Date: 2 Jun 92 12:19:39 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life 8.8
The following selections are from a collection by Robert Cherry.
----------------------------------------------------
Fake Steve Write
And from cth@hpfcso (CT Hart):
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
**************************
Not Quite Wright...
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular
dinner price if you eat less than you can.
Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
**************************
These are "fake" Steve Wright sayings, by Rod Schmidt:
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if
I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a
dollar bill to everybody on the list.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every
morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to
think you're Shakespeare?
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends
with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on
microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on
doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they
make erector sets out of play-dough.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it
out, it was gone.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to
Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half
of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time.
Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same
thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three
miles late for his meetings.
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill
for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
**************************
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
**************************
A real freind walks in when the world walks out.
**************************
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
**************************
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain
When one has good health it is not serious to be ill.
Francis Blanche
Is there life before death ?
Belfast Graffito
My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
Ashleigh Brilliant
**************************
Subject: RE: Yet another Iraq Joke
Have you heard the new Iraqi golf course??
It has 18,000 holes.
**************************
What do you call a Russian nerd?
A RED SQUARE!
**************************
Theory-Organization-Practice
THEORY:
-------
is when you know everything
and nothing is working.
ORGANIZATION:
-------------
is when nothing is working
and everyone knows why.
PRACTICE:
---------
is when everything is working
and no one knows why.
**************************
Accordian: Bagpipe with pleats
Give children mental blocks for Christmas
Everyone cant be a hero, someone has to stand on the sidewalk and
clap as they go past
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
If thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
peace is seeing a rainbow and knowing who to thank
Let your dreams match your prayers
Friends are like the warm blue sea, they both splash laughter in your eyes
A real friend walks in when the world walks out
A moments insight is sometimes worth a lifes experience
In the midst of winter i finally learned that there was
in me an invincible summer
Stay away from flying saucers today
He who pulls the oars doesn't have time to rock the boat
Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle
No matter what your past, you have a spotless future
No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would
**************************
How to Wierd-Up Your Boss a Little...
Readjust his CRT so that the focus is just slightly off
Take his name out of the next issue of the phone book
Start showing up early for work
Put a different name on his door
Change the charts and graphs he is going to use in an important meeting
Super glue one wheel of his chair
After you've had an argument, make him shake hands and make up
Loosen the handles on the drawers of his desk
Put a resistor in his phone so the volume is REAL low, then, either talk
REAL loud or REAL soft, -- or alternate.
Send him a memo from the real estate division talking about how much money
they could make by renting out his office
Transfer his calls to security
Unadjust the horizontal hold on his CRT
If he falls asleep a lot, make moaning and groaning noises till he wakes up
Transfer everybody's phone calls to his phone
**************************
Reprinteed from San Jose Mercury News:
"You undoubtedly know that classical architecture is a hot trend right now.
That explains this classic playhouse for cats. Your feline friend can catnap
in grand style in a box printed to resemble a little Roman temple. There's
even a cat walking across the roof of the 18-by-12-by-16-inch box, which is
made of oak tagboard laminated for long wear. It's also suitable for an architecturally hip litter-box cover. The cat box is listed among other
classics in the catalog of Ballard Designs, 2148-J Hills Ave., Atlanta Ga.
30318. (404)351-5099."
The picture of a cat in the box staring at the camera lens wondering why
humans make her do this adds alot to this little news brief . . .
**************************
Rules for Being Human
You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it. But it will
be yours for the entire period this time around.
You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal
school called life. Each day in this school you will have the
opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think
them irrelevant and stupid.
There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of
trial and error; experimentation. The "failed" experiments
are as much a part of the process as the experiment that
ultimately "works".
A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented
to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have
learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does
not continue lessons. If you are alive, there are lesson to be
learned.
"There" is no better than "here". When your "there" has become a
"here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again
look better than "here".
Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate
something about another person unless it reflects to you
something you love or hate about yourself.
What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools
and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you.
The choice is yours.
Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions
lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.
You will forget all this ..... and you will remember ....
**************************
Absolutely unbelievable. Thats right folks, youve heard of the WWF and the
AAF, we have the cock fights, the dog fights and the bull fights and now live
to you from Selcuk, Turkey, youve got CAMEL WRESTLING, thats right, CAMEL
WRESTLING.
As seen in todays Demigogue &Comical.
--------------
SELCUK, Turkey--In an ancient arena where Roman gladiators once fought to
the death, two combatans square off in the dust, surround by 5,000 cheering
spectators. Its the start of camel wrestling season in western Turkey,
with matches being fought at the stadium of ancient Ephesus, once one of the
major Greco-Roman cities of Asia Minor.
With exotic names like Emerald, Black Lightning and New World - or more
prosaic ones such as Bulldozer II and Quiltmaker -- the hump-backed beasts,
their jaws bound to prevent biting, are goaded into struggling with each
other until referees decide the result. That could be victory, if one crushes
the other into the camel equivalent of a wrestling pin, or a draw, if they
reach a stalemate or if one is injured.
The spectators, many with substantial side bets on the outcome, make known
their views with boos and cheers. They day is replete with ritual. The title
of AGA, a kind of honorary president, is auctioned to the highest bidder,
who receives a plaque, a small brass camel and the right to strut about the ring.
This time Ismail Sarpkaya wins the honor with a bid of 510,000 liras, about
$670. Sarpkaya, a ruddy-faced farmer, explained tha not only wresting is
involved. Last year we voted Yorganci (Quiltmaker) the most beautiful
camel but we will not have that election this year.
Much prestige hangs on the outcome of the bouts and irate owners often
protest loudly, with helmeted police sometimes called in to intervene.
All the wresting camels are male. Topped by colorfully decorated packs,
each is led into the ring by his owner, often with a female camel ahead
to enhance his interest in the event. Owners and officials crowd around
including a team of seven urgancis--pullers off--for each camel, who stand
ready to separate them, a crucial role in the unusual sport.
Camelmen, as they call themselves, carouse until nearly dawn in two bars
on the main strip in Selcuk, the town close to the ruins of Ephesus. Most
drink raki, the traditional Turkish anise liquor.
The main heavyweight bout of the Selcuk tournament--and the one most of
the crowd had been waiting for--ended quickly. Referees called a draw
when Bulldozer II, after quickly getting on top, gave Quiltmaker a bloody nose.
But with 10 to 15 tournaments each winter season in this area of western
Turkey, the old rivals will soon meet again.
**************************
Subject: Residency in New England
Forms for NH and MA
Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire
NAME: _______________________________________
ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
White ( )
TYPE OF CARS OWNED:
Pickup Truck ( )
You don't own any Foreign cars, do you? NO ( )
CAR EQUIPMENT:
Gun Rack ( ) Stash ( ) CB ( ) Beer Holder( )
Playboy air freshener ( )
BUMPER STICKERS:
"If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns" ( )
"Bush/Quayle" ( )
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" ( )
SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual ( )
FAVORITE CAUSE: NRA ( ) Prolife ( )
Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________
FAVORITE DRUGS:
Grass ( )
WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?: (check all that apply)
Democrats ( ) Welfare ( ) N.O.W. ( )
FAVORITE BEER:
Miller ( ) Michelob ( ) Bud ( )
FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Don't Care ( )
CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
NRA ( )
How Automatic Weapons do you own?
5 ( ) 10 ( ) More than that ( )
FAVORITE TV SHOW: Benny Hill ( )
*****************************************************************
Application for Permission to Live in Massachusetts
NAME: _____________________________________________________________________
(extra space left due to new social awareness)
ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
Eskimo ( ) American Indian ( ) Hispanic ( ) Asian ( )
African-American ( ) American-African ( ) Black-American ( )
Other Group With A Long History Of Oppression By White Males ( )
(specify, so we can help you form a political action group)
___________________________________________________
TYPE OF CARS OWNED (pick two):
SAAB ( ) Volvo ( ) BMW ( ) Mercedes ( ) Honda ( )
You don't own any *American* cars, do you? NO ( )
CAR EQUIPMENT:
Blaupunkt ( ) Passport ( ) Escort ( ) Vuarnet Sunglasses ( )
Stash ( ) CD ( ) Cellular Phone ( ) Ski Rack ( )
Bicycle Rack ( ) Wine Rack ( )
BUMPER STICKERS:
"You can't hug a child with nuclear arms" ( ) "Greenpeace" ( )
"Dukakis/Bentsen" ( ) "Save the Whales" ( ) "Farms not Arms" ( )
SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Gay ( ) Lesbian ( ) Other ( )
(note: failure to give the proper answer to the above means you can't
live in certain towns on the Cape, or get elected to Congress)
FAVORITE CAUSE: Whales ( ) Baby Seals ( ) Snail Darter ( )
Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________
FAVORITE DRUGS:
Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Kitty's Diet Plan ( )
WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?: (check all that apply)
The Bomb ( ) Handguns ( ) All guns ( ) Nuclear Power ( )
Cigarettes ( ) The NRA ( ) Republicans ( )
WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE LEGALIZED?: (check all that apply)
Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Needles ( )
Flag Burning ( )
FAVORITE BEER:
Samuel Adams ( ) Beck's ( ) Corona(w/lime) ( )
Latest trendy brand ( )
FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Ted Kennedy ( ) John Kennedy ( )
Bobby Kennedy ( ) Joe Kennedy( )
CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
ACLU ( ) Greenpeace ( ) SDS ( ) N.O.W. ( ) A.F.S.C.M.E ( )
Billy Bulger Breakfast Club ( ) Provincetown Boys Club ( )
Bull-dykes Kennel Club ( )
Even though we can't ever get any more power from Hydro-Quebec, don't you
think that Seabrook should remain closed forever? YES ( )
Don't you think that the people in the Midwest should stop dropping acid
rain on our vacation homes in Vermont, even if it means that they all lose
their jobs? YES ( )
How many watts (per channel, RMS) is your principal home stereo?
100W ( ) 200W ( ) More than that ( )
How many air conditioners do you have to help you through our long New
England summers?: 2 ( ) 3 ( ) 4 ( ) Central Air ( )
(note: Fewer than two A/C units may qualify you for state
subsidies if you are a non-white unemployed Democrat)
FAVORITE TV SHOW: Thirtysomething ( )
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