Date: 15 Jul 92 15:18:26 PDT (Wednesday)
Subject: Life 8.E
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A mind once stretched by a new idea never
regains its original dimension.
-Oliver Wendell Holmes
posted by: ala@fico.UUCP (Adryenn Ashley)
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Q: What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
A: Politicians and lawyers.
Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
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From: W. David Elliott
Another item from the book entitled: "Why Do Clocks Run Clockwise?
And Other Imponderables," by David Feldman: Are There More Brown M&Ms
Than Any Other Color, and How Do They Determine the Ratio of Colors?
M&M/Mars conducts research to answer precisely these types of questions.
Consumers have shown a consistent preference for brown M&Ms, so they
predominate. Few people realize (or care!) that the mix of colors in
plain M&Ms is different from the peanut version:
Color % in Plain M&Ms % in Peanut M&Ms
Brown 30 30
Yellow 20 20
Red 20 20
Orange 10 10
Green 10 20
Tan 10 0
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The following selections are from comp.sys.ibm.pc.games:
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willson@rrdtc.donnelley.com (Allen Willson)
I asked for everything so I could enjoy life.
Instead, He gave me life so I could enjoy everything.
-Unknown
**************************
From: bayliss@skat.usc.edu (T.Drew Bayliss)
The choice is very simple:
Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
**************************
From: acm@nauvax.ucc.nau.edu
Boom boom boom,,, Still going
VMS just keeps going and going and
going. Nothing outlasts VAX/VMS.
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From: ellens@ai.mit.edu (Ellen Spertus)
This executive was interviewing a nervous young women for a
position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her
personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with
someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The girl quickly
responded, "The living one."
This isn't quite as good, but I know it's true, because I did it: On
one of my first job application forms, in the blank next to "Salary
required", I wrote "yes". (I got the job.)
Ellen Spertus
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From rec.humor:
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From: berry@arcturus.amasd.anatcp.rockwell.com (Craig D. Berry)
Subject: Re: request for pilot jokes
I was catching a lift home from college in Claremont CA (east of L.A.) to
San Jose with a friend whose sister was a pilot for a courier company,
sneaking us back on her unloaded return leg. I had read a bit about
private plane piloting, so I asked her questions as we went along about
preflight checkout, takeoff patterns, and so forth. We climbed to about
4,000 feet and headed north over the mountains. Suddenly, another
question occurred to me.
"How do you navigate to San Jose?" I asked.
"I'm flying IFR", she replied.
This puzzled me, since I knew IFR meant instrument flight rules, for use
in low visibility or at night, and here it was a beautiful, cloudless
morning.
"IFR?" I repeated.
She pointed down at the 5 freeway, stretching out below us toward the
north.
"I Follow Roads", she explained.
**************************
From: johnf@Auspex.COM (John Fereira)
Subject: Re: Favor/A Blond Request
I understand that you are a new blonde and have probably heard your share
of blonde jokes. With this in mind I'd share the following story.
A blonde friend of mine was getting real tired of hearing blonde jokes. She
decided to do something about it. In order to prove that not all blondes
were stupid she spend a couple of days studying a United States map and
memorized the capitols for all of the states. The next time she was with
a group of people and someone started to tell a blonde joke. "Hey", she
said, "not all blondes are stupid and I can prove it. Give the name of
any state and I'll tell you it's capitol." "Vermont", someone called out.
"V", she replied with a smile.
**************************
from:daemon@ucbvax.BERKELEY.EDU
One Saturday afternoon, driving home from a hospital visit,
my friend Jim remembered that he hadn't purchased his weekly
lottery ticket. When he passed a corner market with a lottery
sign in the window, he stopped and went in.
Jim gave the clerk his numbers, and together they waited for
the computer to register them and print out his card. "Bet
I know what you'll do if you win tonight's drawing," the clerk
said. "You'll call your boss on Monday morning and tell him
to go to hell!"
"Oh, I don't think so," said Jim, handing the clerk his business
card, which read: The Reverend James Spencer.
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from: Dave Tharp @ davet@loowit.WR.TEK.COM
Harley rider is broken down by the side of the road. A BMW rider stops
to help.
"You need any help?"
"Yeah, have you got a wrench?"
"Sure, what size?"
"A big one. I want to use it for a hammer."
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from:news@leland.Stanford.EDU (Mr News)
A Scottish couple and an Englishman are waiting in line for a play called
"THE GREAT MIRACLE" on Broadway. After sometime, the turn comes to the
couple. The lady at the counter asks "Where would you like your seat, sir?".
The Scotsman, without hesitation, replies: "FRONT SEAT, please." He then
gives the ticketperson a banknote, gets the tickets, and when the lady
shouts to remind him: "Sir! You FORGOT to get your change back!",
he replies: "No problem, that is your TIP!", and leaves for the play with his
wife. Then it's the Englishman's turn; when the lady asks him where he'd like
to get a seat, the Englishman anwers: "No, thank you. I dont need a ticket
any more; I guess I've seen the SHOW!".
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From: mbrown@convex.com (Mark Brown)
used to work for a company that made blankets,
but it folded.
I used to work in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned.
They said I couldn't concentrate.
But I think they just wanted to squeeze me out.
This one guy said that joke was the pits
and that I ought to be beaten to a pulp.
But I thought it was appealing.
----------------------------------------------------
The following is a selection from a group in Xerox which was put on
redeployment back in 1991 down in El Segundo.
Some things seem to stay funny forever.
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LIST OF QUOTES TO PRACTICE BEFORE INTERVIEWING FOR A NEW JOB
1. I think A&E is a much nicer building than CP10.
2. Of course I always dress like this!
3. Printers!? - yeah, I saw one once.
4. Money is of no issue.
5. Yes! That job description is exactly what I was looking for.
6. No, I'm not worried about another re-org.
7. Doesn't PSD stand for Printing Something Dumb?
8. I make really good coffee!
9. I definitely prefer the openess of a cubicle.
10. Oh, I think it will be great working so close to the cafeteria!
11. I usually get in around 7:30 am.
12. I never take a lunch!
13. I always work on weekends.
14. I definitely would wash you car on the weekends!
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From: rubin@majorhavoc.apple.com (Owen Rubin)
This remndes me of a story that happened to me (feel free to pass it
on). I walked into a pizza place down the street from where I use to live
in Hayward. I was with a friend and we could not decide what kind of
pizza we wanted. We decided to get a half of one kind and half another.
"Give us a large vegetarian pizza, but put peperoni on half".
The guy behind the counter VERY straight faced and quite serious asked:
"Which half would you like the peperoni on?"
Without missing a beat, I said "The right half!"
He wrote "Peperoni on the right half" on the tag and handed it to the guy
who makes the pizzas. That guy smiled a bit and proceeded to make us our pizza.
About 20 minutes later they called my name. When I went to pick up the pizza
I noticed that it was sitting so that the peperoni was to my right but the
counter person's left. I could not resist. I said "Hey, I wanted the
peperoni on the right side not the left side!"
This taught me not to be such a smart ass in the future. The clerk, looking
worried, grabbed the pizza and tossed it into the trash saying "Damn, I'm
sorry, they must have made a mistake. We will make you another one right now!"
20 minutes later, I kept quite and eat the pizza! My friend and I did laugh
about it for quite some time. Especially when the clerk gave us each a
free beer an said he was sorry for the mistake and sorry we had to wait!!!!
*SIGH*
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From: deforest@sundae11.dab.ge.com
Subject: fifty ways to hose your code
Credit for this also belongs to Al Pena.
-- Miles
_________________________
Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code
----- ---- -- ---- ---- ----
Kind of by Paul Simon
The problem's all inside your code she said to me;
Recursion is easy if you take it logically.
I'm here to help you if you're struggling to learn C,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.
She said it's really not my habit to #include,
And I hope my files won't be lost or misconstrued;
But I'll recompile at the risk of getting screwed,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.
Just blow up the stack Jack,
Make a bad call Paul,
Just hit the wrong key Lee,
And set your pointers free.
Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just listen to me.
She said it greives me to see you compile again.
I wish there were some hardware that wasn't such a pain.
I said I appreciate that and could you please explain,
About the fifty ways.
She said why don't we both just work on it tonight,
And I'm sure in the morning it'll be working just right.
Then she hosed me and I realized she probably was right,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.
Just lose the address Les,
Clear the wrong Int Clint,
Traverse the wrong tree Lee,
And set your list free.
Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just program in C.
**************************
From: douglasm@henson.cc.wwu.edu (Douglas McCorison)
Subject: Colds and Flu season...
Original from my wife and I...
How do you tell which computer on the network has a virus?
....It's the one with a stuffed up node.
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From: SHURTLEFF_ERIC@tandem
This being (in the US) an election year, we now turn in our Portable Curmudgeon
to various quotes relating to politics, political parties, etc. :
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians
can go on the air and kid the people. -- Groucho Marx
America is still a government of the naive, by the naive, and for the naive.
He who does not know this, nor relish it, has no inkling of the nature of this
country. -- Christopher Morley
Congress consists of one-third, more or less, scoundrels; two-thirds, more or
less, idiots; and three-thirds, more or less, poltroons.
-- H.L. Mencken
Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.
-- H.L. Mencken
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve
to get it good and hard. -- H.L. Mencken
Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distin-
guished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Democracy gives every man the right to be his own oppressor.
-- James Russell Lowell
Liberal: a power worshipper without power.
-- George Orwell
Take our politicians: they're a bunch of yo-yos. The presidency is now a
cross between a popularity contest and a high school debate, with an encyclo-
pedia of cliches the first prize. -- Saul Bellow
In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant.
-- Charles de Gaulle
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organi-
zing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
-- David Broder
Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
-- Art Buchwald
It makes no difference who you vote for--the two parties are really one party
representing four percent of the people.
-- Gore Vidal
It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
remember. -- Eugene McCarthy
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning
to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow
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From: SHURTLEFF_ERIC@tandem
Some jokes about diets, some about youth and the aged, some about driving,
some about sex (gasp!),
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day
you're off it.
Jackie Gleason
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneris
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer
I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in
California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember.
Sheckly Greene
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like
having a little pet for your face.
Anita Wise
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise.
Roger Simon
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but
together can decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are
asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
Ronnie Corbett
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place.
Johnny Carson
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone
going faster than you is a moron.
George Carlin
Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service
called Jump-In-The-Box.
Wil Shriner
They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your
car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a
stop to siphoning.
Billie Holliday
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to
get money from it
Stephen Leacock
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
Shelley Berman
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army
instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back
for seventy-five cents.
Billiam Coronel
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
Calvin Trillin
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