Date: 27 May 92 11:56:43 PDT (Wednesday)
Subject: Life 8.7
----------------------------------------------------
From Becky Thompson's siftings of rec.humor:
**************************
The old peasant was in the city for the first time in his life. But when he
wanted to cross a street he got aware of one of the problems in a city. After
having been waiting for fifteen minutes he somehow managed to get to the other
side. When noticing a man sitting on the corner of the pavement reading the
paper he approaches him and says: -"If I only knew how you do in this town, in a
chaos like this, to get across the streets alive."
-"Well", the man replies, "I was lucky; I was born on this side of the street."
***************************
"Feudalism - it's your count that votes!"
***************************
G.B. Shaw:
- A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support
of Paul.
- It is long and hard and painful to create life; it is short and easy to
steal the life others have made.
- Old men are dangerous; it does not matter to them what is going to happen
to the world.
***************************
Subject: Re: Texas Humor
So a Texan goes touring in Australia. He wants to see some of the local
agriculture.
His guide shows him a grove of grapefruit. The Texan laughs: "Why, in
Texas, we've got lemons bigger'n that!"
His guide shows him a patch of watermelons. The Texan laughs again: "Why,
in Texas, we've got cucumbers bigger'n that!"
His guide shows him an apple orchard. The Texan laughs a third time:
"Why, in Texas, we've got cherries bigger'n that!"
Suddenly, a herd of kangaroos runs across the road. The Texan jumps up,
startled. "What in the Hell was that?"
His guide answers, in a quiet, matter-of fact voice: "Mice."
*****************************
Subject: Japanese Joke
I heard this joke during lunch today:
Did you hear about the guy who robbed a bus full
of Japanese tourists?
The police have about 5000 pictures of him.......
----------------------------------------------------
From Cheryl Pence's siftings of rec.humor:
**************************
Here's a one form d ol days
After about 15 years of cold war between the Russians and the Chinese
Breznev finally decided to break the ice and offered to visit China
then under Mao Tse Tung. After a red carpet reception they finally
sat down to discuss business across the table (so to say). Here's
how the conversation went.
Breznev: Well as an offer of friendship i'll offer you some
commodities you may need
Mao: Thank you Mr. Brenev, we will accept your offer.
Breznev: What do you request then?
Mao: To begin with we would like a billion $'s in hard
currency.
Breznev: (after quickly consulting with his advisors) so be it
Mao: A million tons of steel
Breznev: o.k
Mao: A million tons of potatoes.
Breznev: (a little surprised) o.k.
Mao: Two million tons of rice
Breznev: (After consulting his advisors) No, I'm quiet sorry that is
not possible!
Mao: (rather surprised by the emphathetic No) Why not?
Breznev: ( In a condescending tone) THEY DON'T GROW RICE IN POLAND
MR. MAO
**************************
Q: What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
A: What chameleon?
----------------------------------------------------
From Alan E. Nicoll's siftings of rec.humor:
**************************
A bumper sticker I just saw:
"WARNING: I am as bad a driver as you are"
**************************
-"Does your boyfriend know how old you are ?"
-"Yes -- partly."
**************************
-"Where I was last winter, it was so cold that even the fire of our
candles froze."
-"That's nothing. Where *I* was last winter it was so cold that when
we were talking the words froze, so we had to fry them in a pan for
knowing what we were talking about."
-"Last winter it was so cold that when one of our rabbits jumped,
it got stuck up in the air."
-"I don't believe that. That's against the gravitation."
-"The gravitation was frozen too."
**************************
I went skiing recently. As I was going up in the lift, this man next to me
said
"this is the first time I have been skiing for 25 years"
Oh, yes, how come ?
"I was in prison"
erhm, what for ?
"I pushed a total stranger of the top of a ferris wheel!"
OH, I remember you!
**************************
Here is a sample of the stand-up routines by comedian Sam Kinison, who
was killed Friday in a highway crash:
------
On women: "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
--------
On MTV's Rock Against Drugs campaign: "Somebody must've been high when
they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock
created drugs."
------
On televangelists: "Jesus is still up in heaven, thumbing through his
Bible, going, 'Where did I say build a water slide?"'
Thank you for your support.
**************************
Avoid war. Surrender!
Avoid taxes. Quit yer job!
Avoid aging. Die!
**************************
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said:
"Lost-- $50. If found, just keep it."
**************************
] Q: What is the sound of a Vulcan Cash Register?
] A: T'pring!
**************************
Oxymorons
IBM Quality
Working Mac
User-friendly UNIX shell
The Bee Gees Greatest Hits
**************************
After the riots in LA:
Did you know that Los Angeles is the 2nd largest city in the United States?
Make that the 3rd largest.
No, the 4th largest.
5th
6th...
**************************
Two French men alone on a desert island; They start fighting and arguing
within an hour.
Two English men alone on a desert island; They are still not talking after
two years,
They haven't been introduced yet.
Two Americans alone on a desert island. Both instigate legal action
against the other for trespass.
**************************
Freinds Don't Let Friends vote DEMOCRAT.
**************************
Insanity, its not just a plea. Its a way of life!
**************************
When Texans begin to feel self important about the size of
their state, Alaskan residents threaten to split the state in half to make
Texas the 3rd largest state.
Texas ain't nothin' but a half-pint!
**************************
Why did the punker cross the road?
Somebody told him not to.
Why did the new waver cross the road?
He saw the punker do it first.
**************************
I have only one firm belief in the American political system, and
that is this: God is a Republican and Santa Claus is a Democrat.
God is an elderly or, at any rate, middle-aged male, a stern fellow,
patriarchal rather than paternal and a great believer in rules and
regulations. He holds men strictly accountable for their actions. He has
little apparent concern for the material well-being of the disadvantaged.
He is politically connected, socially powerful and holds the mortgage on
literally everything in the world. God is difficult. God is unsentimental.
It is very hard to get into God's heavenly country club.
Santa Claus is another matter. He's cute. He nonthreatening. He's
always cheerful. And he loves animals. He may know who's been naughty and
who's been nice, but he never does anything about it. He gives everyone
everything they want without thought of a quid pro quo. He works hard for
charities, and he's famously generous to the poor. Santa Claus is preferable
to God in every way but one: There is no such thing as Santa Claus.
**************************
Recently in L.A. a test pattern airing at 2:00 a.m. on a local tv
station KTLA got higher ratings than the 10:00 pm News broadcast by
two competing stations.
And more people are voting an the Elvis stamp than in the presidential races.
Some things that make you go hmmmm.
**************************
One of my favorites, however, is the instruction sheet which comes with a DEC
mouse. In about 12 languages, it says "Installation instructions." Below
this is a picture of the mouse, with an arrow pointing from the plug to the
socket.
A Norwegian friend of mine told me that a Swedish chainsaw manufacturer
began marketing thier product in the US, with an English language manual
noticeably larger than the Swedish or Norwegian versions. News commentators
explained with great humor in a report that this was because of all the
additional warnings, including (they pointed out specifically) "Do not
attempt to stop the chainsaw with your hand."
This was made even more humorous a couple of years later, when they were
saved a pile of money in a lawsuit brought by a US citizen who was injured
stopping the chainsaw with his hand. He was unable to collect, since the
manual specifically warned against it.
Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the Scandinavian
manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing anything that
stupid.
**************************
I've always thought the problem could be solved if all products had a label
on them stating:
WARNING: This product not intended for use by stupid people.
Let this guy try to prove in court that, although he propped the ladder up
on a manure heap, he is *not* stupid and didn't violate the instructions.
----------------------------------------------------
From Sarah Elkins' siftings of rec.humor:
**************************
From: dgreen@jarthur.claremont.edu (David 'Mishael' Green)
Life is too confusing for novices; we should hire professionals to do it for us.
**************************
From: gvg@hplvec.LVLD.HP.COM (Greg Goebel)
One of the local radio stations announced that the phone company was blowing
out the lines that day and that people should put bags over the phones to
keep the dust from dirtying up the area. The local phone company was
inundated.
My partner Bruce said his wife bought off on it until he suggested she think
about it. So he called up her voicemail at work later and went "whishhhhhh"
into the phone for a few seconds.
**************************
From Bob N. Keenan's sig file:
disclaimER?? I don't even KNOW HER!!!
**************************
"Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.
-Raymond Mortimer
**************************
From: bbs-aphelps@jwt.UUCP (Austin Phelps)
Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just
to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-
destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard
Prince Albert In A Can
Fron Killer on Eris's Playground BBS.
Austin C. Phelps bbs-aphelps@jwt.UUCP
**************************
From: Mike_Quigley@mindlink.bc.ca (Mike Quigley)
A BBS I am on, the Twilight Zone, is a having a competition with a certain
type of Star Trek jokes. Below is a sample. (I don't want to be held
responsible for what might happen as a result of posting these...)
Kirk: What is that ensign's name, Bones? He reminds me of a horse.
Bones: He's Ed, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, it's Ensign Children's-Bed-Paint...
Bones: He's lead, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, what's happened to Ensign Hunger?
Bones: He's fed Jim.
Kirk: What club is the patient vactioning with, Bones?
McCoy: He's Med, Jim.
Spock: Jim! McCoy is lying on the floor not breathing after being hit by a
laser! What's wrong with him?
Kirk: He's bones, Spock.
Kirk: Where's Spock? Last I heard, he was getting really sick of these jokes!
Bones: He's fled, Jim.
Kirk: What's my cat doing on the couch?
McCoy: He's shed, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, isn't that the Motor City Madman, the 10 Fingers of Doom?
McCoy: That's right...he's Ted, Jim.
Kirk: Bones! Its Ensign Paper! Is he ...
McCoy: Yes, he's shred, Jim.
Kirk: Say, Bones...? What's happened to Ensigns Elizabeth and Larry?
McCoy: They're wed, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Toboggan?
Bones: He's sled, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Yeast?
Bones: He's bread, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, how about Ensign Shoe?
Bones: He's Ked, Jim
Kirk: Who's that one at the end of the list?
McCoy: He's Zed, Jim.
Kirk: So what happened to Jimmy Page, Bones?
McCoy: He's Led, Jim.
Kirk: Who is ensign Mertz, Bones?
McCoy: He's Fred, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, is he from the FBI?
McCoy: he's Fed, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, that man just ran by at warp speed!
McCoy: He sped, Jim.
Kirk: Bones! How's ensign Kravitz?
Bones: He's dread, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, who's that new crew member who calls himself Clampett?
McCoy: He's Jed, Jim.
KIrk: Bones, what about ensign Pb?
Bones: He's Lead, Jim.
----------------------------------------------------
And Sarah Elkins forwarded from Risks:
[Ed. note, Sarah later told me the first artcile was an April Fool's Hoaz.]
**************************
Date: Wed, 22 Apr 1992 12:54:15 -0600
From: Bear Giles [bear@tigger.cs.colorado.edu]
Subject: Risks of a modern weatherman
(From the bulletin board down the hall...)
Network Wind Profiler Severely Damaged
A wind profiler in OAR's Wind Profiler Demonstration Network (WPDN) was
severely damaged by several shot-gun blasts late last week. On March 28, just
before sunrise, two men and one woman were pheasant hunting in southern
Nebraska [and] came across the McCook wind profiler and mistook it for an alien
spacecraft. Frightened, they fired a number of shots damaging the profiler
antenna and the electronics shed. Furthermore, a Forecast Systems Lab (FSL)
technician who was in the shed conducting routine system checks was taken
hostage by the hunters. After being held captive for nearly two hours, the
technician's partner arrived and explained to the hunters what the profiler
really was. The hunters then fled and so far, they have not been apprehended
by law enforcement officials. Profiler damage is estimated at $150,000.
- = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = -
A profiler (developed in the building where I work) is a phase-array radar
which "looks" nearly straight up. The basic model can determine wind direction
and speed from the ground to about 50 mb (around 20km, at a guess); a recently
developed enhancement can also determine air temperature up to the tropopause.
They are used in a manner similar to weather balloons, but provided hourly
summaries instead of 12-hour reports. (They operate continuously, but the data
is rather noisy).
I've never seen an actual profiler on the ground, but the models and artist's
conceptions show a flat rectangular grid. Coworkers describe it as a
"construction junkyard", or "flat pipes" held about 4 ft above the ground.
Of course, those of us in the mountains have a very low opinion of
plains-dwellers. Several meteorologists on a "storm chase" last year reported
on Kansan walking up to them (on the side of the road) and asking "Is that a
tornado?" What he thought the large funnel cloud a few miles away was, if not
a tornado, nobody has every figured out...
Bear Giles bear@fsl.noaa.gov [Yes -- the "fsl" is for Forecast Systems Lab]
National Oceanic & Atmospheric Adminstration / Boulder Labs
**************************
from Sam Shipman:
I was looking at the "help-wanted ads" in the Boston Glob this weekend
(strictly out of intellectual curiosity, you understand) and I saw
this ad from the MIT AI Lab, looking for somebody to hack Scheme (a
dialect of Lisp). I liked this paragraph about qualifications:
Applicants must also have extensive knowledge of UNIX, although
they should have sufficiently good programming taste to not
consider this an achievement.
----------------------------------------------------
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page