Date: 4 May 92 16:30:18 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life 8.5
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Jim Perry perry@apollo.hp.com HP/Apollo, Chelmsford MA
Our show may not be fancy, but it's noisy and it's free.
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From: ray@biovision.utoronto.ca (Ray Deonandan)
What do the whales and the Toronto Maple Leafs have in common?
They both become confused when surrounded by ice.
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From: towfiq@ftp.com:
The relation between the white and the colored people of this country is the
great, paramount, imperative, and all-commanding question for this age and
nation to solve.
-- Frederick Douglass, in a speech given in 1863 in
New York City
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From: Darryl Hahn:
From a comedian I heard lately:
Everbody always wants to be FIRST. I don't, I just want to be NEXT. It's like when you are waiting in a long line at the Post Office, finally before you know it you'rrreee NEXT. It doesn't matter which window opens up, you just don't care because you'rreee NEXT! And everyone in line KNOWS who you are too, you're Next!
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From: snoopy@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu
These are from the Napa auto parts magazine:
THINK IT OVER
A shipwrecked sailor who had spent three years on a desert
island was overjoyed one day to see a ship drop anchor in the
bay. A small boat came ashore and an officer handed the
sailor a bunch of newspapers.
Officer: "The captain suggests that you read what's going on
in the world and then let us know if you want to be rescued."
**************************
Friend: "What is your son going to be when he graduates?"
Friend: "And old man."
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"Where was your son-in-law when you first saw him?"
"Right smack in the middle of my shotgun sights!"
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Ol' Lush was asked to leave a bar last night. They claimed
he was getting ahead of the ice machine. Before the night was
over, Lush killed four quarts of Ripple and tried to milk a
Buick.
**************************
Times are sure changing. I just saw an ad for "computers
just like mama used to program."
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Quadruplets: Four crying out loud.
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"I nearly ran over a pedestrian a few minutes ago and I
think he was from Miami."
"How do you know he was from Miami?"
"Well, when he reached the sidewalk, I heard him say
something about the sun and the beach."
**************************
"How long do you plan to teach school?" the Dean asked the
pretty young thing as he handed her a teaching certificate.
She replied with a shy smile, "From here to maternity."
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LABOR PAINS
A young businessman, a deacon in his church, was going to
New York on business and while there was to purchase a new
sign to be hung in front of the church. He copied the motto
and dimensions for the sign but when he got to New York
discovered he had left the paper behind. He wired his wife:
"Send motto and dimensions."
An hour later a message came back and the new lady clerk who
had just come back from lunch and who knew nothing of the
previous message read it and fainted. When she looked at the
message she had taken, it read: "Unto Us A Child Is Born, 6
feet long and 2 feet wide."
**************************
"Say, Dad," asked Junior, "how did Queen Elizabeth know she
was going to have a baby?"
Before father could reply, Junior's younger brother piped up
scornfully, "Well, she can read, can't she? It was in all the
papers."
**************************
Little four-year-old Julie was looking at her new baby
brother for the first time. He was fast asleep. After staring
at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Julie
looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, "Didn't he
come with batteries?"
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Alan E. Nicoll forwarded this to me
Subject: from RISKS digest
Well, you sure don't need a computer to make typos.
1562 - Geneva bible Matt. v, 9 reads:
"Blessed are the placemakers: for they shall be called the children
of God." ^^^^^^^^^^^ (oughta be peacemakers)
1653 - Cambridge printer screws up I Cor. vi, 9:
"know ye not that the unrighteous shall inherit the Kingdom of God?
1691 - Barker & Lewis in London printed a bible with the seventh commandment,
"Thou shalt commit adultery."
(they were fined 300 pounds and went out of business)
1702 - London firm prints bible with Psalms cxix, 161:
"Printers have persecuted me" (should be "Princes..."
1716 - First bible printed in Ireland has John v, 14 as:
"sin on more" (instead of sin no more)
Things might have improved since then. But maybe not...
[No. Now it would be "Blessed are the pacemakers." By the way, Pete
Mellor [pm@cs.city.ac.uk] sent in a further collection, not included here,
but suggested that this subject be moved to rec.humor. I agree with him.
No more typos unless really RISKS relevant, e.g., life critical. PGN]
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John A. McNelly forwarded this to me
Subject: Community College of the Finger Lakes
From Risks Digest, RISKS-LIST: RISKS-FORUM Digest Monday 13 April 1992 Volume 13 : Issue 39
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Apr 1992 04:38:16 PDT
From: Mark_Jackson.wbst147@xerox.com
Subject: The Tyranny of Truncation
According to the Rochester, NY, /Democrat & Chronicle/ of April 11, the
Community College of the Finger Lakes is changing its name to Finger Lakes
Community College. Although the changeover is expected to cost $50,000,
college officials say that greater expenses have arisen from confusion and
omission of the two-year school from state and federal college registries.
According to college president Charles Mader, CCFL often gets short-changed by
computerized listings that identify it as "Community College of the Finger."
Mark [MJackson.Wbst147@Xerox.COM]
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From rec.humor:
From: ss1@kepler.unh.edu (The Rink)
Subject: Sig File #7
"Everytime I hear the word 'sugar' I get a lump in my throat."
- Groucho Marx
It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
- Dave Barry's mother
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Stuff from rec.humor.funny:
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From: K.BISHOP@genie.com (Rick)
Subject: Elvis Stamp
The US Post Office was having a hard time deciding on which
ELVIS stamp to issue so they've decided to issue both.
The young, thin ELVIS will be used for regular mail while the
old, fat ELVIS will be used for bulk mail.
The Post Office is already concerned about counterfeit ELVIS
stamps. They suspect that a lot of ELVIS impersonator stamps
will appear.
**************************
Subject: Campaign '92.
From: vijay@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Vijay Rangarajan)
Paul Tsongas, in response to Bill Clinton's escalating success, keeps
asking the voters to concentrate on his "economic message" and then
goes on to say that he will continue to campaign even if it leaves
him in debt. That's a good economic message right there.
**************************
From: gbyrd@ncsc.org (Gregory T. Byrd)
Subject: Another Elvis stamp joke
In a previous posting, someone suggested that the young Elvis
stamp be used for regular mail, while the old Elvis be used
for bulk mail.
I like Jay Leno's suggestion better:
Your letter starts off with the young Elvis stamp and, by the
time it's delivered, winds up with the old Elvis stamp.
**************************
From: wvenable@stats.adelaide.edu.au (Bill Venables)
Subject: The nub of the problem
A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he fell
among thieves, who took all his goods, beat him savagely and left him
dying by the wayside.
As it happend on that same day two social workers passed that way, and
looking upon him were filled with pity and concern. Whereupon one
turned to the other and said
"The person who did this needs our help!"
**************************
From: teemc%gdls%parker@link.ph.gmr.com (Doug Parker)
Subject: Traffic joke
Having worked hustling pizzas for a few months in 1988, I got the
inspiration for this one...
You know you're driving fast when you look in your rear-view mirror and
notice the car you just passed has a Domino's delivery guy in it.
**************************
From: prabhak@cs.umn.edu (Satya Prabhakar)
Source: "Market Place" show on NPR
A despondent and mathematically challenged filer called IRS late
on April 15th and queried thusly:
Caller: Ma'am, I have started filling out my 1040 EZ and I am getting
a negative number? Does this mean I will get a refund?
IRS Ag: Sir, how is it that you are getting a negative number?
Caller: The form says 'subtract line 8 from line 7.' Isn't 7 minus 8
equal to -1?
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From: burke@lostboys.ils.nwu.edu (Robin Burke)
Subject: Inflation Russian-style
What's the difference between Russia today and Weimar Germany?
In Weimar Germany, they had wheelbarrows.
(Origin: somewhere in the CIS. As told by
Neil Carrick, recently back from Moscow.)`
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From: FHD@tamcba.bitnet (H. Alan Montgomery)
Subject: Memo, memo, who's got the memo?
My best friend just sent me this.
-=[*]=-=[*]=-=[*]=-=[*]=-=[*]=-=[*]=-=[*]=-=[*]=-=[*]=-=[*]=-=[*]=-=[*]=-
This sure isn't the private sector. I need to start collecting these
little humorous incidents and maybe issue a book someday.
Thursday I got a call from the girl over at our main office who
handles the technical memoranda. She is in charge of preparing,
numbering, filing, and archiving these important documents which
eventually are compiled into the reports we issue, our principal product.
Actually, she has little to do with preparing them. With Macs so popular
around here, most of the engineers and graduate students type their own
and "paste" in the various figures and tables that are needed. Mostly she
just adds our godawful longhorn logo to the top and assigns them a number
to avoid confusion.
Anyway, she wanted to know if I could send her a copy of a couple of
specific memos. I was a little amused (and horrified) since she is
supposed to be our source for these things. So I teased her a little, and
then pretended to accept her explanation that she actually had the memos,
but was just afraid some of the inserts might be missing from her copies.
I thought about sending her xeroxes of just the inserts to mess with her
a little more, but decided I might need her help someday and let it go.
Now here's the funny part: Today I get a memo from one of the
project engineers with the same two memos I sent attached. Apparently he
wanted me to review them, and asked Estella to make him copies so he
could send them to me. But she had to ask me for the copies she sent to
me. Are you getting all this? And who was the author of the material I'm
supposed to review? Me.
Sometimes I think the whole state worker deal is just an
experimental alternative to welfare; or maybe to mental institutions.
**************************
From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Subject: Hypochondria
]From comedian Richard Lewis:
"I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat
my M & M's one by one with a glass of water."
**************************
From: GRAHAMA@BNR.CA (G.S.)
Subject: Here We Go A-Looting..
I heard this on CBC Radio news last night...
They were talking to people who were looting a record store in L.A.
"What did you get?"
"Gospel tapes, I LOVE Jesus."
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From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Subject: Cow Pies & Democrats
The World Cow Pie Tossing Championship was held this weekend
in Beaver, Oklahoma. The men's winner threw a cow pie for
a new record of 159 feet.
You know where they'll break this record? At the 1992
Democratic Convention in June.
**************************
From: cn0m+@andrew.cmu.edu (Christopher Patrick Nelson)
Subject: CMU vs. Hell
]From the back of a locally-brewed T-shirt:
Top Ten Subtle Differences
Between CMU and Hell
__________________________
10. It doesn't rain in Hell.
9. Everyone has heard of Hell.
8. It's more fun getting into Hell.
7. You can't fail out of Hell.
6. At least you can sleep in Hell.
5. Hell is forever, CMU just seems like it.
4. People smile in Hell.
3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.
2. You know there are hot women in Hell.
And the #1 subtle difference between CMU and Hell...
1. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to CMU.
**************************
From: ajayshah@alhena.usc.edu (Ajay Shah)
q: What is the difference between hardware and software?
a: Hardware gets faster, cheaper, smaller.
Software gets slower, costlier and bigger.
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From: jdi@franz.com (John D. Irwin)
Subject: Spare some alternate reality?
The Earth is the third of nine planets in the solar system.
Because the sun is so large we can never see all nine planets
at any one time. The maximum number is seven and the event
occurs only at 59,000 year intervals and is known as an
astrological age.
When the moon passes over the ocean there is a bulge caused
by the effects of gravity and we see this as the tides. In a
like manner, when seven planets are on an alignment from behind
the sun they cause effects upon one another.
On Earth the molten core is bulged and the crust is breached.
This action releases large amounts of oxygen destroying heat
into the atmosphere in the form of volcanos.
Dinosaurs lived millions of years ago at a time when the planet
was oxygen rich. This is visible when you notice how high their
nostrils were above the ground level, 30 to 40 feet.
As the solar system has aged our oxygen has been depleted and
now the average height of the oxygen breathing creatures is
below seven feet. There is so little oxygen that the largest
of the two types of oxygen breathers are right at the surface
level. The elephants trunk and the breathing hole of the whale
are surface level where most of the oxygen is found.
If homo sapiens are eternal then certain prerequisites must be
met and one of these is oxygen, in order to survive we must have
oxygen. Because of volcanos the planet is irreversibly running
out of oxygen and to be Eternal humans must find a solar system
with a planet that has a atmosphere with enough oxygen for us
to survive for even a short amount of time.
The fuel formulas for lifting humans and our gear stands at
1,800,000 pounds per minute and at 5 minutes and 5 billion
people we do not have the fuel to lift everybody today.
If the world community were to embrace the single child family
concept the population number would begin to drop by one half,
eventually the number would drop to a low number that there
would be enough fuel for one and all. EVERYBODY!
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