Date: 24 Aug 92 17:30:45 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.K
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The following are was sifted out of eunet.jokes:
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Sifted by: nickless@antares.mcs.anl
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From: nroworth@nl.oracle.com (Nick Roworth)
Subject: A New Newsgroup
A new newsgroup appeared the other day
soc.libraries.talk
shouldn't this be
soc.libraries.whisper ?
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Sifted by: Russell R. Lear
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Subject: Saddam, recession, Bush
From: zucker@uni2a.unige.ch
seen on a bumper sticker in La Jolla, Ca :
Saddam Hussein has got a job. Have you ?
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Sifted by: dani@netcom.com (Dani Zweig)
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From: f88-som@nada.kth.se (Sead Omerov)
Wasn't it in Sweden that someone robbed a bank and
got away with some $10'000 ?
I heard the police are still looking for the motive.
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From: f88-som@nada.kth.se (Sead Omerov)
In a bus during peak hours:
-"Excuse me, sir, do you work for FBI ?"
-"No, I don't."
-"Do you work for CIA ?"
-"No."
-"Do you know karate ?"
-"No, I don't."
-"You're standing on my foot !"
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Sifted by: yee@atlas.arc.nasa.gov
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From: sav@nanette.sni.de (Dr.Savory)
Subject: Re: Traveller's Tales (funny signs from around the world)
Seen in a german student hostel:
For safety reasons, it is forbidden to be drunk alone!
To encourage chastity if you have visitors after 10pm there
must be at all times at least three persons present at least two
of whom must be of the same sex!
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From: gertje@vub.UUCP (Gert Dewit)
In a bar:
"Sir, you forgot to pay"
"That's normal, I'm drinking to forget"
A professor at the uni:
"If the students in the back row would be so quiet as the ones in the middle
who are reading, then the ones in front would be able to sleep."
In a restaurant:
"Waiter",says a client,"this soup tastes like beer."
The waiter who takes a step backward answers :
"And now?"
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Sifted by: Mark T. Phillips
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From: f88-som@nada.kth.se (Sead Omerov)
Subject: Crooks
A car ran into a pick-pocketer, hit him and drove away. A witness said:
-"I looked at the license plate, but I couldn't see the number
because he was driving too fast."
The pick-pocketer, who had been carried to the pavement by
people passing by, groaned a little and said:
-"In my pocket...you'll find his wallet...you have the number there..."
They say you could read the following in a Romanian newspaper during
Caucaescu's era:
"The burglar broke into a warehouse by throwing a brick through
a shop-window. The police are now trying to find out where he
got that brick from."
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Sifted by: Sara L.R. Thompson
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From:P. Berlich (berlich@vxcern.cern.ch)
Captain Picard: To baldly go, where no man has gone before!
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From: epiec@sun.pcl.ac.uk (Antonio Michael)
"I wish there was a knob on my TV to turn up intelligence."
"There's one called brightness but it doesn't seem to work"
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Sifted by: SUE NG
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Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because its the scenter.
vidar.eidissen@stud.hsn.no | (W. Churchill/W.C. Fields)
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Sifted by: Ed Lopes
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From: bcockburn@acorn.co.uk (Bruce Cockburn)
Organization: Acorn Computers Ltd, Cambridge, England
One day a journalist, hard-up for a story, was sitting on an Australian beach.
As he gazed pensively out to sea, he saw a young woman thrashing about in the
water. Upon further observation, he saw a shark circling her. His adrenalin
pumping, he wondered what he could do to save her. Then a well built young
man, who was jogging along the beach, suddenly dashed into the sea, karate
chopped the shark, killing it, and helped the young woman swim to the beach.
The excited journalist, seeing a fantastic story, ran up to the young man and
said, "That was the most courageous thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm
going to let the world know about this. You'll be famous. I can see it now,
[Brave Bronzed Aussie Saves Girl From Killer Shark]!"
The young man turned to the journalist and said, "But I'm British."
The journalist replied, without losing enthusiasm, "Oh, that doesn't matter."
The next day, the headlines read, [British #$~%@!! Kills Girl's Pet].
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Sifted by: Richard W Rodway
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From: lahaye@reg.triumf.ca (GABIN, RAYMOND)
Subject: war joke
One day during WW2 Hitler and Goering are driving incognito through the
German countryside. Suddenly a pig crosses the road in front of the car, and
is killed in the collision.
Hitler: ' Go to the farmer , and tell him that we killed his pig. But don't
tell him that I am here.'
Goering: ' Jahwol, mein Furher!', and he goes.
An hour goes bye, and still Goering isn't back. Two hours, Three hours,
and still no sign of Goering. Finally, after four hours, a drunken Goering
returns to the car, his arms filled with bread, sausages and bottles of wine.
Hitler: ' But I told you not to tell him that I was here!'
Goering: ' I did not, mein Furher. All I said was " Heil Hitler, the pig, he is
dead!", and he gave me all these.'
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From: jjb@fermi.wustl.edu (James J. Beatty)
Subject: Bill Gates for Prez!
Since wealth seems to be a qualification for the Presidency this year,
why not draft Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates? He offers many advantages
over the current crop of candidates:
- Made his billions faster than Perot.
- Is richer than Perot.
- Is smarter than any of the candidates.
- Politically aligned with net.folks.
- Defines and supports standards. (and sells them!)
- Would convert DoD from Ada to Microsoft Basic.
We've missed the deadline for a few states, so there's no time to lose.
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.sig for comptec90012@camins.camosun.bc.ca
'I don't have time for an algorithm, I've gotta get this #$%!@&*@ code written!'
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From: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU
Subject: Programmers
Q: What language do all programmers know?
A: Profanity.
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Sifted by: Jim Davidson
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From: terjeve@ifi.uio.no (Terje Vernly)
There are a mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer in a room.
They are asked to prove or disprove the statement "all odd numbers are prime".
The mathematician says:
3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, so by induction, all odd numbers are prime.
The physicist says:
3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is experimental error, 11 is prime...
The engineer says:
3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime...
The lawyer says:
3 is prime, ... 5 is prime, ... 7 is prime, ...
Do we have more odd numbers ?
I recall that as
The lawyer says:
3 is prime, this sets a precedent. Therefore all odd numbers are prime.
However, there wasn't a lawyer in the room ...
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Q. What is written on the bottom of an Irish swimming pool?
A. No Smoking Please!
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lion@dat1hb.north.de (Daniel Tietze) writes:
There was a young woman --- tut, tut!
So you think that you're in for some smut?
Some five line crescendo
Of lewd innuendo?
Well you're wrong --- this is anything but!
... John Woods
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Sifted by: Philip A. Fleischmann
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From: Sead Omerov
-"A bottle of wine, please."
-"Red or white?"
-"It doesn't matter. It's for my uncle, and he's blind."
They were walking through a park when they saw two parrots in a tree - one red and one green.
One of them climbs up that tree and gets down with the red parrot in his hand.
-"And the green one?", the other one asked.
-"Nuthead, can't you see he isn't ripe yet?"
-"Does you hausband ever talk to himself when he's alone?", the doctor asked the Woman.
-"I don't know doc, I've never been together with him when he's alone."
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He- do you think women prefer conceited men to the other kind?
She- what other kind?
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From rec.humor.funny:
]The secretary general of the UN decided to have a report-writing contest for the various Western ambassadors. The subject was to be arbitrary, and the titles of the report should reflect something of the character of the representative nation.
]The Secretary General decided on the topic: elephants. A coupls of days later, he received the various reports. The titles were as follows:
]France: "Elephants -- a love story."
]England: "Elephants and their effect on the British Empire."
]USA: "How to build the biggest, bestest, fastest and most expensive elephant!"
]Canada: "Elephants: a federal or provincial matter?"
From: adam@concour.cs.concordia.ca (Adam Steele)
11 Feb 92
Concordia University, Montreal, Quebec
And (courtesy of my Nog SO):
Norway: "Norway and the Norwegians".
From: elgaard@diku.dk (Niels Elgaard Larsen)
11 Feb 92
Department of Computer Science, U of Copenhagen
Denmark: Elephant prepared in 1000 different ways
From: jkp@cs.HUT.FI (Jyrki Kuoppala)
12 Feb 92
Helsinki University of Technology, Finland
Finland: "The opinions about Finland and Finns among Elephants"
From: m91der@tdb.uu.se (Daniel Eriksson)
Dept. of Scientific Computing, Uppsala Univ.
Sweden: "Is an elephant deductible?"
(To understand that you need to know that Sweden has the highest tax-pressure in the world.)
--
From: adam@concour.cs.concordia.ca (Adam Steele)
Concordia University, Montreal, Quebec
Some more:
Germany: "The History of the Elephant in 13 Volumes."
Japan: "A Collapsible Elephant That Will Fold Up and Fit in the Boot of Your Toyota."
Former USSR: "The Role of the Elephant in the Greater Glory of the Socialist Worker."
--
From: garp@isy.liu.se (Johan Garpendahl)
Dept of EE, University of Linkoping
Swedens embassador called back home for advice and caused a major political debate between the prime minister and the leader of the opposition.
The opposition claimes that there where more elephants in Sweden when they where in power.
The prime minister and the minister of elephants claim that the current decrease in elephants was caused by the incompetence of the previous government, that is, the current opposition.
The opposition says that the parties in the government betrayed people when promised more elephants during the elections.
The government replies that the elephant situation caused by the previous government is much worse than they ever expected, so some of the things they promised during the elections will have to wait.
Etc etc. You've all heard this story before, haven't you?
--
From: kiss@disuns2.epfl.ch (Blaise Kiss)
13 Feb 92
Ecole Polytechnique Federale de Lausanne
Switerland : The possibilyties are the following, the people are asked to vote on which is best next sunday.
1) The price of elephants.
2) Proposal for transferring elephants by railroad through the alps
3) Where to invest your elephant
4) Study on the possibility of selling elephant milk to India
Former URSS : Improving family relationships beween Mother Elephants and her kids
Russia : Elephant meat distribution plan
Kowait : Using elephants for pumping oil and water
Italy : The elephant connection
South Africa : Classifying elephants
Yugoslavia : Whom do elephants belong to ?
Spain : Bulls and Elephants, no big deal (OLE!)
From: groot@idca.tds.philips.nl (Henk de Groot)
Disclaimer: This opinion is mine alone
Germany: "Der Ueber Elephant"
The Netherlands: "How to point at the bad Elephants of the world"
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