Date: 3 Aug 92 17:23:39 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.H
----------------------------------------------------
From Carl Sukkot's siftings of rec.humor:
**************************
From Microsoft
Everett, Washington:
A businessman complained during an Everett City Council
meeting about drug users employing telephones and pagers
to make connections in downtown areas.
Just after his comments, a city communications specialist's
pager sounded, to a chorus of laughter.
City photographer Louis Filger turned off his beeper and left
the room with an embarrassed expression.
joeha@microsoft.com
**************************
A bunch of mathmeticians were clustered around a flagpole, arguing about
how to determine the height. An engineer walked up, lifted the pole out
of its base, laid it down, measured it, and set it back in the base. As he
walked away, one mathemtician said "just like an engineer, we wanted the
height and he gave us the length!"
----------------------------------------------------
From: Christopher Neufeld [neufeld@helios.physics.utoronto.ca]
(from rec.aviation)
Single engine planes are really gliders. That prop up front is
just a fan to keep the pilot cool.
How do you know this is true? You should see him sweat when it
shuts off!!!
----------------------------------------------------
Stuff Christopher Neufeld [neufeld@helios.physics.utoronto.ca]
sifted out of rec.humor:
Subject: wrong numbers
Hi there--
Anyone out there have any amusing stories about wrong-number phone calls
they've gotten?
Allow me to start the ball rolling...
1. 8:00 am
]ring-ring[
Me: Hello?
Voice (sounded like an old lady, rather prim): Yes, hello, is this the First
Presbyterian Church?
Me: No, this is the Ninth Circle of Hell, praise Satan.
]click[
3. 6:45 am
]ring-ring[
Me: Hello?
Voice (young, bubbly female): Hi!!
(Pause. In the background I hear what sounds like airport noises.)
Me: Uh, hello?
Voice: Hi!!!!
(Pause.)
Me: Uh, hello?
Voice: Hi!!!!!!
(Pause.)
Me: Look, if it's not obvious by now that I have no idea who you are, who is
this?
Voice: It's your wife!!
(Pause. Various replies flash through my mind, such as "Oh, right...Mexico,
1972, right?" or "I thought I ditched you in Vancouver!" or "Tom, it's for
you.")
Me: Uh, last time I checked, neither I nor my roommate was married.
Voice: Brian, it's Debbie!!
Me: Debbie, it's not Brian!!
Voice: Is this [reads off my phone number correctly]?
Me: Well, yes it is, but...
Voice: Oh...
Me: Listen, are you sure your husband really wants to talk to you?
]click[
OK, it was mean, but it was also 6:45 am.
**************************
"If your President Roosevelt had an SS like our Fuhrer's, then there wouldn't
be any more gangsters," he said.
"Certainly not," answered the American, "then they all would be officers."
**************************
Answering machines:
And, my favorite,
"Hello, you're on the air."
**************************
]So, if I tie my serial communications cable into a knot, will that
]change the parity of the electrons?
Of course it won't change.
Recall that Yang and Lee got the Nobel Prize in '57 for showing that parity
in knot-conserved.
**************************
NICHAEL
nichael@bbn.com -- "The patriot must always be prepared to defend his
country from his government." -- Ed Abbey
**************************
evidence produced at the camden, new jersey, kidnapping trial of james a. h
howard, 39, in november revealed that he had done substantial library research
on the crime, calculating the average prison sentence to be seven years and
fixing at $500,000 the amount that would justify his risk in taking the
teenage son of an atlantic city businessman.
in december, the u.s. post office in san diego offered its seventh annual
christmas tour for $25 per person. the first 200 patrons who reserved
seats could watch their christmas mail being processed and eat a buffet
lunch.
during the ground war, captured iraqi soldiers said any of them caught by
superiors wearing a white t-shirt would be executed because the shirts
could so easily be used as surrender flags. some iraqi soldiers carried
bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
The following come from the owners manual of a friend's Kenwood
Portable Compact Disc Player.
"If recharge is repeated for the provided batteries, whereas the power of the
batteries is still remained, the batteries may not be recharged enough as
their property. In such a case, use up the power of them before conducting
recharging, which allows them for normal recharging."
"Should the liquid contained in the battery attach on your skin or clothes
due to breakage, etc. rinse it off with much running water."
"Rechargeable battery has a life."
**************************
And then there's the story of the American war movie shown with
sub-titles on French television. At one point, the American GI
looks over a hill and shouts, "Tanks!" The sub-title reads,
"Merci."
**************************
I read (in "Reader's Digest", I think -- this story is just too
precious to be from one of my more usual sources) the story of a
kid who'd cut open a golf ball, and who had *eaten* the liquid
centre. The stuff in this case was a thick, dark fluid, and the
child's mother naturally assumed that it was some petroleum product.
She frantically called the family doctor, and as she was rushing
to the doctor's office with the apparently poisoned kid, the GP
was rapidly flipping through the "Common Household Poisons" book.
No dice -- there was no mention of golf balls in it. The doc called
up a golf ball manufacturer and explained the situation; but they
said that their golf balls had a solid core.
"I wish I'd asked the name of the manufacturer!" the doctor lamented.
The ball manufacturer helpfully named their sole competitor that
made balls with liquid centres.
Another quick phone call, and the answer: the centre was made of
cod liver oil.
**************************
I picked this up from a campus computer's eternal Star Trek discussion.
It is posted with permission from the author. Enjoy!
Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign (music stolen from Paul Simon)
The problem is something 'bout your clothes, she said to me
The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, "I'm Security!"
And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, you'll get to see
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
He takes a landing party down to find what's going on
A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along
And then before you know it - the `expendables' are gone
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Fifty ways to kill an ensign
Just step on a rock, Jock
Get thorns from some plants, Lance
A Horta can spray, Ray
Just listen to me
Clouds drink up your blood, Bud
Computers can kill, Bill
You could lose all your salt, Walt
Kirk gets away free...
She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves
Not ev'ryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this curse
But then of course, you must recall - they sometimes suffer worse
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Just tell him, "I'm not stupid and I'm not expendable
I'm not going!" Tell him that he's a Denebian slime devil
And he's overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial
He'll find a new way to kill an ensign
Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign
[If you want to copy this elsewhere, go ahead, on condition that you leave
my name and this notice on it. I want the credit...
Joel Polowin -- aka Bunsen Honeydew]
**************************
The following advertisement appears in this week's TV listings:
* LIVE PHYSICISTS
SCIENTIFIC COUNSELING
* PARTICLE ACCELERATORS
* RELATIVITY
* FISSION
* LORENTZ CONTRACTIONS
24 HOURS
1-900-454-1454
& $2.39 PER MIN.
1-800-955-5580
All Credit Cards - Memberships
LEARN THE TRUTH ABOUT GRAVITY WAVES ****
**************************
]ObMildlyAmusingStory: A woman who works in my brother-in-law's office
]thought that when you send a fax, the paper gets rolled up into a
]little tube and is sent down the line. That's why when you receive
]it, it's always curled up.. Of course, you have to be sure there's
]no dust in the line....
There's a book called "When Old Technologies were New" about people's early
reactions to the telegraph, the telephone, etc. Writing down a message and
stuffing it into a telephone mouthpiece was a fairly common behavior.
So were requests like "Send this telegram, but don't open the sealed envelope
that it's in because it's a private message." And there were yokels whose
approach to the telephone was to walk up to it and yell, "Tell Martha I'll
be late" or something like that.
**************************
I just thought you all might get a chuckle from this...
---------- Forwarded message begins here ----------
My brother sent me some photos of the Bartlesville Area Science Fair and
the Oklahoma State Science Fair. Here are some highlights:
Does Hair Color Affect Blood Pressure? a project which refers to people
with blond or light brown hair as "light headed."
a project he saw at district which WENT ON TO STATE and has the
hypothesis, "The solar system is made up of nine planets, the sun,
several moons, and billions of stars." [billions of stars?!] Ben said
he thought the conclusion should have been, "All the planets except
Earth are made of styrofoam."
"The conclusion I reached was my turtle is strongly attracted to a blue
light but will not always go to a blue light."
"Before my plant accidentally died, first it growed down, then it
started growing up."
a project to see in which liquid a wind-up toy can move in most easily,
using water, vinegar, orange juice, and Mr. Clean
None of these, however, can top the project that was next to mine
when I went to the state sci fair: a guy from Wetumka, OK, who had
"proved" that humans can't create a superconductor. He tried to make
one by putting some ceramic bathroom tiles in his freezer, then smearing
various substances (mayonnaise, Desitin, etc.) on them and seeing if
they would hold an electrical charge.
---'Becca
**************************
Love Boat Enterprise
--------- ----------
Bald Captain Bald Captain
Black Bartender Black Bartender
Young Vicki is related to a Young Wesley is related to a crewmember
crewmember and works on the ship and works on the ship
Ship's doctor is a main character Ship's doctor is a main character
Julie the cruise director is sexy Troi the ship's councelor is sexy but
but annoying annoying
Actors stand in front of screen, Actors stand in front of screen,
upon which is projected background upon which is projected background
of open sea of open space
A dumping ground for second-rate A dumping ground for second-rate
washed-up guest stars washed-up guest stars
Going to strange new ports-of-call Going to strange new worlds
Cheesy opening song Cheesy opening song
Too many scenes of self-indulgent Too many scenes of self-indulgent
crap in the lounge crap in the holodeck
Socially retarded character with Socially retarded character with
job description for name (Gopher) job description for name (Data)
In late-night syndication In late-night syndication
Bad 2-hour pilot Bad 2-hour pilot
Love Boat has lifeboats and Enterprise has shuttlecrafts and
flotation devices detaching saucer section
Scenes linked by ship shots Scenes linked by ship shots
One character inexplicably replaced, One character inexplicably replaced,
then returned (Julie) then returned (Crusher)
After-the-fact bed scenes with After-the-fact bed scenes with
pointless discussion pointless discussion
Captain straightens uniform when Captain straightens uniform when
disgusted/angry/nervous disgusted/angry/nervous
Final scene takes place on loading Final scene takes place on transporter;
dock; crew waves goodbye crew waves goodbye
Aaron Spelling rules with iron fist, Gene Roddenberry rules with iron fist,
annoying die-hard fans annoying die-hard fans
At conventions, everyone is dressed At conventions, everyone is dressed
like Dr. Adam Bricker like Mr. Spock
Isaac the Bartender has useless Captain Picard has useless gesture,
gesture, pointing slightly forward pointing slightly forward
Intercrew friction always resolved Intercrew friction always resolved
within allotted 1 hour time slot within allotted 1 hour time slot
**************************
Another apocryphal tower conversation:
Tower: BA 288, please say altitude.
BA 288: Altitude.
T: Very funny, 288, please say altitude.
B: Altitude.
T: BA 288, please say "cancelling IFR".
B: Er, BA 288 at flight level three seven zero....
**************************
The Multics development group got a furious call from the General
Motors site once. Their $10M system had crasned on a Sunday morning,
and when the operator tried to bring the system back up, the following
emssage appeared on the console typewriter:
HODIE NATUS EST FRATER RADICI
and the system hung. They wre pretty annoyed at getting messages in
Latin. The message was coming from the ultra-sophisticated dump
program, which was trying to peek at the directory structure; it had
found that the root directory had a brother, which shouldn't happen.
The message was a debugging message that never came out in normal
operation. It came out this time because the CPU (a gigantic cabinet,
100 big boards) was busted. The message was in Lating becasue it was
written by the brilliant Bernie Greenberg, who put everything he knew
into his great hacks.
GM's CPU got fixed, and we apologized and promised that we'd taken the
message out and wouldn't do stuff like that again. But I think they
never felt the same way about their computer again.
What I learned: it's risky to try to be funny, especially around
computers.
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page