Group [commgrp@silver.ucs.indiana.edu]
An extremely irate nun storms out of a doctor's office without paying.
"What was that all about?" the nurse asks the dr.
"I told her she was pregnant."
"Really??"
"No, but it sure cured her hiccups!"
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