Date: 6 Jul 92 13:29:25 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.D
Selections from rec.humor.funny:
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Subject: A big 2 on the Pizza Meter
From: prang@ssc-bee.boeing.com
[Note: OPSEC is short for "Operations Security", i.e. ensuring a potential
enemy cannot guess what you're about to do]
]From "The OPSEC Indicator", Fall 1991:
------
PIZZA INTELLIGENCE: AN UPDATE
Earlier this year we reported that Domino's Pizza claims it can predict
when the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based
upon the increase in pizza deliveries to the Pentagon and the White House.
Pizza orders increased substantially just prior to troop deployments to
Grenada, Panama, and the Middle East.
According to The Washington Times of August 21, 1991, during the early
hours of the abortive Kremlin coup in August, Domino's "Pizza Meter"
registered 102 deliveries to the Pentagon, breaking the Gulf War record by
one; the White House ordered 52 pizzas, breaking its Gulf War record by
seven.
The CIA, by contrast, learned its OPSEC lesson: There were only two
orders, and they were quickly cancelled.
------
Ron Wanttaja
prang@ssc-bee
**************************
From: johnl@iecc.cambridge.ma.us (John R. Levine)
Subject: High finance
]From a charity politico comedy club event, quoted in the Boston Globe.
Ira Jackson, an officer at the Bank of Boston which has had severe problems
with bad loans, on their new program of loans to small businesses:
"We make loans to large businesses, then wait six months."
**************************
From: bean@putter.wpd.sgi.com (Bean Anderson)
Subject: When you've gotta go ..
An airline pilot told me this ...
He was flying some non-english speaking business men
on a private plane when one of them indicated that
he needed to pee. The pilot explaned that the
bathroom was behind the curtain and where there
was a funnel to pee into. When done, one should pull
the handle to flush.
A few minutes later the same fellow was back up front
with his pants down around his knees, his tie blown
over his shoulder, and a white stripe going up the
front of his body. And in his hand was ... the fire
extinquisher.
**************************
From: lee@puck.mport.com
Subject: Hackers vs. Users
After spending a few 24-hour sessions with my new '386 box, I have
come to realize the basic difference between a Hacker and a User:
A User buys a faster computer so he can spend _less_ time with it.
**************************
From: ptully@bigbird.cs.ohiou.edu (Patrick Tully)
Subject: Engineering Top Ten List!
This top ten list is taken from the latest engineering t-shirt
that is being offered here at Ohio University. The author is probably a
collective group of students.
Top Ten Reasons To Date An Engineer
1. Extremely Good Looking
2. High Starting Salary
3. Free Body Diagrams
4. Looks Good On A Resume'
5. Can Calculate Head Pressure
6. Help With Your Math Homework
7. Parents Will Approve
8. We Know How To Handle Stress
And Strain In Our Relationships
9. Find Out What Those Other
Buttons On Your Calculator Do
10. The World Does Revolve Around Us...
We Pick The Coordinate System
**************************
From: sutherla@cadehp14.eng.utah.edu (mathew sutherland)
Subject: Dog of a joke
Seen on Pavlov's door:
Knock.
Don't ring bell.
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From: kskelm@uccs.edu (I GRADUATED, and there's a 75% chance YOU DIDN'T! Haha!)
On the second day of failures grabbing the satellite, Peter Brinkley
was explaining the situation, and he very casually announced that among the
suggestions NASA was receiving to catch it was that they should use suction
cups.
**************************
From: WEHR%EED1.decnet@srlvx1.srl.ford.com (EED1::WEHR)
Subject: Frantic father-to-be
Heard on the WRIF morning radio show in Detriot:
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" a voice queries.
"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
**************************
Date: Fri, 12 Jun 92 19:30:4 EDT
From: perley@easygoer.crd.ge.com (Donald P Perley)
Subject: We'll get around to it
One liner, heard on radio.
Did you know that March is national procrastination week?
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From: hawk.cs.ukans.edu!billk@apple (Bill Kinnersley)
Subject: The INfamous Bernoulli Trials
[Original.]
[Prerequisite: Some knowledge of probability theory, or consent of instructor.]
Q. Define "Bernoulli Trials"
A. John and his brother Jacob Bernoulli, both Professors of Mathematics at he
University of Basel, Switzerland in the late 1600's. Their interests turned
to the Theory of Probability, and in 1694 they were accused of organized
gambling.
In a well-publicized courtroom appearance, John Bernoulli accused the judge
of bias, but was overruled. He then demanded that he and his brother be
tried *independently*, and this request was granted.
The verdict was a tossup.
**************************
Subject: Ross Perot: 4 East Pieces
From: mad5c@birch.cs.virginia.edu
Richard Bond, Chairman of the Republican National Convention,
on "Face the Nation", said this of Ross Perot:
"He's had four positions on taxes in the last 30 days:
1) Let's cut 'em,
2) let's study 'em,
3) let's raise 'em, and
4) I never said that. "
Which of course puts him two postions ahead of George Bush.
**************************
Subject: Perot Taco
From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu (Phil Corless)
A Tex-Mex restaurant in Texas is selling The Perot Taco. Nobody
knows what's in it, but they love it anyway.
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: PER*T
A friend at work brought in this bumper sticker:
I'm certain that you've seen a number of bumper stickers
supporting H. Ross Perot that say
PER*T
with red and blue letters, well there is a _new_ bumper sticker that says
N*T
with the same style red and blue lettering.
**************************
Subject: hotel instructions
From: lrb@alex.ctrg.rri.uwo.ca (Lance R. Bailey)
]From the Radisson Metrodome in Minneapolis, MN:
To Our Guests:
For your convenience, our guest rooms have two phone jacks.
The first jack is located behind the writing desk while the
second jack is located behind the bed.
If you would like assistance in moving your phone to a different
jack, please dial "0" and an
operator will assist you.
I can imagine how well phone support of moving the phone works:
Operator: hello? Yes, sir, having trouble moving the phone? Well it is
quite simple, just depress the little tab on the jack and pull
on the... [click] Sir? SIR?
**************************
From: walrus@bessel.umd.edu (Grig Larson)
Subject: More Phone Jokes
Based on ther message on how to deal with stockbrokers who try to sell you
their garbage by calling you right before lunch break, here is a similar
story based on one very boring afternoon at home with a Long-Distance
Company [this was done just after AT&T Broke up, some names have been altered
due to poor memory].
RING RING RING
Me: Hello?
SM: Hello, I am Gern Blanston representing the Flint Long Distance company. How are you today, sir?
Me: [bemused] Fine.
SM: May I ask you what type of long distance company you are using?
Me: [now witha devilish grin] Duuuh... I duuno....
SM: You don't know? Well how would you like to be hooked up with the best
sattelite phone network of the 80's? We use-
Me: Duh, sure. Can I call my freind from, uh, far away?
SM: Er, yes. Our long distance service uses the best-
Me: [trying to keep from giggling] He lives in Pango Pango...
SM: Yes, I see. Well you can call your fried overseas at a rate you'll-
Me: He has a lizard you know.... his name is Ralph.
SM: I see, well you can-
Me: Ralph the lizard. He is green and sits in a tree.
SM: Well-
Me: A palm tree... with lots of, uh... leaves.
SM: [haggardly] Well, you will save money by using our new optical-
Me: Save money? Really?
SM: Of course! And if you-
Me: Well, how much is it per yard?
SM: Pardon me? [really threw him there]
Me: How much is it per yard. Pango Pango is pretty far away from here...
SM: Well, I never really thought about it that way, but I can assure you-
Me: Will you have to drill a hole in my roof?
SM: Ah, no. You see, it works like this-
Me: 'Cause my friend Tom got one of them black dishes that you put on your
roof... and then he fell off and hurt himself real bad...
SM: Well, me don't actually come to your house-
Me: Crushed his wife's poodle. Flattened him right out, he did...
SM: If you could give me a minute to explain the proceess-
Me: Did I tell you I had a friend in Pango Pango?
I kept doing this act for about 20 minutes before the guy just finnaly gave me
his number to call him back. That salesman hung on like a pit bull! I guess
he must have thought I was so stupid, he would eventually sell me something.
**************************
From: geoff@pmafire.UUCP (Geoff Allen)
Subject: More exam humor
To contribute to the exam humor that's shown up here recently....
(This is true, told to me by a chemistry professor at Idaho State
University.)
The professor had the following as an extra credit question on an exam:
An age-old question is ``How many angels can dance on the head
of a pin?'' Answer that question given the following:
Each angel requires an area equal to a circle with
a diameter the size of a gold atom in which to dance.
The pin in question has a head which is a circular plane
with a diameter of 0.5 mm.
Make any other assumptions necessary to solve the problem.
The professor was sorry to admit that he had to give full credit to the
following answer:
I assume that angels do not exist.
The answer is 0.
**************************
From: langer@sfu.ca (Steve Langer)
Subject: Pigs have wings, too...
In an article about the merits of zoos, the Georgia Straight, a free
Vancouver weekly, reports
Dr. Peter Crowcroft of the department of zoology at the University of
Texas is a former director of zoos. In a UBC lecture earlier sponsored
by the Vancouver Institute earlier this year, he said: "You cannot
overestimate the ignorance of the average person. We once did a very
interesting experiment. We had an empty pen with a barn at the back. We
left the barn door open and put up a sign that read: 'UNICORN. EXTINCT
DUE TO EDUCATION. FEEDS ON FLOWER PETALS. ATTRACTED TO VIRGINS.' Most
people that came along tried to peer in the open door, convinced that
the unicorn was hiding somewhere in the barn. Except for one little boy
who said to his father, 'But Daddy! There's no such thing.' To which
Daddy replied, 'Don't be stupid. Can't you read the sign?'"
**************************
From: RICHARD@lane.cc.ukans.edu (Richard Kershenbaum)
Subject: Freshman Physics and Heavy Boots
The following was sent to me by Dr.Adrian Melott, Associate Professor of
Physics and Astronomy here at the University of Kansas:
THE BURNING QUESTION OF HEAVY BOOTS
I put two multiple choice questions on my Physics 111 test, after the study of
elementary mechanics and gravity:
13. If you are standing on the Moon, and holding a rock, and you let it
go, it will:
(a) float away
(b) float where it is
(c) move sideways
(d) fall to the ground
(e) none of the above
25. When the Apollo astronauts wre on the Moon, they did not fall off because:
(a) the Earth's gravity extends to the Moon
(b) the Moon has gravity
(c) they wore heavy boots
(d) they had safety ropes
(e) they had spiked shoes
The response showed some interesting patterns! The first question
was generally of average difficulty, compared with the rest of the test:
57% got it right. The second question was easier: 73% got it right.
So, we need more research to explain the people who got #25 right
but did not get #13 right!
The second interesting point is that these questions proved to be
excellent discriminators: that is, success on these two questions proved to
be an extremely good predictor of overall success on the test.
On the first question, 92% of those in the upper quarter of the test
score got it right; only 20% of those in the bottom quarter did. They generally
chose answers (a) or (b). On the second question, 97% in the upper quarter
got it right and 33% in the lower quarter did. The big popular choice of
this group was (c)...33% chose heavy boots, followed closely by safety ropes
at 27%.
A telling comment on the issue of fairness in teaching elementary
physics: Two students asked if I was going to continue asking them about
things they had never studied in the class.
Adrian Melott
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From: adb@herboid.UUCP (Anthony DeBoer)
Subject: The Normalcy of Living in Drainage Culverts
(From the news on CFNY FM 102 this morning):
The police in Sarnia, Ontario, recently received a call that a man had
been seen living in a drainage culvert. They promptly dispatched two of
their finest to check out this report. The officers did indeed find a man
living in a culvert, and attempted to reason with him. "Sir," they said,
"it's not normal to be living inside of a drainage culvert." The man
pulled a piece of paper from his sack of posessions, and replied that he
had just been released from a mental institution, and had a certificate,
signed by an expert in the field, saying that he was perfectly sane. "Do
either of you have one?", he asked the officers, who were left speechless.
**************************
From: botteron@gnu.ai.mit.edu (Carol J. Botteron)
Subject: Celebrity Endorsements
Recently Colonel Oliver North was in Boston and (among other
things) visited a radio station (WBZ) to appear on a talk show.
When it was time for a commercial, the host handed him the copy
and North read it. The ad was for the Vermont Teddy Bear Company.
The image of Ollie North selling teddy bears got me thinking
about other unlikely combinations of spokesperson and product:
George Bush for an accounting firm:
"Is your family's economy in trouble?"
Mario Cuomo for light beer:
"It tastes great. No, it's less filling. No, it ..."
Ronald Reagan for a memory improvement course:
"Hello, my name is ... uh ..."
Ted Kennedy for a home security system:
"If a crime were being committed on your property, would you know?"
George Bush for an executive placement service:
"When I need a qualified candidate for the Supreme Court or
the Vice Presidency ..."
(More ideas? Post them to rec.humor.)
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